stoppa mig juni; min lilla ego
February 12th 2003
11:50am; Education Department, SMU
Top 5 songs I want to hear today:
I) Ben Folds Five: Don't Change Your Plans
II) Jimmy Eat World: A Sunday
III) Dashboard Confessional: Screaming Infidelities
IV) Kula Shaker: Hush
V) Green Day: Hitchin A Ride
Been thinking a lot today and yesterday.
Thinking way more than usual about the unusual distractions from my everyday life. Of which there seems to be an unusually large amount.
I want to be at home today. I want to hide in my shell. I want safety.
I want to go back to hanging out with Ben and B, watching reality tv and music videos.
I've been feeling exposed, beaten down, weakened.
I'm quite confused.
Have I ever been this confused? I must have been before.
And yet hindsight is only 20/20 if you have it and I don't.
I'm either wasting my life being ambitious, persuing something, or thinking something.
I can feel my world being deconstructed.
I want to rebuild my wall, rediscover my aloneness. I need the comfort of my niche,
my clique,
familiar ground,
cliche.
I'm already so damn sick of seeing foreign sighposts. This alien facet of humanity.
I've been shocked.
Stunned.
I lowered my guard for a moment, only to be struck down, jolted, shaken, throttled, whipped, and SHOCKED by the immense reality of it all.
There is a line.
A line that surpasses numbness, alienation, isolation. A line that hits suddenly like tsunami. A line at which reality becomes too real.
No separation. No cushioning. No protection, or windbreak.
Nothing.
Nothing between you - and you alone - and the impenetribility of reality: vast, concentrated, thick, and infinite.
And I can't remember ever having so much a reality. Not when.... not when..... no. Not when....
Then I had a shield and now I have none, and I begin to fear I can never go back...
And I've heard some things. Things I wasn't ready to hear. Things I may never have been ready to hear. And I've seen things, felt things, come to know things...
And now i've come to appreciate "the human condition". That distance between minds, that space between souls.
Individualism. Alienation. Isolation. Aloneness.
My heart misses a nervous beat.
I am here.
And who isn't?
~12:22~
February 11th 2003
10:34; here
there's a point at which things start to get a little too real. i think i passed it ten mintues ago.
yep. too real.
~10:35~
February 7th 2003
now.
Top 5 things I've been thinking of today:
1) -nameless-
2) English project
3) hating the weather and it's preventing me from seeing the Shamus show.
4) Wanting to make an (International) Noise Conspiracy t-shirt
5) Little Tragedies by Hawksley Workman is a good song
you?
~still now~
February 6th 2003
8.42; Tim Horton's
Damn work and damn morning and, really, damn classes in general. It's another cold day. -20 with windchill. I think it's getting to my head. All these cold mornings and afternoons...
Went for Chinese food with Shann last night. Was much fun! Then we looked through (really) old photos from junior high and high school. Will borrow some for the webpage which is now on hold till I finish my English Prose Styles paper. (damn the 16th century!!)
Speaking of work.... I'm swamped. Like, unbelievably. So much to do I don't even know where to begin. I wrote my philosohpy paper (damn!!), but have yet to type it. Linguistics is going.... ever.... so.... slowly. English, due next week, isn't going at all at the moment. Free time? What free time?
Well... classes. Yes. Time to walk to classes. Damn.
~8.59~
February 4th 2003
2.43pm; Education Department Lounge, Burke Building, SMU
Just ran into Dr Mercer at the Tim Horton's in the library.
Am feeling strssed with homework and *chokes* social obligations. It's official. I try to do too much. Oh well. I manage.
Ryan gave me ghost glass yesterday wrapped in (really) 10 ft of paper towel. I was stoked. I'm a weird girl.
Saw Brett at Ben's last night. Hooray! And, well, obviously, Ben abd B. We watched Blur videos and, really, I've just been struck by the odd thought that I was the only A there.
Ter broke her ankle (knee?). It must really suck hard trying to get around Mt A on crutches in winter! Damn!
Haven't heard from Robb in a while. Hope teachers and parents haven't killed him about work or something...
Must now resume doing real work. Just wanted to empty my head of a few idle thoughts. now maybe I'll learn something in LIN300 tonight.
Ciao! Auf Wiedersehen!
~2.52~
January 29th, 2003
11.22am; Education Department Lounge, Burke Building, SMU
Time, it seems, is speeding up. And I don't have time for everything. I must study for my SOC test tomorrow, my German test tomorrow, and my Japanese test tomorrow. I must research the syntax and etymology of my slang and anti-language corpus. I must analyse 2 samples of 16th century prose. I must write a philosophy paper. I must write Robb and Teri. I must play my piano, practise playing my bass, and learn to play trombone. I must update the webpage. I must go for Chinese food with Shannon. Drink italian sodas with B. Go for coffee with Ryan. Go out on Friday with Ben. I must improve myself, my life, the world. I must create something worthwhile. I must be a good person. Change history, perceptions; overcome... god. These days life is a mountain. I must find more time!
~11:23~
January 28th, 2003
9.40am; Tim Horton's
I don't have the money to buy something beautiful. So I want to write something beautiful. I want to sing and play something beautiful. Which is naturally much harder than it sounds. But I'm absoluately motivated. These days are not long enough. Maybe I try to do too much. But I can't imagine living without doing all the things i'm doing right now. If i had to make a list of all the songs I felt like listening to right now, L'Arc en Ciel's "I'm So Happy" would be at the top. And I haven't wanted to say that for a very long time. It's -10 degrees. It feels like -20. But I have too much to do that I don't care. Somedays just show how brilliant they are.
~11:23~
December 30th, 2002
10.48; at the desk in my bedroom
Well.
Took a walk through a time warp of sorts --> cleaning out the top drawer of my bureau. The drawer where I put all my junk. The drawer I've been adding to for years, but haven't actually looked at since grade 8. I needed more space to put my clothes, so the junk had to go. I set out to clean it, something that sparked a cleaning and tidying frenzy all over my room. But it's been so many years since I've looked at the stuff in my top-drawer. As is turns out, many memories lay there. So I also took to cleaning all those other nooks and corners and shelves occupied by sentimental (and not-so-sentimental) junk.
Found:
1 set of fake, colourful, glow-in-the-dark eyelashes
various bindis
3 tubes of body glitter
1 package of Jell-O from 1968
1 each: Collective Soul, Joan Osborne, Hole, Alice In Chains casettes
red metal cover for the sprinklers in the PAL room
1 tube of purple lipstick
1 bottle of yak semen
10 cocktail umbrellas
set of 30 hair curlers
5 cds of anime music
2 spiked collars
5 flashing bracelets
1 "Gerald McBoing Boing" pin
1 large paper hat reading "I Bite My Toenails"
1 hand decorated toilet-seat picture frame
It seems appropriate to be looking through all these things tonight, the second to last night of 2002, the year that tried, nearly succeeded, but ultimately failed at bringing down at least one red-headed girl with an affinity for J-Rock. It is extraordinarily difficult, and probably impossible to listen to MSP's This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours, or Placebo's Without You I'm Nothing without thinking of that one person who used to be here all the time, and who will never be here again. That person who painted all three anime-themed rocks that I found tonight. That person who dubbed Motown Junk, This Is My Truth, and PCP/Faster for me so many years ago. That person with whom in this very room I wrote my first ever screenplay, about things we didn't understand; politics, international affairs.... grammar, plot.... That person who is now sitting on the other side of the country reading tarot cards for a living, carving out a new life, so similar to the old life it seems, at least on this coast, that it must have all been so much effort for so little result. That person who still makes me cry. That person who still occupies my mind on grey and sunny days.
That was last year. Here goes this year. The sprit and the life may have been cored out of this place, but it still exists and clings to whatever it can. There is still a Red-and-White store, and Bay Breeze Motel, a grave marked "Morse", a community wharf, and Bay Lookout Park, a bridge, and an abandoned house. Nothing has changed. Why does it feel like it has? I read in a magazine that there is now a group of physicists claiming there is no such thing as time.
Well.
That must be it.
Everywhere, everything is the same. And yet it isn't. There are no seconds, hours.... it is a time of tenses. Of past tenses. There is no future in this place, just memories that double and double in number the farther away I get. There is no future in this place. It hurts to say it. It hurts to say many things, and it can hurt even more to leave many things unsaid.
Please allow me to say what I never had the chance to say. Please allow me to say goodbye.
"Goodbye"
~11:23~
November 14th 2002
3:00; Tim Hortons, at the grumpy lady's favourite table!
Time for an update, I guess. I've been sopping wet since 7:30 this morning --> I don't think it's stopped raining all frikkin day; I'm soaked and cold and misrerable. And I just finished my tea. Sucky.
Just wrote a Japanese quiz, and it went well, as opposed to the usual "great". Oh well. We'll see.
Andrew's got surgery Monday since his lung blew up again. How typically Bollivar to get surgery for one's birthday. But then, it'll be nice to have hospital staff dealing with his attitude for a couple of days. I could use the break.
Went to Shannon's party Sunday (after a particularly enjoyable day at work. decorating! and organizing! alone!). Was fun.Many people (I did and didn't know) showed up. Even David Blades! Yay! My anagram? : "My Larva Boil". Nice music in the basement, too, with Kathryn (brill!), Suz, Jon, and Susan's boyfriend's friends wearing matching glasses.
Have a Modern English Language exam Monday. Joy.
Harry Potter in theatres tomorrow!!! Bianca and I are going to see it in the afternoon and meeting, if it can be arranged, Ian, Kathryn, Ben, Emilie, and Tove. Will be wearing the 'I Love Fred' and 'I Love George' t-shirts as well! Am stoked to see the film. I haven't even seen it yet and I want to see it again! What a dork I am!!!
*sigh* Don't want to move. As I may have mentioned, it's pissing rain. Bloody rain.... ewwwww.... that would be gross...
Ciao!
~3:20pm~
October 28th 2002
8:10ish; Burke building, SMU
My back hurts like a bitch. Goddamn. Probably from carving pumpkins, but who knows? Also, I forgot my watch at home this morning, so I don't really know what time it is. Blech. Stupid Monday.
Weekend was mostly a waste of time. Damn Unlimited Country Hallowe'en party.
Am supposed to go winter coat shopping with mom today.
I think it may be time to get to Philosophy.
~8:15ish?~
October 25th 2002
8:01am; Burke Building, SMU
Am insanely tired and unmotivated, and, really, unvoluntary this morning. Stayed up to watch a bit of the news last night but I don't think it was such a great idea. Survivor was good last night, at least until they all voted off Robb. *cries* how sad. Would have liked to see him get as far as the merger. *sigh* Oh well.
Ran into Brett on Spring Garden yesterday, and saw Bianca and Emilie at Paperchase. Ah yes, all's fine with everyone. I love that feeling. We were driving behind Ben this morning. Odd perspective.
Well... ugh. Have Philosophy in a few minutes. Damn these early mornings. Er.... bye-o.
~8:08~
October 13th 2002
12:22pm; Unlimited Country Tantallon
*smiles* You know, sometimes people aren't so bad. Must be the weather. All this day needs is another hot, tanned, arab-jew with maraccas. *good mood*
~12:22~
October 12th, 2002
12:24pm; Unlimited Country
Am at work. Sucky. But at the same time, it's nice because I'm in a good mood *shock* and so is everyone else. Just sorted the gourds. Yay! Hallowe'en rocks!
Teri and Alexi just visited as well. Was awesome to see them, as I've been increasingly convinced that life outside SMU and Paperchase is non-existent. Hooray for getting back to reality. I guess Bracey and Sarah are down for the weekend, too, along with Suz, Rachelle, Kelly (I think), and, well, everyone except Blades (who has a good excuse). Will hopefully see everyone tonight.
Oh. Customers browsing. Ciao baby
October 11th 2002
12:15pm; Paperchase
Just spent 20 minutes talking to homeless guy wearing a box. His name is Mike (this is the "Miss, you're pretty" guy). Made him cry.
Bianca's here. Bye
~11:17~
October 9th 2002
1:25pm; Second Cup, Spring Garden
Just "Read" Chapter 7 ('Social Stratification) of Soc text. Well, if I didn't read it I at least glanced at all of the words. Some of them twice. Yes, I'll admit I'm bloody tired a-bloody-gain. Today it may have something to do with pouring all my energy into Modern English Lsnguage mid-term. But still I maintain that these early mornings are killing me.
Ugh. Loud yappy 'very-important' sounding girls are sitting on the two comfy chairs in the corner. One just keeps yapping on and on about, well, nothing very important (less important than she thinks she is anyway). She's got that sonurous 's' in ver voice that travels loudly and suceeds in thoroughly pissing me off. I think she might like to steer away from her intended future in PR...
Saw George at Paperchase yesterday. lol
Have finished busy week-and-a-half or so. Have only Linguistics reading, ubiquitous Philosophy paper, and some good old fashioned German studying left to do. I guess that's decent, especially with long weekend ahead.
Will be having joint birthday party with Ben Saturday night. Really don't feel like going to work Sunday. Why go? 5 hours! Meh. I probably will.
Been thinking about e-mailing Megan. Wonder if I ever will....
Well, it's 'Second Cup Wednesday' today and that means screenplay writing. I think I've figured out that all my screenplays have circular plot-lines to some degree ('Her Last Painting': William ends up where he started, back with Suzanne, but with some neat insight; 'How I Lost And Found....': Alice calls Hassam from the Streets of East Vancouver to resume her old life; 'There Are No Sunsets': Wendi goes back to school, moves in with her mom, etc...). I wonder what that says about me: people leave their ordinary lives for little adventures but who always end up back where they started. *blinks*
Bye-o
~1:40pm