When I was your age, television was called books.

-the Grandfather/ Narrator, in response to the Kid’s attitude on books


-Does it got any sports in it?
-Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…
-Doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.

-the Kid and the Grandfather/Narrator, on the book


Is this a kissing book?

-the Kid, on the book


This is true love. You think this happens every day?

-Westley, on true love


Remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn’t buy brandy! And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland?

-Vizzini, on inigo and Fezzik


-No more rhymes now, I mean it!
-Anybody want a peanut?

-Vizzini and Fezzik (being rebellious)


-As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconcievable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiousity, why do you ask?
-Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
-What? ...Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel-infested waters...

-Vizzini and Inigo, proving the failure of the word "inconcievable"


I only dog paddle...

-Fezzik, on his swimming skills


If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels...

-Vizzini , being evil


-I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?
-Only compared to some

-Vizzini and Buttercup, on bravery


-You were supposed to be this colossus, you were this great legendary thing, and yet he gains!
-Well, I'm carrying three people and he got only himself.
-I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.

-Vizzini and Fezzik, on the future of Fezzik's employment


-Inconcievable! -You keep using that word. I don't think it means what it think it means...

-Vizzini and Inigo, on vocabulary


People in masks cannot be trusted

-Fezzik, on trust


Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this isn't as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.

-the Man in Black, on rock climbing


If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do...

-the Man in Black, on impatient bystanders (Inigo)


-I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
-That does put a damper on our relationship.
-...but I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top...
-that's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

-Inigo and the Man in Black, being civil


-I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
-Do you always begin conversations this way?

-Inigo and the Man in Black, being strange


-You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you
-You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

-Inigo and the Man in Black, beginning their fight


-You are wonderful
-Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
-I admit it, you are better than I am.
-then, why are you smiling?
-Because I know something that you don't know.
-And what is that?
-I am not left-handed!

-Inigo, pulling the ol' switcharoo on the Man in Black


-You're amazing!
-I ought to be after twenty years!
-There's something I ought to tell you...
-Tell me!
-I am not left-handed either!

-the Man in Black, pulling the ol' switcharoo on Inigo


-Who are you?
-No one of consequence
-I must know
-Get used to disappointment


I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like yourself.

-the Man in Black, at the end of the battle


Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

-the Man in Black, after knocking Inigo out


-Finish him! Finish him...your way
-Oh good...my way...Thank you, Vizzini. Which way's my way?
-Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes, the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock!
-My way is not very sportsman-like...

-Vizzini and Fezzik, on Fezzik's supposed mode of fighting


-So what happens now?
-We face each other as God intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no waepons, skill against skill alone.
-So you'll put down your rock and I put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?

-the Man in Black and Fezzick, on fair fighting


It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.

-Fezzik, justifying himself


-Look, are you just fiddling with me or what?
-I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed.

-the Man in Black and Fezzik, with an interesting perspective


-Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?
-Oh no, they're just terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

-Fezzik and the Man in Black, on masks


I do not envy you the headach you will have when you awake, but in the meantime, rest well and dream of large women.

-the Man in Black, to a concussed Fezzik the Giant


I always think everything is a trap. That's why I'm still alive.

-Prince Humperdink, with his life philosophy


You are trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.

-Vizzini, on Princess Buttercup


-Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
-Yes.
-Morons.
-Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
-For the princess? To the death? I accept!
-Good, then pour the wine...Inhale this, but do not touch.
-I smell nothing
-What you do not smell is iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the most deadly poisons known to man.
-Hmm
-All riight: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink and who is right and who is dead.
-But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own cup or his enemies. Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach or what he is given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known that I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
-You've made your decision then?
-Not remotely! Because Iocane comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
-Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
-Wait 'til I get going! Where was I?
-Australia.
-And you must have suspected that I would have known the poison's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
-You're just stalling now.
-You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means that you're exceptionally strong...so you could have put the poison in your own cup, depending on your strength to save you, so clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of you. But you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you wouldhave put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
-You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
-It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
-The make your choice.
-I will and I choose...What in the world can that be?

-Vizzini and the Man in Black, in a battle of wits, resorting to a cheap trick


-You guessed wrong.
-You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched cups while your back was turned. Ha, ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian, when death is on the line! Hahahahaha--[Plop-He is dead.]

-the Man in Black and Vizzini in the conclusion to the battle of wits

And what is that worth, the promise of a woman?

-the Man in Black, being chauvinistic


She is alive, or was an hour ago...if she is otherwise, I shall be very put out!


-You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
-With pride. What can I do for you?

-the Man in Black, being pompous


-You killed my love!
-It's possible. I kill a lot of people.

-the Man in Black, being pompous (again)


Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one...ugly, rich and scabby?

-the Man in Black, being pompous (yet again!)


Once word gets out that a pirate has gone soft, people disobey him and it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time...

-the Man in Black/ Dread Pirate Roberts, on the difficulties of pirating


-You mock my pain!
-Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

-Buttercup and the Dread Pirate Roberts, on life


Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong...they are headed straight into the fireswamp.
As...you... wish!

-the Man in Black,a.k.a. the Dread Pirate Roberts, revealing his true, true identity, saying "I love you" as he is pushed down a hill


-I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait?
-Well, you were dead.
-Death cannot stop true love...All it can do is delay it for a while.

-Westley and Buttercup, reunited


-They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
-Someday, you might not mind so much...

-the Kid and the Grandfather/Narrator, VO the reunion scene


-A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp.
-We'll never survive!
-You're only saying that because no one ever has!

-Westley and Buttercup, with differing views of safety


It's not bad...

-Westley, on the Fire Swamp


Well...I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely...

-Westley, regarding Buttercup's response to his previous statement on the Fire Swamp


For three years he said that, "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well...I'll most likely kill you in the morning...

-Westley, on life as a "hostage" on the Pirate Ship Revenge


You see, no one would surrender to the "Dread Pirate Westley"

-Westley, on the truth behind pirating


-Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
-Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

-Buttercup and Westley (about to be proven wrong)


-Surrender!
-You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.

-Prince Humperdink and Westley (being pompous)


-I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.

-Prince Humperdink


-I tell you once, surrender!
-It will not happen!
-For the last time, surrender!
-Death first!
-Will you promise not to hurt him?
-What was that?
-What was that?

-Prince Humperdink, Westley and Buttercup (confusing the others)


We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

-Westley, to Count Rugen


You have sic fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you.

-Westley, to Count Rugen


Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.

-the Grandfather/Narrator, to the Kid


Yes, you're very smart. Shut up.

-the Grandfather/Narrator, to the Kid


Please consider me as an alternative to suicide...

-Prince Humperdink to Buttercup


Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.

-Prince Humperdink, on his upcoming schedule


Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything.

-Count Rugen to Prince Humperdink (alluding to his preference for torturing healthy subjects)


I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest in pain...

-Count Rugen to Westley


Interesting...

-Count Rugen's evaluation of Westley's moans after being tortured


-It won't be easy, Sire.
-Try ruling the world sometime...

-Yellin and Prince Humperdink


You don't look so good...You don't smell so good either...

-Fezzik, on a drunk Inigo


I feel fine

-Inigo's final words before collapsing into a drunken stupor


-But you don't know where he is!
-Don't bother me with trifles! After twenty years, my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!

-Fezzik and Inigo, planning


You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love and you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, it is only beacuase you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth!

-Buttercup to Prince Humperdink, being dramatic


You truly love each other and so, you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so, I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will!

-Prince Humperdink to Westley, being equally dramatic


EVERYBODY MOVE!

-Fezzik, pursuading a crowd to clear


-Have you any money?
-I have a little.
-I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

-Inigo and Fezzik


Thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nive paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

-Miracle Max, on being reminded that he was fired


-Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!
-I'm on the Brute Squad.
-You are the Brute Squad!

-Miracle Max and Fezzik


-Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money>
-Sixty-five.
-Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.
-This is noble, sir. His wife...is crippled..children on the brink of starvation...
-Are you a rotten liar.
-I need him to avence my father, nurdered this twenty years.
-Your first story was better.

-Miracle Max and Inigo


It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead...

-Miracle Max, describing Westly's condition


Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT- mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich- when the mutton is nice and lean...

-Miracle Max


I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!

-Valerie to Miracle Max


-Wait, wait...I make him bettrer, Humperdink suffers?
-Humiliations galore!
-That is a noble cause, give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!

-Miracle Max and Inigo, getting their priorities straight


-That's a miracle pill?
-The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait at least fifteen minutes for full potency and he shouldn't go swimming after for at least...
-an hour!

-Inigo, Miracle Max and Valerie, on the miracle pill


Have fun storming the castle!

-Miracle Max


-Think it'll work?
-It'll take a miracle.

-Miracle Max and Valerie, on the pill


I beat you both apart; I'll beat you both together!

-Westley, instantly after regaining life


-Why won't my arms move?
-You've been mostly dead all day.

-Westley and Fezzik


-You just shook your head! Doesn't that make you happy?
-My brains, his steel, and your strength against ssixty men and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm?

-Fezzik and a testy Westley


-What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak...
-There we cannot help you.
-Would this do?
-Where did you get that?
-Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said that I could keep it...

-Westley, Inigo and Fezzik, getting their plan together


-Now, I'll need a sword eventually...
-Why? You can't even lift one!
-True, but that's hardly common knowledge is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside. -I'll say! How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape...?
-Don't pester him, he's had a hard day.

-Westley, Inigo and Fezzik, further evaluating their plan of action


Mawwidge....

-the Lisping Clergyman


-Give us the gate key.
-I have no gate key.
-Fezzik, tear his arms off.
-Oh, you mean this gate key...

-Inigo and Yellin


You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years afo. Simply incredible. You've been tracing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous.

-Count Rugen to Inigo


There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. I would be a pity to damage yours...

-Westley, stopping Buttercup from suicide


-Gently...
-At a time like this, is that all you can think to say? Gently?
-Gently...

-Westley and Buttercup, in an intimate moment


Good heavens! Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday...

-Count Rugen to Inigo


Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

-Inigo's revenge motto


-Offer me money!
-All that I have and more...please
-Offer me anything I ask for...
-Anything you want...
-I want my father back, you son of a *****!

-Inigo, attaining revenge


-Did you say "I do"?
-Uh...no...we sort of skipped that part...

-Westley and Buttercup, on her "marriage" to the Prince


-To the death!
-No. To the pain!
-I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase...
-I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced baboon!
-I think that's the first time in my life a man has dard to insult me!
-It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be the feet below the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose...
-And then my tongue, I suppose? I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
-I wasn't finished.The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right...
-And then my ears...I understand...Let's get on with it!
-WRONG! Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why: so that every shreik of every child at seeking your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out,"Dear God, what is that thing?!" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means, it means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

-Prince Humperdink and Westley


-I think you're bluffing.
-I might be bluffing. It's concievable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again...Perhaps I have the strength to stand, after all...DROP...YOUR...SWORD...

-Prince Humperdink and Westley


-I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was...bluffing...
-Shall I dispatch him for you?
-Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

-Prince Humperdink, Inigo and Westley


-Fezzik, you did something right!
-Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

-Inigo and Fezzik, on Fezzik getting the horses


-You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
-Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts...

-Inigo and Westley


-It's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.
-I don't mind so much...

-the Grandfather/Narrator and the Kid


Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End.

-the Grandfather/Narrator

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