Daddy Dearest?

It had been almost seven months before Olympus calmed down enough to get back to the normal order of things. That meant seven, glorious Zeus-free months for the god of war in which he took every opportunity to, well, slack off. Wars were started, ofcourse, but Ares usually sent Strife or some other minion to attend to things while he sprawled across his throne and drank Ambrosia flavored Pina Coladas. Xena was around, as usual, which meant he never got out of shape from too much booze or snacks. All good things must come to an end, as they say. The same held true for the god of war.

It was annoyingly early in the morning (ten oclock, how dare he?!), when Hermes zipped into the mortal realm in Ares' Spartan temple.

Appearing in the master bedchamber, Hermes stood for a few moments, not daring to move. It was common knowledge that to wake Ares was to invite certain death. But after remembering just exactly how many messages he had to deliver before quitting time - Thursdays were busy days for him, go figure - he hesitantly approached the mound of bed cover to get a better view.

"Damn, Ares is putting on the pounds!", the messanger god thought to himself while staring at the heap of black sheets. Hmm...The sheets seemed to be moving slightly in a strange up and down motion. And did he remember Ares moaning in his sleep as a child?

Never the brightest of the bunch, Hermes decided to 'wake' his older brother and get back to work. Poking the busy god of war with a strangely pointy scroll proved to not be the best of ideas.

Hermes went flying back with a girly scream, slamming into the far wall before slidding to the floor in a heap. Were his sandals broken?, he thought while standing. Hmm, he would have to get them checked when he got back to Olympus. Being sent through the air at such a speed was definately a malfunction of some sort!

When his vision returned and the world around him stopped spinning, Hermes saw that the motion beneath the covers had stopped and a very angry looking dark head was sticking from the top of them.

"Hermes?!"

"Ah, you're awake!", Hermes exclaimed loudly, completely oblivious of the fire in his brother's annoyed gaze. "Dad said that you like to keep your butt in bed all day, but its nearly 10 already! Time to get up, brace the new day, take charge and do something with your life!"

Ares stared at his younger, infomercial-sounding brother in a strange sort of shock. "Get up? Take charge?..." Perhaps he meant fixing a drink? Or getting laid? What else was there?!?! "I was taking charge! Until you poked me in the ass!" Ares remembered why he was so angry, before Hermes scrambled his head with talk of work and other foreign concepts, that is.

Hermes was about to fly into the wall again, when a long arm yanked Ares back under the covers. There were a few, annoyed grunts; but they soon turned to groans and Hermes was promptly forgotten.

Again the head popped up, this time with company. "Oh, hey Xena!"

Hermes was forced to look away by the sheer, unbridaled force of 'the look' thrown his way. Yet this incredible force is nothing compared to the idiocy of Hermes. "What are you doing here?", he asked while staring at the wall and wondering why his eyes were suddenly on fire.

"Knitting, Hermes. We were knitting."

"Really? I didn't know Ares could knit! Well, Hercules told me once that he could but I just thought it was a jo..."

"What?!" Ares jolted up in the bed, wanting to take out the ,um, mounting amount of energy suddenly in his godly form on *someone*. "He's dead!" Xena grabbed Ares before he could run off, nude, to kill his half-god brother. Ares' lip poked out. "Well...Can I just maim him?"

"No, Ares."

"Give him really bad sunburn?!"

Xena paused for a moment, but finally shook her head no. Ares, with his best 'mommy-is-mean' look, crossed his arms and pouted. Xena decided she should do something about the situation before Ares became too lost in his delusions of Herc-death to be of any more service that day. "What do you want, Hermes?" The warrior princess dared a glance to Ares, who had started muttering. Not a good sign. "And make it quick, if you could."

Hermes, having no idea what in Tarterous was going on, just smiled blankly. "Oh, alright. Just wait a sec while a find the scroll...." He began to dig through his messanger bag, then his pockets, but he found nothing. He even looked in his shoes, hoping it was a small scroll perhaps, but nothing. Finally, he caught the pointy scroll sticking out from Ares' headboard. "Above your head, Xena, if you don't mind."

Preoccupied with the muttering and now growling Ares, Xena was caught off guard by Hermes' request. "My head...What...Oh, yes, sorry..." She yanked the scroll from the headboard and nearly severed a finger on its sword-sharp edge. After staring at it a while, and wondering if any one would notice if she stole it for a new weapon, Xena looked back to Hermes. "Is that all?"

"Uh...Yeah. Oh, and Zeus said that if Ares didn't obey the scroll um...wait...Yeah, I was supposed to threaten something about loosing limbs or something I can't remember. Sorry."

"It's fine, Hermes. We get the point. Leave now."

Hermes waved chipperly to Xena and flew into the aether. Xena stared at where he was previously standing for a few seconds before remembering the twitching lover at her side. "ARES!"

Nothing. Well, until Xena poked him with that damn scroll. "Ouch! Xeeenaa, that hurt!"

"You're a god, Ares, grow a set.

"Oh, yeah, right. Forgot. What is it? And why is my left eye twitching?"

Xena grinned, liking it when Ares' eye twitched but not wanting to admit it. "Long story, hun. Just read this."

Oh so carefully, Xena handed the scroll to Ares, who admired the lovely handiwork of the weapon (looked like Heph's work, actually) before remembering to open it. He did so and had to read the summons four times before understanding. Even then, a blank stare that rivaled Hermes' crossed his face and the twitching became worse then ever.

"Ares?..." Xena waved her hand in front of his face, a bit worried. "Ares? What is it?" It appeared that the god of war was trying to speak but his voice was failing him horribly. He just kept opening and closing his mouth in a nice 4-beat rythym. Impaitent, Xena grabbed the scroll from his hands and read for herself.

@~~~~~~~~@

Ares, the god of bloodlust, war, rage ect ect , is hereby summoned to appear before a court of his peers / a court ruled by a judge for the following violations of Olympus' decree.

Have a nice day :)

@~~~~~~~~@

Even Xena had to read the scroll twice, shock evident in her fair features. Finally, after carefully placing the deadly summons on the bed beside her, she dared to look at Ares. Her lover was still frozen, his hands exactly where they had been while holding the scroll and a frightening look of wonder etched on his face.

Knowing the ol hand-waved-before-the-face trick wasn't going to work, Xena thought desperately of how to pull her lover from his court induced coma. She had it...

"Ares...Um...Zeus fell off of Mt. Olympus and is crippled at the bedroom door..."

Ares was up in an instant, almost flying to the door. He paused there momentarily before turning to Xena with a scowl. "Don't do that to me!!" He returned to the bed and snuggled next to Xena as if nothing was wrong.

The warrior princess glared at Ares, wondering if the shock had damaged braincells or something. "You alright, lover?"

"Oh sure, yeah. I'm great. Wanna fool around?"

"Ares."

"What?!" Ares looked up at her with innocent brown eyes.

"Is everything alright?"

Ares nodded happily and began to whistle the Xena theme song.

"Ares..." Xena thoroughly enjoyed the tune but would enjoy a halfway sane boyfriend a tad bit more. "Are you doing that denile thing again?"

"Yep. It's fun. Try it with me."

As wonderfully tempting as that offer was - damn if Ares didn't look happy! - Xena couldn't. She quickly gave her lover a smack upside the head for good measure and then began to send her superhero mind into overdrive. She had to think of something, anything...Her boyfriend's sanity was at stake. And worse : HIS BANK ACCOUNT!

To Be Continued