The sun wakes me up, as it pours through a gap in the blinds. I sigh and roll onto my back to savour its warmth on my face. Then I remember, and my whole world comes crashing down again. My big brother is dead. I close my eyes and try to conjure up Jay’s face, but I can’t. I climb out of bed and dig through my drawer for a family photo. I need to see him. Why can’t I remember him?
“Jade, you ok?” Ali walks into the room.
“I can’t find him!”
“Jade?” she comes over to kneel next to me. “You can’t find who?”
“Jay, I can’t remember his face.” I start throwing my clothes out of the case.
“Jady…” she puts her hands over mine. “Calm down. You CAN remember him.”
“I need the picture,” I start crying. Ali looks at me before looking for it herself. A few seconds later, she finds it and hands it to me. It’s a picture of me and Jay with our parents. I point them all out to Ali. “This is my papa, and my mom, and Jay. It was taken one Christmas when we went skiing in Colorado. It was amazing. Jay is such a great skier, he laughed so hard at me cos I was always sliding down the slopes on my butt.” I realise my mistake and tears start falling down my face. “He WAS…”
“It’s ok Jady, it’s ok,” she whispers, holding onto me.
“It’s not ok,” I look at her. “It’ll never be ok.”
She sighs softly, “I know.”
And I’m amazed to see tears fill her eyes. In all my grief I had forgotten about Ali. She has lost him too. Jay had been her best friend and her almost lover.
“It’s ok,” I reach out and hold onto her as well. We sit there crying together.
“JADE!” Ali yells from the front door. “Brian’s here!”
“Oh,” I walk out of my room and into the hallway. I stop when I see him. It takes all my energy to stop myself from just running into his arms and feeling him hold me tight. I shake my head slightly and remind myself that if I did run to him, he wouldn’t hold me. “Why are you here?” I ask him as Ali heads into her room, to give us privacy I guess.
“I wanted to see you,” he says quietly. “How are you feelin’?” he asks and then stops himself. “I know, I know – dumb question.”
“I’m ok,” I shrug. “Thanks for askin’.”
“Could we talk?” he asks softly and I study his face.
“What do we got to talk about anymore?” I mutter and he just stares at me. “Forgive me but my brother just died and I can’t deal with doin’ a post-mortem of our marriage just yet. I don’t know if I will EVER be ready for that. It’s over and it’s all my fault but I’m goin’ to spend the rest of my life missing you. I guess that’s punishment enough. Just leave it there.”
“Leave it there? You just want me to leave it Jade?”
“I can’t deal with it,” I whisper, tears starting to fall down my cheeks.
“Oh don’t cry because of me,” he whispers, moving towards me as if he’s going to hold me. I know he’s not going to hold me so I step back, against the wall. “I can’t leave it Jade.”
“You want to hurt me?” I ask. “Because this is hurting me. There is nothing you can do or say that will hurt me more than this. I have to live the rest of my life without you Brian,” I say and start to cry properly. “And without Jay.”
“You don’t have to be without me,” Brian says as he reaches out and pulls me away from the wall and into his arms. “And I wish I could bring Jay back for you.”
“I AM without you,” I pull back from him. I can’t bear to be so close to him but he won’t let go of me. I twist my body slightly but his grip on my arms just tightens. “Let go of me!”
“Jade listen to me! You will ALWAYS have me in your life.”
“I don’t want you!” I yell straight into his face. “I don’t want you in my life as a friend! I don’t want you to do anything else but love me and you don’t so I don’t want you in my life.”
“I do love you,” he murmurs.
“Still?” I stare at him.
“Always. I can’t let you go without fighting for you, for what we have. We need to talk things through, I know that, but it can wait a while. I can’t let you go through losing Jay alone.”
“Oh,” I whisper and look down at my hand in his. For the first time I realise he still wears his wedding band. I touch it with my other hand and start to cry.
“Baby, I’m here ok?” he pulls me back into his arms and I just melt into him, feeling his arms soothe me as I cry. “When do you fly to Atlanta with Jay?” he asks after a while.
“Tomorrow night.”
“I’ll be with you,” he promises and I look up at him.
“Thank you.”
“You feelin’ better now?” he wipes away my tears and I nod slightly.
“I don’t think I have any more tears left in me,” I joke weakly and he smiles.
“Good because I hate to see you cry.”
“Yeah,” I whisper, feeling like I want him to kiss me so bad. He feels it too, I know because he leans closer to me. I close my eyes and wait to feel his soft lips against mine. He clears his throat slightly and I open my eyes. He’s moved back from me. I smile, hiding the hurt I feel. `God Jade,’ I tell myself. `He’s only here to help you through Jay’s funeral then he’ll be gone. And don’t forget the fact that you’re pregnant with another guy’s baby too’.
“Jade, there’s something you need to know. It’s about when Jay died,” he leans against the opposite wall.
“Ok,” I nod.
“Nick was there when Jay died,” he starts. “He went to the club and argued with him. It blew his cover. Nick didn’t have a clue that Jay was on a job and called him by his name. Apparently he’d told this other guy his name was something else.”
“Nick blew his cover?”
“Yeah. They argued over Ali and Jay said something dumb about sleeping with her. Nick went crazy and started saying stuff about Jay thinking he was better than him because of his job.”
“Did he say Jay was FBI?”
“Yes.”
“Oh god…” I moan and slump against the wall, dropping my head into my hands.
“That made this guy pull his gun on Jay, but Jay was talking him down until some other police officers got involved. They freaked the guy into pulling the trigger.”
“Nick killed my brother.”
“He didn’t Jade. He feels so incredibly guilty, but it wasn’t all him. If those guys hadn’t stormed the place, Jay would’ve talked that guy down.”
“Says Nick,” I mutter.
“And other witnesses.”
“Oh,” I say. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel now. Am I supposed to hate Nick and blame him for my brother’s death? I don’t think I have enough feeling left in me for that.
“Don’t blame Nick for this. He feels so guilty by himself. And it really wasn’t his fault,” Brian says.
“My brother’s still dead,” I whisper.
“JADE?!”
I look up from my photos as AJ walks into the room. He looks pale and upset. I just stare at him. It feels like forever since I saw him. The last time I saw him, he had kissed me and then I had left his place forever. I wonder if he’s still mad with me for just leaving him with nothing more than a letter.
“I just heard about Jay,” he says, pulling me up and holding me in his arms. “I am so sorry.”
I let him hold me, resting my head against his shoulder and breathing in his scent. He’s so different to Brian. Brian smells like warmth and security and protection. AJ smells like danger and longing and…completeness. Whoa, where’d that thought come from? AJ complete me? I step away from him and shake my head slightly to clear it of his scent. I guess it’s just my hormones going haywire. I mean I’ve just lost my brother AND I’m pregnant with no partner – I can be excused for having crazy hormones right now. AJ smiles slightly as we stand looking at each other in silence. I don’t know what to say to him. It feels so weird being here with him. I don’t feel the same way I used to around him.
“You doin’ ok?” he breaks the silence.
“I guess,” I shrug. “I just wanna get through the funeral. Then maybe I can start gettin’ through it all.”
“Yeah. It’s in Atlanta?”
“Uh huh.”
“You want me to come with you?”
“Brian’s already offered.”
“Of course,” he smiles slightly. “Well… I guess I should go.”
I don’t want him to leave. I want him to stay here while I figure out what’s changed. Why is he having this effect on me? Making me feel like he’s my other half? He’s just AJ. He looks at me again and then nods slightly before walking out of the room. I sit down slowly. I pick up a picture of Jay and trace his features with my finger. I’m only feeling this way because losing my brother has turned my world upside down. I’ll feel normal again soon.
“Jade, please let me come in,” he begs her. He is standing outside her house. After being released from hospital the first thing he had done was get a car here. He needs to talk with her, to make her see how bad he feels. And Ali.
“There’s nothing to say,” Jade responds quietly, folding her arms.
“There is. I am SO so sorry I went steamin’ in there. I should’ve stopped and thought things through.”
“Well shouldas and sorrys won’t bring my brother back.”
“I know that,” he whispers, trying so hard not to cry. “If they could, he would be back already. I don’t know what to say… Just please don’t shut me out of this.”
“So, what do you want me to do? Yell you out? Hit you? What?”
“Yeah. Do anything! I can take it ALL,” Nick begs her. “I feel SO awful about this. I can’t sleep anymore. I get nightmares. I see Jay everywhere I go.”
“So do I,” Jade tells him. “And I had nothin’ to do with his death,” she adds.
“I know,” he bows his head. “If I could die instead, I think I would.”
“Don’t say that!” Jade exclaims. “Nick, you are still my friend and I love you. Ali does too, I know that. And I don’t blame you for Jay’s death. One of his colleagues came to see me and he told me the full story of this guy and what happened in the bar. He thought Jay was FBI BEFORE you turned up. Jay shoulda gotten out of there but he was too damn stubborn and then you turned up and it all went crazy.”
“I didn’t know that part,” Nick stares at her. “He knew Jay was police?!”
“Apparently,” Jade sighs. “Look Nick, just give me a little time to deal with my brother’s funeral. Please.”
“Ok. When’s the funeral?”
“This weekend.”
“Oh. Could I be there?”
“I guess,” she shrugs. “If you really want to.”
“I do. Thank you,” he says and turns to walk away.