“This AJ guy seriously has a thing for my sister huh?” Jay suddenly says halfway through the movie we’re watching together. I look at him and realise he’s staring at me. It makes me blush like a schoolgirl.
“He loves her,” I manage to say.
“He said. I know how he feels,” he adds and looks back at the TV.
“Well of course you love Jade. She’s your sister.”
“I wasn’t talking ‘bout Jade. You know I wasn’t.”
“Me?” I ask nervously and he sighs.
“Ali, you know I’ve always loved you. But you love Nick and I’m dealing with that. It just makes it harder when I have to see you every day.”
“Sorry,” I bow my head.
“Hey, my job will be done by next week and it’s not your fault.”
“I just wish I didn’t love you too,” I confess quietly.
“Ali?” he reaches out to gently lift my head so that we are looking at each other. “You love me?”
“I’ve always loved you Jay,” I tell him, tears filling my eyes. “But I love Nick too and I’m so confused. What do I do?”
“I wish I could tell you that,” he sighs.
“You love Jay too?” I ask Ali and she nods.
“Uh huh. You know that already!”
“Yeah but I always thought you loved Nick more.”
“So did I. I don’t know what to do!” she groans.
“I think you should tell Nick about the baby. I mean, that’s the reason you started shutting him out,” I remind her. “If you just tell him, then the two of you can go from there.”
“Maybe,” Ali sighs. “I’m not so scared of losing him anymore. I guess it would make my life easier.”
“You won’t lose him,” I say. “He loves you so much.”
“I know,” she admits. “What about you and Brian?”
“I don’t know,” I shrug. “It’s different.”
And it really is. It’s been almost a month since I left hospital and I have barely seen Brian. He had come round the week after I settled into AJ’s but it had been kinda awkward. I guess away from the hospital, reality had set in for him. He hasn’t forgiven me for the JC thing but he’s reluctant to bring it up with me so that we can talk. I guess he’s scared I’m gonna collapse on him or something. He’s spent the past week in Kentucky with his parents and I have no clue when he’s coming back here.
AJ’s been amazing since I’ve been here. The first night I spent here he kept coming into my room and checking I was still breathing. He doesn’t let me cook or anything, though he’s getting a little more relaxed now. I mean, I am totally fit again. I rarely see him during the day cos we both just do our own thing but at night… Those are cool. We fix dinner together and eat watching the dumbest TV movie we can find. And we talk about everything that ever existed or will ever exist. It’s just so comfortable and relaxed. I have no idea what I ever did to deserve a friend like him but I’m glad I did it.
I decide to take Jade’s advice and tell Nick about losing his baby. I am so nervous already. I stand outside his door and take a few deep breaths to compose myself before knocking. I am scared that this will make him finally leave me. I love Jay but I know deep down inside, Nick is my soulmate. He opens the door and we stare at each other. Every time I go away from him I forget just how gorgeous he is. I forget how his eyes and lips make my heart stop beating and every time it catches me unawares. He is the first to recover, standing back and letting me into the house.
“Come sit down Ali,” he offers and I take the chair opposite the couch. He sits on the couch. “You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m ok. You?”
“Uh huh.”
“Nick, I need to tell you something. It’s about why I stopped letting you touch me. And you’re not gonna like it,” I say softly as my eyes quickly fill with tears.
“Ok. I’m listening.”
“I should’ve told you then but I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want you to hurt as much as I do,” I start to cry.
“What is goin’ on?” Nick asks, sounding a little scared.
“Before I left for Brooklyn, I had a miscarriage.”
“A…? You were…?” he stammers.
“I was pregnant, yeah.”
“But…”
“I tried to tell you. You remember the night I asked about babies? You said maybe in the future and I lost my nerve cos I was scared you would leave me. I was going to tell you the next day but then I lost our baby and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Our…” he stammers, sitting down slowly. “You were… Oh God Ali,” he hangs his head and I move to sit by him.
“I wanted to tell you, so that I could cry with you but then I didn’t want you to hurt.”
“You should’ve told me,” he says quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“That’s why you wouldn’t let me touch you?”
“I was scared it’d happen again,” I confess and he stands up. “Where are you going? Nick?”
“I need to…” he mutters and disappears out of the door.
I hear his steps above me and then a door shuts. I guess he hates me so much that he can’t even look at me anymore. I rest my head in my hands and cry.
Ali was pregnant? Their baby died? She was too scared to tell him? Nick’s head spins with what he has just heard. He sits on his bed and hangs his head. He doesn’t know what to do. He had never known she was pregnant so it’s kinda like a double shock. How do you get to grips with the idea of having a baby and losing it in the same second? Nick sighs heavily and looks up at a picture of him and Ali together. They look so happy. They WERE happy. He loves her. She’s the only person he has ever loved so much and so blindly. When he had found out about her past in Brooklyn, he had never thought he could forgive her. But he had found it in him because he loved her so much. It hurts him that she lost their baby but it hurts more that she had been afraid to tell him. When she had stopped touching him, he had gone through so much fear and self-loathing, afraid that she had fallen out of love with him, afraid that she had finally seen what his last girlfriend had seen – a fat dumb idiot. It had taken so much for him to finally pluck up the courage to confront her over it. And now he knows why and he knows what to do. He stands up and slowly heads back down to where he left her, hoping that she is still there. She is. She’s sat on the couch, crying hard. He walks over to sit by her and she looks up.
“It’s gonna be ok baby,” he tells her and wraps her up in his arms. “I’m here and I’ll never leave you.”