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Kaj se zgodi, če prepoveš kajenje by Marjetka

Basni:

1. Grejo tri vrtnice po puščavi, pa je tretja vrtnica postala zelo žejna pa reče prvi:

"Daj mi prosim malo vode, ker sem res žejna."

Pa reče prva:

"Ne, doma bi si vzela pa bi mela."

In tretja vrtnica oveni. Potem reče druga prvi:

"Daj mi malo vode!"

Pa reče prva:

"Ne, doma bi si vzela, pa bi imela!" Pa gre naprej, druga pa oveni. Potem gre prva vrtnica se kar naprej, pa po 3 km oveni.

NAUK: Dala, al' ne dala, ovenela boš!

2. Pade zajček u lukno, pa pravi lisici: "Lisica, dej me potegn ven!"

Lisica: "O.K."

Pa mu pomoli rep noter, zajček pa spleza ven.
Drug dan pa pade lisica noter.

Lisica:"Zajček, dej me ven potegn!"

Pa zajček pomoli rep noter pa ma prekratkega. Pa potegne iz žepa mobitel pa pokliče vlečno službo.

NAUK: Če maš kratkega, mej mobitel pr seb!!!

3. Volk skrit v grmu zakikirika, lisica skoči v grm, volk pa jo nabriše.

NAUK: Kdor zna tuje jeziki,lahko vsako nategne.
{Ja ta je preverjena v praksi! ;)}

4. Bel zajček je imel na vrhu uhlja črn trikotnik, pa mu je šlo zelo na živce... šel je do lisice. Svetovala mu je, da si ga pobeli. Do prvega dežja je bilo vse v redu, potem pa spet enako. Zdaj je šel do sove. Rekla mu je, da naj gre do železniške proge, nastavi uhelj na tir in vlak mu ga bo odrezal.
Zajček se odpravi do tirov, ter nastavlja uhelj, da bi mu odrezal samo črn trikotnik.
Medtem pripelje vlak in ubogemu zajčku odreže glavo.

NAUK: Moški zaradi črnih trikotnikov izgubljajo glavo.

5. Nekoč je šla veverica malo po gozdu. Pa pod drevesom sreča zajca, ki nekaj vneto piše.

"Zajec, kaj pa ti delaš?"
"Pišem diplomsko nalogo".
"Kaj pa?"
"Volk je bedak".
"Kaj? A si nor? Ko bo volk to slišal te bo zmlel v prah!"
"Ha, pa kaj bo on!"

Pa veverica to pove volku, pa ji ne verjame:
"Pa kaj bi siromašni zajec! Saj si ne bi upal tega napisati!"

Pa spet lisica pride k zajcu in ga vpraša:

"Zajc, kaj pa ti delaš?"
"Pišem diplomsko nalogo:"Volk je bedak"."
"A si zmešan? Volk te bo raztrgal!"
"Eh!"

Lisica pride k volku in mu to pove. Malo mu je že bilo sumljivo,a še vedno ni čisto verjel:
"Pa, ne me hecat; ta strahopetni zajec, da bi pisal diplomsko nalogo "Volk je bedak" Kje pa!"

Pa spet srna vidi zajca in ga vpraša:
"Ja zajc, kaj pa ti tako vneto pišeš?"
"Diplomsko nalogo z naslovom Volk je bedak."
"Oh, neeee! A veš, kaj bo volk iz tebe naredil, ko bo slišal za to?!"
"Ma ne ga srat, kaj bo pa volk meni!"

Pa spet srna zašpeca to volku in le-temu je bilo tega dovolj. Besen se odpravi k zajcu.
"Zajec! Slišal sem, da pišeš neko diplomsko nalogo."
"Ja, ja, seveda, glej!"
"Emmm, kako pa ji je naslov?"
"Volk je bedak."
"Groooarrr, zdaj si mrtev!!!"

V tistem trenutku pa pride iz brloga medved, zgrabi volka in ga raztrga.

NAUK: Ni važno, kaj je naslov. Važno je, kdo ti je mentor.

6. živali so imele v gozdu žur. Pa se ga je zajček nabasal, da niti stati ni mogel, zato prosi lisico, naj ga pelje domov.
"OK.", lisica ga naloži na rep in ga lepo odpelje domov.
No, pa pride drugi žur, kjer pa se ga je lisica tako nabasala, da ni niti stati mogla. Zato se spomni na zajčka in ga prosi, naj jo tokrat on odnese domov.
"Ni problema.", pravi zajček, jo naloži na repek in nese. Ker pa ima zajček majhen repek, mu lisica kar naprej drsi dol. Nekaj časa jo popravlja, nato pa obupa in pusti lisico sredi gozda, sam pa zbeži domov.

NAUK: Če imaš majhen repek, moraš imeti vsaj avto.

7. Črv si ogleduje jabolko na drevesu in pravi:

"Malo bom počakal, da bo jabolko zraslo, pa bo padlo dol pa ga bom pojedel, pa bom sit."

Pa vidi kos jabolko in črva in si pravi:

"Bom počakal, da jabolko zrase in pade dol, pa bo črv sit, pa ga bom pojedel pa bom še jaz sit."

Pa vidi muc jabolko, črva in kosa in si pravi:

"Bom pocakal, da jabolko zraste in pade dol pa bo črv sit, pa bo kos sit, pa ga bom pojedel in bom še jaz sit."

In res jabolko zrase, pade dol, ga črv poje, črva poje kos in ko muc skoči, da bi pojedel kosa, se ta izmakne in muc pade v vodo.

NAUK: Daljša je predigra, bolj mokra je muca.

8. Kot vemo, je šla Rdeča Kapica skozi gozd k babici. V gozdu je nabirala rožice, na koncu zgodbe pa še volka ugonobila.

NAUK: Ne pošiljaj Rdeče Kapice v gozd, ker uničuje floro in fauno!

9. Gre lisjak po gozdu in opreza, kje bi oplenil kakšno malico. Pride do drevesa, kjer sedi vran s kosom kruha v kljunu. Lisjak je po nekem naravnem zakonu močnejsi od vrana, torej je vranu nadrejen. Zato vranu ukaže, naj mu prepusti ta kruh. Ker vran ne nasede, lisjak iz gole togote zakrici:
"Vran, nategnil sem ti ženo!"

"Kaaaj?!", se začudi vran, takrat pa mu kruh pade iz kljuna, naravnost v lisjakov gobec.

NAUK: Če ti nadrejeni nategne �eno, bodi raje tiho, da ne ostaneš brez kruha!

10. Ujame Mujo zlato ribico, le ta mu pa reče:

"Izpolnim ti tri zelje, če me pustiš pri življenju in me spustiš v vodo!"

Nato Mujo pristane ne to ponudbo in našteje svoje želje: Ženske, denar, avto. Nato spusti ribico v vodo ... in le ta mu uide.

NAUK: Tudi ribe lažejo!

11. Zunaj pritiska mraz in močno sneži. Nebogljen mladi ptiček se nekaj časa upira hudemu mrazu, nato omahne na cesto. Čez nekaj časa ga sneg popolnoma pokrije in globoko zamrzne. Čez nekaj dni se sneg stali, ptiček pa se vedno le�i zmrznjen sredi poljske poti. Čez kakšen čas pride mimo krava in
zagleda ptička na cesti. Krava kot krava si ni mogla kaj, da se ne bi nanj posrala. Ptičku je seveda storila dobro delo, kajti v toplem govnu mu je postalo toplo in je oživel. Začel je čivkati na ves glas, da bi vsi izvedeli kako je srečen, da je še živ. Mimo pride lačna lisica in zasliši ptička, ga
potegne iz dreka in ga za malico poje!

NAUK: Ni vsak sovražnik, ki te v drek tiši! Ni vsak prijatelj, ki te iz dreka vlece! in Ko si v dreku ne odpiraj kljuna!!!!

12. Štorkla vid iz zraka žabo pa ji reče:

"Ti pa ne znaš letat!"

Žaba: "Boli me kurac."

Pol se pa štorkla v �tango zabije.

NAUK: Kdor ima predolg jezik se spotakne.

Vzemi si cas in preberi te izjave. Nekatere so svetovne...

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."

Steve Martin

"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

Woody Allen

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."

Woody Allen

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL convertible."

Leanthony James

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Emo Philips

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

Steven Seagal

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez

"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships."

Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a heavy woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes "divorce" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, while, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert de Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

Finally, one of the all-time best quotes:

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic:

"I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

Globoke misli

ČE BI BOG OBSTAJAL, NA CERKVAH NE BI BILO STRELOVODOV.
IZUMILI SO PARNI STROJ, KER NEPARNEGA NISO MOGLI.
MINERJI, PADALCI IN DEVICE NAREDIJO SAMO ENO NAPAKO.
PRVI SIMPTOM AIDSA JE BOLEČINA V RITI IN VROČA SAPA ZA VRATOM.
KAJENJE SKRAJŠA CIGARETO.
KDOR DELA GREŠI, REČE PETELIN IN ZLEZE Z RACE.
ŽENSKO GIBANJE JE PRAVA STVAR, ŠE POSEBEJ KADAR JE RITMIČNO.
ŽIVI, KOT DA JE VSAK DAN TVOJ ZADNJI. PREJ ALI SLEJ BOŠ IMEL PRAV.
LJUBEZEN JE SLEPA. ZATO SE ZALJUBLJENCI TOLIKO OTIPAVAJO.
V SEKSUALNI REVOLUCIJI SAMO NEDOLŽNI PRELIVAJO KRI.
NEKATERI PIJEJO OD VESELJA, DRUGI OD ŽALOSTI, TRETJI PA OD JUTRA.
KDOR MLAD UMRE, JE DLJE ČASA MRTEV.
VSE REVOLUCIJE SE TRUDIJO PODRETI NEKAJ STAREGA. SAMO V SEKSUALNI REVOLUCIJI JE BISTVO PODRETI KAJ MLADEGA.
MOJA ŽENA NE MORE BITI TAKO GRDA, KOT SEM JAZ LAHKO PIJAN.
INCEST JE DRUŽABNA IGRA ZA CELO DRUZINO.
IDELANA ŽENSKA JE LEPA, BOGATA IN MOJA.
Č E JE SPLAV UMOR, JE DRKANJE GENOCID.

Darwin Awards

There are some good ones this year.

The Darwin Awards are Out!

First Place :

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The embarrassed thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home... with the chain still attached to the machine... with their bumper still attached to the chain... with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman -
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman -
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman -
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted
islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things
have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian
woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman
pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and
South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if
sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy
after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they're satisfied because the English aren't having
any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide,
because the American woman will not shut up and
complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her
skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity
of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores,
how sand and palm trees make her look
fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship
with her mother is the root cause of all her problems,
and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so
they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
godforsaken deserted island in the middle of f*#@ing
nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".

John says: "what is oral?"

Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

A man is dying of cancer. His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?".

Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to screw your mother."

"I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"

Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"

Answer "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"

U banku upada maskirani razbojnik sa revolverom u ruci. Prilazi šalteru.

Ali gospodine, - kaže mu službenica usplahireno, - ovo je banka sperme!

- Odlično, - kaže razbojnik, - donesi spermu!

Službenica se okrene, dohvati nekoliko bočica i pruzi razbojniku.

- Sad to popij! - kaže razbojnik.

- Ali gospodine! - plače službenica - molim vas, nemojte!

- Pij kad ti kažem! - viče pretečim glasom razbojnik i polako pritiska obarač.

Službenica, sta če, kud če, nategne jednu bočicu, ispije do kraja, pa drugu, pa treču...

Razbojnik skida masku sa lica pa kaže:

- Vidiš, Zorice, da možeš.