It’s Not the Weather; Hand me My Leather
Never before had there been leather pants such as these.
The leather was black as the depths of the ocean, as a starless night, as black as original sin itself.
The pants themselves had more dangerous curves than an icy mountain road on Drum Island. Sanji’s perpetually clinking wallet chain rubbed softly against the slightly oily folds that gathered on the hip. The cut of these pants – yes, ‘cut’ was the right term. They tore and rent and mangled coherent thought.
And the material. It absorbed all the light around it, casting noon into shadows and like the dangerous charm of a whirlpool, drew the observer closer and closer…until they fell in.
They were amazing pants, Chopper thought. And he would know. Dr. Kureha had a closet full of them.
Nami was less impressed. "Do not tell me this is what you spent our food money on."
Sanji shrugged. "So are we going?"
"Excuse me," Nami fumed. "But we were waiting for you."
He looked unconcerned and even bored. Nami was furious. "Aren’t you going to apologize?"
"Why?" Sanji shouldered his bag of purchases and started walking.
They followed in his wake silently, not quite sure what to make of the cook’s new attitude. Usopp glanced at Nami out of the corner of his eye. She looked like a volcano about to explode. The fact she hadn’t yet was a testament to how off guard they had all been taken.
Nami thought of something. "Chopper, when we get back to the ship, I want you to give Sanji a check-up. A full physical."
There. Now he would say, "Oh, no, Nami-san, why bother Chopper? I’m sure you can do a much better job." Or some variation thereof.
Sanji shot Nami a death glare over his shoulder.
"He did not just do that," she muttered.
===================
Sanji was in the kitchen planning the next stage of Operation: Bad. He was pretty proud of Operation: Bad, even though it seemed to have given him an eye twitch. Luckily it was his left eye, so no one would notice.
Operation: Bad had begun after hearing all the young ladies at the Wanted Wall. He had slipped away from Chopper and Usopp at the first possible moment and gone back to study the posters – and the reactions they elicited from the young ladies gathered there. After spending an instructive ten minutes listening to whispered conversations, he had determined that:
Sanji was still unclear about the leather pants bit, but he’d bought a pair anyway.
Now he was battling with a guilty conscience. He’d given Nami-san a dirty look and it was driving daggers into his guts. How could he possibly keep this up at dinnertime in front of both her and Robin-chan?
He ground on his cigarette. It was all for love! If Usopp could get a cute girl like their sponsor to fall for him by being a troublemaker, then he, Sanji: Soon To Be The Undisputed Number One Cook in the World and Re-discoverer of All Blue, could get the ladies of the Going Merry Go to fall head over heels for him.
He was trying to figure out the next stage of his operation, when Luffy stomped into the kitchen, flanked by Usopp and Chopper. "What’s wrong with you, Sanji?!"
"What’s wrong with you?" Sanji countered automatically.
"Nami said that the money you spent on those pants will cut into our food budget!"
"You don’t know what a food budget is."
"But it sounds like we will have less food! And that is completely utterly not good!" Luffy cried.
Luffy waited for Sanji to defend himself – though there was no defense against the crime of ‘less food!’ If he were a cruel captain and a less hungry one, he would order Sanji to walk the plank. Of course, the Going Merry Go didn’t have a plank, so Usopp would have to build one. And when they weren’t using it for ‘walking the plank’ they could use it as a diving board! But he would have to wear his floatie. He wondered where he put it….
When Sanji was certain that Luffy had derailed his own thought processes, he asked, "So you want something to eat then?"
"Yeah!" the three chorused and Sanji got to work on making the afternoon’s snack.
Chopper smiled shyly. "Those are really cool pants, Sanji."
"Thanks." They weren’t supposed to attract reindeer, Sanji thought darkly. Where were Robin-chan and Nami-swan? Weren’t they supposed to be in here by now? How long did it take for leather pants to work? Was it because he wasn’t being rude enough? He was afraid that anything worse than dirty looks might kill him.
"Chopper, I bet those pants are made out of your cousins," Usopp said.
"They aren’t!"
"They might be!"
"They aren’t!"
Sanji did not want to deal with the guys when he was in the middle of Operation: Bad. "I’ll call you when it’s ready."
"I’m hungry now! And I want to watch you make it!" Luffy cried.
Sanji’s reply was a boot to the head. Luffy grabbed the cook’s leg, keeping the sole inches from leaving an imprint in his face.
"Go away." Sanji ordered. "Just. Go. Awa-aaahhhh! What the hell are you doing?"
Luffy was stroking his leg. "Whoa. Feels good."
Sanji pulled away from Luffy’s grasp. "Dammit, Gomu! Don’t touch me!"
"That feels awesome. Usopp, feel ‘em! Feel the pants!"
Sanji tried to take a step away and tripped over Chopper who was rubbing his cheek against his calf. "Get away from me, weirdos!"
===============
In the girl’s quarters, a mutter was growing louder.
"…stupidguystryingtoworkwhydotheyhavetobe-"
There was a loud shout and the unmistakable sound of bodies behind booted into the deck.
"So noisy!" Nami blew her bangs out of her face in annoyance and looked over at Robin. The other woman didn’t seemed to be bothered by the racket. In fact, she was smirking. It was mildly worrying. Perhaps it was her book?
"That must be pretty good," Nami commented.
Robin looked up from her book, a bit confused.
"You’ve been smiling for the past fifteen minutes. Are you reading a comedy?"
The woman laughed. "You could say that."