Behind Door Number 1….

(The pirates have finally made it inside the first circle of Hell; known to mere mortals as Ohtori Academy.)

Touga (stepping in front of the rest of the Student Council members): Since I'm the President, I'll address this matter.

Juri (rolls her eyes): Why am I not surprised?

Miki: Spotlight hog.

Saionji: Grandstander.

Touga (whirls around): What is with the insubordination today?  You're all acting highly out of character!

(On cue, Luffy's Pirate Crew fall over laughing.)

Miki (watching the tableaux): I think that means we're in another spamfic.

Saionji (grimly): I think you're right.

Shanks (stepping in front of the rest of the pirates): Since I'm the oldest, I'll take care of this.

Vivi (rolls her eyes): So now you want to be the leader.

Shanks: I can do this.  I say the menacing speech, while a band of heavily armed cutthroats has my back.  I've practiced it many times with my crew. (directs his attention at the Student Council President) You must be the one that Nami was going on about.

Touga (thinks): Nami, Nami, Nami…(pulls out his little black book and flips through it rapidly) I haven't done a Nami.  (he shuts it quickly) I'll have to correct that later. 

Shanks: We want Makino.

Touga (flipping through his little black book again): Makino…Makino… brunette, 9^th grade?

Shanks: Not that young.

Touga: If she's out of high school, that's not my department.  You'd be looking for the Dean.  I'd be happy to offer you up as a sacrifi-(catches himself) show you his office.

Shanks: Please do.  But what about the others?

Touga: They can stay here.

(The Straw Hat Crew watch as Shanks and Touga leave.)

Luffy (kicks at the dirt): Great.  Now what?

Zoro: Why do you care?  He's disillusioned you for the past ten scenes.

Luffy: Yeah, but now I've been abandoned too.  Again!

(On the other side of the invisible line of demarcation, similar, yet not quite like a DMZ between two Asian countries, the Student Council members discuss this new development in Ohtori politics.)

Saionji (laughs viciously): Touga's only weakness.  Can't resist an older man.

Miki (blankly): What's that mean?

Saionji (pats him on the head): Keep living in that Sunlit Garden of yours, Miki.  It's safer there.

Miki (brightly): Okay.

Juri: It's not as perverted as you make it out to be, Saionji.  Touga can't help it; he's searching for a father figure since he was abandoned.

Saionji: And Akio is…

Juri (shrugs): Father figure, f*&k buddy…same difference.

Saionji: You're one warped woman, Miss Treasurer.

(Saionji gets the patented Juri stare of doom.  He breaks eye contact first.)

Juri: That's right.  And don't you forget it.

Saionji (glancing at pirates): Hey.  Wait a second…

===============

(In the Ohtori Science Club Room.  Utena, she-male that she is, drops Sanji's unconscious body onto a steel dissection table.)

Wakaba: Is it safe to leave him alone here?

Utena: We left messages with the appropriate club members.  It's their problem now.

Wakaba: Strange.  Even though he is disgustingly masculine, I find myself strangely…

Utena: Man, his hair is annoying.

Wakaba: I find myself strangely attrac-

Utena: I'll just brush it out of his face and -

Both: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wakaba (huddling in a ball on the other side of the room): PUT IT BACK!  PUT IT BACK!

Utena (flat on her butt on the floor): I can't!  I can't, Wakaba!

Wakaba: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Utena (halfway between hysteria and rage): Where is that monkey-mouse when we need him?

Wakaba: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Utena bravely, though with shaking knees, manages to stand up.  She averts her eyes and prepares to brush Sanji's hair back.)

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Random Quote Analysis:
"Dammit!  Blood all over the keyboard AGAIN!" - The Author

Vivi: …….
Zoro: Unless we're talking liters here, I don't want to hear it.
Vivi:  The author is typing and bleeding?
Zoro:  Shows dedication.  Admirable.
Vivi:  It's admirable that she's bleeding while typing a spam-fic?
Zoro: Hmm. Good point.  Then again, we're assuming that it's her blood…
Vivi (crying out to no one in particular):  I want to leave this spam-fic right now!

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Terms Explained
Yes, about the quote, don't ask.