I don't own One Piece or it's characters; that's the good fortune of Eiichiro Oda.  But the way the words go together - that's all mine.

==============

(After a short ten minute intermission. A small pyramid has been built from wasted beer cans. So has an Eiffel Tower, a 1/10000000 size version of the Great Wall, and an exact replica of the Gugenheim.)
Buggy (to Ben): Show off.
Shanks: We drank all this and we're still conscious! What's wrong with this beer?!

Shanks grinned in the dark. He was separated from his crew and ship but this was the best fun he'd had in a long time.
It sounded like the mob was getting closer.  He just had to get out of town, beyond the road to the cliffs and there his ship would be waiting…
The tip of a cutlass was at his throat.
"Why don't you do me a favor and show me your face?" It was a woman's voice.
He lifted his head, smirking defiantly.  "Why don't you show me yours?"

(Buggy starts to speak.)
Shanks: I don't want to see anything of hers and don't imply otherwise, Clown.
Buggy: I was going to ask why I'm still here in the theatre.
Ben: That's a good point. If I'm following the kangaroo-like jumps in narrative, you and Shanks must have parted ways by now.
Buggy: Does that mean I'm going to make another appearance?
Shanks: I think it means the narrator likes torturing you.

The sword point dropped. She stepped forward into the light of the street lamp.
She hadn't changed much. Her hair was longer and she was older, but then again, he was too.
They stared at each other for what was most likely only a few moments.  He held his breath, wondering what she was going to do. 

Shanks: No I was holding my breath, hoping to die.

"Come on."  She put her hand out and helped him up, then grabbed his arm and ran pell-mell down the street.
" - You were going the wrong way - "
They turned a corner.
" - straight into the mob - "
They ducked into an alley.
" - the water is this way - "
Down into a backroom cellar, upstairs, into a deserted bar, and down more stairs into another cellar, one that was used often.
"Don't you plan anything?"
She shut the door behind them.  She lit the candle that was kept near the door, and then turned to him. Her face was furious.
"You dumb pirate!"
"Pirate captain, actually," Shanks corrected.
She lifted the candle higher, to get a better look at him.  "Same stupid hat, same red hair.  All the same, except for the scars and, ha, you've got peach fuzz!"  She pointed at his chin.
"And you don't.  Good for you."
She grinned. "You're still a jerk, too."
"Big mouth."
"No-brain."

(The three applaud.)
Shanks: Amazing.
Buggy: I agree.
Ben: Perhaps the greatest comedic colloquy since Laurel and Hardy.
Buggy: I meant that I agree with the "jerk" and "no-brain" comments.

He laughed.  "Good to see you, Birdie."
She shook her head, amazed that he was here.  "Come on.  I'm going to have to put you somewhere, so it might as well be the Black Pearl."  There was another set of stairs at the far end of the cellar.  As they walked up them, he could hear people.  Birdie slid open the door and they were awash with noise.  The Black Pearl was a typical rogue's gallery at a crossroads of land and sea.  Bandits rubbed elbows with corsairs.  The walls were decorated with any number of strange things, stuffed animal heads, painted pictures of foreign ports, trinkets and hanging cloths.  Old tools from sea and land trade hung there as well - tridents next to pitchforks and harpoons side by side with scythes.  It was a strange place.

(They laugh.)
Ben: That's not strange.
Shanks (points at Buggy): That's strange.
Buggy: Sez the guy who's drinking buddies with Mihawk.

Glasses clinked, cheers were made, and there were loud, offhand comments made every minute or so.  Some of the things said made even his ears burn.
Birdie pushed her way to the crowded bar and elbowed into a space.  "Whaddaya want?" she asked over her shoulder.
"Anything. Straight."

Buggy: That's not what I -
Ben and Shanks: Shut up.

She vaulted over the bar and stared at the bottles.  "Hmm…Let's do whiskey then."
A man with an eye patch nodded at Shanks, while Birdie poured the drinks.  "Pearl's waitress quit today.  She's been busy in the kitchen.  Sometimes no one is out here watching the taps or the bottles.  But we wouldn't take advantage of Pearl, oh no."

Shanks: Where in the world would a person give information like that to a complete stranger as soon as he approached?
Ben: An RPG.
Shanks: Ah.
Buggy: We'll know for sure if that's the only thing he can say.

"Why not?" Shanks asked.
The old man winked with his one good eye. "Because her sister would hang out our guts to dry then use them as twine for nets. Birdie is a good theft deterrent."

Shanks: Sounds like Mak once every month.
Ben: Remember that time when she set Lucky Roo on fire?
Shanks: How could I forget?
Buggy: You have this Mak's number? Cabaji's been looking for a woman and she sounds right up his alley.

There was a flurry of activity in the kitchen. Pots crashed and plates shattered. Birdie winced as she passed him his drink. "Pearl's in a mood. Do you remember her? I'm sure she'll remember you."
"She was small, blonde, a cute kid, a bit prissy, if I remember right. This is Pearl's place?"  He looked around.  "It's not as…formal as I thought it would be."
Birdie smirked. "The blonde part is the same." She walked to the end of the bar and leaned into the kitchen. More pots were banged, but then it went quiet.
A cloud of flour erupted from the kitchen door, like the belch of a dragon. A large woman appeared, blocking all the light and heat from the kitchen. She had definitely been eating her own cooking. The woman gazed over the bar until her eyes landed on him.
"Shanks!" The woman rumbled, as she strode over to him.  "I never thought I'd see this bastard again!" She reached across the bar and enveloped him in her thick doughy arms.  He couldn't breathe. "Good to see you, Shanks!"

Buggy: THAT FLASHY AUTHOR! HOW DARE SHE DO THIS TO ALVIDA!
Shanks: It's not -
Buggy: WRITING A FIC ABOUT HER PRE-"SUBE SUBE NO MI" IS FLASHILY UNACCEPTABLE!
Shanks: Buggy -
Buggy: REVENGE WILL BE MINE!
Shanks: But -
Ben: Let it go.
Buggy: OH YES! IT WILL BE MINE!
Shanks: But -
Ben: He's planning to commit violence against the author. That's only a good thing.

"No, no, Pearl.  It's Captain now."
He struggled vainly to get out of the floury trap.
"I think you're suffocating him, Pearl."
The clasp of death was released and he could breathe again.  He stifled his choking by downing his whiskey shot.  Birdie obligingly filled it up again.
"When did you start this?" Shanks asked Pearl, indicating the bar with his shot glass.
"Oh, a few years ago."
"How can you run this?  You can't be more than - "
Pearl glared at him. "I don't tell my age and no one asks."

Buggy (nods): Yup. Mouji tried asking Alvida that once. He woke up a week later.

He nodded.  "But what happened to the 'prissy princess'?"
Birdie swigged her shot and poured herself another.  "Dad liked to gamble and he was taken advantage of.  He bet it all and lost it all.  The shock killed him. Pearl and I have been making our way in the world ever since."

(Buggy pays close attention to the newest information on his Straw Hat Captain stalker in crime, Alvida nee Pearl.)
Buggy: I'm so glad I'm here to learn this! Alvida never talks about her youth. I had a feeling it was traumatic. I just never knew HOW traumatic.
(Shanks rolls his eyes.)
Shanks: Bennnnn…
Ben: Leave him his delusions.

Shanks didn't hear an ounce of self-pity in her voice.  For someone who had lost everything, she seemed very happy.

Ben: Insanity sometimes looks like happiness.

Pearl smiled. That hadn't changed.

Buggy: That's right. She has a gorgeous smile.
Shanks: Buggy. The Mary Sue's sister's name is "Pearl." Not Alvida. That person in Alvida's first body, wearing a bad blonde wig, is NOT Alvida.
Buggy: Blahblahblah. What do you know, Shanks?
Shanks: I know that -  ISN'T ALVIDA, YOU STUPID RED-NOSED MORON!
Buggy: DIE YOU FLASHY BASTARD!
(And so begins the Battle of the Stale Popcorn!)

"I stick to the bar nowadays.  No one can put me out of business, not with my food."
"And you?" Shanks asked Birdie.
"I like hunting," she said enigmatically.  Pearl rolled her eyes.

(Shanks and Buggy scramble for refreshment arsenals and take up positions behind theatre seats.)

"She's gone months at a time hunting for sea beasties, pretending like she's going to the market when anytime she could be eaten in one bite, and I would never know, but does she even consider the feelings of her younger sister, of course not - "
"It's going to go like this forever," Birdie explained.
He nodded absentmindedly as he sipped his whiskey.  He admired her necklace.

(Ben, being the mature or just severely bored pirate that he is, continues the MSTing.)
Ben: Conjunctions are nice, author. Feel free to use them. Whenever you like. No rush or anything.

Birdie caught him staring.  "What are you looking at?" she asked.
"The necklace.  Not much else in that region to stare at," he retorted.
She smiled, as she dumped a mug of beer over his head.

Shanks (from behind the chairs): Okay. The ammunition outlawed by the MST:OP Treaty includes hard candy.
Buggy: All I need is popcorn to destroy you, Red.
Shanks: DIE!
(Ben dodges the misfired popcorn with snake-like reflexes and continues the commentary.)
Ben: Beer shower. Shanks' favorite.

"Just like old times," Pearl proclaimed, as she wrapped her arms around them.  The two of them twisted and struggled in her iron grip then gasped loudly,

Ben: If Shanks were paying attention, he would say something sick right now.

when she finally let them go and went to answer the desperate pleas of her parched customers.
"So we have to get you to your ship," Birdie began, as she passed him a handcloth.  "It's out beyond the harbor, to the left of the cliffs, near the river mouth, right?"

Ben: "No. Beyond the harbor to the left of the cliffs, on the jagged coral behind the barn.  Duh."

He choked on his whiskey.  "How'd you know that?"
"Anything that happens in the water is related back to Pearl, and then to me.  Pearl knew about pirates landing this morning and she told me this afternoon when I got back from the harbor. We didn't know it was you. You're lucky I came back today, of all days."  She stared at her glass thoughtfully.  "I don't think that we should try anything tonight.

Ben: I don't think you should try anything. At all. EVER.

That mob is probably roaming the streets as we speak. By the way, you're running because of this?"  She held up his bag from behind the counter.
"Hey!"  He hadn't realized that it wasn't at his feet anymore.

(Buggy stops his popcorn barrage to hear more "Alvida" backstory. Shanks takes advantage of the lull to mix redhots and Lemonheads into his popcorn arsenal.)
Ben: Good thing Nami isn't here. She'd be pissed that her skills were stolen again.

"Thought so.  Hope it's worth your neck is all I have to say."  She handed it back to him.
A man dashed up to the bar.  "Birdie!  Quick!  How much for this?"  The man held up a ruby that cast blood red light onto his face.
"It's glass. It's not worth shit," she said in disgust.

(Buggy, being the unfair fighter that he is, has already filled his popcorn full of Whoppers.)
Ben: The unnecessary language again!
Shanks: Mary Sue is trying to sound tough.
Buggy: Like someone else I know!
(The Battle of the Stale Popcorn (now with more painful hard candy) resumes!)

"But I have more!  Much more!  Please, tell me they're worth something!" The man was hysterical. She rolled her eyes and excused herself.  "Gotta appraise for this fool," she muttered.  "Be back in a moment."  She disappeared with the man.

Ben: This reads more and more like an RPG every minute. (adopts gamer voice)  "I would like all my points put into the "Craptacular Fic Writing" skills suite, please."
(Buggy and Shanks nurse their wounds.)
Shanks: You cheat!
Buggy: Look who's talking!

Pearl returned and nodded at her sister's back, as she disappeared up the stairs with the man called Flop.  "Birdie's got the gift, ya know. 

Ben: She has The Gift.
Shanks: I can see…Katie Holmes…NAKED!
Buggy: Shut up you two! I'm trying to learn important back story here!

She can size up how much a stone is worth in a glance.  Inherited my dad's gift for that.  It's handy for her in her business. You'd be surprised what she ends up finding in those beasties of hers. She's come home with more than just her bounty fee. Strange what those rotten creatures think look tasty."
"She gets treasure like that?" Shanks asked.
"Birdie gets whatever she wants," Pearl said enigmatically. 

Buggy: Better watch out, Mary Sue-d Shanks.  Could be one of those fics.

"Speaking of getting what you want, what's in the bag?"
"My earnings," Shanks said proudly.  "I won them in a card game."
Pearl's eyes narrowed.  "Oh yeah?  Against who?"
"Guy who runs the casino on the other side of town…Doc - "
Pearl laughed and slapped him on the shoulder.  He almost fell off the barstool.  "Shanks, you're the best!  Wait til I tell Birdie!  Doc; he was the one who ruined my father.  Never could prove that my dad was cheated, but there were always rumors.  So you got the best of that lyin' son of a bitch?"

Buggy (pausing long enough to say): Alvida. Your language!

"He didn't realize I'd been beaten by better cardsharks than him. I even managed to win without cheating," Shanks added.
Pearl laughed again.  "That is great news!  God, Shanks, you don't know what this is going to mean to Birdie!  All her life she's wanted to…she's had so many chances to…well, she made a promise to herself never to kill Doc, for the damn simple reason that it would be so easy for her to do it."
Shanks nodded.  "I think I understand."

Shanks (pausing long enough to say): She's a homicidal maniac and she wants to be my friend. Yup. Totally understand.

"I think you do." Pearl sighed.  "She jumped off that ship for me, you know?  She would have stayed forever, but she wasn't going to bring me along with her. She knew it wasn't the right life for me. Then my father died and," she shrugged, "it was never the right time for her to return to the sea, not like that."

Buggy (pausing long enough to say): Poor Alvida… poor Alvida's sister.

Pearl straightened up.  "Sorry there, Shanks.  Getting a bit melancholy!  You're bringing back the old memories!"  The tavern owner disappeared into the kitchen and Shanks busied himself with borrowing a bit of rope that was always lying around bars that catered to people like him.  He secured his gains to his wrist and let a little bit of play in the rope so that he could move easily. 

Buggy: You seem to know a lot about ropes there, Shanks!
(Shank's reply is a lot of well-thrown popcorn.)

The old man next to him cleared his throat.  "You were looking at Birdie's necklace.  It was from her father.  He gave it to her in recompense for losing the twin pearls, Shinju's Daughters. You're a pirate so I know you've heard of those beauties. He had always promised his daughters that he would give them the pearls - the white one to Birdie and the black one to Pearl.  Then they would always have their 'sister' with them. Stupid old fool lost them forever…"  The old man looked into his cup.  "I'll give you fair warning: only thing Birdie prizes more than that necklace is her sister."

(Shanks and Buggy take a breather.)
Ben: This RPG is pretty high quality.
Shanks: Maybe the old guy is the adventure hook.
Buggy: I say "Watch out for an EXP building side-quest."
Shanks: Oh! Do you think fake Shanks will get a chocobo?

"I wouldn't steal from Birdie," Shanks said as he worked at the knot. He didn't want it to fall off in mid-dash.
The old man laughed into his rum.  "That's good, because they say" - he leaned over to Shanks conspiratorially - "that the last man who tried to take it she used as bait for the man-eating three-headed shark over by Wake's Bay."
"Really?" Shanks asked, playing along.
"You heard Pearl.  Birdie gets whatever she wants.  If she wants you dead, she'll get her way." 

Shanks: And Birdie hits a brand new level on the Impurity Test.
Ben: (tics the box) 20 points for necrophilia.

The old man laughed loudly. "Stories like that, whether true or not, keep the people in this bar in line. Makes Pearl's life easier at least. Ha, I'm the only one in this bar who isn't afraid of the Blackbird." Then he peered at Shanks with his one good eye. "And you aren't either, are you?"
Shanks didn't have a chance to say anything because Birdie returned at that moment. 
"Hope you aren't telling tales, Silas," Birdie joked.

Ben (rolling his eyes): Lemme guess. Last name of "Mariner."
Shanks: I don't get it.
Buggy: Me neither.

"Would never do that, Miss Birdie," the old mariner replied, chuckling into his glass.
She poured Shanks another shot of whiskey and then one for herself.  "Y'know," she began.  "I can't ever call you captain."
"Why's that?"
"Because I knew you when you were getting whipped by Buggy!"

(Ben racks his shotgun and aims it at Buggy's hiding spot.)
Buggy: BARA BARA ESCAPE!
(Buggy parts fly across the room, making it difficult for Ben to focus on a single target.)
Shanks: You never believed the doujin; don't believe the Mary Sue, Ben.

He smiled.  "That's not true, liar."
She smirked playfully.  "Oh right, you were getting whipped by me!"

(Ben racks his shotgun. He waits.)
Ben: Well?
Shanks: I'm not gonna stop you from killing the Mary Sue.

"You have a selective memory.  I think I was the one - "
Wood splintered and the door exploded inwards.
The rogues in the bar were on their feet, weapons drawn.  Two burly men, what could only be bodyguards, came through the smoke first, swords drawn.  A small wiry old man followed them.  He was dressed in fine clothes, but he was not happy.  In the shadows behind him, other lackeys lurked.  Shanks had intimate knowledge with these men

(Ben raises an accusing eyebrow.)

- they were the ones he had been running from.

Shanks: See?

"Go about your meals, my friendly townspeople.  We're just here for one person.  We'll ignore what's going on in this establishment if we can get information on - "
The old man pointed directly at Shanks and one of the men aimed his pistol at his head.  "Never mind. We found him. We'll be going now."
"What did you do to my door?" Pearl roared.
"I have the constable, Miss Pearl." He motioned to one of the brigands next to him. 
"More like bandit…" someone muttered.

Shanks: Dood, I hate bandits.
Ben: I don't think the bad guy could get any more cliched.
Buggy: Only if we were in the Old West. And there was someone named Kidd.

"Recently deputized," Doc added quickly.  "We turn a blind eye to the activities in this establishment, but today you will give up your patron to me.  He has something that is mine."
"No, I won it. Fair and square in a card game. More fair than he was playing." Shanks added.
"A pirate?  Playing fair? Will you listen to this liar? No one believes that," Doc said in disgust.
Someone in the crowd said, "Was it the card up the sleeve trick? Typical Doc."
Shanks tried to figure the odds. 

Buggy: ...But he wasn't very good at math.

Other than the pistol that was pointed at his head, there were only close quarter cutlasses and daggers for this fight. Would anyone assist him?  Doc didn't seem to be very popular here, but who was going to fight for a stranger?

Buggy: I wouldn't have.
Shanks: No one ASKED you.

Birdie stepped forward and Doc, without realizing it, took a step back.
"Miss 'Birdie' Black, I didn't realize you were back," the gambler said obsequiously.
"Landed today, Doc."
"How are you, my fine girl?" The old man had recovered from his fright and was mocking her.
"Could be better, Doc.  You ruined my sister's door and you're pointing a pistol at my friend's head."
"Step aside. We're going to take the pirate. No need to fight for him."
Birdie's answer was the slow slick sound of a sword being pulled from its sheath.

Ben: If that isn't a metaphor, I don't know what is.
Shanks: WARNING!  DOUJIN LEAK INTO THE OP UNIVERSE!
Ben: Buggy, you can come down from the rafters now.
Buggy: No, no. I'm fine up here.

Doc's manner changed abruptly.  "So it's like that, is it?  Well, we can make room for another prisoner - a 'blackbird' in a cage.  And it won't be for anything, because that thief will be dead before you can get any closer."  The old man laughed.  "If you're lucky, that pearl of yours may pay your bail!"
The bar was silent. Silas chuckled quietly and his laughter got louder.  Finally, he was roaring with malicious glee. "Oh, lordy, Doc," the old man said, wiping the tears from his eye.  "Did you say the wrong thing!"
There was a resounding gong. 

Buggy: That HURT, Shanks!
(Shanks whistles innocently.)

"Whoops."  Pearl was standing next to the unconscious body of the 'deputy' who had been holding the pistol. There was a frying pan in her hand.  "How did that happen?" she wondered innocently.

Buggy: THERE! THERE! TOTAL PROOF THAT THIS PEARL PERSON IS ALVIDA!

Birdie raised her cutlass and pointed it at Doc.  The pirates, the thieves and bandits charged as the law rushed forward.
Bottles were broken, chairs smashed, candles flickered, and men screamed.  Something was on fire in the kitchen. Shanks was hard-pressed, but he used the bag as a shield.  He caught a deputy in the throat and sliced open a jugular.  He stepped back as the man fell forward.  Doc was right in front of him, aiming a pistol at him…
Three pointed tines erupted from the man's chest.  Doc's shot went into the ceiling.  The gambler's mouth gaped like a fish and he fell to the floor, dead before he hit the wood. 
The trident's handle was still quivering from the force of the thrust.

Ben: Are we sure Birdie isn't a man in women's clothing?
Shanks: Maybe it's Bon Clay.
Buggy: No, he's a woman in a man's body.
Shanks: Miss Monday?
Buggy: There you go.

Birdie stood there, with her sword in her left hand, staring at the body of the man who had ruined her father. 
The death of their leader quelled the 'constable's' initiative and the rogues of the Black Pearl began to drive them out of the bar.  Bodies and blood and broken things were the only items left with Shanks, Birdie, and Pearl.
Birdie shook her head angrily.  "Damn it.  I didn't want to do that."

Ben: Do what? Be party to a massacre?
Buggy: No biggie.

"No choice, Birdie," Pearl said.  "It's not your fault."
"There's always a choice," she said with disgust.  "Dammit!  I make it a point to hunt animals!  Not people!"

Buggy: Just say you're sorry.
Shanks: You'll feel better, Miss Mary Sue.
Ben: Remember? It worked before.

Her rage passed. She turned to Shanks.  "Come on then.  No point in waiting now.  Give me a moment and we'll go to your ship now."

Buggy: "Give me a moment coz I'm gonna tip off the bandits. Now that Doc is gone, I can kill you and take your stuff."
Shanks: She wouldn't do that. She likes me.
Buggy: Just because someone likes you, doesn't mean they won't stab you in the back.
Ben: You never had a lot of friends, did you, Buggy?

They were running again, through a wooded path that ran along the cliff.  They'd lost the remainder of Doc's gang somewhere back in the town.
Or so they thought.  He saw the glitter in the dawn's weak light and bore her to the ground as the knife flashed through the air where her head had been. 

(Buggy and Ben give Shanks accusing glares.)
Shanks: It was Mary Sue-d Shanks! I would never save a woman's life! I swear!

They were on their feet again, running faster now.

(Buggy hums 'Chariots of Fire.')

"There!  Straight ahead!  Down the cliff path!  There's a rowboat at the bottom and we can get to your ship!"
The immediate problem was that there were ten men blocking the way to the path.  The cliff face was on one side and the woods were on the other.  Shanks could see his ship.  It was so close!
Birdie grabbed his hand and accelerated.  They were running straight towards the drawn swords.  "Shortcut, Shanks!  Jump!"  She made an abrupt turn and launched herself off the cliff, doing a perfect swan dive the rest of the way down.  Shanks ran off, one hand on his head to keep his hat secure and one hand wrapped around his newly won wealth.

Buggy: Like Thelma and Louise.
Ben: Like Butch and the Kid.
Shanks: Like Anne Heche and Harrison Ford.
(Ben and Buggy look at Shanks.)
Shanks: What?

He hit the water and the water hit back. 

Shanks: The ocean's beating me up.
Ben: I think it won.
Buggy: Falling into the sea is like slipping into the warm but deadly embrace of a jealous lover.
(Shanks and Ben just look at him.)
Buggy: Well, it is.

He felt himself going under further and further.  The money was weighing him down and that stupid rope was keeping it tied to him.  He always wanted to die a rich man, but not like this…
Birdie had him by the back of his shirt and was pulling him up to the surface.  His head broke the water and he saw the rowboat moored in the middle of the lagoon.  Beyond that was the welcome sight of his ship.
"You could have let the hat go," she coughed.
"Not on your life," he sputtered.
The air tore in two as cannons boomed.  Above them, the cliff face split and men screamed.  His crew had seen them!

Ben: Red-head and Co. being chased by an angry mob? How could we have missed it.
Shanks: I have Roo keep an eye out just for those special circumstances.

Birdie pulled herself into the rowboat and helped him get the treasure in.  Then she took the oars and with swift strong strokes brought him closer to home.
He caught his breath and looked around.  They were alone on the water and the sun was rising.  It was going to be a beautiful day.  He watched her row for a moment then asked, "Blackbird, huh?"
"That's what I've been called," she said.  "People think it is clever."
"Good pirate name."
She laughed.  "I'm not a pirate, Shanks."

Buggy: I know. Or you would have killed him and taken his treasure ages ago!
Shanks: Not all pirates stab people in the back.
Ben: Some of us go for days at a time without betraying our friends.
Buggy: Oh what do you two know about pirating anyway?
(Ben raises his eyebrow.)
Shanks (sighing): Not a thing.
Buggy: Yeah. That's what I thought.

"Dunno," he said, as he cut the rope that bound the bag to his wrist.  "Seemed like those guys in the bar followed you pretty well."
"They were afraid that my sis wouldn't let them eat there again if they didn't.  That's a fate worse than death for some people."
"They weren't fighting for food," he said.  "Speaking of, your fighting has improved."
"Miss Dweezil's Primer School. I tell you, little girls can be mean."
"They don't teach people to throw tridents or use swords at finishing school," he countered.  "It all adds up to pirate. Pirate Birdie 'Blackbird' Black."

Shanks: That's so lame.

She stuck out her tongue.  "Sounds as dumb as Red-Haired Shanks." 

(Ben and Buggy laugh. Shanks glares.)

She shook her head.  "Anyway, there are only two levels of pirating, right?  You're either crew or captain.  Being crew is a type of cage."
"What's wrong with captain?"
She groaned.  "Responsibility.  Ugh.  And look who they're allowing to be captain these days.  Sea's going to hell in a hand basket." She took a hand off an oar and gestured around them.  "A boat this size is big enough for me.  Then I can be my own crew and my own captain."
His crew…

Ben: I.e. ME.
Shanks: Nope. Mary Sue-d Shanks was thinking of how much Yassop owes him.

The pirates erupted into cheers as they neared.  "We knew it was you," someone cried.  "Only you would be crazy enough to jump off that cliff!"  As the rowboat neared, a rope was lowered.  Shanks sent the bag up first.
"You know, you never did tell me your real name."
She shrugged.  "Whatever it might have been, it's Birdie now."
He smiled.  "Have it your way then."  The rope dangled by his hand.  "If you ever change your mind, you always have a place on my ship," he said.

Shanks: "And that place is underneath it, tied to the keel, where the barnacles will flay you alive or you will drown - whichever comes first."
Ben: That's a bit dark.
Shanks: Just a bit?
Buggy: Try harder next time.

Then he took the rope and was pulled up and onto to his ship.  He loved that phrase: his ship.  His men cheered and congratulated him, swearing that they were never a bit worried about him.  He laughed.  He loved this life.

Buggy (as Shanks): "I feel pretty - oh, so pretty!"
Shanks (glaring at the clown): Ben, will you shoot out the support beam to the roof?
Ben: You want it to collapse and bury us?
Shanks: Oh! bonus!

Then he walked to the rail and looked down.  One of his crew called to Birdie.  "You coming aboard, miss?"

(Ben turns scarlet with the anger.)
Ben: Never. In. A. Million. Years.

She shook her head.  "Not today."
Ben, his First Mate, was at his side.  "Captain, we think the Marines may be in close water…"
"Right then.  Time to set sail, men."
Cries of 'anchors away' filled the air.  When Shanks looked back, Birdie was already rowing toward shore.  "Good luck!" she cried.
Shanks cupped his hands

Buggy: Around what?
Shanks: Shut up.

and cried, "Birdie Black, you're a pirate at heart!"He laughed as she threw down her oars in mock anger and cried, "Are not!"
"Are too!" he bellowed over the flapping sails.
"Are not!"  She was getting smaller but he could still hear her laughing.

Shanks: Are not!
Buggy: Are too!
Shanks: Are not!
Buggy: Are too!
Shanks: Are too!
Buggy: Are not! (pause) DOH!

Ben was at his side again.  "We could send someone to get her.  We're not too far away yet."
Shanks laughed and turned away from the shore to face the open ocean.  "I don't want her anywhere near this ship!  She'd have mutiny against me in a day and I'd be out of a job.  Anyway, you heard her, she's not a pirate."
"Whatever you say, Captain," Ben said, as Shanks walked away.

Ben: That is OOC! I would never, ever, ever suggest having a woman brought onto the ship.
Buggy: Yeah, you don't like to share, do ya?
Shanks: If we're sailing away, does that mean we're done with this long and pointless flashback?
Buggy: By the goddess of treasure, I pray it is so.

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