I don't own One Piece or it's characters; that's the good fortune of Eiichiro Oda.  But the way the words go together - that's all mine.

==============

"Make her stop wailing," one of the crew said, as he rattled the cage with his saber.

Ben: I can't. I've tried. (looks pointedly at Shanks.)
Shanks: I'm not wailing.
Ben: Not now.
Shanks: It wasn't wailing. It railing - against the cruel fates and the sadistic narrator who put us here. I need another beer.
Ben: Me too.

Shanks watched him torment their new captives; two girls pulled from a rowboat that had been drifting in the current.  The oldest, the brunette, was a few years younger than him and the youngest, the blonde one, was about seven.  Their clothes were fancy and it was obvious that they were going to yield a nice bit of ransom money.

Ben: "But then the ship was blown off course and the pirates had no food or water so they had to eat their captives. The Mary Sue was especially tasty."
Shanks: "The End." (grins) That was dark, Ben.  I liked it.
Ben (shrugs): I try.

The oldest girl glared at the pirate.  "My sister wants water and food.  Not rum, or beer, or anything else.  Not your horrible hardtack or wormy food.  Give her good food and water and she'll stop crying."

Buggy: I don't remember the food being that bad.
(Ben and Shanks are speechless at the sudden arrival of the newest MST:OP victim.)
Buggy: Yo. Beckman. Beer me.
Shanks: When did you get here?
Buggy: Now.

"How about we give you whatever we want?"  Buggy was in on the game now.  He leaned down and laughed in the girl's face.

Shanks (smirking): Ah. A girl. A cage. Love is in the air. You were always so smooth, Buggy.
(Buggy grumbles and starts drinking to numb the pain.)

Her hand snaked out and grasped his nose.  She pulled his face against the bars and squeezed.  Buggy yelped and squirmed, but she wouldn't let go.  "The next time you put your ugly red nose anywhere near me, I'll bite it off.  Understand?"

Buggy (raging): Did she call my nose ugly and red?!!!
Shanks: Yup.
Buggy: Oh. Just checking.
Ben (passing a beer to Buggy): I thought little kids liked clowns.
Buggy (rolling his eyes): Flashy comic relief to be abused by the Mary Sue. What a life.
Shanks: Who else is it going to be?  I can't be comic relief.  At some point I'm going to be getting it on with the Mary Sue.
(Ben and Buggy blanch.)
Ben: Erm. She's about ten at the moment.
Shanks (taps his temple knowingly): Think outside the cage, Ben. Fiery young lass, pirate apprentice. Where do you think that set up is going?
Buggy (shudders): I don't care. I want off before it gets there.

She pushed him away and he fell onto the deck, to the delighted roar of the crew.  "I'll - I'll - " stammered Buggy.  He stood up and loomed over their cramped cage, but he was careful to stay away from the bars.
"What will you do?" the girl mocked.  "I'm in here!  I'm safe from you!  Unless you open the cage, you can't do anything to me!"
Her younger sister wailed louder.  "See what you did!" she cried at the pirates.  "Pearl, it's my fault we're in this mess, but no matter what I am going to protect you."  She hugged her sister tightly and patted her head gently.

Ben (reviewing the description): The author forgot to mention that Mary Sue has more than two arms.

"No it's not!  It's their fault!"  Pearl was hysterical.  She screamed at the pirates surrounding them. "And when my daddy finds out, then you're going to be in trouble!  He's a famous man and he can lick all of you!"

Shanks: Doujin leak! Doujin leak!
Ben: I think that was meant to be dialect.
Buggy: Dunno. Sounds dodgy to me.

The pirates laughed raucously.  Two heavy steps sounded on the deck and the crew went quiet.  They parted for the captain.
"Oh yes?  And who's your daddy, little girl?" the captain asked.

(The three of pirates shudder.)
Shanks: Dialect, Ben?
Ben: I stand corrected.

Pearl broke away from her sister's arms.  "My daddy is Shinju Black!  He's the greatest pearl diver in the world!  He's famous and rich and he's fought worse monsters than you!"

Shanks (as captain): But has he ever faced the dreaded…. MARY SUE?!

"You're his girls then?" the captain asked, as he stroked his chin. 

Buggy (agog): I don't remember the captain being a pedophile.
Ben: Is there something you two want to tell me? About childhood trauma and a particularly sick employer?
Shanks: He wasn't like that. He was very nice when he wasn't beating us. Honest.

"How fortunate for us.  Your father lost a very famous treasure that he named after you two - the twin pearls called Shinju's Daughters.  I believe you both will yield more money than those hard pieces of oyster spit ever would have."  He peered into the cage to get a better look at the older sister.  "Your sibling is the White Pearl because of her blonde hair?  So you must be the Black Pearl."
She stuck her tongue out.  "I'm a bird in a cage.  We don't have names."

Buggy (as the captain): Admit it. Your name is Mary Sue! And you were the one who poisoned the homesteaders' water supply so that they'd have to give into the demands of the flashy oil baron!
Ben (as townspeople): Gasp!
Shanks (in falsetto): No! You're wrong!

The captain laughed.  "Your daddy is probably glad to get rid of you for awhile." 

All: We would be.

With that, he walked off.  The other pirates also broke away from their entertainment and attended to their duties on the ship.  Only he and Buggy were left.
Shanks sauntered up to the cage.  The little one was still crying, but the oldest one was glaring at him.  He stayed an appropriate distance from the bars.
"I'm Shanks.  What's your name?"

Buggy (laughing): Flashy pick-up line there, Shanks.
Shanks (hiking his thumb at Ben): It worked with him, didn't it?
Ben: Shut up.

The girl crossed her arms angrily.  "Give my sister and I some water to drink and I'll tell you."
Shanks shrugged and walked off.  Buggy stayed long enough to make a face at her, then he too walked away.

Shanks: 'Make a face?'
Buggy: Are you talking about my face, Red?
Ben: Settle down you two. We have a long dark road ahead of us and we need to work together as a team…
Shanks (smirking): …make a face…

An hour or two later, she felt something tap her shoulder.  She jumped at the touch.  It was that boy with the red hair.

Ben: Anyone get whiplash from that sudden change of perspective?
Buggy (raising hand): Me.
Shanks: Me too.

"I only have enough water for one of you."  He held out a cup. 
She took it suspiciously, then woke up her sister.  "Here, Pearl."  Her sister drank it greedily.

Shanks: Suspiciously? Greedily?
Ben: There should be laws against adverb/adjective abuse.
(Ben and Shanks turn and look at Buggy.)
Buggy: What?

"So what's your name?" he asked.
"I said if you gave us both water."
"All I have is this."  He gave her his bottle and she took a swig.  Then she sputtered and choked. 

Buggy: Just like this story.
Everyone: The End.

He laughed as she wiped her mouth and made a face. "You drink that?" she asked.
"Your dress is messed up now," he pointed out.
"So? I don't like it anyway."  She glared at the mouth of the bottle, gathered her resolve and took another sip.  She didn't choke this time and passed his bottle back.  "You only went halfsies with me, so I'll only go halfsies with you.  I'll give you a name - my name is Birdie."
He laughed.  "At least you still have a sense of humor."
There was a cry from the crow's nest.  "Ship!  Starboard!"

Buggy: How much you want to bet the author doesn't know port from starboard?
Ben: Let's find out.
Shanks: Well?
Narrator: I'm SURE I looked it up in the dictionary before I wrote it down.
Ben: Pick a direction. You have a 25% chance of getting it right.
Narrator: Stop making fun of me.

"What colors are they flying?" the captain roared.

Buggy (as pirate): All of them, cap'n!
Shanks (as captain): Damn! It's Bon Clay!

"They aren't - it isn't - they're putting them up now!  It's the Riley Pirates, captain!"
The ship was gaining on them. The cannons were silent; this was personal, between pirates, and had to be dealt with one on one, man to man.  Shanks and Buggy went to the bow and waited with the others.
Then the air was thick with swords and screams and the deck was slick with blood.  Shanks found himself fighting two men at once.  He didn't have time to think about the odds - he was too busy ducking and blocking and slashing…

Buggy: Too easy.
Ben: Not even worth the effort.
(Shanks mutters something into his beer about doujinka.)

One of the pirates fell at his feet.  He looked up and saw where he was.  He was fighting next to the cage that held Shinju's daughters.
Birdie had stuck her arm out of the bars and tripped the other pirate.
"Behind you!" she screamed.  Shanks ducked, then stabbed the man in the gut.  Pearl was screaming and curled in a ball in the corner of the cage, but Birdie was at the bars, crying, "Let me out!"  Shanks hit the lock with his still bloody sword and it shattered. 

Buggy: Yeah right.
Shanks: What do you mean, 'yeah right'?
Buggy: No way you could have done that.
Shanks: How would you know?
Buggy: Because I was there, moron. You weren't that strong then.
Ben: Maybe he was saving his abnormal strength to impress the Mary Sue.
(Shanks grumbles and starts on another beer.)

Birdie pushed her way out, tearing her dress.  She kicked off her shoes then picked up the pistol of the man she'd tripped.  She fumbled with the trigger while the pirate pulled himself to his feet.
"Birdie!" Shanks cried.
Her finger slipped and she the shot the man in the face.  He screamed and fell over the side of the boat.
Birdie froze.  "I'm sorry," she said to no one in particular.

Buggy: Boohoohoo. The Mary Sue had to kill someone and now her conscience hurts.
Shanks: But that silly ole conscience won't stop her from gutting every pirate from here to the Grandline!
Buggy: Of course not! Saying sorry to no one in particular is almost as good as drinking a bucket of flashy holy water.
Ben: Remember, kids. Saying "I'm sorry" means you don't have to pay for your crimes.
Shanks: Betcha Gold Roger wished he'd thought of that.

More of the Riley dogs were coming their way.  "Fight or get back in the cage where it is safe!" Shanks cried.
Birdie wiped her tears and grabbed a dropped knife.  She held it wrong and anyone could have disarmed her given half a second, but since no one was expecting to be stabbed in the back of the knees, they didn't.
Shanks was separated from her in the melee and hoped that she would be all right.

Shanks: Liar! I should sue you for libel! I would never hope for the safety of a Mary Sue!

Finally, their rivals were finished off.  There was a low cheer and the pirates began the inevitable clean up.  Dead men were pitched overboard, but only after they had been stripped of anything valuable.  Slowly, the pirates began to joke, then to laugh, as the scare wore off.
Shanks found Birdie sitting next to the cage.  One hand was pushed through the bars and was resting on her sleeping sister's head.  The other hand held the bloody dirk.
He was relieved.  "You're alive."

Buggy: Helloooo, Cap'n Obvious.
Ben: Young Shanks must not realize the nigh-indestructible powers of a larval Mary Sue.
Buggy: Yeah, she has to make it to maturity so she can …
Ben: "Think outside the cage?"
Buggy: Do something outside the cage.
Ben: Maybe inside the cage.
Shanks (glumly): Go ahead. Mock my pain. I'll just sit in the corner and drink. More.

She nodded listlessly.
"And you helped us."
She nodded again, but did not look at him.  "Because if it was the choice between them or you, I'd choose this ship first."

Buggy: She'd rather stay on the Love Boat with Shanks.
Shanks: You're just jealous that no one Mary Sues you.
Buggy: You figured me out. I wish I could be the star of such a badly written piece of garbage like you.
(Ben tries not to laugh.)
Shanks: I hate you both.

"But how did you learn how to fight like that?" he asked.
The light came back in her eyes, at last.  She smirked.  "Miss Dweezil's Primer School."

Ben: Where was her Primer School?  South Central?
Shanks: Compton.
Buggy: No diggety, no doubt.

"Oh."  He didn't know what that was.  Shanks pointed at the cage.  "The lock's broken."
Birdie glared and held up the knife.  "You aren't putting me back in there."
He smiled and she, for the first time, gave a real smile back.  "Let's talk to the captain!  I don't think he'll make you get back in there ever again."

Buggy: I'm not touching that.
Ben: Me neither.
Shanks: Urgh.

They gave her a cotton shirt two sizes too big and put a red scarf on her head.    They'd also cut up some pants and turned them into shorts for her.  They sagged at the waist and she had tied a bit of rope around them to keep them up.  She proudly wore the dirk, the one taken in the fight, at her hip.
Shanks laughed and she stuck her tongue out at him.

Shanks: Why would I laugh at that? Her clothes aren't half as funny as Buggy's nose.
Buggy: WHAT'D YOU SAY?

The captain pointed at the cage.  "Your sister?"

Shanks (as Mary Sue): Eh. You can have her.

"She feels safer in the cage."
"And you don't?"
"Birds don't belong in cages," she said proudly.  And the pirates roared.

All: "Off with her 'ead!"
Buggy: And they killed the girl and everyone lived flashily ever after. 
Shanks: The End.

From then on, she spent her days running errands for the captain, swabbing decks and getting into trouble.  The three of them, Shanks, Birdie, and Buggy, held races to see who could reach the crows nest first.  They were tricked into drinking too much wine once and spent one night heaving over the rails.  When they were bored they beat each other up.

Ben: Ah youth…
Shanks: Do you remember any of this?
Buggy: Just the part about me beating you up.
Shanks: You wish.

At nights, Birdie slept with her sister in the cage to keep the young girl from having nightmares.  Sometimes, Pearl would leave the cage and, to the utter annoyance of Buggy and the amusement of everyone else, she would follow Buggy around the ship.
After a particularly eventful day, where they'd beaten rival pirates and taken all their loot,

Ben: I like how you three bonded over homicide.

the three of them found a quieter corner of the deck and drank to celebrate a good day.
"Hey, what's that place over there?" Birdie asked.  There was a darker spot on the horizon that was absent of stars.
"Hmm, I don't know.  I think an island," Shanks said.
"It's Cormorant Cove.  I saw it on the map today in the navigation room," Buggy said proudly.
"How far away from Pearl City are we?" Birdie asked.
"Dunno.  Far probably.  Getting farther everyday, too," Buggy said.
"Pearl City is my city," Pearl said proudly. She was right behind Buggy.
"GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE!" Buggy roared.

Shanks: The only way Buggy can keep a woman.
Buggy: One word, buddy. Alvida.
Shanks: Who happens to be lusting after Luffy.
Buggy: Like somebody else I know.
Shanks: You're sick.
Buggy: And you're with Ben.
Ben: Hey.

"No way," Pearl said, sucking on her thumb defiantly.  "I'm hungry."
"You're always hungry," Buggy muttered.
"I thought we were going to be ransomed," Birdie said quietly.
Shanks shook his head.  "Not now. You're a pirate apprentice. You're going to be a pirate when you grow up."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"She's going to be a princess," Pearl countered.  "Our daddy said so." 
Birdie glared at her sister.  "I'm not a princess and I'm not a pirate.  I'm going to be whatever I want to be."  She took a long pull from the bottle in her hand and stared over the side of the boat.
"And when I'm a princess, I will eat everything I could ever want," Pearl proclaimed.  They ignored her.
"You have to be a pirate," Shanks said.  "You aren't a prisoner so you have to be a pirate then."
"Pearl's not an apprentice!" Birdie cried.  "So neither am I."
"Yeah, but Pearl is Pearl," Shanks concluded decisively.  "And maybe someday she will be a princess, but you're a pirate at heart, Birdie."
"No one asked you, Shanks."
"Dork."
"Twit."
Buggy smirked.  "Princess."
Birdie threw her bottle down and jumped on Buggy. 

Shanks: There Buggy. Now you've got your piece of the Mary Sue action.
Ben: Oh. Watch out. She just threw down.
Buggy: I can take her.
Ben: No. She threw down a bottle. If that fight goes to the decks, you guys are going to be rolling around in broken glass.

Shanks tried to break them up, but he ended up fighting them both.  Pearl squealed and it wasn't stopped until four of the pirates had separated them.

Shanks: That remark about Pearl…
Ben: Not necessary. Someone was reading non-canon OP materials before writing this.
Buggy: Doujin - taste the wrongness.

Later, so late that it was almost morning, Shanks woke up.  The deck echoed with the snores of the crew, but he was certain that he'd heard something.
Shh, Pearl, be quiet.
It's going to be cold.
You said you wanted to be a princess.  This is your only chance.  You heard Shanks - if we don't go, you're going to become a pirate.
Oh.
He peered around the corner and saw the sisters standing at the rail.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"It's what I'm not doing," Birdie said and stuck out her tongue.  Then she picked up her sister in her arms and hefted herself onto the rail, with Pearl in her lap.
"Birdie!" he cried.  One of the pirates stirred, but no one else had woken up.
"See you later, you dumb pirate."  She leaned back and they disappeared from sight.  He heard Pearl scream.  There was a large splash and Shanks cried, "BIRDIE!"

Shanks: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have said a damn thing.
Buggy: Wouldn't want to alert anyone to the Mary Sue's demise.
Shanks: Exactly.
Ben: But as we've already gone over - this is a larval Mary Sue; she will survive because she must fulfill her "purpose."
Buggy: AKA "getting the flash on with Shanks."
Shanks: Crap. So that means -
Ben: Yup. Another chapter.

next
back