I don't own One Piece or it's characters; that's the good fortune of Eiichiro Oda.  But the way the words go together - that's all...somebody else's.

==============

"Tell me, tell me, tell me!" Luffy bounced up and down.
"You're making me seasick, kid," Birdie moaned.
"You promised!  You said after you were awake you would tell me!"
"No, I said after she was awake, she would tell you," Nami corrected.  She put another cold compress on Birdie's forehead.

Nami (grumbling): So the author of this drivel wasn't up to Chopper's Arc at this point and I get to substitute nurse in his place. I better be getting time and a half for this stint.

After Birdie had made her stunning announcement - stunning to Luffy that was - she had taken a step forward, then collapsed on the deck.  After some food and rest, she'd revived completely,

Zoro: Where's SARS when you need it?
Nami: That's not funny at all.
Zoro: Hmph. Neither is this story.

introduced herself, and told her story.
She'd explained to Nami.  "I was riding that thing for a day and a night. 

Sanji (grinning): There may be hope for this fic yet!

"It had smashed my boat, so I didn't have much of a choice.  I'd gotten the trident under the lip and was pulling it back, because that is what keeps it from going back under the water,

Usopp: coughcough-nowwe'restealingfromDunegiantsandwormsmuch?-coughcough
Sanji: I didn't know you smoked.

but I couldn't get to its weak spot, which I found out just happens to be on its underbelly.  Then I saw your ship and I didn't want to ruin it - so…well, you saw what happened."
"And you do this for a living?" Nami asked incredulously.
"I do it all:

Sanji: Wahoo!

serpents, sirens, man-eating sharks, sea lions, giant turtles and eels, and your general sea beasties of the Grand Line.  My name's Birdie Black: Beast Hunter for Hire."

(All the guys laugh.)
Luffy: Ferrets are funny!
Nami: Okaaaay.
Zoro: Beastmaster.
Nami (dryly): Oh yes.  Now everything makes sense.

Then Luffy had come in.

Usopp: AUGH!  What the hell is going on?!  The scenes keep jumping around!

"Give me a break, Captain.  I just got off a man-eating monster and you want me to tell you stories?  Can you wait until dark?"
Luffy thought for a moment.  "No."
Nami intervened and threw Luffy out of the cabin.  "Let her rest!" she ordered, then slammed the door shut.
There was a knock.  "I said GO - oh, Sangie, it's you."

Zoro: At least that reaction is IC.
Sanji: Bite me.
(Zoro replies with a sekuhara leer.)
Zoro: Is that an offer?
(The rest of the crew is both intrigued and mildly stunned at the complete OOC-ness of this exchange. Sirens go off in the theatre!)
Loud robotic voice: Doujin leak in sector 12. Doujin leak in sector 12. Shutting down sector 12 now.
(The sirens go off.)
Narrator: Sorry about that.  I'll get maintenance on it
(The fic torture resumes.)

She allowed the chef in the cabin.  He presented Birdie a dish - actually, he flourished the dish.
"For you," he said graciously.
She smiled weakly and pointed at the other dishes on the table.  "You've been feeding me since I woke up.  I've had enough.  Thank you.  Just tea from now on…"
Sangie frowned.  "You don't like it?  You haven't even tasted it…"
"I do like them.  I like them all but you're going to make me fat.  Please, no more."  And Sangie had walked out, slamming the door behind him.

Nami: Thanks to the all-knowing Mary Sue I know how to get rid of Sanji.  Oh wait.  This will only work on "Sangie."
Zoro: I betcha he flounced out.
Sanji: I'm insulted. Amazingly insulted. I've never been rude to a woman in my life!

"Dammit.  So who haven't I offended or had thrown out of my room yet?" she asked Nami.
"Well, you stepped on Zoro and I think he's still pissed but Usopp is undamaged. I can bring him in here if you want…" Nami teased.

Nami: 'Teased'? Why am I being so nice to her? 
Usopp: She's Mary Sue.  Everyone is automatically nice to her once the tense 'is she friend or foe?' scene is played out. You're probably going to share more secrets with her in one hour than with the rest of us during our whole voyage together.

"That's alright.  I think I'm well enough to walk about and insult people at the same time."  She swung her legs onto the floor.  "My clothes are dry now.  Do you mind if I change into my own things?"
Nami nodded and handed her her clothes.  "I'd like to point out that I didn't remove your necklace, even though it was tempting."

Nami: Yeah. Like I'd tell her I was thinking that.
Zoro: Yeah. Like you'd restrain yourself from doing it in the first place.
(Sanji and Nami both give Zoro a 'love tap' in the kidneys.)

Birdie laughed as she walked behind the changing screen.  "Had I woken up without it things would be going much differently now."
"Like how?"
"For starters, you'd all be dead."

Everyone (mock fear): Ooooooooo.
Zoro: Mary Sue is gonna kill us with her pitchfork.
Usopp: Or bore us to death with her 'personality.'

Nami shook her head.  "Luffy wouldn't let anyone except himself touch you."

(Everyone looks at Luffy. Sanji, being multitalented, looks AND glares.)
Luffy: Um? I smelled Skittles in her pockets? (gets mad) I didn't do it!  It was someone else! Stop looking at me!
Usopp (taking out a piece of paper): I am now taking bets on who is gonna end up with Mary Sue.  The odds are 3-1: Luffy, 5-1: Sanji, 9-1: me, 15-1: Nami, and 1001-1: Zoro.
Nami: Hey! What kind of story do you think this is?
Usopp (shrugging): Just covering all the options.
Luffy: I don't wanna end up with Mary Sue!  Change it!
Usopp: Nope. That's the odds right now.
Zoro (who has just caught on): Hey…

"Currently, you are beyond precious to him.  He almost went crazy when Usopp suggested that you might die and he put up quite a fight when I told him that I would be the only getting you out of your wet clothes."  Nami paused.  "Then again, Sangie was difficult to get out of the room too."

(Everyone looks at Sanji.)
Sanji: Surprisingly IC.

Birdie threw the borrowed clothes over the screen and pulled down hers.  "Why was he so concerned?  I can barely remember what I did."
"You mentioned his hat," Nami explained. 
"The hat?  Ah!  The hat!"  Birdie appeared, scarf on her black hair and dirk now hanging at her side.  "Okay.  I feel much better.  I'm going to go out there and not insult anyone!  This I swear!"  She opened the door, then closed it immediately.  "OH GOD!  THAT REEKS!"

Everyone: Just like this story. 
Nami: The End.
Luffy: Even the Mary Sue knows it stinks!  Can we go now?

Birdie stood with the crew of the Go Merry Go and examined the evidence.
"You know, we can get rid of the stink if the scale is tied onto the hull under the water level.  Just give me a few nails, a hammer, and rope and I'll be done lickety split," she suggested.  "It's about dusk, isn't it?  I'll be done before that."
"You can do that while we're moving?" Usopp asked.  He had wrapped a handkerchief around his face.
She nodded.  "Two breaths is all it takes.  It'd only be one if we were anchored."

Usopp: I wonder if we can trick her into holding her breath until she dies?

And she was as good as her word.  She dived overboard with a rope tied to her waist and was up in less than ten minutes.  Slowly the smell slowly lifted from the air and the seagulls joined them again.
Luffy watched the sun set.  As soon as the water had swallowed the last ray of light, he leapt on Birdie.  "Story!  Now!"
The woman shook her head.  "Captain, I couldn't even begin without a full stomach.  Perhaps Sangie will prepare something for me?"

Zoro: And maybe "Sangie" will slip some poison into her food?
Usopp: That "Sanjie" guy could put some in my character's food too. Death is preferable to being in this drivel.

Sangie looked at her suspiciously.  "What about your tea-only diet?"

(Sanji is now smoking two cigarettes to calm his rage at the horrible OOC of it all.)

"Perhaps I was a bit hasty before," she said.  "If it wouldn't be a problem?"
Sangie wasn't convinced.  "What if it is?"

Sanji: Like I'd ever waver if a lady asked me to get her something!
(Sanji is now juggling three fags in his mouth.)
Everyone: 0_o
Sanji (mumbling through the three cigarettes in his mouth): Grow up.
Narrator: I'm merely abusing the English language to make the pain of being here slightly more bearable.

Luffy glared at him.  "Get in the kitchen!  I want my story!"
Birdie frowned.  "No.  I understand.  I shouldn't ask for something so insignificant." She grabbed Sangie's arm and took his hand.  "I shouldn't waste the talent of these wonderful fingers…"  she said as she lazily dragged her fingernails over his open palm.

(The cigarettes fly out of Sanji's mouth.)
Sanji: Aw yeah!  Finally I get some action in this fic!  Go ahead Mary Sue.  Use me and abuse me.  I'll like it.
Usopp: You really are desperate. 
Zoro: So's the Mary Sue.
(The Battle of the Hard Candies resumes!)

Sangie was gone. 

Luffy: He got to leave?  No fair.
Nami: I think the author meant "went to the kitchen."
Usopp: Sanji would have never made it to the kitchen. He'd be dead from the blood loss out of the nose.
(Usopp becomes a civilian casualty of the candy battle. He grabs a handful of sour patch kids and joins in. Luffy watches the waste of candy in horror, then begins trying to catch the projectiles out of the air and into his mouth.)

They could hear pots and pans being slammed in the galley.  Birdie winked at Nami, who was smiling.  The girl had been right; it was easy to get back into the chef's good graces.  As for the swordsman…

Usopp: Does Zoro have good graces?
Zoro: Shut up.
Nami: That would be a 'no.'

Zoro was glaring at her.  Well, four out of five wasn't bad.

Zoro: I don't waste my time glaring at people.  Eats into my precious sleeping/training/eating/drinking/making stuff bleed time.
(Zoro gets dinged in the head with a twinkie and re-enters the fray to avenge his dignity.)

Sangie prepared a sumptuous meal and Birdie lauded it, effectively turning Sangie into her willing slave.

(Everyone laughs.)
Nami: The Mary Sue is acting like that's a special feat or something.

Luffy watched the woman eat every morsel.  As soon as the last bite was swallowed, he pounced again.  "Story! Now!"
"But Captain, this is an epic tale.  I'm going to need something to wet my throat…"

Luffy (mouthful of M&Ms): Tell the stupid story so the torture will end!

Luffy scrambled away.  "How long is this epic tale going to be?" Usopp asked, yawning.

Usopp: I bet it's going to be too long, imposter me.

"As long as I make it," the hunter said petulantly.
"Well, I'm going to sleep," he said. 

(Usopp points and laughs at the others.)
Usopp: I'm out of the fic!
(Zoro and Sanji gang up on Usopp, pummeling him with gummi bears and red hots.)
Nami: That doesn't mean you get to stop reviewing it, Usopp.
Usopp: Maaaannnn….

Zoro and Sangie followed, while Nami climbed the mast.

Luffy (in between chewing mouthfuls of Gummi Bears): Don't we have netting for that?
Nami (glaring): If anyone says anything about my 'mast-climbing' abilities…

It was her turn for crow's nest duty.
Appropriate sums of liquor and beer were extracted from the hold.  Luffy sat them in front of her. 

Nami: Who? Me? (sighing) See, author, there are these nifty things called 'names.'  And people use them to, like, identify other people!  They're amazing. You should check them out.

"Story.  NOW!" he ordered.
Birdie smiled and picked up one of the bottles.  She took a long draught and sighed happily.  "Oh, damn, that's good."

Everyone: GET ON WITH IT!

Birdie grinned some more.  She had fun drawing it out,

Usopp (muttering): Sadists usually do.
Nami: The bitch.

but now it was time to fulfill her part of the bargain.
"So you want to know about Shanks?" she asked.

Everyone: NO!
Zoro: We hear enough about the guy from him. (hikes his thumb at Luffy)
Luffy (mumbling with a mouthful of marshmallows): I thought you liked my stories.

"YES!" the boy cried.
"Well, it all started when I stupidly thought that I was strong enough to take a rowboat out on my own.  I was twelve years old, so I thought I knew everything. 

Nami: "But I learned that you couldn't know everything unless you were a Mary Sue.  So I applied for my license and now…here I am!"

"I'd brought my sister along for the ride.  But then the rowboat was caught in the current…"

(In another movie theatre, remarkably similar to the one occupied by the Straw Hat Crew, two other members of the Smut Garden sit and are tortured outside of their normal realm.)

On another ocean….
Shanks' life wasn't centered on treasure, but he could admire a good pull when he saw it. 

Shanks (twisting the cap off a bottle of beer): Finally.  The part about me.
Ben: So you want to be here.  In a Mary Sue fic?
(Shanks ponders this and reaches a conclusion.)
Shanks: Crap.
(Ben also starts drinking for he is the smartest character in the OP Universe and knows that he may have to sacrifice a few brain cells to keep his sanity intact.)
Ben:  You could view it as a compliment, I imagine.  Someone thinks you're important enough to torture.
Shanks: Hmmph.  Mary Sue authors are fickle.  The next mildly interesting, facially scarred character that comes along and she'll be torturing him instead.
(Somewhere Kohza sneezes.)

They'd taken enough valuables from the rival pirates that had attacked them to keep them in rum and salted fish for a long time.

Ben:  Rum and fish.  Yum.  The perfect recipe for scurvy.

"Here, captain.  We found these in the captain's cabin,"  Ben held something cradled in the palm of his hand. 

Ben: I have just spoken the most awkward sentence ever constructed in the history of human language.
Shanks: Then you haven't read Ulysses.
Ben (snorts): Oh, and like you have.

They were pearls, luminescent in the light of the lantern.  On the left was a pearl so white that it looked as if the moon had been plucked from the night sky.  On the right was a pearl as black as the darkest of the ocean's valleys.

Shanks: I'm not thinking like that.
Ben: I'm not thinking like that.
Both: So who's thinking like that?

They were the legendary pearls of Shingu Black. 

(Shanks cups his hand over his mouth and goes 'WOOOOOTTTTT WWWOOOOOOOOTTTTT!' like an alarm.)
Ben: Fangirl Japanese Alert!  Fangirl Japanese Alert!

They were known as Shinju's Daughters and were famed for their size and perfection.  Supposedly the great pearl diver had found them lying side by side in the same giant oyster, one black and one white.  Later, the pearl diver had lost them gambling with a pirate and they had been changing hands along the pirates of the Grand Line ever since.
Now they were his.

Ben (fake evil overlord): Mine I tell you!  Mine!
Shanks (fake evil overlord): And with them I will take over the world!  MUWAHAHAHAHA!

Shanks put his bottle down and took them from his first mate's hand.  They were heavy, a good weight.

Ben: Not even going there.
Shanks: Doujin leak into the story.  I hope that gets fixed.

"Did I ever tell you about them?" Shanks mused.  He handed them back to Ben who put them in the lock box.  "The real daughters?  The Black sisters?  You met one of them once…"
"You may have said something," Ben replied.
Shanks smiled.  That meant that he'd said a lot at one time or another.
He couldn't help but remember them.

Shanks: AAAHHHH!!!
Ben: Flashback!
(Shanks does a fair impersonation of Wayne and Garth., waving his hand and saying the unpronounceable doododido or however that would be spelled written out.)
Shanks: Only fair?
Narrator: It's not quite the same with only one hand.
Shanks: HEY!
(And the curtain closes, signaling the end of the second "Period of Torture.")


next
back