One Piece Splash Page Adventure:
The Woman who is definitely not a Pirate - the Blackbird!

Nami: AKA Mary Sue Ellen Grace Smith.
Usopp: Wow.  That title makes the theme of this story almost as obvious as -
Sanji: One of your lies? 
(Usopp gives Sanji an evil glare. There is no subtext unless you want to put it in there. Bialy.)
Sanji (continuing on): Luckily Mary Sues are hot.  They're always hot.  So I'm not going to complain just yet.
Zoro: You're desperate enough for Mary Sue action?
Sanji: Maybe. We'll see.

"You're a pirate at heart!"
Birdie pulled the rope tighter and grimaced.  "Am not."
"Are too!"
"Captain - " she threatened.
He grinned and then bounded off to another part of the ship.
She took one of her hands off the rope and wiped her forehead.  Damn, she'd had too much to drink.  And she never should have told the kid that story.

Nami: That was definitely not the opening of One Hundred Years of Solitude.
Zoro: That wasn't even the opening of Anne of Green Gables.
Sanji: A lady is doing work and I'm on this ship? CoughcoughOOCcough
Usopp:  You should quit smoking, Sanji.
Sanji: And you should quit sticking your nose into other people's business.
Nami (to herself): I probably have her working off her passage.  No one gets a free ride while I'm on the GM.

Luffy ran, searching for the next port of call.  There lied treasure.  Truthfully, there lied a bounty and they were going to get half of it.  Birdie had promised after all.

Nami: Shouldn't I be having greedy thoughts like that?
Usopp: Where is Luffy running?
Zoro: Maybe it's just around in circles.  Remember the time he drank all that old milk?
(Everyone nods, except Luffy, who doesn't remember it at all. Bad milk will mess up your memory like that.)

"Hey Usopp, do you see it yet?" Luffy yelled, disturbing the seagulls that were following the ship and rousing Zoro from his nap. 
Zoro glared at Luffy then resumed sleeping.

(Zoro glares at the screen.)
Zoro: Stereotyping me already.
Nami: Is it a stereotype?
Sanji: coughcough - enteringthegrandline - coughcough
Usopp: Nami, can we buy some Nicorette for Sanji? This is getting ridiculous.

Luffy could barely contain himself.  Soon they would have their money and then they would have more supplies and then they could continue their search for the treasure, One Piece.

Nami: MY thoughts!  Why is Luffy stealing MY thoughts?
Luffy: But I want One Piece. That's right.
Nami: But do you ever think about supplies?  Or money?  Or anything practical?
Luffy (proudly): No.

It was great being a pirate.
He looked over his shoulder and watched Birdie work the ropes of the sails.  She was a master at the ropes. 

Nami: And Mary Sue is stealing my skills too!
Usopp: That bitch.

Shanks had been right…
She was a pirate at heart.

Zoro: There's only one way to know for sure.  We'll have to rip her heart out right out of her chest cavity.
Sanji: Very dark, marimo-head.
Zoro: Good.  If this is a dark fic, someone will die. I vote for me.
Usopp: Can anyone follow this?
Nami: I don't think she's gotten to the chapter on 'narrative continuation' in her writing manual.
Luffy: (happily) Shanks!  I hope he's… (thinks a minute) I hope he's NOT in this story.

He remembered when they had picked up Birdie two days ago.

Usopp: IE when Mary Sue had been shoved into our universe to wreak OOC havoc on our lives.
Nami: The bitch.

They were sailing. 
It had been five days without sight of land or pirates -

Usopp: Except for each other.

and everyone was relaxing, at least as much as a five-man crew could relax on a full pirate ship.  No one was manning the crow's nest, because they weren't supposed to see land for another five days,

Zoro: Mary Sue likes the number 5.
Sanji: Says the guy with the number three obsession.
(Zoro and Sanji fight while the story continues.)

assuming that Nami was right about the navigation,

Nami: ASSUMING?
(Sanji throws popcorn at Zoro.)

which she always was. 

Nami: That's more like it.
(Zoro retaliates with a barrage of Lemonheads.)

He'd been on deck, watching the horizon, when he saw it.

Usopp: Who is this mysterious 'he' person?
Nami: Names are good.  The author should use them.
(Luffy's lower lip trembles as he watches all the food go to waste.)

"Whale!" he had cried, but no one moved much.
"We've seen whales," Nami said, while she filed her nails.
"We've seen pods of whales," Usopp added.  He'd strung up a makeshift hammock and he didn't open his eyes.

Nami: In my orange trees!?
(Nami thwaps Usopp in the head.)
Usopp: OW!  It wasn't me.  It was that imposter wearing my body!

Zoro didn't say anything.  He was asleep, as usual.

Zoro (doing an impression of himself): …zzz…as usual.
(Zoro's impression of himself involves sleeping with his mouth open.  Sanji manages a three pointer with an Atomic Sour Ball.  Zoro chokes from the sourness and the fact that it's lodged in his larynx.)

"Whale!" he cried again.  They ignored him.

Luffy: So it's either Sanji or me.
Sanji:  It's you. Only you would get excited about a whale.
(Sanji's inattention gets him a malted chocolate ball right in the eye from the now recovered swordsman.)

He shaded his eyes.  Nope, not a whale.  "Monster Fish!"
That got the reaction he wanted.  Nami threw down her file, Usop fell out of his hammock, Zoro woke up, and Sangie came out of the galley.

(The Battle of the Hard Candies stops.)
Everyone: SANGIE?
Usopp: Hey, my name's spelled wrong too.
Nami: That could be a typo.
Sanji: Mine on the other hand…
Everyone: SANGIE?

"Look!  It's coming straight for us!"
It was some strange deep-sea monstrosity, with tentacles and spines and slime covering its hide.  Its mouth was open and it was, indeed, coming straight for the ship.  "Get out of the way," the monster cried.
"Did you hear - "
"It couldn't have - "
"Said something - "
"A fish?"
"Sugoi!  It talks!" Luffy cried. 

Nami: I was waiting for the random fan Japanese.  Can't have a Mary Sue story without some of that.
Usopp: At least the instance makes sense.
Luffy: That's wrong! I say "Sugee!"
Zoro: …butchering our mother tongue.
Luffy: It's slang! Stupid author.

It was still coming straight for them and there was no time for any evasive tactics.  It appeared that the thing was going to swallow the entire boat.
It dove at the last minute, causing the Go Merry Go to pitch to and fro from the waves.  And at the last minute, a person launched themselves off the back of the beast and landed on the ship.
"Excuse me, sorry, pardon me," she said as she ran across the deck.  Zoro had drawn his swords and was obstructing her path.  Without missing a beat, she jumped in the air, took a step off his head, and dove into the water.

Zoro (certainly): That must be a typo. She did not step on my head.
Usopp: That's what it said.
Zoro: Nope. Didn't happen.
Sanji: But that's what it said.
Zoro: That's IMPOSSIBLE!  I would have sliced her from neck to navel!  I would have gutted her like a fish!  I would have -
(Everyone nods as Zoro goes off on what he would have done to the Mary Sue.  This normally would have bored them but since he is detailing Mary Sue torture they are entranced.  The fic is paused until Zoro finishes.)
Zoro: - and then thrown her remains over the side!

All five ran to the side where the woman had taken a flying leap.  The water revealed nothing - not a giant monster nor a diving woman. They watched, waiting for a sign; bubbles, froth, blood, something.

Nami: We can only hope.

"She's been in there for a long time," Nami said finally.
"It ate her!" Usopp suggested.  "And it's going to come back for us!"
"How long has it been?" Sangie asked.

Everyone: SANGIE?

"About five minutes," Zoro said.  That woman stepped on his head; she was lucky she drowned.

Zoro: I have a feeling we're not going to be that lucky.

Luffy stared.  He wanted to see the monster fish again.
After a few more minutes, Zoro shrugged.  "Guess that's that."

Zoro: Obviously the me in the story doesn't realize this is a Mary Sue.

"That was strange," Nami muttered.
Usopp was in the corner sobbing.  "Oh GOD!  It's going to EAT us!  Any minute now, that horrible thing is going to come out of the water and swallow us alive."
"Get a hold of yourself.  It's going to do no such thing!" Nami cried.
The water exploded 100 meters starboard.  Nami and Usopp screamed.  The giant body of the creature bobbed in the water.  Its mouth hung open and its eyes stared blankly.
The stink of the thing washed over them.

Sanji: An accurate description of the entire MST experience.

"Oh, gross," Luffy muttered as he covered his nose with her hand.

Nami: My hand?  (glaring at Luffy) Why would I cover your nose with my hand?
Usopp: Typo.

"Let's get out of here.  I don't know if I can handle that…smell," Sangie added, removing the handkerchief from his coat pocket and putting it over his face.

Everyone: SANGIE?
Sanji: Okay. I think that's enough. It's obvious that I'm going to be known as 'Sangie' in this story.

"OI!"
"It's talking again!  It's still alive," Luffy cried.
"HEY!  GET ME THE HELL OFF OF THIS THING!"
Usopp pulled out his spyglass. 
"It's that girl.  She made it." 
Luffy was already at the wheel and pulling the ship around to pick her up.

Nami: (rolls her eyes) Am I even needed on this voyage?  It appears that someone has it all under control.
(Nami glares at Luffy.  Sanji glares at Luffy too.)

As they neared the carcass, the smell got worse, but the view got much, much better.  Or so Sangie thought.  He could see her now.

Sanji: I KNEW she'd be a babe!

She was grinning happily even though she was soaking wet.  Her black hair hung tightly against her skull and flopped down the back of her wet overshirt,

Sanji: Wahoo!

which was damp enough to show that she was wearing a black tank top underneath. 

Sanji: Oh damn.

Her shorts showed her legs,

Sanji: Wahoo!

which were white,

Luffy: Thought it was gonna say hairy.
Everyone else: Gross.

except for the dirk that was strapped to her thigh. 

Sanji: Continue on, unnecessary but very gratifying narration!

She balanced herself on the slimy hide with a trident.  A rope was also slung over her shoulder.

Zoro (snorts): How does she swim and leap through the air with that armory she's carrying?
Usopp: Behold!  The power of Mary Sue!
Everyone: Oooohhhh…awwww…..

"Hello!"
She looked them over.  Not the girl, not him, not him, not him.  Wait, it was…it was him.
Her gaze stopped on Luffy.  "Captain."

(Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Zoro: When did you get 'Captain' tattooed on your forehead, Luffy?
Luffy: That'd be cool!
Usopp: Is she psychic too?
Nami: Mary Sues usually are.
(Sanji is hoping that no one can read his mind right now.)

Luffy was not unmoved by her immediate recognition of his status.  "Come aboard!  And get off the fish!  I'm Luffy and this is my crew!"
"Thanks!  But catch!"
She hefted a scale cut from the monster's body.  It landed in the midst of them. Then the monster hunter slid down the slimy hide and jumped to the deck, dropping lightly. 

Nami: Like a fox. Or a delicate butterfly. Or an elven maid.
Sanji: Vivi's the one that jumps lightly onto the rail of the ship!  Mary Sue stole Vivi's moves too! 
Usopp: That bitch.

She held her trident up and nodded at Luffy.  "Sorry.  Tools of my trade.  Hope you don't mind if I bring them aboard."  She didn't wait for an answer and pulled a scarf out of her pocket.  It was as wet as she was, but she threw it over her hair and knotted it firmly.

Zoro (doing the same): Alright!  That's a challenge if I ever saw one!

She was staring at something.  Sangie followed her gaze.  She was looking at their sails.
"Nice to meet you, but never mind," she said.  She leapt backward and landed on the guardrail.  "I'll find my own way home."
"What are you doing?" Nami asked.
"I want to be rescued, not captured, thank you very much."  The woman was still grinning, but there was an edge to her voice and her eyes had narrowed suspiciously.  She balanced precariously as the ship heaved.

Usopp: And threw up all over the Mary Sue because not even the Going Merry can stand being in a stupid fic like this.

"We're not going to capture you," Luffy exclaimed.
"I've heard that before.  You're pirates, right?"
Luffy grinned proudly.
"Well, no pirate I ever met gave a free ride, and I don't have anything to pay with."
"Except that necklace…" Nami's eyes had been on it the minute she'd seen it.  It was a large black pearl hanging off a silver chain.
The diving woman put her hand on it and said pleasantly, "Just f -

(Nami covers Luffy's ears.)

ucking try it."

(Nami removes her hands from Luffy's ears.)
Nami (glaring): Ahem. Where was the language rating for this fic?

Sangie tried to defuse the situation.  "We can work something out."  He could think of a few ways…

Sanji: I wouldn't propose that to a lady.
(The entire gang raises their eyebrows in simultaneous disbelief.)
Sanji: Not out loud. Not in front of Nami-san.

The woman thought for a moment.  "I'll go halfsies on the bounty.  That's fair right?"
"Bounty?" Usopp asked.
"I kill sea beasties for a living.  That's what the scale is for, the proof, so I can get paid.  And my pay this time is 200000 berii.  Half of it is yours if you'll take me to the port."
Luffy looked at her.  "Maybe we'll keep the scale and throw you overboard and get all the bounty ourselves."

Usopp: Wow.  That was really mean, Luffy.
Nami: Helllllooooooooo, OOC.  That's MY line.

She looked at the five of them, then jumped off the rail onto the deck.  "Yeah.  Maybe.  But you won't."
"Why's that?" Luffy asked.
The woman flipped her wet hair off her shoulder.

Usopp (pretending to do the same): "Because, like, I'm Mary Sue. Like duh."

"Firstly, because if I go overboard, I'll make sure to rip a hole in your hull so big that your ship will sink like a rock.  It may take awhile but as you saw, I can hold my breath for a very long time."
"Can't do it if you're dead," Zoro said.

Zoro: I wouldn't have said that. Just demonstrated it.

"Let's not be hasty with the young lady," Sangie said to the swordsman.

Sanji: Hmm.  I'm being amazingly polite to Zoro now.  I wonder why. (snaps his fingers) Zoro must have grown breasts!
(The Battle of the Hard Candies resumes!)

"And second," Nami prompted.
The woman pointed at Luffy.  "It depends on the answer to the question.  The previous owner of that hat - did he give it to you?  Because if he did, I am truly…" - she bowed gracefully -  "…at your service, Captain."
Then she fell flat on her face.

Usopp: Just like this crappy story.
Narrator: And so ends Chapter 1.
Everyone: WHAT?!
Usopp: There's more?
Zoro: No way.  I am not doing more.
(Luffy munches on some Sour Balls hoping to fry his brain with the sour tang.)
Narrator: Stop whining. Your duties will be divided shortly.  Now everyone who has to go to the bathroom should go now.
(Everyone stands up.)
Narrator: And for the record, the entire movie theatre is contained in outer space, so trying to escape out the window or by tunneling through the floor, or out a convenient air duct will only lead to implosion in the pressure-less vacuum of the universe. Have a nice day.
Luffy: Hang on.
(The pirates huddle together and whisper intently for a few moment. Everyone sits back down.)
Nami: Let's get this over with.

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