Dendenmushi #1 (was Voice Mail #1)

Sanji and Zoro's Outgoing Message:
SPEAK… (beeeep)

Voice of Crocodile (a la Mark's Mom):
That was a very loud beep.
I don't even know if this is working.
3? 3? Are you there?
Are you screening your calls?
(Menacing) It's your boss.

Wanted to know if you killed those pirates
And got rid of the princess.
All the other agents are here -

Voice of Bon Clay:
We send our love!

Voice of Crocodile:
Shut up, Mr. 2!

Hope your sidekick liked the paint set.
Just complete your mission
You know what you have to do.

Oh, and 3,
I really don't want to hear excuses.
Here's my policy.
If you don't get your assignment done;
You'll be floating in the sea.

Voice of Bon Clay:
Looooooooooove

Crocodile:
Boss.

Training #2 (was Tune Up #2)
Sanji:
Hmmm, wrong number, I guess.
Whatcha doing Zoro?

Zoro:
I'm training to become -

(The phone rings.)

Sanji:
We screen.

Sanji and Zoro's Answering Machine:
SPEAK…(beep)

Luffy (on payphone, somewhere in Loguetown):
Meat is roasting….

Zoro and Sanji:
Luffy!

Luffy:
I'm hungry.

Sanji (drops spoon, grabs phone):
Hey!

Luffy:
Zoro picked up the phone?

Sanji:
No, it's me.

Luffy:
A pirate bento, please. (he yawns)

Sanji (to no one in particular):
A wild voyage is now pre-ordained.

Luffy (yawns again):
I may be detained.

(Luffy falls asleep, and slumps backwards out of the phone booth, into the middle of the street.)

Sanji:
(To Zoro) What does he mean? (Into the receiver) What do you mean, detained? I'm cooking FOR YOU! (Sanji hangs up, the phone rings again, Sanji answers it) Where are you?

(The voice, however, is most definitely not Luffy.)

Smoker:
Ho ho ho.

Sanji and Zoro:
Smoker! Shit!

Smoker:
Pirates, I'm on my way.

Sanji and Zoro:
Great! Fuck.

Smoker:
I'm arresting you.

Sanji:
For what?

Smoker:
The past year's crimes that I let slide.

Zoro:
Let slide?  We saved your life!

Sanji:
You were drowning. In Raindinners'!

Zoro:
Remember? The giant cage?

Smoker:
How could I forget? You, me, Luffy, Nami -
How is the pirate queen?

Sanji:
She's working tonight.

Smoker:
I know. 
Still cooking for her?

Sanji:
Two days ago I was dumped.

Smoker:
You still going after her?

Sanji:
Last month I was bumped.

Zoro:
She's in love.

Smoker:
She got a new slave?

Sanji:
Well no.

Smoker:
What's his name?

Both:
(beat) Vivi-anne.

Smoker:
Justice, amigos, is due.  I will have to arrest you.  See you in a few.

(Zoro, in his immense frustration at hearing Smoker's voice, attempts to cut through steel - and fails again.  Then the lights and stove go out.)

Sanji:
The power blows… Zoro, if you want to eat, we have to get a fire going!

Zoro:
Are the Marines attacking?

Sanji:
No.  I want to know who gave them our number.  I thought we were unlisted.  Now put the swords down and help me!

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