In the Vortex

(The pirates are too stunned to react.  They can only float through the purple lava lamp endlessness that is the vortex and pray that Makino can save them...)

===================

(At Party's Bar. Washuu is attempting to talk Makino and F.O.Z. Girl through their small problem with alternate dimensions eating their customers.)

F.O.Z. Girl: The button - the red one?

(Makino has her finger poised over the red button.)

Washuu: Yes.

Makino: You sure?  It looks ominous.

F.O.Z. Girl (to Washuu): You sure?

Washuu: Yes.

F.O.Z. Girl (to Makino): She says it is definitely the red button.

Makino: Okay.

Washuu: WAIT!

F.O.Z. Girl (to Makino): WAIT!

(Makino's finger is on the red button - it is pushed halfway down.)

Washuu: First set the ice maker to 'Cubes."

F.O.Z. Girl (to Makino): Is the icemaker set to 'Cubes'?

Makino (flips a switch): It is now.

Washuu: Now hit the red button.

F.O.Z. Girl (to Makino): You can now press the red button.

(Makino presses the red button.)

(There's a great big whooshing noise and the pirates reappears - pale, drawn, and in desperate need of a drink.)

F.O.Z. Girl (to Washu): Out of curiosity, what would have happened if we hadn't had it on 'Cubes'?

Washuu: It would have depended. For example, 'Crushed' would have been a bit of a pulpier return.

F.O.Z. Girl: Oh. Well thanks. I'm gonna go pee now.

Washuu: No problem.  Feel free to call the help-line at anytime.

(F.O.Z. Girl darts to the bathroom while the pirates blink blearily and take stock of their surroundings.)

Nami: Is this a dream?

Usopp: Could we possibly be…

(Shanks sums up what everyone is really thinking, what they've wanted since they were first sucked into that hell of a Vortex.)

Shanks: Beer.

(They clamor behind the bar and start pulling bottles down, uncorking them and drinking straight.)

Makino: Hey, hey, wait one second! You all better get your wallets out and -

(Evil death stares that say - HELL NO.)

Makino (conceding): Well, I guess I owe you all.

(More evil death stares that say - YOU GUESS?!)

Makino: Could you get from out behind the bar though?

(More evil death stares that say - WILD HORSES AND YOUR MOM.)

Makino (patiently): This is a perfect chance for the girls to start their training. A dry/wet run before the big opening night.

(Evil death stares and reluctant acquiescence. The pirates slide onto bar stools with barely feigned politeness and wait.)

Makino (clapping her hands): Let's get a move on! These are our first customers.

(The sorority girls, led by F.O.Z. Girl, troop out. They are sexily clad in assorted 'theme' wear.  Sanji falls over with a nose aneurysm.  As Chopper breaks out the bandages, Makino introduces her new employees.)

Makino: In an hour, it will be the grand opening of this bar - my bar - newly renamed Tanuki Ugly!  And these fine young indentured servants are known collectively as the Tanuki Ugly Girls!

Sorority Girl Moss Green: Why do I have to wear the leather?

Sorority Girl Sepia: Because green haired people are evil.

Zoro: Hey.

Nami: You're evil, Zoro. Get over it. And someone get me a drink! NOW!

(The Tanuki Ugly Girls get cracking on their bar duties. Literally. Makino is wearing a hardly concealed whip on her hip and her Amish/Heather Locklear from Melrose Place power suit is quite intimidating.)

Luffy: This drink is good. What is it?

Sorority Girl Red: Kool-Aid and cheap vodka.

Luffy (blinks): That's genius. I'll have another.

(Slowly but surely, the Tanuki Ugly girls serve the pirates - matching them up with their perfect drinks.)

Makino (thinking): Muwahahaha. (pause) Why am I laughing maniacally in my head? Er...oh yeah! The entertainment! The entertainment makes me laugh maniacally coz its so PERFECT! Muwahahaha!

(Makino snaps her fingers. The jukebox begins to play the original version of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band. The Tanuki Ugly Girls jump up on the bar and start dancing!)

Ben: Hey. HEY! Watch the drink there.

Nami (pulling her drink away from the stomping feet of the Tanuki Ugly Girls): Can't people get gloriously trashed in peace?

(Chopper helps Sanji, who has once again succumbed to a nose aneurysm.)

Usopp: I dunno. It's kinda catchy.

(Suddenly! The swinging doors to Tanuki Ugly burst off their hinges.  The jukebox scratches itself to a stop. The girls stop line-dancing on the counter. The music switches to 'One Way or Another' by Blondie.)

Voice: WHERE IS SHANKS?

Shanks: Whoops.  Be seeing you all. (grabs drink and runs.)

Ben (to Luffy): I suggest you follow his lead. You don't want to meet up with this one.

(In something short of a miracle, the Luffy Crew do as they're told and follow Ben after Shanks.)

Makino (to new mysterious character): You better have the money to pay for that door!

(Marine Captain Hina appears, flanked on either side by a whole battalion of Marines. Party's isn't that big though, so it's a bit crowded.)

Hina (to the Marines): Surround this bar.  No one gets out until I have that red-haired SOB by his scruffy beard!  Hina seriously fucking pissed!

=====================
Random Quote Analysis

"Can I lick you?"
"No." - randomness

Johnny: I think this is a statement on the increasing isolation of our society and how it prevents us from having anything more than a cursory relationship with those around us.
Yosaku: I think the Author was smoking again.
Both: What do you think, Aniki?
(They beam at Kohza from their shared cage.)
Kohza: Have we met?
Johnny: Of course we've met, Zoro Aniki.
Yosaku: You have a new scar! Is that from Mihawk?
Johnny (smiling mischievously): Or Cook Aniki?
Kohza: Cook Aniki? Do you mean Sanji?
Yosaku (winking suggestively): We've been doing a lot of reading, Zoro Aniki.
Johnny: It's cool with us. We don't judge. You're still our aniki.
(Kohza sighs, rubs his temples, and wonders if it would really hurt that much to bang his head against the bars until he's unconscious.)

next
smut
home

===================
Things Explained
Tricked YOU! You thought it was gonna be Mihawk! Well, it's NOT. Muwahahaha!
So starts the Beginning of the End. The last Arc. The coup de grace. The final Huzzah. Where all dangling plot threads will be summed up neatly and tidily.
(laughs) Okay, you got me. Where I spam the remaining characters of OP who have yet to be spammed and shamelessly self-reference all of my fan-fic. Most of this was written ages and ages ago. The Ohtori and the AU Arc just got in the way!
It starts...with Hina.
Once more. With feeling.
MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!