Big Brother 2: The Marvel Edition
Our scene opens in a garishly decorated kitchen, with yellow walls, a looong table and mirrors all over the
place. A fairly attractive youngish woman steps into view, wearing a tasteful suit.
Woman: Hello and welcome to Big Brother 2: The Marvel Edition. I'm your host, Trish Tilby. First,
let's explain how the show works: we take 10 complete strangers who have never ever met before and
stick them in this house for three months. They cannot leave or have any contact with the outside world.
Every two weeks, one of the houseguests will get the boot. Got it? Good. Now, on the first series we
started with a tour of the house. This time we'll skip that, since it was really boring. If you've ever seen
the show, it's the same house, only more durable. Also, there are 50 cameras recording every minute, all
the mutants must wear microphones at all times, and no lights other than the bedroom ones can be turned
off. Now, let's say we introduce you to the first three contestants...
Show nice, normal neighborhood with trees and picket fences and stuff. Enter one house where we see a
slim, brown-haired average looking joe wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm With Stupid," with an arrow
pointing upwards.
Man: Hi, my name's Robert Drake, but my friends call me Bobby.
Cut to a shot of Bobby laying on his bed in his room, reading a Playboy.
Bobby: We're on!?! Crap! (throws Playboy out the window.) Umm...yeah. So. I wanna go in the Big Brother
house to meet chicks and have a good time. My parents don't exactly approve.
Cut to shot of Bobby's parents, looking none too happy.
Dad: Bobby's an idiot. He's always been an idiot. I don't know why he'd wanna embarrass us more by
being himself on national TV. As if the spandex wasn't bad enough.
Cut to shot of boring, gray building. Show Bobby walking inside, wearing a suit and tie.
Bobby: By day I'm an accountant. Yeah, it's not as cool as being a superhero, but it's a lot easier on the
knees. Anyway, I love my work. Really, I do. *Sigh*
Cut to shot of Bobby up close and personal, talking directly to the camera.
Bobby: You know, I really wanna do this to meet new people and have a good story to tell my kids.
Assuming I ever have any. I guess you'd need a woman for that.
Cut back to Trish Tilby.
Trish: Well, now that you've met our first houseguest, Bobby Drake, a.k.a. Iceman, formerly of X-Men fame,
now a stupid accountant*, let's meet our next houseguest:
Cut to shot of a woman's feet. Cue theme music from "Sex and the City" (You know, the "more more more...
how do you like it?") Camera slowly pans upward to her long, thin legs, small waist, and stops at her
chest, which could double as a floatation device in case of emergency. Camera sits there for several
minutes, until she bends down awkwardly so her head is in the shot.
Woman: Uh, hello? Shouldn't you be asking me questions or something? And you better point that camera
a little higher mister, lest you find it lodged where the sun don't shine. (Clears her throat.) Hello, I'm Jean
Grey-Summers, first X-Woman, wife of Cyclops, and sometimes cosmic avatar.
Cut to shot of Jean walking around the mansion's grounds.
Jean: (voice-over) I love being a wife, mother, superhero, and all-around den mother to the outcast group
of mutants called the X-Men, who are sworn to protect a world that hates and hears them.
Suddenly hear loud, angry whispering in the background.
Jean: Fears them, a world that hates and fears them. Sorry Scott. Sheesh. How was I supposed to know
that that was an "F"? For a leader responsible for our safety and well-being, you certainly have sucky
handwriting.
Show Jean in battle, fighting the villain-du-jour.
Jean: Well, I don't really have a job, unless you count superheroe-ing. Oh, you don't. Well, I used to be
a model, but that was before I died. Well, I didn't really die, a cosmic being known as the Phoenix took my
place while I was buried in a cocoon under water. Then, the Phoenix went crazy and killed itself, after which
my boyfriend met and married my clone, then they had a kid, but she went crazy and tried to kill him, and we
went into the future to raise him on our honeymoon...(Jean keeps talking while the sound slowly decreases.
Which is a good thing, because describing the Summers' entire history would give me carpel-tunnel.)
Cut to Jean up close.
Jean: I want to go in the house because Sc--I think it would be a great way to help mutant/human relations
. Or something like that. It looks like a lot of fun, and I really think I deserve a break for once. After all,
wouldn't you get sick of being the universe's punching bag?
And back to Trish, who is picking her teeth with her nails.
Trish: Oops! Well, let's get on with this. Next shmoe please...
Our setting is an elegantly decorated large room with a roaring fireplace and high-backed chair. The chair swivels
around to show an older man wearing a robe and holding a glass of brandy. He gives an engaging smile.
Man: Hello and welcome to my humble abode. Although you have probably recognized me by now, I shall
introduce myself nonetheless: I am Erik Magnus Lensher**, also known as the great Magneto.
Cut to shot of Magneto in battle armor, lifting tanks and other big metal things.
Magneto: I have vowed to save mutant kind from this plague called humanity, for we are the future, and they
are ashes we shall crumble so that we may inherit the Earth and live without prejudice.
Cut to shot of different big room, with a big glass window showing a glorious view of the heavens. A large
chair in the center of the room swivels around, and there sits Magneto, Master of Magnetism.
Magneto: Now that you see all that I have and am capable of, you may ask yourself why? Why would a man
so obviously superior to you maggots deign to appear on such an insipid television program? Because I can.
Simple as that.
Cut to a man sitting on a bench in a park. The bench swivels around (don't ask me how), and we see Magneto
the Great and Glorious.
Magneto: I have another reason for being a houseguest on Big Brother 2: I hope to sway my fellow mutant
houseguest to join my cause, so we may take over the airwaves! First television, then the world! Mwa ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...(and so on and so forth.)
Back to our lovely as always host, Ms. Trish "Julie Chen ain't got nothin' on me" Tilby.
Trish: Well, so concludes this portion of Big Brother 2. Find out the identities of another 3 or so houseguest in
our next installment, after a quick commercial break.
Which mutants made the final cut? Find out next time, on Big Brother 2: The Marvel Edition. (The suspense is
killing me! Ouch!)
Return to the INDEX
* we here at Le Château's BB2 do not support, condone, nor share Ms. Tilby's views on the intelligence of
accountants. Please do not sue. (P.S.-is it Tilby or Trilby? Please tell me!)
** I'm not sure if this is how you spell his name, or even if it is his name. Oh well.
Disclaimer: Big Brother belongs to CBS, I think. The Marvel characters belong to Marvel. Playboy belongs to
Hugh Hefner. Sex and the City belongs to HBO. I'm not sure if the song does or not. Julie Chen belongs
to CBS. All of these people/places/things were used without permission. No money is being made off this, obviously.
Also, all mutants in this story are taken out of context for comic effect, whether we like them or not.
Don't take offense at anyone's mis-portrayal. That is all.