9/15/03 - Season two is complete with the exception of episode 16. Season three is half done. At the bottom of the page I've started a section for some funny scenes that can't be described in words. Each of those has the episode it occurs in, a brief description, and how long into the episode it occurs.
Peter: Heh, ya know I feel kinda bad you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
Quagmire: Oh don't feel bad Peter.
Peter: Aw gee, I never thought of it like that.
Peter: Now kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag par--oh ho ho ho, I almost walked right into that one.
Stewie: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of...active grenades!
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli; it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane. [makes airplane sound]
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight. Ok, no broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then I-mph! [spits it out] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die.
[eerie music kicks in]
Peter: Meg, don't believe what they're saying. I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing.
TV: We now return to Star Trek
Peter: Holy Crap Uhura's black?
Peter: Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast animals, Slow Children.
Teacher: Well class, we WERE scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Captain Kirk: Alright men, this is a dangerous mission. And its likely one us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr Spock, Doctor McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Ahh crap.
William Shatner: [on his death-bed] Beam me up God.
Announcer: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you stand on one leg?
Guy: Sure.
Announcer: Would you act like a monkey? Guy: uh huh.
Announcer: Wo-Would you, would you kill a man?
Guy: Um...huh...uh well...[shoots gun][man screams]
Timmy: [at evil cheesy charlie's] I have 13 tickets now, is that enough?
Charlie: Oh, sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.
Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice-cream?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Man in White: [knocking on door] Hello? Is anybody home? [door shuts]
Stewie: Greatings Man in White, I've been expecting you.
Man in White: Who said that?
Stewie: Peek-a-boo, I see you. You're getting warmer...
Man in White: Where are you, what do you want?
Stewie: Freedom. What do you want?
Man in White: I want to get the hell out of here.
Stewie: Oh I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that. I'm afraid all we have left is untimely death.
Man in White: What the hell is this?
Stewie: Its a boy. [vaporizes man in white]
Quagmire: Now that's a woman! [looking at picture flash cards] That's a house, that's a fish, that's a bEe!
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Hey listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter: Now hang on a second there.
Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. [pause] Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!
Stewie: Machiavelli you've told me nothing I don't already know. Ah--Tsun Tsu's 'The Art of War'.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies; here, watch the Teletubbies. [turns on the tv]
Stewie: How dare you, that book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind--ooh, fuzzy. [on screen: giggle, tickles] God, the more I resist, the more intriguing they become. I can't look away. [on screen: giggle, again again] Yes, yes, again, again, oh dear god please once more.
Peter: Eh sorry Stewie, A and E biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.
Stewie: I'm free. Free from the spell of those diabolical teletubbies. Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
Guy 2: [laughs][shivers] I'm cold.
Meg: [trying to get a guy to notice her] I can't taste salt.
Peter: [in a horse costume with chris in rear] Uh, one please. [sneeze]
Ticket Booth Man: Wait a second, your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk! No, no, no, no, nothing about this adds up at all!
Peter: Oh my god. Brian, there's a message in my alphabits. It says "ooooooo."
Brian: Peter, those are cheerios.
Peter: I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent. Well, he he, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris: You mean play the piano?
Peter: No, no. She-[looks at chris]-yeah.
Stewie: You'll prance about this house like a cock on a walk, but will you be prancing when, when, when there's nothing to prance about? Hm? Will you be prancing then?
Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!
Lois: [with rolling pin]
Pillsbury Dough Boy: Nothing says I love you like something from... Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitc-mph [as he gets rolled over].
Peter: [writing a letter] Dear MacGuyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you.
Peter: My dad worked at that factory for sixty years. That's almost eighty years.
Chris: I didn't even know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!?!!
Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back. [pause] I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.
Stewie: [reading the bible] My my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing eachother to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Peter: [imagining hell--see's people playing poker] Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here?
Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
Chicken-Man: The world is going to end a midnight tonight. Y2K...
Peter: Y,2,K...What are you, selling chicken or sex jelly?
Chicken-Man: Haven't you heard? At midnight every computer in the world is going to fail. Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet.
Peter: Nooooooooooooo! [runs to rabbit]
Trix Rabbit: [about to eat trix]
Peter: [takes trix] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. [muttering to himself] Damned long-ears trying to take easter away from Jesus.
Peter: [to chicken-man] I, I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Lois: This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter: Bond...James Bond. All right Lois, I'll do it.
Peter: [at a bookstore] Yeah uh, I'm looking for toilet training books.
Clerk: Oh yes, we can help you there. Uh, "Everybody Poops" is still the standard of course, we've also got the less popular "Nobody Poops but You".
Peter: Huh, well, see, we're Catholic so uh...
Clerk: Oh then you want "You're a naughty child and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you".
Peter: Perfect!
Peter: C'mon Stewie, don't you want to pee in the toilet like a big boy.
Stewie: Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try. Why don't you put your hands right there [on the toilet seat], it'll help me relax.
Peter: Ok buddy. [toilet cover slams shut] Ahh! Heh, hey, maybe you don't have to pee. Hey I ought to just give you some beer, it goes right through you.
Stewie: Wonderful!, and while we're at it we could light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter: Ye-Yeah?
Stewie: Listen you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready. Until then, you shall continue to sanitize my crevice, and be DAMN greatful for the opportunity. Starting right, un, uhn, uhun. Well, not now, but soon!
Quagmire: What's all the noise boys? I was just jerk--ing out of a sound sleep.
Meg: Being a single mother is hard, but the real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack. Right Stewie?
Stewie: Whats that? Oh yes, yes, I love crack. I'm absolutely cookoo for crack.
Woman: Hello.
Quagmire: Hey, get the hell off my lawn--well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except english. Yo quiero pancakes. Dali mua pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes.
Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.
[african, indian, chinese, (not sure), eskimo, mexican babies laying in a semi-circle]
Chinese Baby: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea, let's go play swallow the stuff under the sink.
Lois: [at play audtions] Peter, what are you doing here?
Peter: Well Lois, I tried finding my creativity like you said. First I took an art class [drawing a nude model - "Am I, am I supposed to draw the penis?"], then I tried sculpting [sculpting a nude model - "Am I, am I supposed to sculpt the penis?"], then I tried music [conducting a symphony - "Am I, am I supposed to conduct with my penis?"]. I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at. Then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage!
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.
Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.
Peter: Why do women have boobs?...So you got something to look at while you're talkin' to 'em.
[Peter at workplace sensitivity training]
Ms. Ironbox. Allright now, lets do some roleplaying. I'll be the office assisstent. Mr. Henson, why don't you play the boss, and we'll see what you've learned tonight.
Mr. Henson: Ok.
Ms. Ironbox: The filing is done Mr. Henson
Mr. Henson: Thank you Ms. Ironbox, you are a valued member of our business team and every bit as important to this company as I am.
Ms. Ironbox: Excellent. Mr. Griffin, why don't you come up here and give it a try.
Peter: Allright
Ms. Ironbox: The filing is done Mr. Griffin
Peter: Thank you Ms. Ironbox, you are a valued member of our business team and I will give you a raise tommorow if you come to work without a shirt on.
Ms. Ironbox: [gasp] Mr. Griffin!
Peter: I'm, I'm sorry, that came out wrong. Let, Let me try again. ... Nice Ass.
Peter: I'm starving, how about a sandwich? [smacks Lois's ass]
Lois: Glad to have you back Peter.
Peter: Lois, less talky more fetchy.
Lois: I'm just going to assume thats Chinese for I love you.
Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler.
Peter: Wanna split it?
Chris: um Mr. McCloud, I didn't study for this test, but I got a good reason. I'm dying.
Mr. McCloud: Griffin that's the lamest excuse i've heard since Steinberg came up with that Jewish high-holiday crap. Steinberg! Take that hat off in my classroom.
Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?.
Peter: Oh yeah.
Peter: [Drinking the communion wine at church] Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.
Stewie's Flashback: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only, are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again!
Stewie: Ahh, the breakfast thing. Heh. Yes. I, it, it wasn't even about the eggs really. Frankly, I like the yokes. I, I, I don't, I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And, it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her, not to be alive, anymore. Ah, I some, I sometimes wonder if, if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself "My god, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Lois: [at a restuarunt eating a lobster] Meg, put your bib on.
Meg: I don't wanna wear a bib.
Lois: Meg honey, it's very cold in here, maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter: She means your nipples are sticking out.
Meg: MOM!
Chris: Ha ha ha ha ha! Nipples! Nipples!
Lady: [next to brian at a bar] I think you've had about enough.
Brian: Well I, I think, you're wrong, you increasingly attractive looking woman. You know, you're, you're really pretty.
Lady: Oh stop.
Brian: No I'm, I'm serious. You could, you could be in magazines. You, You could. And not just juggs or creamsicle.
Lady: [walks away]
Brian: Call me!
Brian: Hola! um...me, me llamo es Brian. ahh, yuh, um lets see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Mexican: Hey that was pretty good. But actually when you said "me llamo es Brian" you don't need the "es". Just "me llamo Brian".
Brian: Oh, you speak english.
Mexican: No just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You, You're kidding right?
Mexican: que?
Chris: OK Meg, I'm thinking of another word. This time, it's deffinately not "kitty".
Meg: Is it "kitty"?
Chris: Erhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
Teacher: A girl answered a math problem, you know what the means. A WITCH!
Man 1: Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil: I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbors.
Both: [laughter]
Phil: Come on, I'm buyin'.
Stewie: You know mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without 'nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. [nocks it off the table] Now clean it up!
Peter: wa-wa-wa-wai-wait a second. You're telling me I flew all the way to kentucky to get some of your fried chicken, and the, and the colonel isn't even working today?!
Cashier: He ain't away, he dead.
Peter: What?
Cashier: I say he dead.
Peter: [pause] Is Mr. Sanders in?
Cashier: What wrong with you? I say you he dead.
Peter: [long pause] The Colonel.
217 - He's Too Sexy for His Fat | Back to Episode List Security Guy: [at grocery store] Alright son, I'm gonna need those two hams back.
Chris: Wh- I don't have any hams.
Security Guy: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris: I need an adult, I need an adult!
Security Guy: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. huh. Sorry about that fatty-fat-fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya, fatty. You're just a big 'ol fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Valet: I'm sorry sir, you can't park your van on the diving board.
Lois: This is my son.
Valet: My apologies. Hey Tom, he's not a van, he's just a fat kid.
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
[Referring to the newly named country of Petoria]
Peter: I was gonna call it Peterland, but that Gay bar down by the airport already took it.
Peter: [Meg] you remember that pony you wanted when you were six? Well I bought him and i've been saving him for a time like this. SURPRISE! [open's closet door - pony skeleton inside] Oh god, that's right. Ponies, ponies like food don't they.
Cleveland : Remember when you went on [the gameshow] password?
[flashback]
Announcer: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall. The password is "flaming".
Peter: Yoouu...
Tony: Actor.
Peter: Yoouu...
Tony: Tony.
Peter: Yoouu...
Tom Tucker: What I did was wrong, and as an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwhig into my brain. Huh, kinda tickles. [inhales deeply through nose][falls down screaming in pain] Oh god! It's eating out the back of my eyes!
Peter as a child: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Tour guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
Peter's Last Brain Cell: Hello? Whe--where is everybody? I, I'm the only brain cell left! Well at least I have my books. [glasses fall off and shatter to pieces] No... no... no, that's not fair! That's not fair! There was time now! [crying] It's NOT FAIR!"
[doctor tries to give stewie a shot]
Stewie: What the deuce! [holds tongue depresser to nurses neck] Back off. Don't come any closer or I'll cut her. Well, I, I'll give her a, yuh, I'll give her a series of splinters, that, that could um, you know, become infected.
Stripper: How old are you?
Chris: Old enough to know you're a whore.
Stripper: [grabs his arm and takes him somewhere]
[side comment from me: chris is 13]
Chris: [whale watching] Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for son, and when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to seaworld.
Peter: Hey Chris, you wanna race? On you marks, get set, go! First one to that marker where that pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the states to get treatment for her severly burned face that she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her wins. I win. Yes! Yes!
Joe : Face it Peter, sooner or later you're going to have to pass the torch. I remember the first time Kevin beat me. Ha. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm. And then another. And then everything got a little hazy. Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while... Anyway, its inevetitable.
Peter: Aw don't feel bad Joe. I, I, I think I know why your son beat you. A-Ap-Apparently you're a twelve year old prepubescent girl. Wh-Which is good, cause I finally have someone to give this training bra to. Here you go Josefina. [putting the bra on Joe] Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms? Ahaha eh?
Joe: Get the hell off of me!
Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.
Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?
Doctor: No, its a tumor.
Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?
Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Rudolph: Oh. [pause] Like a happy special...
Doctor: You're going to die.
Meg: Hey everybody, guess what I am.
Stewie: Well the, the end result of a drunken back seat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?
Peter: [trips and falls] Um, Lois, um, go, go get the medical dictionary and, and look up fork, and lung.
Lois: Why?
Peter: Times a factor Lois.
Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggity Giggity Gig-gi-ty!
Peter: If Lois finds out I'm ditching her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. Which is why i'm going to drink this frying pan antidote. [gulp gulp] Alright, hit me with this.
Brian: [whacks peter]
Peter: Didn't work. [crashes onto floor]
Midget: [runs across screen] Out of me way, they're after me lucky charms.
Quagmire: Heh heh, I paid him ten bucks to say it. Heh heh. Classic.
Quagmire: [at a bar] Ok, that ones a feminist type, shes into he-men, and that ones mad for jazz. Heh. Watch this, "The plight of women in this hemisphere is diplorable, I can bench press 800 pounds, you, me and coltrane 'til dawn. Giggity Giggity giggity giggity. Heh, there you go Peter, one for you, two for me.
[Death on his date with the pet shop girl at a cafe.]
Girl: I like animals.
Death: Uh huh.
Girl: 'cause they're like people, just, little furry people.
Death: Yeah, um, hey! You ever go on the internet? They got some cool stuff there on that internet.
Girl: Oh yeah. I bought these shoes from a company on the internet, because they don't test on animals.
Death: wow. [big sigh]
Girl: You know, animals never have war. War, is an invention of mankind.
Death: What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time.
Girl: Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.
Death: [stares at her][touches her arm]
Girl: [falls down dead in her soup]
Death: Check please.
Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Yo, you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Chris: I found my baby book! Hey...here's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois: And the resulting lawsuit that bought us this house. [kisses chris] You're my favorite mistake.
Chris: You see Meg, I'm the favorite!
Sam: [throwing stones into a pond]
Chris: Are you mad at that pond?
Sam: Shoot no. 'course this pond did kill my grandpappy. He saw his reflection in the water, thought it was him, and drowned trying to save himself.
Chris: That's why my mom won't let me look in the toilet.
Peter: [at a job interview]
Boss: So peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [Looks at bosses family picture][in his head: Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife.] Doing your....son?
Brian: [smells deeply at female dogs ass][people look at him] Sorry, uh, I, I thought I smelled...cookies.
Mort: Wow! Does it really smell like cook--oh god, she farted, and it went down my throat.
Peter: [in french class]
Teacher: In french, when you want to say yes, you say "wee wee".
Peter: You gotta be kidding me! Oh my god, that is hysterical. Ah Ha Ha! Oh man, what do you say for no, "doo doo"? Ah Ha Ha! Hey I'll be right back, I gotta take a wicked yes.
Lois: [bathroom door shuts][talking about brian] Was, was he just mastur-
Peter: Yes.
Lois: Oh my.
Peter: Do we, do we rub his nose in it?
Peter: Ok guys, we're playing Texas Hold'em
Ted Turner: Are aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
Bill Gates: Heh, he said they go both ways.
Everyone but Ted: [laughing]
Ted Turner: Like a bisexual.
Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke.
Meg: Oh-my-god!
Mr. Pewderschmit: He's violating seabrees.
Peter: No no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself--now he's violating seabrees.
Motel Owner: This is the bathroom but watch out, we got some bad roaches here.
Roach 1: Hey! You're on our turf man.
Roach 2: Hey man, I, I cut you, I cut you up so bad, you, you gonna, you gonna wish I no cut you up so bad.
Brian: Those are bad roaches.
Motel Owner: I blame the schools.
[right before Brian gets neutered]
Peter: [sigh] I am not looking forward to what you are going to be like once they do this to you.
Brian: Mmm! I loOove chocolate. But I can't eat it. Because then i'll get fat. But it's soOo good.
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Balewolfe having sex with Robert Faulton at the first battle of Antietem. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's reskalnikof filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?
Chris: Yo did you all check me when that hottie was all up in my cool aid? Yeah I was looking to break off a little sumthin sumthin, but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling bling.
Peter: [slams on the car breaks]
Lois: Peter, whats wrong?
Peter: He's speaking in tongues Lois. Our son is possessed. [takes out a bible] Meg start at psalm 41 and don't stop reading until I tell you. [splashes chris with holy water] The power of christ compels you!
Chris: [screaming]
Peter: The power of christ compels you!
Chris: [screaming]
Lois: Peter stop! He's not possessed.
Meg: Yeah, he's just taking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter: Oh, well, that's kinda weird.
[Stewie talking to himself in a mirror when he becomes a cheerleader]
Stewie: Ugh! Look at how fat you are. You disgust me. Oink! Oink! fatty. Oh yes, yes, you'll take butter on that english muffin won't you? Because you're the cheerleading squad's token blimp! You don't deserve to eat! [runs to toilet and throws up]
Stewie: [searching girl's locker room] 'Your Body and You', Every four weeks for three to four days it is entirely normal for every young woman to--Oh my god! Oh! That's the most disgusting thing i've ever heard in my life! Ugh!
Stewie: [hiding in girl's locker] Oh! They're getting nude! Well I mustn't watch, its not the proper thing to--Whoa! I say, nice ones Jenine. And look at Lisa in all of her curvacious glory. Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been striken with rigamortous.
Quagmire: [finds Cindi tied up and gagged on the men's bathroom floor] Dear Diary: Jackpot!
Adam West: [talking to his right hand] You are a filthy whore.
Judge: Dearly beloved, we are gather here to join these two in holy matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Adam West: [with wedding veil on right hand][left hand raises] Quiet down! You had your chance.
Chris: When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants, I had to keep it there for a whole week. Ha! What a week!
Brian: [giving out hickory farms samples] Um, excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Guy: [punches brian in the face.]
Pearl Burton: You're one phone call away from getting a human booster shot from a guy named molly.
Peter: What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Quamire: Is it possible she's a whore? [pause] You know, just on weekends; to help pay for her mother's dialysis. As in my fantasy. [pause] Allright, you know, lets just start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
Announcer: And now back to The Newlywed Game.
Host: Kiyero, how did Nick answer the following, "The last thing I would ever give my wife is, blank"
Kiyero: A little spending money.
Host: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Nick actually said, "The Antidote."
Kiyero: Nick what are you talking abou--[falls down dead]
Doctor: Excuse me, aren't you Peter, the human stuntbag?
Peter: Well, that all depends on who's asking.
Doctor: I'm a doctor about to conduct an experimental procedure to give bones to a jellyfish. But I'd like to try it on a human first. Interested?
Peter: Well...I dunno.
Doctor: Interested?
Peter: Didn't you just say that?
Doctor: Yes.
Peter: I'll do it.
Counte: Six, six bats! Seven, seven bats! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahh!
Peter: Hey, is the Counte a vampire?
Brian: Whats that?
Peter: Well, he, he's got those big fangs. Have, have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're, You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Counte kills somebody, and then sucks their blood for sustenence?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No they've never done that.
Chris: Hey Hector, how long have we known each other?
Hector: Since first grade.
Chris: Yeah, yeah. You 'member that time you called me Chris Gristle?
Hector: I think so.
Chris: Well burn for it!! [sets him on fire]
Doctor: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
Mayor West: Oh my.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Mayor West: I see.
Doctor: What in god's name were you trying to prove?
Mayor West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
Doctor: Well thats just silly.
Mayor West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes. [long pause]
Peter: You with your big words, and your, and your small difficult words
Adam West as a Child: [in a bedsheet pretending to be a ghost] If we only had a teacup this would be like playing "find the teacup in the bedsheet" like I do with my Aunt Sophia.
Quagmire: Good thing we swore off women so we wouldn't be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth.
Peter: Yes. Hey, you watch the ticker, i'm gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
Peter: [watching a bag float in the wind - american beauty spoof] Oh, look, its dancing with me. Its like there is some incredibly benevelant force that wants wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world it makes my heart burst.
God: It's just some trash blowing in the wind. Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?!!
Peter: Oh no Lois. A guy at work bought a car out of the paper once. Ten years later, BAM. Herpes
-----------------Snippets----------------------
201 - “diamonds - she’d pretty much have to” (7:23)
202 - "Do Not Pull" (17:34)
207 - Einstein steals shrinky dinks from god (4:22)
208 - Peter wishes he was a mother (15:40)
210 - Peter first notices girls, 8th grade orientation (2:22)
211 - Walt Disney abuses minnie (10:09)
212 - ronald mcdonald's daughter (4:27)
- chris to soccer practice, stuff animals (16:44)
215 - "evil monkey in the closet", points at chris from staircase. (4:41)
217 - peter licks his man-breast (~7:00)
218 - steven sigal movie. (5:11)
221 - "evil monkey in the closet", points at chris from window. (3:34)
303 - electric pencil sharpener "accident". (12:20)
311 - "evil monkey in the closet", points at chris from closet. (12:54)
