Interview with Saruman

My interview with Saruman. I stopped by Isengard the other day, on my way to T.G.I. Afteryule's in Rohan, and decided to have a chat with Saruman. ME:So, you're Saruman the White-- SARUMAN:NO! I am...SARUMAN, OF MANY COLORS! ME:So I see. You stole that from Joseph, you know. SARUMAN:I did not! ME:Well, anyway, Saruman-- SARUMAN:That's: SARUMAN OF MANNNNNY COLORS! ME:Yes...well, anyway, I wanted to ask you about the new Lord of the Rings movie. SARUMAN:It's an ill-advised feature film! Come, come, we must overthrow New Line Cinema, and we will share the stock options! ME:Yes, yes, I see! SARUMAN:We must use our combined strength, and vandalize their cars, and send them threatening letters! ME:Of course! How could I have been so blind? SARUMAN:And then we must STRIKE! ME:(slowly backing away):Yes, yes! SARUMAN:And then--hey! Where're you going, Interviewer? ME:Uh...to storm New Line Cinema! SARUMAN:Oh, right! Well, take some Orcs along, then. Boys! You're carpooling with this nice gentleman! ME:Oh boy... (TO BE CONTINUED)

Interview with Smeagol

ME:Thank you for joining us again, Smeagol. SMEAGOL:Gollum! We don't minds it, Precious. ME:Good. What can you tell us about Sean Bean. SMEAGOL:Oh, it likes riddles, Precious? ME:Not really, no, I just-- SMEAGOL:If it asks us, and we don't answer, we does what it wants! We tells it about Sean Bean! But if we asks, and it doesn't answer...we eats, it, My Precious! ME:I'm really not in the mood for this... SMEAGOL:Alive without breath, as cold as death-- ME:A fish. SMEAGOL:Erggh, not fair, Precious! It cannot be seen, it cannot be felt-- ME:Dark. SMEAGOL:Gollum! How does it know, Precious?! ME:I've read all the books. Now, then, I'll wrap this up, quick. What have I got in my-- SMEAGOL:Pocketses? ME:No, my 1983 Yugo. SMEAGOL:*gasp*It cannot ask us what's in it's nasssty little Yugoses! Not fair! Well...it must give us three guesses, Precious, three guesses! ME:Very well. SMEAGOL:Tire ironses? ME:No. SMEAGOL:Hmm...cup holderses, Precious? ME:Wrong again, last guess. SMEAGOL:Seat covers, or nothing! ME:Wrong. Now, what about Sean Bean? SMEAGOL:But what has it got in it's Yugoses? ME:That's my secret, now about Sean Bean-- SMEAGOL:WHAT HAS IT GOT IN IT'S YUGOSES!? ME:Never mind, I'm wasting my time, here... SMEAGOL:We hates the interviewer! WE HATES IT, WE HATE IT FOREVER!

Interview with Bombadil

One of my continuing interviews with "Rings" characters about the new films. ME:Hello, Mr. Bombadil. TOM:Ho, there m'lad, use more words, not fewer! Musn't be to brief, if you'd be an interveiwer! ME:Sorry, Mr. Bombadil. So, what's your assessment of the new Lord of the Rings movie? TOM:Hey dol derry dol, ring-a-ding spectre! It's got a fine producer and a splendind director! ME:I see. And what do you know about the movie? TOM:Everything, my boy. Old Tom was there when the first planning sessions were held, and when the prop men came to design the sets, he was already there, he's seen the first script drafts, and he danced among the first pages that hit the cutting room floor. ME:Thank you. And, what exactly do you do? TOM:I run through the studio, singing like a starling, "Come derry dol, merry dol, me darling!". ME: Well, thank you, Mr. Bombadil, I believe I have all I need. TOM:Dark came underhill, like the devil's pageant, I'll see you later, lad, I must find my agent!

Interview with Gandalf

My interview with Gandalf. ME:Hello, sir. GANDALF:Hello. You don't mind if I blow smoke rings, do you? ME:No, go right ahead. Now, what can you tell us about the script of the Fellowship movie? GANDALF(hands me the script):Here, read it for yourself. ME:I-I cannot read the fiery letters. GANDALF:No, but I can. It is Burbankish, in an ancient mode, but the language is that of Hollywood, which I will not utter here. But here is what it says in English, close enough. "One movie above them all, One movie tried and true, One movie strong enough, to compete with Star Wars:Episode Two!" It is only part of an ancient rhyme-- ME: I think I get the idea. Could you summarize, please? GANDALF:Certainly. The script is secret, and you can't read it.

Interview with Sauron

ME:Here I am, in the presence of the Dark Lord of all evil in Middle Earth. So, Lord Sauron, any thoughts? [Deadly silence.] ME:Yes, I see, very enlightening. What're the special effects going to be like? [Dark foreboding.] ME:Really? Well, that's very flashy, even for /this/ movie, should be a great finish. Who do you suppose will be playing you? [Evil dark coldness.] ME:Oh, I hope not. I'd rather it was Sean connery, personally. Finally, can we expect a poseable Sauron action figure? [Pure blind hatred and wickedness.] ME:Well, thank you Sauron, you've been very informative.

Interview with Gimli

My interview with Gimli the Dwarf, son of Gloin. ME:How are you doing, Gimli? GIMLI:(with arabian accent)I'm not sure what you mean, Indy! ME:That another role. GIMLI:Oh, right, right! Well, then, Quinn, if we just adjust the timer's interdimension feedback coil-- ME:Wrong again. Nevermind, I can see I'm not going to get anywhere. Thank you for your time.

Interview with Grima Wormtongue

I had the oppurtunity, recently, to have a heart-to-heart with good old Grima Wormtongue: ME:Good morning, Grima. GRIMA:No, no, interveiwer, it's not good at all! It forbodes of death, death! We must stay here, don't move, Interveiwer! ME:I was just going to ask you some questions about the movie, and-- GRIMA:No, no, I beseech you, it's far too dangerous! Forget the movie, it'll pass us by if we don't bother it! ME:But-- GRIMA:Fool! Grogsmoth I name you, boat-rocker, bringer of bad tidinggs from the Tolkien fandom! Go! Go away! ME:Okay, fine, I'm leaving--*grumbling*What ever happened to Theoden's freedom of the press edicts, huh?

Back to the main page