Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Elmtree at TolkienOnline.com

(Gandalf has just finished telling his tale to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. After her attack on the Nazgul, Arwen has again disappeared) ARAGORN :Gandalf, I am very glad to see you back! I may be the rightful king of Gondor, but I can't make a coherent decision without you around! So, what do we do now? GANDALF: Got me. But Let me show you this nifty horse! (he whistles, and Shadowfax comes racing up. He is a beautiful grey-white horse with a marking that looks just like a SADDLE on his back. Following him are the horses that the Cow-Knights gave Aragorn and company. ARAGORN (striding forward): My horse! (Aragorn slips and falls to the ground.) ARAGORN: OUCH! (Horse comes forward, grabs Aragorn's cloak in his teeth, and yanks him into an upright position. Just then, the sound of a marching Army is heard. We see ARWEN leading a contingent of Rivendell Elves, in appropriate autumnal colors, and HALDIR leading a contingent of Samurai Lorien Elves, bearing Katanas ) ARAGORN: My love! You're back! (he mounts his horse in order to ride forward to meet her, but mounts with too much effort, catapults himself over the back of the horse, and falls to the ground.) Aragorn: OUCH! (Horse yanks him up again.) LEGOLAS (to the approaching Arwen): Where did you meet up with this elven army? ARWEN: I ran back to Rivendell to tell Daddy ze Rohanese ver in trouble! He zent help! Everyone knows how helpful Elves are! Just look at Santa! LEGOLAS: But where did the Lorien elves come from? ARWEN: I ztopped in Lorien on the vay back. Ve are off to defend Helms Deep! But you must go to warn King Theoden zat Saruman iz going to attack! GANDALF: Good idea! the men of Rohan will have no clue trouble is coming if we do not warn them! ARAGORN: They never were too bright. Onward to Meduseld! (his horse rears up, and he falls off backwards) ARAGORN: Ouch! (you know what happens next)...

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

EXTERN SHOT- Three silouhettes of HORSES ride across the plains... the first mighty horse has a figure with a BEARD and a tall hat that refuses to blow off with the wind... The second HORSE is being carried by a monstrous female figure, with a tiny kingly FIGURE riding the HORSE. The last HORSE has an elven and a dwarfen figure riding on it. A small train of what appears to be SAUSAGES THAT WERE ONCE POT ROAST(To be known from now on as "THE SAUSAGE FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST, or TSFKAPR) dangle from the last horse, holding on for dear life. ARAGORN(pointing) There it is! GANDALF No you dolt! That's another rock! ARAGORN(pointing) Well, is THAT it? GANDALF No! LEGOLAS & GIMLI Are we there yet? GANDALF By the sacred fire of the illuvatar, NO WE ARE NOT! GIMLI I don't feel good... (Sound of hurling) LEGOLAS Gandalf! Gimli got vomit all over my elven cloak! SILOUETTE of HORSES riding through an open field with one single tree standing to one side. One of the branches manages to club the LEAD RIDER in the head. GANDALF Ouch! The HAT miraculously stays on. FADE TO BLACK FADE IN The RIDERS now approach the GOLDEN HALL GIMLI(Wiping vomit from beard) They'd better have some good DWAAARRRVEN ALE! in there, or I'm gonna git real cranky-like... HAMA HALT! I am the door war.... GANDALF lifts his STAFF and lightning flies from it. HAMA is now a tiny pile of ash on the ground. ARAGORN sneezes and it blows away. GANDALF You see? Now THAT is good screenwriting! One quick second, some amazing special effects that people flock to the theatre to see, and a good 5 minutes of dialogue are no longer necessary!! ARAGORN Absolutely amazing! That PJ guy sure is good! ALL Hooray for PETER JACKSON! Hooray!! (Moment of director's self-indulgence passes...) GIMLI takes a closer look at the Golden Hall... GIMLI Is this... is this real gold? GIMLI looks around... FADE TO inside Theoden's throne room. GIMLI seems to have gained weight, and he makes a metallic rattling when he walks. Bits of BROKEN GOLD fall out his pant legs occasionally. THEODEN sits on his throne, looking like a withered old man. GANDALF hits his head on one of the rafters. GANDALF Ouch! ARAGORN trips over the front stair, and bruises his knee.. ARAGORN Ouch! ARAGORN's HORSE suddenly appears behind him, and lifts him gently to his feet. LEGOLAS How did that horse get in here? The SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST shrugs. THEODEN Why come you to my throne? GANDALF We have come to help. WORMTONGUE No they haven't! THEODEN No, you haven't! GANDALF Yes we have! THEODEN You have? You mean Wormtongue's been lying to me all this time? OUT FOUL CREATURE! THEODEN picks WORMTONGUE up and THROWS HIM OUT THE WINDOW THEODEN Strange... suddenly I feel better... Somewhere in the action the older THEODEN gets replaced by a younger HARRISON FORD in his INDIANA JONES days. THEODEN I'm getting too old for this... GIMLI(under his breath) Tell me about it... Suddenly, EOWYN enters the room EOWYN Did you just kick Grima out? Because I just saw the bugger rifling through my underwear drawer packing a suitcas... EOWYN sees ARAGORN. ARAGORN sees EOWYN. MUSIC swells, and the two look DREAMILY into each other's eyes. ARWEN slaps ARAGORN hard, and ARAGORN reels. ARWEN You only haff eyes for me, is dat not right, my love? Or else... ARWEN pulls ARAGORN's face to hers... ARWEN I take dose eyes OUT, you gots dat? ARAGORN nods frantically... To be continued...

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

THEODEN Everyone follow me! We're off to do battle at Helm's Deep! EVERYONE gets ready... THEODEN ...Except for Eowyn. She stays behind. EOWYN Again? Can't I help the unwashed masses find shelter in the caves behind Helm's Deep? THEODEN No, we have no pity for those who have not read the books! (BA-DUM CHING!) With a flurry, everyone rides forth to battle. THEODEN leads, followed by everyone else. DRAMATIC SHOTS of a mighty army tearing across a beautiful landscape ensue, with majestic mountain peaks and beautiful plains. Text appears at the bottom: "NEW ZEALAND WELCOMES YOU! Call the New Zealand Department of Tourism now for your free brochure!" FINALLY the company arrives at Helm's Deep. The ORCS are already there, munching on some babies that were conveniently nearby. The DEEP is guarded by an army of ELVES decked out in beautiful AUTUMNAL COLORS, but they are easily outnumbered by the Orcs. THEODEN CHARG... ARWEN NO!! Let ME handle dis!! Before THEODEN finishes his call, the Elven warrior princess lunges forward! ARWEN AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA! Nothing, Orc, wildman or sheep can stand up to the mighty whirlwind that is Arwen. Her sword is a blaze of flashing light, her hands are death brought to life. She cuts a swath through the Uruk army like a mower through a field, until at last nothing is left but a field of dismembered corpses. Arwen stands triumphantly in the center. ARWEN See? No problem! THEODEN'S ARMY stands agape. GIMLI AND LEGOLAS look at each other. They shrug. Legolas steps forward, up to one of the corpses on the ground. He looks at it, then back at GIMLI. He kicks the corpse, with a metallic CLANG. LEGOLAS One. GIMLI walks up to a different corpse and kicks it's head. CLANG. GIMLI One. LEGOLAS repeats the above with another corpse. LEGOLAS Two. ARAGORN whispers to EOMER What are they doing? EOMER I dunno... maybe something got lost in the script? CUT BACK TO GIMLI and LEGOLAS GIMLI(slightly dejected) umm... twenty. LEGOLAS (clink!) Twenty three. THEODEN'S ARMY stares at these two in confusion. UNIDENTIFIED EXTRA Hey, where'd Gandalf go? ARAGORN(Looks around) Hey, where is the old coot? (cough) I mean, where is the mighty and noble wizard? EOMER Last time I saw him was back at that inn, I told him he had five minutes to use the bathroom or we'd leave without him! ARAGORN So we just left a mighty Maiar behind because of his bowel problems? EOMER Hey, you can't keep ten thousand armed soldiers waiting ALL DAY! GIMLI Thirty...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

The Madness of Orthanc: ------------------- ARWEN: "Vell, that was too eazy! Thoze Orcs are rather stopid, yah?" GIMLI (sounded dejected): "Well, I was supposed to say something about not being tied if you give me a row of Orc necks to swing at, but you took them all for yourself. I'm just gonna go and get drunk." LEGOLAS (Also dejected): "That's your answer for everything! Can I join you?" LEGOLAS and GIMLI start getting drunk on Dwaaarrvvveennn Ale, which somehow came along with the Elllvveeennn Army. GANDALF comes running in, belches loudly, and says: "Man, I should not have had those tacos! Anyway, it's off to Isenguard! Come along everyone - there'll be lots of neat stuff there!" ALL OF THE ARMIES follow GANDALF to Isenguard. Along the way, LEGOLAS stops and looks at a collection of trees and says: "Eyes! I see eyes in the trees?! Are those Ents!?" GANDALF (looking hard at the trees): "No, you're just drunk. Treebeard is still a bit high, so his pals couldn't make it. I'm just glad we had Arwen here to help us." NEEDLESS FIVE MINUTES OF ARWEN FLEXING FOR THE CAMERAS. THE ARMIES WALK ON: THEODEN: "Must we go this way, where so many good Riders now lie?" GANDALF (looking confused): "Nobody died, you kingship?! Thank goodness we had Arwen here to help us!" NEEDLESS FIVE MINUTES OF ARWEN FLEXING FOR THE CAMERAS. THE ARMIES WALK ON. They soon reach a pillar with a White Hand set atop it. The Hand is giving them the middle finger. GANDALF: "Well, that seems like an invitation to me, but I'm not too bright. Onwards!" THE ARMY REACHES the Gates of Isenguard. EVERYTHING IS STILL INTACT!!! A horde of ENTS is standing around outside, but they seem to be lost in thought. GANDALF (to TREEBEARD): "AARGGHH!!! What is the meaning of this?! You were suppossed to destroy this place?! You stupid, overgrown weed! What is your problem?!" LONG PAUSE: TREEBEARD: "Well.... It's like this... We were thinking of doing it, but then I said, 'don't be hasty.' which is good advice, and you know how us Ents are, so we got thinking about it, and figured that it would be easier to wait until Saruman can't pay his rent, and then just toss him out, unless of course..." THE GATES OF ISENGUAURD OPEN! SARUMAN (voice over): "Ah, you have arrived, Gandalf, and see that you've finally gotten around to doing your laundry. Anyway, I welcome you to Isenguard - where you will die! HAHAAHAHAHAH!!!" THEODEN: "I thought he was subtle?!" GANDALF: "Villans are never subtle!" The FELLOSHIP, THEODEN, and a few others walk into Isenguard. Please don't ask why they didn't bring the whole army. ISENGUARD is a vast, bowl shaped valley that is devoid of life. Roads lead out from Orthanc, which lies at its center, and the roads are lined with columns that are all topped with nicely polished skulls. Orthanc itself is a big, creepy tower with a huge skull on top. The company reaches the doors of Orthanc. GANDALF: "Come down Saruman, and I won't kill you too much!" SUDDENLY, the GROUND SHAKES and ORCS start popping out of wierd, pod-like plants that come slithering out of holes in the earth. ARWEN gets busy killing them while everyone else, aside from GANDALF, hides behind THEODEN's wide behind. SUDDENLY, the DOORS to ISENGUARD slide open with a hiss, and a figure stands before GANDALF. He is clad in robes of many colors, and a hood hides his face. He is wielding a large staff. GANDALF (to Theoden): "We'll handle this." Then, GANDALF and RADAGAST (who came here out of nowhere) ignite their light-staves just as the evil wizard lights his double-bladed light-staff! SARUMAN leaps towards the two good guys, and the whole scene slows down and becomes a Matrix-like battle as the three exchange blows in slow motion. The battle proceeds insanely, with the wizards running up the side of Orthanc, leaping across absurd distances, and tossing fireballs at each other whenever they have a free hand. SUDDENLY, RADAGAST is CUT DOWN! He drops to the ground and says: "Avenge me, brother!" He vanishes, leaving only his robes behind. SARUMAN laughs evily and fires a stream of fireballs at Gandalf! GANDALF: "Trinity, help!!!" GANDALF proceeds to do a Neo-like dodge of Saruman's fireballs. Then, the scene somehow changes to a BRIDGE ABOVE A BOTTOMLESS PIT. SARUMAN (Removing his sunglasses that were not there in the previous scene.): "I am going to enjoy watching you die, Mister Gandalf." They then proceed to have to a light-staff duel much like that in The Empire Strikes back. SARUMAN cuts off the top of GANDALF'S HAT, but the battle continues. Then, GANDALF cuts off SARUMAN'S hand, and his staff falls into the pit. GANDALF: "I am Gandalf the White - you have no color now, and I cast you from the Council! HA!" SARUMAN (as his robes lose all their colors): "No... It cannot be... Are you my father?" SARUMAN falls into the bottomless pit. MEANWHILE, the attack of the ORCISH POD PEOPLE was stopped when PIPPIN READ PASSAGES OF THE LORD OF THE RINGS and thus made all of the ORCISH POD PEOPLE vanish. GANDALF returns to the group, carrying RADAGAST'S light-staff. Everyone is standing around dumbly as the wizard says: "Well, perhaps this staff will be useful, should another Istari arise." YODA: "Always two there are, yes... A master and his apprentice..." GANDALF: "Yeah, I know that. I've still gotta kick Sauron's rear!" ARWEN: "But I thought that was MY job!" GANDALF: "You'll get your chance!" MERRY walks in, carrying the PALANTIR. He says: "Uh, here's that stone that was tossed out the window." EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM BLANKLY. MERRY: "You know - the one that Wormtongue threw?" GANDALF: "Wormtongue? Didn't we toss HIM out of window a few scenes back? Oh, well - I'll take that!" GANDALF takes the Stone and then says: "Well, I am off to Gondor - I've gotta get there before the bad guys! You can come along, Pippin!" PIPPIN hops onto the horse, and GANDALF follows, but he falls off. SHADOWFAX bolts away with Pippin screaming. LEGOLAS: "Man, White wizards can't jump!"

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

"LATER THAT NIGHT..." After GANDALF fell off his horse, he decided to rest for the night since his rear was sore. Fortunately, somebody was kind enough to bring back PIPPIN and SHADOWFAX. GANDALF and the rest are sleeping in the open fields near Orthanc. They are dim-witted enough not to leave any guards... don't ask why. PIPPIN gets up, belches loudly, and says to himself: "Gee, I shouldn't have drank all that Dwarrrvvveennnn Ale before sleeping. I gotta take a leak..." After find a nearby tree, Pippin returns and notices that Gandalf is sleeping with hit head on the Stone. Pippin: "Boy, that wizard is a dolt - he can't tell the difference between a rock and a pillow. Hey, I wonder what that stone is good for, anyway..." PIPPIN sneaks closer and grabs the stone away in one quick motion. GANDALF's head hits the ground with a hollow "clunk!" and the wizard begins snoring absurdly loudly. PIPPIN sneaks off to look into the stone. He rubs it like a crystal ball and mutters silly phrases over it, all in Latin (of course), thus proving that he is educated. SUDDENLY, the crystal bal- er... palantir is filled with swirling colors. PIPPIN: "Groovy!" Images take form in the orb: A vast Tower of Darkness, standing above the surrounding lands with a huge skull on top, ten winged shapes darting about the Tower and eclipsing the moons and stars, and a vast, armored figured who was laughing insanely while wielding a huge sword... PIPPIN: "AARRGGHH!!!!" GANDALF and the rest run up to him. GANDALF'S beard has fallen off in his haste, and he is putting it back on while saying: "What did you see?! What was there?" PIPPIN: "I saw HIM - the DARK LORD!!!" GANDALF: "HUH?! How did you know about that stuff?!" PIPPIN (sounding hurt): "I read the Lord of the Rings too, you know... And what the heck is Arwen doing in all these scenes?!" GANDALF: "Name her not!" PIPPIN: "Well, I sure learned my lesson: don't steal, don't do drugs, and stay in school!" GANDALF: "Thank you for that public service announcement. Now can we get back to sleep?" ARAGORN: "Hey, dude - that Stone is mine!" GOLLUM: "No! Me wants the Precious!" EVERYONE looks at GOLLUM with confused expressions. ARAGORN: "Uh... we're not talking about the Ring, and aren't you supposed to be in Mordor?" GOLLUM vanishes. ARAGORN: "Now, Gandalf, give me the Ring... uh, Palantir!" GANDALF: "Let's play Keep Away From Aragorn!" The heroes then proceed to toss the Palantir about, each one throwing it before Aragorn can get it. Finally, Arwen lobs the Stone a mile or so because of her absurd strength. Arwen: "Zorry, my luv! I will go vith you to get it!" The two depart, and GANDALF proceeds to go back to sleep, snoring loudly. The scene ends with the Hobbits getting into the Dwaaarrrvveeennnn Ale again... Next page (Page 9)

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