Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

THE THING GOES EVEN MORE SOUTH SCENE: The Fellowship of the Thing are trekking through the Misty Mountains. Snow is falling. Oh, this is boring. Cut to BOROMIR blowing his war-horn. HORN: HAROOOOOOOM!!! HAROOOOOOOM!!! (This starts off an avalanche which buries the entire Fellowship. ARWEN's powerful arms are seen digging a hole out of the snow. She digs out each member of the Fellowship in turn). FRODO (angrily shaking snow off himself) Bloody hell, Boromir! Will you STOP doing that! BOROMIR Sorry, Thing-bearer. Hey, why ARE you the Thing-bearer, by the way? I was just wondering ... SAM (darkly) Don't trust him, Mr Frodo, he keeps looking at you in a funny way! PIPPIN (pertly) Well, YOU keep looking at Frodo in a funny way and I don't see him complaining! FRODO (going red) Shut up, Pippin! MERRY (soothingly) Pip - give it a rest, mate. ARWEN (cheerfully) Now boyz, ztop arguing. Vat vould you do wizzout me to look after you all, huh? FRODO (muttering) We might have a decent script, for one thing ... GANDALF Now, everybody, the avalanche has neatly cut off the Redhorn Pass so we can't cross the mountains that way. Our only hope is go to through the Mines of Moria. (Ominous music suddenly plays). EVERYBODY Oh no! Not - the Mines of Moria! ARAGORN I too have passed the Dimrill Stair but the memory is very evil. I do not wish to enter Moria a second time. ARWEN Und vy is zat, dahlink? ARAGORN Er ... I can't remember. No doubt the scriptwriters will tie that particular loose thread up. (ARWEN pinches his cheek fondly. ARAGORN winces visibly). FRODO Wait a minute, everybody ... what about the Wargs? EVERYBODY What about them? FRODO Well, they're supposed to turn up around now. PIPPIN The crows, the crows! FRODO No, I said Wargs! PIPPIN (yelling in alarm) The crows! The crows! They're looking at us in a funny way! (The Fellowship suddenly notice a huge flock of crows diving towards them). GANDALF Duck, you fools! (Everybody ducks.) GIMLI (waving his axe at the crows) Shove off, you overstuffed buzzards! ARAGORN Those crows are evil! They are spies of Sauron! His arm has grown long! GIMLI His arm's grown bloody long if he can lob a bunch of crows at us from blinkin' Barad-dur! LEGOLAS No, Gimli, you ignorant oik, that's just a figure of speech. But I wouldn't expect an uncouth, intellectually challenged child of Aule to know that. (A sub-title appears on the screen. It says: 'Aule'.) GIMLI Now listen here, you Silvan ponce ... (A sub-title appears on the screen. It says: 'Silvan'.) ARWEN (squeezing ARAGORN'S arm for no other reason than the fact he is standing next to her. He winces visibly.) Boyz, boyz, boyz! All zis arguing! FRODO Arwen's right. We should be demonstrating a true spirit of fellowship and solidarity and, you know, really get into that male bonding stuff. SAM (under his breath) Any time, Mr Frodo sir. You just say the word. MERRY (yawning) Sorry, but I'm bored. Where are the Wargs again? (Right on cue, a sinister howling starts. A pack of Wargs bound into the clearing and start chasing the Fellowship round a tree. The Wargs are then shot with arrows by LEGOLAS, kicked by BILL the PONY and the POT ROAST, and cut to pieces with swords by ARWEN, ARAGORN, and EVERYBODY ELSE. Then GANDALF sets fire to all the trees and the Wargs run off again.) ARAGORN (shouting) The arm of Sauron has grown long! LEGOLAS Metaphorically speaking. GIMLI (muttering) Show-off! GANDALF Right, that was a bracing little interlude! How much screen-time does the Thing-bearer reckon? FRODO About thirty seconds. GANDALF Not bad, not bad. No need to wait for the Director's Cut then! (And so the Fellowship of the Thing journey to the Doors of Moria. BILL the PONY and the POT ROAST are carried by ARWEN, LEGOLAS carries GIMLI ... you get the picture). Next chapter: A JOURNEY IN THE DARK.

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

A JOURNEY IN THE DARK: ------------------------- The Fellowship is trudging through the wilderness, heading towards the Mines of Moria. It is late evening and clouds speckle the sky as the moon rises. ARAGORN: "We are doomed." GANDALF: "For the LAST TIME - will you stop saying that?! It does not make you look more heroic." LEGOLAS: "Look, up in the sky!" FRODO: "Is it a bird?" MERRY: "Is is a plane" SAM: "Is it a man wearing tight tights?" LEGOLAS: "No, you dolts - it's a black shadowy thing. Probably one of those winged Nazgul we've heard about." EVERYONE looks at him blankly. LEGOlAS: "Oh, come on! Didn't you guys read the Lord of the Rings?" GIMLI: "Yeah, I think so... While I was drinking some strong, Dwarrrvveeennn Ale." GANDALF: "Wasn't there something about Sauron not sending the Nazgul across the River yet? Could this be some sort of plot-hole in the Master's Work?" THUNDERCLOUDS gather directly over GANDALF and lightning flashes. GANDALF: "Okay! Okay! I take it back!" THUNDERCOULDS depart. GIMLI: "Well, considering how long Sauron's arm is, I guess he could stick a Nazgul on our trails." GANDALF (sobbing): "Aarrgghh!!! That's a metaphorical arm!?!!" GIMLI: "Where? And what's a metaphor? And how many arms do they usually have?" Nobody says anything, and soon the party reaches the dismal lake that lies in front of the Gates to Moria. PIPPIN: "The air is foul here." GIMLI: "Well, don't look at me! I didn't eat the beans before we left!" GANDALF belchs and then speaks: "It seems we have reached the Lake of the Watcher!" PIPPIN and MERRY: "Huh?" GANDALF lowers his eyebrows and puts an evil look on his face as he flips through his copy of the Fellowship of the Ring: GANDALF: "Oh, you'll see my pretties... you'll see..." The FELLOWSHIP keeps walking and soon reaches the Gates of Moria. GANDALF: "Hmmmm... They seem to be locked..." LEGOLAS: "Duh. Would you leave your front door wide open in this place?" GANDALF looks blankly at LEGOLAS and then says: "Hey! Just whose the wise guy around here, anyway?!" LEGOLAS: "Oh, you are, most great and wise Goodolf, you are..." GANDALF: "That's better!" GANDALF begins muttering wierd words of magic to the door. Cool sparkles and colors flash around him without much point. Finally, he beings simply beating on the door while cursing in Elven. Eventually, night falls and Gandalf gives up. He then pulls out a flask of wine and starts drinking. GANDALF: "Maybe I'll understand this better if I get drunk first..." TIME PASSES POT ROAST (To itself) "At least nobody's eaten me yet!" GANDALF: "I've got it!" He leaps up and hits his head on a low holly limb. GANDALF: "Ouch!" He then rubs off the grime on the door and reads it aloud: "I, a cool dead Elf of old, do hereby dedicate this door to the wonderful dwarves who live here and the Seven Kings of the Dwarves: Happy, Bashful, Grumpy, Loony, Hungry, Dopey, and Doc." GANDALF then walks over to ARWEN and says: "As the needless addition to this story, you should have no problem getting this door open since the door magic only works against those it expects to be there." ENTIRE FELLOWSHIP: "Huh?" GANDALF to ARWEN: "Oh, just open the stinking door!" ARWEN walks up to the door and flexs her muscles. Lots of skin, needless grunting, sweat, etc. She then pries the doors open. ARWEN: "Zere. Ze doorz are open!" GANDALF: "Yes... we can see that..." BOROMIR blows on horn. Rocks fall and something stirs in the water. GANDALF: "Why did you do that?!" BOROMIR: "Uh, just because, I guess..." GANDALF: "Well, just for that, you can go fight the Watcher!" WATCHER emerges from the water. It has many tendrils, heads, and teeth. It is green-black and slimy. BOROMIR: "Arrrggghhh!!!!" He then dives in and starts hacking at the Watcher. ARWEN: "I vill zhow it who iz bozz." ARWEN slowly strides into the water like a tank. She starts hacking at the Watcher. A needless battle takes place, full of explosions, screams, and wierd, Matrix-like slow motion shots of people in battle. Near the end, a bunch of gals from Baywatch run by, wearing nearly nothing. GANDALF (Looking at watch): "Well, that was just the right amount of needless action for this scene. Lets go!" The FELLOWSHIP piles into the Moria and closes the Gate behind them. GANDALF: "Ummm... why did we do that? Now we can't get out..." PIPPIN: "According to the book, the Watcher is supposed to chase us in here and block the door with falling rocks." ARAGORN: "How heroic! I like our version better - we killed three or four watchers and lit the whole lake on fire! Much cooler!" GANDALF: "Ah, well... It can't be helped now. I guess we had to do that to keep the plot even remotely sane. Forward now!" GANDALF takes a few steps forwards and then falls down a huge staircase. GANDALF: "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!" MERRY: "I knew we should have left him back at Rivendell." PIPPIN: "I guess we have to go get him now." SAM: "I have a bad feeling about this." OBIWAN KENOBI: "Duhhhhh....." POT ROAST: "Onward!" The FELLOWSHIP then journeys through the dark, with the Pot Roast in the lead...

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

The scene is DARK. very DARK. In fact, the whole scene is BLACK as the fellowship apparently make their way down the stairs. Whispering can be heard. Finally, they make it to the bottom and find GANDALF. GANDALF Bloody stairs, crept right up on me... I'm OK... Sounds of SCUFFLING heard FRODO Hey, who touched my bum? EVERYBODY BUT SAM Not me! ARAGORN Can somebody light a magical staff here? I can't like see a thing! GANDALF Right, right... just a second... MAGICAL STAFF lights up, illuminating a dark, scary set, obviously not completed yet. PIPPIN Actually, I think it was better without the light... GANDALF extinguishes the light. They continue in complete darkiness. GANDALF hits his head on a beam. GANDALF Ouch! The TEN continue through the darkness. Suddenly, it gets just light enough to see... A CORPSE COMING OUT OF A CLOSET! EVERYONE AAAH! It gets dark again. They walk forward, and it gets just light enough to see... A RUBBER SPIDER ON A STRING COMING DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM! EVERYONE AAAH! It gets dark again. They travel forward. It gets just light enough for them to see... A PAGAN STATUE OF A LONG-FORGOTTEN GOD WITH BIG TEETH AND A TONGUE STICKING OUT! EVERYONE AAAH! PIPPIN Ok, this is getting tired... MERRY We need to get across how creepy and scary this place is... Suddenly, it gets just light enough for them to see... A CORPSE OF A PAGAN STATUE OF A LONG-FORGOTTEN GOD WITH BIG TEETH AND A SPIDER STICKING OUT OF HIS MOUTH, LEAPING OUT OF A CLOSET! EVERYONE AAAH! GANDALF Everyone suitably frightened? Good! CUT TO... a DARK ROOM with a WELL in the middle. Everyone seems to be getting ready for BED. FRODO Sam... that's MY bedroll SAM(smiling coyly) Oh... is it? PIPPIN throws a rock into the well. Sounds are heard from below. The well throws the rock back. GANDALF No, Pippin! Whatever you do, do NOT throw anything down the well. The things down there are dark and... EVIL!!! LIGHTNING flashes. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Everyone GASPS. PIPPIN NOOOOOOOOO!!! GANDALF Yes. It all happened in the second age, when Men and Elves fought as one... CUT TO second age. CUT TO ARWEN slapping GANDALF around like a bad monkey ARWEN Dis is enuf of der schkreaming and der carryink on of der sekunt age, you gots dat? GANDALF(Battered and bruised) Killl... me.... let... me... die... ARAGORN Sorry man, you gotta fight the Balrog... CUT TO wide angle shot of the company falling asleep. GANDALF writhes in pain. The camera slowly pans down to the WELL, where INDUSTRIAL MINING EQUIPMENT is heard... A THIN HOBBIT-LIKE CREATURE with BIG EYES done in TRON-like BAD CGI crawls into view, wearing a MINING HELMET. He FLICKS OFF the light on his helmet, disappearing in the darkness...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

(Hey, I just have to take the Balrog scene!) FRODO: "Hey, did anyone see a terrible CGI character wander past?" SAM (who is obviously staring at Frodo): "Huh? Uh, no..." JAR JAR BINKS: "Well, don't look at mesa!" TIME PASSES. GANDALF: "Well, I need me a good smoke!" PIPPIN: "I thought you gave that up, or was that the other Gandalf!" GANDALF: "Ah, the heck with it!" GANDALF breaks out a patch of chewing tobacco. MERRY: "I think I liked the real Gandalf better. You know, the one in the books." GANDALF: "I heard that! Just for that, Pippin gets to take the first watch!" PIPPIN: "Huh? I didn't do anything!" GANDALF: "Not yet..." TIME PASSES. Everyone else is asleep. Arwen is snoring loud enough to wake a Balrog and prevent Sauron from sleeping all the way over in Mordor. Oddly, this does not seem to disturb lover-boy Aragorn. Pippin is left all alone. PIPPIN: "Hmmm... Is that a strange hole in which to toss things over there?" PIPPIN walks over the hole. He then grabs a nearby rock and tosses it down the hole. There is a muffled "OUCH!!" from below. PIPPIN: "Now why the heck did I do that?" GANDALF (Who comes out of nowhere from behind): "A good question. Next time, chuck yourself in the hole, you, ah... um.... Hmmmm.... stupid hobbit..." There is the sound of hammers tapping and a stereo playing deep within the mountain. The Fellowship + 1 continues on their path. Soon, they reach the chambers of Balin. GIMLI: "Ahhhh... I bet I can find some strong, Dwwwaaaarrrrvvveeennnn Ale in here somewhere." LEGOLAS: "Does the fact that some Dwarven pals of yours were brutally slaughtered in here bother you?" GIMLI finds a barrel of ale and practically falls into it in his efforts to get drunk. Meanwhile, GANDALF and ARAGORN have found a journal containing the records from the last days of the Dwarves. GANDALF: "Hmmmm... If this is right, we are doomed." ARAGORN: "I thought we weren't supposed to say that!?" GANDALF: "Oh, sorry. Anyway, this has all sorts of nice lines in it, like 'The Watcher ate Grumpy' and 'There is no way out.' and 'They are coming' but I won't bore you with the details. Anyway, time to be going." DRUMS START BEATING. LEGOLAS: "There is no way out." GIMLI: "GLUB!" PIPPIN: "Oh, heck, it's not my line, but: They are coming!" GANDALF: "Why have I been such a fool! I hung out here too long! That's what I get for looking through these old chests for loose gold coins and copies of Elf Wench Weekly! Aye, what an old fool I have become!" ARWEN: "Ziz is no problem. I vill deztroy the horde myzelf." GANDALF: "That's very sporting of you, but that makes no sense. Quickly, we have some running to do!" Suddenly, a TROLL begins to push it's way past the door. MERRY STABS THE TROLLS FOOT: MERRY: "For PJ!!!" The wounded TROLL retreats. The party flees, killing random orcs that pop out of the walls as they go. Eventually, they run out of Orcs and start killing Stormtroopers and Ninjas. GANDALF: "I must seal the doors with a spell of Sealing!" He whips out a handful of dice and says: "Let's see the Balrog make a saving throw vs. THIS!!!" GANDALF goes up the stairs. There is a muttering of words of magic, and then a huge flash. GANDALF comes flying back down the stairs and hits his head on the stone. GANDALF: "OUCH!!" ARAGORN: "Are you okay, dude?" GANDALF: "Yes, but there was something terrible there - something that I have never felt before. It seemed that there was a shadow past the door, and it ate up all light in its black cloud. Even the Orcs feared it, and its counterspell almost broke me. I will need to rest for awhile, and I can give you no more light for now!" PIPPIN: "Didn't you say it was a Balrog before you went running dumbly up the stairs?" GANDALF: "Will somebody shut up this annoying Hobbit?! He's ruining my big moment!" The party runs on as the drums beat. Finally, they reach the lower levels. A great chasm lies beyond them, while the Bridge of Moria lies between them and their escape. GANDALF: "'Gash' means fire. Maybe the lower levels are fire..." ARAGORN: "Dude, we're here and they are on fire!" GANDALF: "Oh... Well, run for the Bridge everyone! Last one across is Orc meat!" EVERYONE runs for the Bridge. As they do so, bad guys come up from behind and start bridging the chasm. At their head a is a vast flaming shadow. It is man-like, only larger, and seemingly carved of fire and ash. It wields a whip of many thongs in one hand, but it has only one wing. LEGOLAS: "Aye! Aye! Boy do I feel dumb saying Aye! A Balrog has come!" GIMLI: "uhh...." LEGOLAS smacks GIMLI GIMLI: "Oh, Burin's Dane?!" GANDALF: "This just plain sucks! Everyone - run bravely while I do my hero thing!" The Balrog reached the bridge. Gandalf went out to meet it. Both stand at a sword's distance away from each other while exchanging mean looks. GANDALF (in a Clint Eastwood voice): "You ain't getting past me, Balrog." BALROG (in a Cling Eastwood voice): "I reckon so." GANDALF: "It doesn't have to be like this, you know. I am a Servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor." BALROG: "Yeah, and I am the Flame of Uden. But what does it matter? We're both men, and I reckon that that is our destiny." GANDALF: "I'm the fastest draw in the West." BALROG: "And I am the fastest draw in the East." GANDALF: "I reckon so." BALROG: "I reckon so." There is a long pause. Tumbleweeds drift by as the two characters' hands hover over their swords like a pair of cowboys in a shoot out. The tumbleweeds catch fire as they go past the Balrog and fall into the pit. GANDALF spits a wad of tabacco. Both draw their swords. There is a flash of light, and the Balrog's sword is broken. GANDALF: "I reckone I've won, partner." BALROG: "I reckon not..." BALROG swings whip at GANDALF just as the wizard breaks the Bridge. Both fall into the pit and go boom. GANDALF, as he is falling: "Awwww..... Crap......" LEGOLAS: "You heard the man! Let's fly!" ARAGORN: "Strange, that's not what I heard him say...." ARWEN: "I will zhow that ztinking Balrog who iz bozz..." ARAGORN: "That's nice, dear, but Mr. Balrog has already fallen into the big hole, so I think this is our cue to be leaving." The Fellowship + 1 departs the Mines, screaming like madmen all the while. As they leave, the Orcs are last scene crying and weeping for the loss of nice Mr. Balrog.

Posted by Hama at TolkienOnline.com

LOTHLORIEN, AN ANDROGYNOUS PLACE! Cut to the dimrill dale, We have ARWEN carrying BILL THE PONY, which is carrying FRODO, followed by ARAGORN, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, BOROMIR and the POT ROAST. ARWEN: (Points ahead) Der is Dimril Dale! ARWEN: (Points at the mountains) Der is da Misty Mountains! ARWEN: (Points at ARAGORN) Der is my love! ARWEN: (Points behind at the POT ROAST) Der is da Pot Roast! ARWEN: (Points behind at lots of orcs coming from the gates of Moria) Der is da Orcs! ARAGORN: Quick the orcs are following us with lots of orcs, and there are lots of them too. There is no time to lose. TOULOUSE-LAUTREC: Que le diable je fais - ici? (Subtitles appear - "What the devil am I doing here?") ARAGORN: Run away! Run away! The fellowship runs away. TOULOUSE-LAUTREC is skewered by several orcs. TOULOUSE-LAUTREC: Mon Dieu! ORC CAPTAIN: (To TOULOUSE-LAUTREC) Consider that revenge for your stupid poster of the Moulin Rouge! The fellowship run towards Lothlorien. A troop of limp-wristed, androgynous looking Elves stand out from behind various trees. They are dressed in autumnal shades, a variety of fabrics which swish about in a very fetching manner indeed. They are all wearing make up, eye shadow, lipstick, etc, etc. They mince towards the fellowship. ELF 1: COOEEE! ARWEN LOVE! ELF 2: (Examines hands) Oh look, I've cracked a nail. ELF 3: Well doesn't it make you want to stamp! I've got a loose thread in my tunic! The orcs scream in complete horror and run away back to Moria. The fellowship meet up with the elves. ARWEN: Hi derr! ELF 2: Oh she's so butch! I love it! Aragorn steps forward. ARAGORN: Leave her alone, she is not for you. She is my love. ELF 1: Ooooh! Listen to him. Give a mortal a broken sword and he thinks he's king. ELF 2: Getting very uppity, these mortals. ELF 3 runs a hand over ARAGORNS shoulder and holds out his fingers so that the others can see. ELF 3: Look at the dust on him. ELF 1 & ELF 2: (pursing lips in a critical manner) Hmmmm! ARWEN clatters the elves to one side. ARWEN: Enough of dis! Take us to granny, now! The elves pout at Arwen, but do as she says, leading them into the depths of the forest! Next page (Page 5)

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