Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Elmtree at TolkienOnline.com

Well... I hope I kept everything straight! I tried to reread and find out where everyone was, and what they were last doing... but that was hard to figure out. However, it hardly matters here at Project WINKLE! I am honored to write THE DESTRUCTION OF THE RING!!!! ---------------- GATES OF MORDOR- There is blood and carnage everywhere as the armies battle. We see many standards-- Rohan, Gondor, Mordor, Walmart, some thing with swans on it, something with those blue "country kitchen geese" on it, Far Harad, Near Harad, Not Quite So Near Harad. Suddenly the armies falter, as FIVE NAZGUL swoop down. Aragorn JUMPS UP and GRABS one of the Nazgul by it's robe as it flies low. Just then We see the red eye in the TOWER blink, then open REALLY WIDE in SHOCK. The Nazgul turn and Vanish-- Cut to THE SHIRE. Sam is standing by unnamed Hobbit #1, watching Frodo oversee the dumping of dry-cleaning fluid into the Water. Various buildings and hobbit holes are in flames. Saruman the Greenish, Eowyn the reanimated, and Denethor (wiping lighter fluid from his hands) stand nearby. Lotho's body is lying next to Eowyn, missing it's head. Sam: I *must* bring Mr. Frodo back to his senses. But I can't figure out how. The Gaffer always said... UH#1: Sam, you ninnyhammer! Stop thinking about what Gaffer said and think about what he used to DO to you! A look of comprehension dawns on Sam's face and he pulls a pan out of his pack. Frodo : (an evil smile spreads over his face) Ah... Sauron senses me! But I AM THE DARK LORD NOW! Suddenly, the remaining FIVE NAZGUL teleport in, with Aragorn hanging on the cloak of the last one.... Eowyn gets a look of delight on her face and draws her sword. Aragorn lands, attacks one of the Nazgul with his sword. Denethor pulls out his blow torch and incinerates a second. Eowyn turns red with fury, and decapitates Denethor as the Nazgul burns. She charges the remaining Nazgul, as they scream in fear seeing their compatriot on fire. They teleport out again, taking Eowyn and Aragorn with them. Saruman turns to Denethor and Lotho. Saruman: Don't worry. I've seen worse. We'll get you back on you're feet in no time. Sam creeps up on Frodo and WHACKS him upside the head with a pan. As Frodo crumples, Sam grabs the RING. Sam: Sorry Mr. Frodo, but it's for your own good! Let's see... how does this THING work. He looks closely at the ringthing and sees it had a little movable pointer. He turns it to "Dark Tower Rest Room #1" but just as he puts it on, GOLLUM attacks. GOLLUM: No, it's MINE! Sam swings a pot at Gollum, but the momentum causes him to fall as he hits Gollum. Sam, Gollum, and Frodo all crumple into a pile. SAURON'S PRIVATE RESTROOM, BARAD DUR With a flash of light, Frodo, Sam and Gollum reappear in the bathroom. Gollum grabs the ring. GOLLUM: It's mine! My precious! My precious! Sam swings his PAN again, knocking Gollum hard on the head! Gollum staggers back, and falls into the toilet! He spreads out his hands to stop his fall, and grabs onto the flush handle. Frodo (waking): Ow, what a headache. Hey, aren't I supposed to be missing a finger? With a SPLOOP, the toilet flushes! Gollum's voice, receding: PREeeeeecccccciiooouuuuusss........ There is a moment's silence. Then a TOWER OF SMELLY WATER bursts from the toilet, and the bathroom begins to crumble. Frodo: We're doomed, Sam. Looks like we're gonna bite the big one. Sam: Mr. Frodo, perhaps we can just move down the hall a bit-- Just then the bathroom doors BURST OPEN and ARWEN charges in. She is still wearing the dress from the Houses of Healing. An ornate Bow-Sword thing is slung over her back. Arwen: I ran all de vey from de Hauses of Healing! She picks up Frodo and Sam and runs out of the tower, jumps on a waiting horse, and rides off....

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

[ARWEN] picks up FRODO SAM and runs out of the tower, jumps on a waiting HORSE, and rides off...." FRODO Umm... eagles? ARWEN(Slightly guilty...) Ea... Vat Eakles? No eakles herr. FRODO notices a LARGE FEATHER hanging out of ARWEN'S mouth. ARWEN belches descreetly. FADE OUT FADE IN FRODO wakes up in the HOUSES OF HEALING. He LOOKS AROUND, not knowing where he is. SAM is beside him. SAM FRODO! It's great to see you awake! It really is! FRODO. Sam.. That's great Sam. (PAUSE) Sam? SAM Yes, Mr. Frodo? FRODO I... I don't suppose you could move your hand, could you? SAM Oh, sorry Mr. Frodo... I don't know how it could have gotten THERE... I suppose it's got a life of it's own... GANDALF walks in. Screams can be heard coming from the distance. Something lands on the cieling with a THUD. The cieling collapses on GANDALF. GANDALF Ouch! A BLACK, CHARRED hand reaches up. BURNT RANGER Umm.. I don't suppose you could help, you see I stopped to rest on what turned out to be a flaming catapult, and... GANDALF(coming to his senses) ORC!!! A FLAMING, INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE array of fireworks come storming out of GANDALF'S staff. HORRIBLE SCREAMS of AGONY THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN EXPERIENCED are heard. All applaud. GANDALF Well, that solves that! So how are you, Frodo m'lad? FRODO Gandalf! GANDALF WHERE?!? Oh... Oh yes! Indeed I am! And here are some others that are happy to see you as well! HAPPY REUNION ensues. CAMERA PULLS BACK as ONE BY ONE, the surviving members of the fellowship enter the room. EACH ONE gives Frodo a TOUCHING HUG. Faramir enters last, with a Sly smile. FARAMIR Guess who else is glad to see you? SURPRISE! from BEHIND HIS BACK, Faramir produces REMNANTS OF BOROMIR! Some bones, the odd burnt flap of skin, and a frightened sea slug, annoyed to see it's home excavated from it's watery bed, are visible. ARAGORN shrieks like a little girl. FRODO(laughing cheerily) But Aragorn, it's just an old friend! Remember how scared us hobbits were of the stone trolls? EVERYONE laughs heartily at this. FARAMIR looks outside, to see EOWYN looking disturbed. He walks out and joins her. FARAMIR My fair maiden, what troubles you? EOWYN I... I can't be with you. My heart belongs to another... FARAMIR Ew... Didn't it hurt? I mean... ... But I love thee! EOWYN Look, buddy, I killed the damned Witch King, alright? I mean, I am deserving of more than just a steward. FARAMIR looks dejected. EOWYN walks away, and Faramir watches her with tears in his eyes. A HORN SOUNDS in the distance! ARWEN(From far away) My family! Zey are here! The EARTH SHAKES as she runs to meet them. CUT TO: EVERYONE getting ready for the WEDDING. ELROND walks with ARAGORN. ELROND I guess I was wrong about you, boy. You have proved yourself a king! ARAGORN Three damned months to get through those mountains! How the hell did you... ELROND I'll be sorry to see my daughter go, of course. But I'm sure she'll be happier... ARAGORN The damned watcher... the damned cave... and you come waltzing across... ELROND Well, we can't keep this waiting, can we? CUT TO: Glorious wedding scene. ARAGORN, in a daze, walks up the aisle. ARAGORN(STILL in a DAZE) TWO paths... Carathadragalas... and the caves... TWO... and they WALK here... The WEDDING MARCH starts! As do the thundering footsteps! ARWEN(in a run down the aisle) COMING, MY LOVE!!! a DARK, CHARRED FIGURE picks the wrong moment to bend down to tie his shoelaces. ARWEN rushes past, taking off his head. Again. BURNT RANGER AAAAAHHHHH!!! ARWEN picks ARAGORN up. MINISTER Dearly beloved, we... ARWEN He does. ARAGORN(Still in a daze) The whole thing could have been avoided... simple path... BURNT RANGER AAAUUGH!! ELROND I guess... I guess it's time to make it all happen... ELROND does a FLASHY DISPLAY of ELVEN MAGIC. ARWEN begins to change... Her hair becomes silky, as does her skin. Her muscles disappear, and her jaw recedes. ARAGORN comes out of his daze.. ARAGORN Ar... Arwen.... ARWEN I have become human for thee, my love, and in doing so I have lost my identity as an Elven warrior... ARAGORN But... But you're BEAUTIFUL! BURNT RANGER MY DAMNED HEAD CAME OFF! SOMEBODY FIND IT! ARWEN blushes. SUDDENLY, a FREAK STORM comes up and LIGHTNING comes down and strikes ARWEN, killing her instantly as she falls. Her body happens to land amongst rose petals, and her clothes are instantly burnt from her body. MAGICALLY, her actual body isn't scarred in the slightest. ARAGORN Beautiful... DEAD!?! I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT, AND SHE'S DEAD?!?? CUT TO: ELROND discussing the situation with GANDALF, several hours later. ELROND Shame really... I was quite attached to what's her name... GANDALF Arwen. ELROND That's the one. Still, if you've got to go, go suddenly, I always say. How about the young man... GANDALF Aragorn. ELROND. How's he doing? NAMELESS ELF Not good. He managed to kill six of the wedding guests, and I'm afraid the wedding potroast is quite unrecognizeable. And he trousered the priest. GANDALF Not good at all. NAMELESS ELF That's not all... ELROND What else did he do? NAMELESS ELF Well... he... he kind of cursed the Illuvatar. GANDALF That's all? NAMELESS ELF It... it was a really NASTY curse. MORE LIGHTNING can be heard outside. A MALE SCREAM. GANDALF looks outside. MOMENT OF SILENCE. GANDALF and ELROND look at each other. ELROND We're going to need another King. GANDALF How about that Frodo fellow? ELROND Too short. GANALF That black guy with the ivy? ELROND He was the dark lord. We killed him. GANDALF Ah, right... Dark lords are unpopular these days. ELROND What about... what about THAT fellow there? CUT OUTSIDE FARAMIR being crowned king. EOWYN looks at him, and sees him in a new light.

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

Scene shifts: GANDALF to FARAMIR: "Well... That was odd.... Well, I guess now that you are King you have a pretty good idea what to do." FARAMIR (Drinking beer from a huge mug): *BELCH* "Uh, no... Wasn't I supposed to get that Eowyn chick?" GANDALF (looking pained): "Um, yes... She was supposed to change her mind about you and your station in life, fall in love, and then marry you." FARAMIR: "So, where is she?" GANDALF: "Well, once Arwen was laid to rest on a cot in a heap of leaves and rose petals, she decided to become the fearless warrior princess leader of the Elven Amazons of the Slinky Metal Armor. She thought that her experience with slaying various things would make her a natural for the job." FARAMIR: "But she's not an Elf?! How can that be?!" GANDALF: "Bah, we just gave her some fake pointy ears and POOF! she's an Elf." FARAMIR: "Oh. Say, why DID we bury Arwen in such an absurd manner?" GANDALF: "Ah, I got the idea from something I saw on the Internet." FARAMIR: "Well, being King does have its rewards." He produces a half-eaten FRUIT OF THE WHITE TREE. FARAMIR: "These things are tasty - a pity that I think I ate all of them." GANDALF (To himself): "Okay... looks like we'll be skipping the White Tree part. Nobody would have gotten it anyway I guess." FARAMIR: "Say, aren't you supposed to be leaving now that all the festivities are done. Isn't there a Shire to be Scourged or something?" GANDALF: "A Shire? Is that anywhere near Hobbitville?" FARAMIR: "Nevermind. Judging by my watch, we have only a few more scenes before the end credits, so you'd best be leaving to wrap this thing up." GANDALF: "Oh, okay." He begins waving his arms and casting a spell. A message pops up in the bottom of the screen: Gandalf casts Dimensional Door - and he is suddenly gone. SCENE CHANGES to a long road that winds through the woods. GANDALF is riding there, along with ELROND - who has a spinning halo of stars around his head for some reason, GALADRIEL, and the 4 Hobbits of the great adventure. As they are riding along, they encounter SARUMAN THE GREENISH. He is followed by WORMTONGUE, who appears slightly Zombie-ish, and DENETHOR, who also appears Undead and who's hair is on fire. GANDALF: "Oh no! It is a recurring villian! Everyone run in fear!" NOBODY MOVES. SARUMAN THE GREENISH: "Ah, so it is you, Gandalf. Come to check on my evil plans? Well, you don't have to waste your time forcing the truth from me - I will tell it to you just to save a few more minutes that remain in this movie. I intend to use my dark powers and immunity to Penalties to build a vast legion of the Undead! Now, do you dare stop me?" GANDALF: "Me? Oh, no... Frankly, I don't really care. My job is done, the bar in the West opens in a few hours, and I don't get paid for overtime. So go and build your army - I'll let somebody else worry about it." FROM THE BACKGROUND RADAGAST: "Oh yes... Somebody else like me, probably.... Always having to keep that twit Gandalf out of trouble... And does anybody give ME any credit?! He'd still be locked in Orthanc if it wasn't for me, rotting away like an old fool... But nobody knows what I am talking about - 'Read the books' I say, and they say, 'Books? What books? I thought Peter Jackson made up this whole thing' AARRGGHHH!!!!" SARUMAN leaves, with the 2 Zombies following him, moaning like all Zombies do. THE PARTY RIDES ON, eventually reaching a huge sign in the forest, saying: "The Shire: 10 miles away. Signs posted by Radagast's Rangers - keeping the forests safe for over two thousand years." GANDALF: "Rada-who?" THE PARTY RIDES ON EVER MORE. Eventually, they reach the gates of the SHIRE. SAM: "Funny, the Shire didn't have Gates last time I checked..." FRODO: "Um, yes it did..." SAM: "Oh, yeah... Say, Gandalf, since I've already read the book, I was wondering you'd like to join us in kicking the bad guys out of the Shire." GANDALF: "Huh? I thought Frodo was the dark overload of the Shire... Oh, you did get rid of that Ring, Frodo. I wondered why the Dark Lord was dead and we were all still alive. I suspected the stress of the job finally got to him - what made you think of destroying the Ring to kill him, Frodo?" FRODO: "Uh, you told me to do so..." GANDALF: "Hmmm... Maybe I did... My mind's not what it used to be - too many knocks on the head, you know. GANDALF then rides on a bit more and is hit on the head by a low tree limb. GANDALF: "OUCH!" SAM: "So, Mister Wizard, will you help us?" GANDALF: "Oh, just leave me alone, will you?! Look, you're tough Hobbits, you've got swords and you're the heroes - just kick their butts. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to get quite drunk now with Tom Bombadillo." GALADRIEL: "Tom who?" GANDALF, ELROND, and GALADRIEL ride off. A moment later, GANDALF can be heard hitting another limb and crying "OUCH!" That just leaves the Hobbits at the Gates to the Shire...

Posted by Elmtree at TolkienOnline.com

The CONCLUSION OF LORD OF THE THINGS, aka PROJECT WINKLE! Cut to: The other Gates of the Shire. Frodo and Sam are riding alone. They pass a “You are now leaving the Shire” sign. Sam: Frodo, where are we going? We passed Bag End some time ago. And who was that old green man playing DnD with the Gaffer? Cut to Flashback: Saruman the Greenish is playing DnD on the steps of Bag End, with the Gaffer, a reanimated Wormtongue, and Rosie and Elanor Gamgee. The Gaffer looks cranky. Saruman: You thought a few Beholders could stop Saruman? Ha! (he rubs his hands together gleefully). I have my revenge against Westernesse, and especially against that meddling fool, Gandalf!. I will pass on this game, and through all time, people will connect “Lord of the Rings” and Wizards with DnD!!! Gandalf will look like a real wimp compared to these mages! Especially since fireball is only a third level spell! BWAHAHAHAHAHA Cut back to Frodo and Sam: Frodo: We’re going to the Grey Havens, Sam. I didn’t give up when those black riders chased me onto the boat— (Sam picks up his copy of “Fellowship” and flips through it, puzzled) Frodo: -- I didn’t give up when the flaming black riders attacked on Weathertop— (Sam continues to flip through the book) Frodo: I didn’t give up as the riders chased Arwen and me over the ford— (Sam shrugs, and tosses the book over his shoulder) Frodo: I didn’t give up when Boromir tried to take the ring. I didn’t give up in the dead Marshes. I didn’t give up when Gollum betrayed us. I never gave up— Sam: Well, there was that bit when you claimed the ring— (Frodo reaches into Sam’s pack, grabs a pan, and SMACKS Sam over the head with it.) Frodo: You know I'm sensitive about that! Now, where was I... Oh yes... Through all that danger, I never gave up. But now that everything is all right, I’m giving up. I’m runni—er—going away with the elves. Sam bursts into tears. The arrive at a DOCK. There is a large grey ship. Elrond is there, as well as a few other elves. Galadriel stands to the side before a large blue screen. Cirdan, a grizzled old elf with one squint eye and one large eye, and a tattoo of an anchor on his shoulder, is tossing everyone’s bags on board. Bilbo, looking like he had an accident with a vat of molton latex, is already on board, dozing. Sam bursts into tears. The audience bursts into tears. Frodo: Wait… I thought Gandalf was coming! Sam bursts into tears. Elrond: Where is Gandalf? He really ticks me off. He’s ALWAYS late! Cut to: The Forest where we last saw Gandalf. He is lying on the ground, beneath a large overhanging tree limb, unconscious. There is a large red LUMP on his forehead. Gandalf: uurrrrrhhg He opens his eyes. We see, from his pov, the blur of the branches above him. He closes his eyes again. He opens them, and we see the blurry faces of two hobbits looking down. He closes his eyes again, squints hard, and opens them. The two blurry faces come into focus. It’s Frodo and Sam at BAG END! Frodo: Gandalf, I’ve told you to watch that low beam when you come in. Gandalf: (sitting up with help from Frodo and Sam) I had the strangest dream… it was so real… It was an age of magic and mystery…. Frodo and Sam look concerned. Gandalf: (looking in wonder at Frodo) And you… (looks at Sam)… and you… (looks over there shoulders into the kitchen, points to pot roast on table) And YOU were there! Frodo and Sam exchange glances. Sam: I better get some ice. Gandalf: But that couldn’t be true, could it. (Frodo and Sam chuckle patronizingly, and sit gandalf in a chair, by the pot roast) Gandalf: I don’t know how I’ll ever figure that one out. Ah well—there’s no place like HoME!

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

The text THE END appears on the screen. GANDALF: Now, what were we talking about before I passed out? FRODO: Well, the weather, the etymology of nasturtians, the proposed tax reductions for pipeweed, your little incursion to Naughty Nienna's Hobbit Club. The usual stuff. ... And you also said you had something to say to me about my ring being the most powerful artifact of evil in existence... FRODO takes the Ring out from his pocket. FRODO: Honestly I think you were mistaken. This is a very beautiful and valuable, should I say precious-- The RING becomes alive in his HAND and JUMPS out of the WINDOW. Everyone tries to catch it but in vain. Red stormclouds appear suddenly on the clear summer sky. Lighting crashes. The Ring floats away to the sky. Gandalf HITS HIS HEAD on the windowframe. THE END dissolves and transforms into a QUESTION MARK. The final(?) thing we see is GANDALF finding himself sitting in a chair in Bag End, getting up, hitting his head, and finding himself in Bag End and he had dreamed all previous things, after which he gets up from the chair, hits his head and finds himself sitting in the same chair again ad infinitum. The image slowly fades to darkness while Gandalf's face gets more and more terrified...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

As the image of Gandalf, trapped in his time loop, fades away, the credits begin to roll by with the theme from Highlander playing in the background. First on the list, in huge script: J.R.R Tolkien: played by Peter Jackson This is then followed by the same phrase in Elven, Dwarven runes, the tongue of Mordor, Moonrunes, and Klingon. After that comes the rest of the cast, in much more normal letters. Finally, after what seems like another Age of the World has passed, the last name - Orc #2358392 - passes off the screen, leaving nothing but Darkness and Peter Jackson's name, written in fiery letters. About ten minutes later, Radagast storms onto the screen, saying, "Cut ME out of the movie, will you? Hey, PJ - make a saving throw vs. this!!" A glowing 20-sided die appears in the enraged wizard's hands, and then crashes into the still burning name of Peter Jackson. There is a flash, the name vanishes, and all that is left is the insane laughter of Radagast and utter darkness. About 20 minutes later, a small note - barely readable - appears on the screen. It says, "Note that any similarities between this work and J.R.R Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings are strictly by accident - really! We thought we could do it better, and we did, so there." That's All!

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