Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

RAGNORAK APPROACHETH Some posters have been speculating about Frodo and Co having Norwegian accents. I am indebted to Hama for the Elder Edda references, which come from his masterly work LORD IK DEN NIBELUNGEN. Frodo and Sam are trekking across Mordor. FRODO Zere is no hope. SAM But we must keep cheerful because we are the cheerful hobbits. FRODO Yes, let us zing ze cheerful songs to keep our spirits in the right order. Frodo and Sam start singing an Abba song, 'S.O.S'. FRODO Zat is not cheerful. Zat is depressing me. SAM Zen, master, let us try another. Frodo and Sam start singing 'Waterloo'. A Band of Orcs appear on the horizon. They hear the hobbits singing 'Waterloo' and join in. SIGURD the DARK LORD in his tower of Barad-dur hears them and starts joining in too, while watching the progress of the Captains of the West through the Palantir. SIGURD Ai! Ai! Vhy am I singing ze vile Elvish songs from Asgard? Sigard loses interest and slaps a Meatloaf CD on. Resuming his headphones, he continues to watch the Captains of the West through his Palantir, with his Burning Red Eye. FRODO and SAM Waterloo, finally facin' my Waterloo ... woa woa woa, Waterloo, finally facin' my Waterloo ... FRODO Zat is an appropriate song. SAM The lyrics are most expressive so we can zing of our forthcoming doom in a typically upbeat hobbit-fashion. The band of Orcs are approaching, in the garb of Mordor: black leather, whips and stilettos. The Hobbits, Frodo and Sam, are garbed in the same odd attire, although Frodo has got fed up and has abandoned the stilettos, which he now wears around his neck on a piece of string. FRODO I zink Ragnorak is about to happen now, Samwise. SAM Perhaps we pray to ze Lady of the Stars, Master Frodo. FRODO (looking wistfully to the sky and warbling in a light tenor) Can you see the lights, Fernando ... BIG ORC 'ere! Why ain't you two little bleeders joined up yet? FRODO and SAM (singing soulfully) There was something in the air that night, the moon was bright, Fernando ... The Orcs start linking arms and swaying together, joining in the chorus. Some get out cigarette lighters and start waving their glowing cigarette ends. BIG ORC 'ere! Wot's all this stoopid sen'imental rubbish, eh? FRODO (singing soulfully) No more careless laughter ... no more happy ever after ... BIG ORC 'ere! That reminds me of old Morgoth, poor sod, cast out in the Void! The Big Orc gets out his hanky and starts dabbing his eyes. FRODO and SAM Knowing me, knowing you ... ORCS Ah-haaaaa! FRODO and SAM There is nothing we can do, knowing me, knowing you ... ORCS Ah-haaaaa! At this point, SIGURD, the DARK LORD, angrily throws open a window in Barad-dur and yells across the plains of Mordor ... SIGURD I do not like zis stupid bjorn again music of ze Elves from Asgard! BIG ORC Sorry, guv. Right, boys. Move it!

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

EOWYN: "Hmmm... Well, that leaves the Nazgul Trainee dead, the Mamuk thing that seemed somehow Lovecraftian in nature dead, and that other Witch King guy is not here. So, who's left?" ORC #8892 (running up from behind Eowyn at an insane speed while wielding an axe): "GRRR!!!!!" EOWYN steps aside while thinking. ORC #8892 rushes past. The screen slows and zooms in to show the amazed look upon his face as he flies by. Then, he crashes into a rushing ORC #7754. The two managed to cut each other's heads off, but just as blood and guts are about to go flying, the heads and gore are vanish into nowhere. SUBTITLE: "To see the blood and gore, buy the Collector's Edition. EOWYN: "Hmmm.. What was I thinking? Oh, that's right... There's still somebody important around here that needs killing..." GONDOR SOLDIER # 1183: "Mi lady, I-" EOWYN cuts his head off, and the head vanishes again. EOWYN: "Oops. I thought you were a Balrog or Sauron. My mistake..." A DARK SHADOW LOOMS UP OVER EOWYN. GONDOR SOLDIER #2345 comes running up to the scene, calling out: "Mi lady! The King of the Witches has returned!" KING OF THE WITCHES SPLATTERS GONDOR SOLDIER #2345 with an absurdly large mace. All of the gore vanishes as usual. EOWYN: "Alas, poor #2345. Never again to walk in nondescript fields in an unmentioned place in Gondor. Never again to have your forgotten name or number sung. Alas, whomever you were - I can't seem to recall..." KING OF THE WITCHES: "Can we get on this battle already?" EOWYN (Still looking down. Music from Titanic is playing for some absurd reason.): "Alas, poor #2345. I - I loved you, although I have no idea who you were." KING OF THE WITCHES: "What the heck was that about?!" EOWYN: "You cannot understand, foul dimwacker!" KING OF THE WITCHES: "Um, kids might be listening. You might want to watch your language." EOWYN: "Nay, I shall not! The fools in charge of this movie would not give me my scenes, nor my man! They made Xenarwen the female romantic lead, and thanks to the curse of movies, there can only be one real romance at a time - my love of Faramir shall be forgotten!" KING OF THE WITCHES: "Faramir? I admit I've been a bit busy terrorizing your city and killing your friends and all, but I don't think you've ever met the guy? How can you love him, or is this some weird Elf Warrior Crossdresser thing?" A SINGLE TEAR RUNS DOWN EOWYN'S CHEEK as she says: "I would have loved him, if this movie had not been as mangled as it is... So, I have to love somebody, and #2345 was the only man on hand..." KING OF THE WITCHES: "Hey, what are you saying by that?!" EOWYN: "Nevermind the insults! You have a bigger problem to worry about - ME!" KING OF THE WITCHES: "Thou fool! No living man may hinder me!" EOWYN: "But you look not on a man, but a woman!" A WIND COMES OUT OF NOWEVER AND BLOWS ALL OF EOWYN'S CLOTHES OFF. Digital effects blank out the scene, of course. SUBTITLE: "To see Eowyn naked and in the Riders of Rohan Bikini Contest, buy the Collector's Edition." KING OF THE WITCHES: "Here we go again..." ------------------------------- Meanwhile, far to the East, two Hobbits crawl along... FRODO: "I... I can't take it any more Sam..." SAM: "Master, you have to! I know the Ring is a burden, but-" FRODO STANDS UP and appears perfectly healthy: "It's not the Ring, you oaf! I can't stand crawling across these same stupid hills of slag for hours on end. It just keeps going and going and going, and we go nowhere just to trick the audience into thinking that Mordor is this big place of gloom and doom. I've had it!" SAM: "Fine, be that way. It's not my fault that this part is boring and people would probably want an explosion or something to liven things up. A NEARBY MOUNTAIN EXPLODES FOR NO REASON. FRODO: "Well, if we don't do something soon, we are going to keep getting less and less screen time since nobody cares what were are up to. I'd hate to have the audience miss something important. SAM: "Yup, judging by my wristwatch, we have 5 seconds left before the scene changes." A RED DRAGON LANDS BEHIND THEM AND BREATHES A BLAST OF FIRE. SCENE CHANGES....

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

THE GENERAL AREA OF MINAS TIRITH PIPPIN riding on a pony to the gates of Minas Tirith as fast as he can. FARAMIR sits behind him, looking sick and pale. He has a funny paper hat on his head and a half-empty Steward-sized bottle of champagne in his hand. Cut to KING OF WITCHES looking evil. Cut to the pair on the pony from behind, riding like all Utumno was behind them. Cut to KING OF WITCHES charging forward with a raised mace. Cut to FARAMIR's pale, terrified face. Cut to the mace as it falls in slow motion through the air. Cut to ÉOWYN who jumps from the way of the mace and strikes back with her sword, which the KING OF WITCHES parries. Cut to FARAMIR and PIPPIN going through the gates of Minas Tirith. FARAMIR: Quick! I must not be sick in the sight of my men! The last people in the audience realize they have been duped. On the other side of the walls the champagne maidens, the serpentine maidens, the confetti maidens, the funny paper hat maidens, and the moral support maidens stand in ordered phalanxes ready to take the battle field by storm right after ÉOWYN finishes the KING OF WITCHES. FARAMIR gets of the pony and positions his head so it's obscured from the camera and makes motion that would bring throwing up to the mind if this were not a family film. As it is, his actions are completely unexplained. DENETHOR arrives. DENETHOR: Have you seen the Balrog? I lost him when everyone was running around. PIPPIN: I killed her. She was a SHE, you know. DENETHOR: A lady Balrog? He attacks PIPPIN. FARAMIR: I am of the opinion a mysterious swordsman did most of the killing, actually. DENETHOR stops attacking PIPPIN and turns around. DENETHOR: How cruel the world is! I have lost my wife and my older son, and now it seems like I will on the same day lose both the female entity I love and on top that, as yet another stick to the bonfire of despair of losing her, the death of my second and only remaining son. Verily, the world is cruel! FARAMIR: I'm not dead yet. FARAMIR takes another sip from his bottle. DENETHOR: You look mortally ill to me. Moreover, with my arts I have found out that we live in an universe controlled by the need for a story. Obviously, I am the tragic hero who will lose all that he loves, or, as in this case, finds SORT OF acceptable. PIPPIN: It doesn't have to be like that! DENETHOR: Good you mentioned it. No one is going to separate me from my second-best son or my most beloved natural phenomenon. We three are going to leave the world together! Zoom to PIPPIN's terrified face. --------------------- MORDOR FRODO: Quick, put your finger here, no not there! During important nanoseconds SAM's fingers wander all around FRODO, but just before the dragon fire strikes them he puts his finger where he was intended to, namely in the Ring. They both disappear. The dragon fire stops, waves it's front end like it was looking around quizzically and vanishes with a disappointed pop. The dragon wanders behind a hill cursing pipeweed-dreams. In the wraith-world FRODO and SAM are standing with both one finger in the Ring. The Ring has grown tu accommodate both fingers. The scenery around them is at times a negative image of the landscape, at times a monochrome image, at times an infrared image, at times a radar image, at times a wavering image, at times a bunch computer-made geometric 3D objects, but mostly it is a collection of clip-art ghosts fluttering around. They take the Ring off and appear again in the real world. SAM: Master Frodo, that was brilliant! How did you know what to do? FRODO: You may have heard the poem: I have feathers like a bird My name is a word In Harad's sun or rain I have pretty eyes Larger than my brain And I don't tell lies SAM: It's the estrich! But with respect, Master Frodo, that poem is terrible! FRODO: That's only to be expected from a bird with that small a brain, I assume. SAM: But what your idea has to do with that? FRODO: A threatened estrich puts its head in a bush, because it thinks when it can't see its enemy the enemy cannot see it. Of course this doesn't work at all, and the estriches are an endangered species. If the estriches were more intelligent they would throw the bush on the eyes of their enemies. That's what we did, figuratively. SAM: Gosh wow. That was clever. FRODO: Thank you. SAM: I just hope Sauron didn't happen to notice us, and that dragon doesn't come back to get its handbag. It namely didn't carry one...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

SOMEWHERE IN MORDOR: THE SCREEN IS BLACK. FRODO'S VOICE: "You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you, Sam?" SAM'S VOICE: "Sorry, sir. It - it just didn't seem right..." FRODO'S VOICE: "Yes, but we were so close - but you ruined it! What was it you said? 'This isn't right, sir. What about that scene where we were enslaved? Why hasn't that happened yet?'" SAM'S VOICE: "Well, it wasn't right, you know. It wasn't like the books." FRODO'S VOICE: "And is THIS anything like the books?" SCENE FADES IN. FRODO AND SAM ARE CHAINED TO A BENCH IN THE LOWER DECKS OF A VAST SHIP. They are clad as galley slaves, and the handle of a large oar lies in front of them. Many, many other slaves can be seen all around in two rows that pass down either side of a main aisle. SAM: "No, this isn't right either, but I had no idea that such madness could happen..." A door swings open, and a large Orc waddles into the hall. He is tall, obese, and reeks like something that had died. At his side sits another fat Orc, this one with a huge set of drums. TASKMASTER: "Listen up, you dogs! You are now property of the Grand High Dark Lord Sauron! As his slaves, you will live to serve and die at his command! Expect no mercy! You will be given enough food to keep you alive and strong enough to row this ship, but no more than that! And the same holds true for clothing and shelter!" A man stands up in the back. He is clad in battered business attire, and seems to be a refugee from the modern workworld. CUBICLE SLAVE #1: "So, let me get this straight - we get enough food to keep us alive and strong enough to row this boat, right?" TASKMASTER: "Yes!" CUBICLE SLAVE #1: "And there is no way we can lose our jobs, right?" TASKMASTER: "You will have this job until death!" CUBICLE SLAVE #1" "YES!!!! I have been waiting years for a job this good! This is SO much better than my old job! No downsizing, only one boss, no meetings, and I can actually afford to eat! YES!!!!!" A dozen more CUBICLE SLAVES rejoice at the fact they have permanent positions and need not fear starving. TASKMASTER: "That was... strange..." ---------------------- SCENE CUTS TO THE OUTER PLANES: This strange world seems to consist of nothing but a rolling wasteland of grey hills, broken only by shattered spires of metal slag that tower up over the lands like the bones of mountains. In the middle of nowhere, there is a penalty box, and next to it, Tolkien himself sits upon a dias, looking into a forgotten palantir at the progress of the movie. There is a flash of light, and SARUMAN THE GREENISH appears on the scene. SARUMAN THE GREENISH: "Oh, crap! The Penalty Box Dimension! What did I do to end up here?" TOLKIEN: "Nothing, really. I was just curious about what role you should be playing in this, um... adaptation... of my stories. I think you will be pleased with what I found." SARUMAN THE GREENISH: "Well, what is it?" TOLKIEN: "Since you are technically unaccounted for in this period of time in the stories, and you are not exactly living or dead, you are free from the usual rules that govern such aspects of the game." SARUMAN THE GREENISH: "So... I can basically do whatever I want, regardless of what the story says?" TOLKIEN: "Exactly! PJ in his hubris, has failed to take you into account in his rewrittne version of The Lord of the Rings. Plus, your semi-alive status makes you completely immune to any Penalties." SARUMAN get an evil look on his face as he says: "I think I'll show PJ what it's like to fall on a spiked wheel..." TOLKIEN: "You know I do not agree with violence, but your decisions are your own..." SARUMAN THE GREENISH teleports away. ------------------------------- BACK IN MORDOR THE SLAVE SHIP IS SLOWLY BEING ROWED OVER THE EMPTY WASTELAND OF MORDOR. FRODO: "This would make much more sense if we were rowing this ship through water." SAM: "Ah, water... I remember that... yes, along with strawberries and sunshine and Naughty Nienna's Hobbit Club... Ah, yes... such pleasant memories..." FRODO slaps SAM like Moe from the Three Stooges and says: "What are you babbling about?! This is not a time to be trying to get this movie a more naughty rating! We have work to do!" SAM: "Um, would that work consist of continuing to row this boat until we reach Sauron's wading pool?" FRODO: "NO!!! We are through with this madness! I am going to use the RING!!!" EVERYTHING ElSE BUT FRODO FADES TO BLACK AS HE PUTS ON THE RING IN SLOW MOTION. The world shifts into Wraith-mode. Then, a strange combat scene plays out. We seen FRODO leaping across the room, his chains shattering and flying out behind him. The TASKMASTER looks up, an expression of horror on his face. FRODO'S chains ignite as he passes over a torch, and the DRUMMER calls out: "Aye, Aye, a Hobbit has come!" TASKMASTER: "Oh, no - Snagglenorp's bane!" And he hinds his head, which is soon proven to be a bad move. In a few seconds flat, FRODO has managed to light half the ship on fire. He continues to shoot death rays and fireballs from the ring even as he flails any Orc that comes near with his spinning chains of flame and doom. Soon, there is only the TASKMASTER left. FRODO closes on him, but the TASKMASTER runs - only to fall down a deck and land on a spiked wheel. THE SHIP IS SILENT AND ALL BUT THE SLAVES ARE DEAD. SAM: "Well, I guess we should free the slaves now, right?" FRODO: "We don't have time for that - besides, it wasn't in the book!" SAM (To himself): "Oh, sure, it's fine when HE gets all Purist on me..." FRODO: "TO MOUNT DOOM!" SCENE SHIFTS TO MOUNT DOOM. SAM AND FRODO ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE TO THE MOUNTAIN. FAR OFF, THE DARK TOWER CAN BEEN SEEN AGAINST THE CLOUDS. In the uppermost window of the Tower, a red light can be seen sweeping randomly across the land. SAM: "Um, is that the Eye of Sauron?" FRODO: "Yes... It appears the Dark Lord can't hold his liquor very well... Hurry, before he sobers up - we must toss the ring into the Fires of Doom!" SAM (To himself): "Oooo... What a creative name: 'Fires of Doom' - I shouldn't have gotten into that Dungeons and Dragons movie, but no, they didn't need a Hobbit..." FRODO (From inside the Mountain): "Stop your grumbling! We must hurry!" SAM follows FRODO into the Mountain. ------------------------------- AT THE CRACKS OF DOOM FRODO AND SAM STAND AT THE EDGE OF THE CRACKS OF DOOM. Flames rush up from the pits below, and the screams of the damned fill the place for some reason. FRODO TOSSES THE RING IN. THE RING BOUNCES BACK OUT. FRODO TOSSES THE RING IN. THE RING BOUNCES BACK OUT. FRODO TOSSES THE RING IN. THE RING BOUNCES BACK OUT. By now, FRODO is rather mad. SAM, however, is laughing to himself. DUNGEON MASTER FROM THE OLD D&D CARTOON SHOW: "Foolish Halflings! Don't you know that the Ring gets a +10 bonus to its saving throws vs. destruction when you attempt to destroy it here?" FRODO: "Um... No." SAM: "See - I told you should have played D&D more!" FRODO: "Hey, I just got sick of your old Gaffer sending those Beholders at us all the time! Anyway, Dungeon Master, what are we should we do?" DUNGEON MASTER: "Well, normally I would answer you with some sort of silly riddle that makes no sense, but the bar opens soon back home and I am just not in the mood for stupid games. You must destroy the Ring at The Dark Tower itself." FRODO: "Okay... But how would the Ring then end up back here in Mount Doom?" DUNGEON MASTER: "Specifically, you must flush the Ring in the bathroom in Sauron's private quarters. That leads directly to the heart of Mount Doom, and the Ring doesn't get it's saving throw bonus. If that is all, I will be leaving..." SAM: "Hey! You never did get those other heroes home in that old TV show - why should we trust you?" DUNGEON MASTER: "I don't know - you have a better idea?" SILENCE: The DUNGEON MASTER then walks behind a rock very near the edge of the Crack of Doom to perform his usual disappearing act. There is a muffled curse, and long yell, and then a splash in the fires below. SAM: "That's gotta hurt!" FRODO: "Onwards to the Dark Tower!" SCENE ENDS

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

OFFICERS' TENT ON THE PELENNOR FIELDS The victory celebration is in full swing. ARAGORN in a funny paper hat dances on a table with a teaboy. IMRAHIL is playing banjo very badly. Everyone is singing the evergreen Steward's Staff Has a Knob in the End. GANDALF rushes in. GANDALF: Everyone! This is urgent! We must hurry and get ourselves ready! ARAGORN: What? Is it Arwen? Is she coming to visit? He pushes the TEABOY off from the table and throws the paper hat after him. TEABOY: Ouch. GANDALF: It's not Arwen. I have searched the Internet and found there a mysterious magical entity called W.I.N.K.L.E that has been monitoring us. From it I heroically gleaned the knowledge that Frodo and Sam are taking the Ring to the Dark Tower. It is very dangerous. We must collect all our forces to attack as a diversion. ARAGORN: To cleanly sploop out a boring debate: We will march in ten minutes! Everyone starts moving around in a way that gives the impression they are doing something. IMRAHIL picks from his pocket and inflates an inflatable signboard. It reads: FAN NOTICE: THIS PERSON IS PRINCE IMRAHIL. HE MAY HAVE NO LINES AT ALL, BUT HE IS THERE. SO BE GRATEFUL! - PETER JACKSON. OUTSIDE THE TENT ARAGORN has found IORETH. ARAGORN: IORETH, you will come along. We need a combat medic. IORETH: What? Me? I don't know anything about battle. ARAGORN: That doesn't matter. Actually, the deciding reason is the fan pressure. A significant portion of the fans hates you and wants you dead. That way we don't have to dirty our hands. IORETH: Now that was encouraging. ARAGORN leaves. GANDALF arrives. GANDALF: IORETH, do you remember your indoctrination? You will use real medicine. No more crystals. IORETH: Yes, of course. GANDALF: That's good. He leaves. IORETH: Oh, I forgot to ask if those ear candles I'm taking exclusively along are real medicine... Well, I guess they must be... But no way the big cheeses are going to get me killed. I'm going to stand right in the middle of both the army and the photograph when they make their last stand... MINAS TIRITH DENETHOR is about to drag FARAMIR off to burn him. FARAMIR: (V.O.) Sometimes there are times in a man's life when the man's got to choose. He must choose between a moment's pleasure and doing what a man's got to do. And I chose to be a man. FEMALE VOICE: Politically erraneous male chauvinist pig! The sound of a solid object reflecting from a cranium. FARAMIR: (V.O.) Sometimes there are times in a woman's life when the woman's got to choose. She must choose between a moment's pleasure and doing what a woman's got to do. And I chose to be a woman. The sound of cheering female voices. MALE VOICE: But what about the animals? FARAMIR: (V.O.) Sometimes there are times in an animal's life when the animal's got to choose. It must choose between a moment's pleasure and doing what an animal's got to do. And I chose to be an animal. ...But I won't choose to be an inanimate object, do you hear me? ANOTHER MALE VOICE: Shame on you. Inanimate objects are discriminated in our society. A slowed-down image of FARAMIR's fingers letting go of the champagne bottle in a image laden with SIGNIFICANCE. FARAMIR jumps on his feet, does some cartwheels and bakcflips, and sets himself in a ready-to-fight position (the Crane from Karate Kid). DENETHOR: All right. You are not about to die. I would have believed from less. He wanders away to set the Outer Wall on fire. It soon starts to burn merrily. PELENNOR FIELDS The Armies of the West start to march. In the front ride ARAGORN, IMRAHIL, GANDALF, MERRY, and PIPPIN. IORETH THE COMBAT MEDIC is in the exact geometric center point. The flag that ARWEN had embroidered had proved to be too badly made and it has been replaced with one embroidered by GLORFINDEL. PELENNOR FIELDS, A LITTLE LATER FARAMIR: Oh no, I am late! ÉOWYN: Oh no, I am late! Both take horses and start to ride feverishly. SOMEWHERE IN GONDOR(?) FARAMIR and ÉOWYN ride side by side. The camera is zoomed on their upper bodies. The scenery is plain light gray and doesn't seem to move at all. FARAMIR: We don't seem to get any closer to the army! ÉOWYN: I'm going to catch it faster than you. They appear to try to ride faster but neither can outdistance the other one bit. It is like they are glued to their places. ÉOWYN: There is something very strange. SUDDENLY, ÉOWYN's horse stops! Regardless of that her relative distance to FARAMIR stays unchanged! ÉOWYN: There is something very very strange. FARAMIR: I have a copper piece in my pocket. Maybe it will help. He puts the copper piece somewhere in ÉOWYN's horse's belly and it starts galloping again. When he draws himself up again his lips meet ÉOWYN's. They kiss. Soppy 'N Sync music starts to play. ÉOWYN takes her bow and shoots one arrow. It goes through all the members of 'N Sync that had started to perform nearby. They die and the music stops a little later when someone turns the playback off. ÉOWYN and FARAMIR continue kissing. Two singing birds pattern-fly with heart-pattern above them. After a longish time the birds have completely exhausted themselves and sit sulking on the couple's shoulders. Finally EÓWYN and FARAMIR tire of kissing. ÉOWYN: We must find a faster way to catch the Armies of the West. There is something wrong with these horses. FARAMIR: I have an idea. He takes two pairs of sneakers from his bag. FARAMIR: These are Boorman sneakers(tm). I would never product place any other sneakers because these sneakers are the BEST. Boorman sneakers(tm) make you run fast like the wind and look fashionably boorish hanging around in a mall. Boorman sneakers(tm) - for valaristic living! They put the sneakers on and dismount. The camera zooms outwards revealing that the gray scenery was just boring paint on a wall and the place is a mall somewhere and the horses were all the time coin-operated mechanical toy horses. A crowd of small children is lined up to wait for their turn in riding the horses. LITTLE BOY: That's about the time! You should let other people to play, too! ÉOWYN and FARAMIR run out through the front door, while the little boy and his friends start fighting over the mechanical horses. SOMEWHERE WE CAN'T SEE PROPERLY SARUMAN: I know what I'm going to do... THE SCREEN GOES BLANK. TEXT APPEARS: New Line Cinema presents the first steps of interactive cinema! You can vote what Saruman will do by pressing one or more buttons in the box you have been given at the start of the show. Will he... a. Conquer the world starting from Gondor. b. Conquer the world starting from Mordor. c. Eat a ridiculously long sandwich. d. Take revenge on Gandalf. e. Re-reanimate Wormtongue. f. Ravage Shire. g. Shoot magic around for no reason at all. h. Kill Sauron. i. Kill Sauron and reanimate him to torture him forever. j. Steal the One Ring. k. Make new Two Ring. l. Time travel. m. Become the director of the movie. n. Attack Aman. o. Demand to be called Saruman the White regardless of everything. p. Have an affair with Arwen. q. Have an affair with Sauron. r. Build a giant robot. s. Fly around in a B-52 bomber. t. Buy New Line Cinema. u. Turn people into toads. v. Become a Vala. W. Supplant Eru Ilúvatar. x. Sleep on the couch. y. Learn to play banjo. z. Shoot magic through the silver screen, killing the audience. INSIDE A THEATER People punch their buttons. Then they punch each other. On the screen some graphs move but it's unclear what graph means what. Finally one graph starts to blink. The audience starts to complain and demand a recount. Recount is done. Another graph starts to blink. The demands of recount continue unabated. It is agreed to do exactly one hundred recounts. After one hundred recounts three candidated have equal number of wins. It is decided to do one thousand additional recounts. Everyone busies themselves with recounts and no one watches the screen when a text appears in cruel GREENISH letters: I WILL DO WHAT I WANT!!! YOUR OR NEW LINE CINEMA'S OPINION DOESN'T MATTER. NOW DECIDE SO THAT WE CAN GET ON WITH THE MOVIE!!! Next page (Page 22)

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