Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Eol of Nan Elmoth at TolkienOnline.com

EXT: ROAD TO MINAS TIRITH In the distance, a single rider can bee seen pursued by a NAZGUL upon a winged steed. ZOOM in on the rider. It is FARAMIR, desperately trying to make his way back to the city. PIPPIN: Fifty bucks says he doesn't make it. BEREGOND: Your on, hobbit boy. The NAZGUL gains on FARAMIR until it is right along side him. It produces a scimitar and hacks the legs out from under FARAMIR's horse, then swoops up into the sky ready to dive upon him. From nowhere a props man appears and hands FARAMIR an oar, who desperately tries to propel the stricken horse forward, but it keels over and he is cast off. He starts to run. BEREGOND: Run Faramir, run! As the NAZGUL dives toward FARAMIR his winged steed suddenly drops from the sky, an arrow from the bow of EOWYN in it's throat. The NAZGUL falls off and starts to run after FARAMIR. Cue CHARIOTS OF FIRE theme. PIPPIN: Hey, no fair! Interference! EOWYN: Well I can't just let my future love-interest die can I? BEREGOND: Future love-interest? Really? I thought PJ cut that bit out. (flicks through script) Didn't he say it would detract from the main romance between Aragorn and Arwen? EOWYN: Who cares, he has a nice ass. FARAMIR stops running and turns to face the NAZGUL FARAMIR: I shall run from you no longer, creature of Sauron! (he produces a RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICH) NAZGUL: (in a voice sounding like Alan Rickman) You cannot defeat me, son of Denethor! (also produces a RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICH) FARAMIR: I'll have you know this very sandwich was forged in the kitchens of Maedhros the one-handed, son of Feanor. This is the very sandwich he took for his lunch to the Nirnaeth Arnoediad! Legend has it he forgot his sword, and had to use this sandwich for the entire battle. It is said he slew a thousand orcs that day... NAZGUL: (still sounding like Alan Rickman) Really...well I'll have you know that this is the very sandwich Morgoth Bauglir was about to eat when the challenge came from Fingolfin, High King of the Noldor. The orcs has been playing with Grond, and had buried it in the sand-pit, so he had to use this sandwich to defeat the Elven King! They battle, the RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICH fight lasting for several minutes, neither opponent being able to best the other. Suddenly a SMALL SLICE OF TOMATO flies out of the sandwich of the NAZGUL and strikes FARAMIR in the forehead. He is knocked out cold. PIPPIN: All right Beregond, pay up. BEREGOND: That's not fair! That Nazgul cheated! PIPPIN: Oh come on. The old 'piece of tomato in the sandwich' gag is the oldest trick in the book! If Faramir is such a great captain he should have been expecting that. Now gimme my fifty bucks! BEREGOND: Oh all right...wait a second, who is that! (he points to a white figure riding out to meet the NAZGUL) It's Gandalf! PIPPIN: Stupid wizard... As the NAZGUL prepares to strike the death-blow a bolt of white light cuts his RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICH in half. He looks up to see GANDALF riding towards him on FATTY LUMPKIN. GANDALF: Begone, foul creature! Get thee gone! NAZGUL: (laughing) What on earth are you doing riding on that ridiculous thing? What happened to Shadowfax? Hey isn't that Bombadil's pony Fatty Lumpkin? GANDALF: Name him not! That is no longer his name. Peter Jackson has decided 'fatty' is an offensive term, and is not politically correct. From now on, he shall be known as 'The Slightly Overweight Pony Formerly Known as Fatty'. Besides, we were getting complaints from S.O.P.W.E.D. NAZGUL: S.O.P.W.E.D? GANDALF: Society Of Ponies With Eating Disorders. NAZGUL: Oh...anyway it's time for you to die wizard! (he brandishes the HALF A RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICH menacingly) GANDALF: I don't think so pal! (a bolt of white lightning shoots from his hand and blows the NAZGUL to pieces. GANDALF then picks up the unconscious body of FARAMIR and puts him up onto THE SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT PONY FORMERLY KNOWN AS FATTY behind him, removing the piece of TOMATO embedded in his forehead) BEREGOND: Looks like you owe me fifty bucks now, buddy. PIPPIN: Only if he survives the Houses of Healing...(he grins maliciously) FADES TO BLACK

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

THE WALLS OF MINAS TIRITH EASTERLING #1 has managed to scale the wall. He is met by BEREGOND. A battle scene full five minutes long starts. It is filled with dazzling swordplay and Hong Kong action film like slow-motion. The EASTERLING throws a couple of ninja throwing stars which BEREGOND dodges like NEO did in MATRIX. Finally BEREGOND drives his sword through EASTERLING's stomach. It comes out unblooded. An EXTRA WITH THE BUCKET appears. He is a dimply youth with a wristwatch, glasses, a pierced nose, and a T-shirt with the text THE BUCKET-HAI SQUADRON. EXTRA WITH THE BUCKET: (to EASTERLING #1) Excuse me sir, could you please hand me your blood and entrails, sir? We can't have you spilling them all over the place, sir. EASTERLING #1: Here you are. (hands his entrails and blood the the EXTRA) EASTERLING #1 dies. The EXTRA WITH THE BUCKET walks to the side and empties his bucket to a big container with the text: ACCESSORIES FOR THE DVD VERSION. BEREGOND prepares to take on EASTERLING #2. THE WALLS OF MINAS TIRITH PIPPIN is fighting EASTERLING #3, a giant of a man. Five minutes of battle follows, exactly similar to the scene before because the fight choreographer was having an unimaginative day. However, in the end Pippin drops his sword. The EASTERLING raises his sword high for a killing stroke, when mysteriously he loses his footing and falls down. He falls straigh to PIPPIN's sword, which had landed in a very unlikely way, standing balanced on its hilt, blade straight up. EASTERLING #3: Unfair! How can I slip on entrails when all the spilled entrails have been carried away. (dies) STRING OF SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST: Look down Pippin! It's me! He slipped on me! PIPPIN: String of Sausages Formerly Known as Pot Roast, the most rotten of all biodegradable foodstuffs, the traitor! Tell me why I should not compost you at once! STRING OF SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS POT ROAST: I was decapitated. With my first sausage gone, a new sausage had to assume the responsibility of thinking for the string. My new head would never betray you. PIPPIN: All right then. Let's take you to the Houses of Healing. That sausage stump hasn't been properly tended. THE DOORS OF THE HOUSES OF HEALING ÉOWYN with MERRY is trying to get inside. The muscular form of IORETH blocks the way. The corridor is bare stone lit by torches. Behind the doors can be seen colored lights and the faint thump of 80's disco music. IORETH: No visitors, guests, gawkers, door-to-door salesmen, tourist guides, interior designers, or state officials. Only the sick are allowed. Go away. ÉOWYN raises her sword threateningly. IORETH looks unimpressed. MERRY: Remember, Éowyn, that the Elves are supposed to be good. You should kill only bad creatures like Orcs and Arwens. ÉOWYN: Good you reminded me. I almost forgot. Because of my Elven nature I am incapable of committing a deed like it. Now let's go and get ourselves wounded in the battle outside. They go. DENETHOR arrives from the opposite direction. IORETH: No state officials. DENETHOR grabs a torch and lits himself on fire. IORETH throws a bucket of water over him and lets him in. THE GATES OF MINAS TIRITH: GANDALF stands on the parapet above the gate. Before the gate the WITCH KING sits on a black horse. GANDALF: You will not pass. The gate is made of steel, diamond, mithril, and really advanced stuff like monofilament thread and little nanobots that disassemble everything that tries to harm the gate. You cannot possibly break it. You will not pass. WITCH KING: Your words are empty. I will pass, for I wield the Hammer of the Underworld of Truth, the truth that will break through the lies, the deceptions, and the unfaithful additions! The HAMMER OF THE UNDERWORLD OF TRUTH is brought by Trolls. It is a great big ironbound copy of The Lord of the Rings. The gate shatters completely with the third hit.

Posted by Myrdock at TolkienOnline.com

GANDALF: Good Gracious! Then he screams like a school-girl and RUNS. And the iron-bound LOTR rolls on. And the iron-bound LOTR rolls on.

Posted by Ringgamer at TolkienOnline.com

EXT - PELENNOR (the word Pelennor is scratched out and "FIELD IN FRONT OF MINAS TIRITH" is scribbled in over the top of it. One writer whispers, "No one will know the difference.") The LORD of the NAZGUL (previously known as either the Witch-King or King of Witches, we're not really sure) on his BIG BLACK HORSE cackles at the fleeing GANDALF. LofN: Come back here, I'll bite your legs off! GANDALF exits stage right, regardless. LORD of the NAZGUL turns and rides off, but a SPLOOP is heard and he disappears. CUT TO: another part of the field. Many MEN on HORSES are riding around waving swords and yelling. Some of them are singing, but because no one in the production took the time to research Tolkien's writings on Rohirric battle songs, it sounds like a strange combination of Free Bird and Wild Thing. MERRY and EOWYN appear, running into the middle of the battle from the other direction. MERRY is singing Wild Thing, but he doesn't know the right words. EOWYN: I could have sworn there was something at the gate that we could have killed. MERRY: Well, I told you it wasn't Gandalf. You made him soil his armor, coming around the corner with your sword over your head like that. EOWYN: He was just scared because he didn't realize all great cross-dressing warriors are supposed to have clevage like this. MERRY: (aside) You don't know the half of it. They ride against traffic. EOWYN slashes left and right, taking out some of her own troops in the process. MERRY hides behind her and tries to keep up. Suddenly, THEODEN rides past them, singing a very lusty rendition of Stairway to Heaven. He is momentarily distracted by EOWYN. THEODEN: Holy *$#@&! look at the clevage on that Rider of Rohan! Oh son, come here once... While distracted, THEODEN fails to notice a large black shape descending directly on him. The LARGE BLACK SHAPE crashes down like an anvil on top of THEODEN. THEODEN: OOF! The LARGE BLACK SHAPE reveals itself to be the LORD of the NAZGUL, having traded his horse over in Props for a big winged thing that makes every D&D fanboy in the audience wet himself in joy. LoN: Tag! You're it! THEODEN: I called no tagbacks! LoN: Fine, I tagged your horse, and your horse tagged you. Nyeah nyeah! SNOWMANE: Don't I get a say in this? (SNOWMANE dies) THEODEN: Ugghh!!! (faints) EOWYN runs over, MERRY a few steps behind. EOWYN: Hold it, vile foul thing! LoN: (wearily) What do YOU want? EOWYN: Are you really Arwen in disguise? LoN: Uhhh...no, last time I checked, no. EOWYN: Drat. MERRY: Wait, he's wearing black. EOWYN: That's right! And as everyone knows, if you wear black, you must be on the Evil Team! Therefore I must kill you now! You killed my father...er...the man I loved like a father... MERRY: Me too! EOWYN: ...prepare to die! LoN: Fool! Don't you know that no living man may hinder me? DEAD SOLDIER ON FIELD: Wait a minute. Did you say hinder? What about our rating? LoN: HInder, with a short "i." DEAD SOLDIER: Oh. (dies again) EOWYN: You look like a very good fighter. LoN: Then why are you smiling like that? EOWYN: (bad Spanish accent) Because I know something that you do not know. LoN: And what is that? EOWYN whips off her helm, causing a couple yards of flowing blond hair to stream freely. A well-timed WIND comes out of nowhere and blows her hair out, and blows off most of her clothing as well. She stands before the LORD of the NAZGUL and his CREEPY WINGED THING, chest thrust out, hair flowing in the uncanny WIND, lips pouting, skirt shortened. EOWYN: I am not a man! LoN: Well, duh. They fight. MERRY is almost forgotten, but stands behind the LORD of the NAZGUL waving his sword blindly. One swing slashes the LORD of the NAZGUL behind the knee. LoN: AAAAGHHH!!!! That's my Achilles tendon! I'll be out for the rest of the season! EOWYN: Ha HA! (leaps forward and stabs the LORD of the NAZGUL through the middle. The BUCKET-HAI flunkie runs out with his BUCKET, but since NAZGUL are wraiths, there are no entrails to mop up and save for later) BUCKET-HAI: Damn! (exits left) LoN: What have you done? Look, I'm melting! Meltiiinnnggg.... (LORD of the NAZGUL disappears) MERRY uncovers his eyes and sees what happens. MERRY: You know, I just had the strangest sense of deja vu. Like we've done this before. EOWYN: Nah, that was just a dream sequence. Now...where did Arwen go? ------------ Now...is it time for Frodo and Sam to climb the stairs to Shelob yet?

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

"Behind the Scenes During The Siege of Minias Tirith" -------------------------------- THE SCREEN IS BLACK, and all you here are voices in the darkness... DENETHOR: "The Calvery will not come to save us." RANDOM ADVISOR: "Ummmm... I assume you mean the Rohirrim." DENETHOR: "The who? No, I am referring to the Calvery that always show up to save the good guys in movies." RANDOM ADVISOR: "I see..." THE SCENE FADES IN. DENETHOR is sitting atop a lofty throne at the steps beneath the throne reserved for the King, should he ever return. A vast chessboard is laid out before him, with countless pieces that represent every major aspect of the conflict. The PALANTIR is sitting on a table next to him - he apparently is no longer bothing to conceal it. DENETHOR reaches for a white piece, and then hesitates, saying: "It is all a game of chess with the Dark Lord - a vast game where pieces are armies, and countless can be killed with a single move." DENETHOR then proceeds to make a hideously stupid move. He then returns to waiting for some outside force to move the black pieces. RANDOM ADVISOR: "Uh, shouldn't you be trying to win this big game of chess for the world, boss?" DENETHOR: "Can YOU do any better?" RANDOM ADVISOR then takes back Denethor's last move and makes another, checkmating black's king. SCENE CUTS TO THE DARK TOWER. SAURON is sitting in front of a chessboard that has the same game upon it as DENETHOR, and he has just lost. SAURON: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" THE DARK TOWER trembles and begins to collapse, when DENETHOR moves the pieces back to where they were before, saying, "I'll finish this game myself, thank you." EVERYTHING RETURNS TO THE WAY IT WAS. --------------------------- ON THE WALLS OF MINIAS TIRITH PIPPIN, looking up at the endless swarm of heads: "Okay, now that's just cheating - they are tossing fruit at us now! Sheesh, what type of low budget film would run out of heads at such a key time!" BEREGOND: "Oh wait - I think they've found some more!" HEADS OF PURISTS start flying over the walls. PIPPIN: "Odd. I don't recognize any of those people." TOLKIEN'S HEAD flies over the wall. BEREGOND: "And that one didn't look like anyone I know, but my memory only goes back a few days, so maybe that's the problem." PIPPIN: "You know, maybe we shouldn't be standing here, dumbly gauking at heads." BEREGOND: "Until the script writers give us something else to do, we are stuck doing this." TIME PASSES: PIPPIN: "This is getting rather boring, and I am really tired." BEREGOND: "Well, since they are now tossing sheep into the city, try counting them." ------------------------ TIME PASSES: COMMAND CENTER OF MINIAS TIRITH GANDALF walks up to speak to DENETHOR, but he stops and notices the PALANTIR. GANDALF: "AH! So you DO have one of these! And how did you get your hands on one of these wonders of the Ancient World, oh great Steward of Gondor?" DENETHOR: "I bought it at a garage sale, why do you ask? Or are you just green because I have a Seeing Stone and you don't?" GANDALF: "I am White, not Green." LONG AWKWARD PAUSE. DENETHOR sticks his tongue out at GANDALF. GANDALF: "Moving right along, what are we going to do about THAT!" He turns and points to a large holo-display in the center of the room. It shows an eagle-eye view of Minias Tirith, and lots of red dots, representing Enemy soldiers, are swarming near it. In the background, there is a large red dot, moving slowly towards the city. GANDALF: "They will be within firing range in less than an hour. You remember what happened at Alderaan? We must stop Grond, before it is too late!" PRINCESS LEIA: "I will never forget what they did there... Say, are you related to Obi Wan?" GANDALF: "He's my other brother. Seriously now, we have to do something about the battering ram of doom. Who's commanding the forces?" DENETHOR: "Some kid." GANDALF: "Um, why is a KID leading your forces right now?!" DENETHOR: "Hey, don't get smart with me! Just because I flunked out of Wizard School doesn't mean I don't know a thing or two! And I've got the Seeing Stone and you don't, so there!" He makes a face at GANDALF, and then says: "Everyone kept telling me the kid was really good - he's called Skywalker or something like that." GANDALF: "And what of the Witch-King, or the King-Witch, or whatever he calls himself now?" DENETHOR: "Isn't he DEAD?!" GANDALF: "No, that was the other him. The script writers got a bit mixed up, and now there are several Lords of the Nazgul running around, each with different names. This is the King of the Witches." DENETHOR: "I thought he changed his name to a symbol... Well, he, like all wise leaders, leads his troops from behind, just like I do. That's why I send even my own sons into battle. I guess when the Witch King shows up, you'll just have to kick his @ss over the hills." GANDALF: "Well, that's a plan." GANDALF turns to leave. Then, at the door he turns and says: "Oh, I forgot to mention that Faramir is near death in the Houses of Healing. Bye!" ---------------------------- The fires outside the walls flared up, and vast engines of war rolled over the hills. In their midsts was a great ram - the final tool of destruction. It had been carved from a great forest tree a hundred feet in length, and long it had been forged in the dark smithies of Mordor. It's head was in the shape of a great copy of The Lord of the Rings, and runes of Truth were placed upon it to rend heart and stone. Grond it was called, in memory of the Hammer of the Underworld of old. Great beasts pulled, Orcs surrounded it, behind it walked Mountain Trolls to wield it, and countless tourists followed it. Grond crawled on. No fire would light upon its housing, and though now and again some beast that drew would cry out in pain and run madly through the ranks for the fun of it, another rose up to take its place. Grond crawled on. Though resistance was still strong about the Gate, nothing could stand for long against the great copy of The Lord of Rings. It reached the Gate. It swung. There was a echoing crash throughout the City - enough to wake even Pippin from his slumber. Then, the King of the Witches rode at least over the hills. He advanced slowly, heeding no dart and trampling the fallen. He then looked out across the City and drew forth his Pale Sword. It flashed with a sickly green-white light, and the world stood still. He cried out a curse in the tongue of Mordor, and again the ram swung and crashed against steel and stone. Thrice he cried, and thrice the ram struck - on the third blow, the Gates were shattered with a flash, as if blasted with lightning. KING OF THE WITCHES: "I have no idea how they got that Gate up again that fast. Strange, I feel like I have done all this before." He pulls out his copy of The Lord of the Rings and flips through it. KING OF THE WITCHES: "Well, since the other versions of me failed, I guess it's up to me!" ------------------- In rode the Lord of the Nazgul, grown to a vast shadow of despair against the fires beyond. In rode the Lord of the Nagul, beneath the archway that no enemy had ever yet passed. In rode the Lord of the Nazgul, and all fled before his face. All save one. Well, two if you count Gandalf's horse. Gandalf sat alone atop Fatty Lumpkin near the Gate, quietly munching on a sandwich. KING OF THE WITCHES: "Ahem." GANDALF: "Aren't you dead?" KING OF THE WITCHES: "No, that was one of the other versions of me. I am the one who brought the ram named Grond, but all bear a copy of The Lord of the Rings to shattered the lies of this City. Now, say your lines!" GANDALF: "What? Oh, yes... You cannot pass! I am a Guardian of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor-" KING OF THE WITCHES: "Oh, come on! You got it right in rehersal!" GANDALF: "What? Oh, yeah... You cannot enter here! Go back! Go back to the Sh!thole prepared for you and your Master - go back!" KING OF THE WITCHES: "Close enough. Old fool! Old fool, do you not recognize Death when you see it! Die now, and curse in -" GANDALF leaps off LUMPKIN and lunges at the KING OF THE WITCHES while wielding a copy of GLAMDRING in both hands! GANDALF: "For the SHIRE! FREEDOM!!" KING OF THE WITCHES: "Oh, can't you just let me finish my lines for ONCE!" KING OF THE WITCHES ignites the Pale Sword, and begins a duel with GANDALF at the Gates of Minias Tirith. DUAL OF THE FATES starts playing in the background. FATTY LUMPKIN TO GANDALF'S SANDWICH: "I bet you fifty bucks he doesn't make it!" SANDWICH: "You're on!"

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

BARAD-DÛR, SAURON'S THRONE ROOM The place has changed, though the flames and skulls are still there. It is better lighted and there is a long buffet table on one side. A captured Spice Girl in a birdcage is singing one of their hits. Sauron and a crowd of confused-looking officers have gathered in the room. In their hands they hold cocktail glasses and cocktail sticks. They are having a cocktail party. SAURON: (throwing his cocktail stick towards the Spice Girl) You there in that cage! Start singing Wannabe at once instead of that soppy ballad! MOUTH OF SAURON: Excuse me Your Evilness, but I cannot comprehend the meaning of this charade. SAURON: Isn't it obvious? MOUTH OF SAURON: My mind being no match for your superior Maia intelligence, I must regretfully answer in a negative fashion. SAURON: Fashion? What clothes have to do with this situation? MOUTH OF SAURON: Nothing, nothing - I mean of course we wear them, BUT... SAURON: What? MOUTH OF SAURON: What I MEANT was that I don't understand why we are having this little cocktail party. SAURON: Well, you were always a bit slow. Remember, the great authority Alan Lee just said on the Internet that Orthanc would be a good place to have a cocktail party. Since everyone knows Orthanc is just a child's copy of MY Brad-dûr, this must be an even better place to have a cocktail party. The best in the world. I'm about to prove it to the world. MOUTH OF SAURON: I wish you luck in your difficult - I mean easy - I mean, task that would be difficult for others but is most certainly easy for you, O Thrice Exalted Lord of Depravity. SAURON: And that's not all... Here, take a cocktail stick. (He does.) SAURON: (cont.) I have learned that Wizard Kebabs are currently all the rage. Everyone talks of them. This is a more refined version of them, a Wizard-on-a-Stick(R). Straight from Isengard, guaranteed genuine Wizard, not particularly maggoty, with a special cheese sauce. The MOUTH OF SAURON looks at his stick. The flesh on it is badly cooked. The cheese looks very dubious. A magical burst of wizarly energy crawls over its surface. The Mouth turns discreetly purple. SAURON: Why don't you take a bite and tell us what do you think of it? An ASSISTANT DEPUTY BACKUP CORPORAL OF THE LEGIONS OF TERROR takes a bite of his Wizard-on-a-stick. He dies spectacularly within seconds due to magic inherent in a wizard attacking his innards, demonstrating to the room why he never got promoted any higher. Everyone turns to look except Sauron who doesn't seem to notice. SAURON: (to the MOUTH) Come on, take a bite. MOUTH OF SAURON: I was thinking of why wouldn't you stitch the cocktail pieces together and reanimate Saruman so you could torture him forever? It would seem like a supremely evil thing to me... He is interrupted by a MESSENGER that arrives in the room. MESSENGER: Lord, lord! The Lord of the Nazgûl has died! SAURON: Which one? MESSENGER: I don't know, lord. They said the Lord of the Nazgûl. SAURON: From your message the corpse could as well be ME, and that's treasonous talk on top on the incompetence. Guards, take this man away. (They do.) SAURON: Now someone find out who was the one that died at once! MOUTH OF SAURON: I'll go, O Master of All that Is Vile and Foul. He leaves and comes back almost at once. In that time Sauron had managed to kill two of his staff by compulsing them to eat his snacks. MOUTH OF SAURON: O Eternal Emperor of Eminem, I have found that the identity of the deceased one was Lorderick "Lord" vôn Snitzêl of Númenor, the Nazgûl Trainee. SAURON: You mean that little lordling who has been a trainee since the Second Age? MOUTH OF SAURON: That is correct, O Sinister Serpent of Profound Wickedness. The Witch King acceded to his repeated requests for something more demanding than fluttering all over the place screaming at trees. From that the Wich King deducted Lorderick had misread the map he had been issued and instead of spreading terror in Minas Tirith he had flown to the Drúadan forest and thought IT was called Minas Tirith. (He was not very good at Elven languages, by the way.) Then the Witch King decided he would be given a landbound duty and the King of Witches agreed. So he was the one to get in the way of the maid Éowyn rampage. SAURON: Good that this is now clear. Everyone, let's go watch the execution of that messenger. We'll continue the cocktail party later. Everyone leaves. The lights are dimmed. GLORFINDEL comes out from under the buffet table where he had been hiding. He takes a key from a peg on the wall and opens the cage of the Spice Girl. She comes out and is revealed to be ARWEN. GLORFINDEL: It's really lucky they all left so I could come to save you. ARWEN: I vouldn't zay you zaved me. You just took care of your part according to the plan I had made to zpy Sauron. GLORFINDEL: What plan? I thought a group of Nazgûl surprised and captured you for Sauron's cocktail party while I was visiting behind the bush. ARWEN: I must have forgotten to tell you. But my plan vaz zo good you did it anyvay. The great Arwen is never zurprized. You zhould know it but I know you are not very klever, even if your heart iz in the right place. GLORFINDEL: I stole a Fell Beast. If we hurry we still have time to get to the Battle of Pelennor Fields. They leave.

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW IN THE UPPERMOST TOWER OF BARADUR: GLORFINDEL: "Now where did I park that Fell Beast?" As he looks about, it becomes apparent that there are actually a horde of varioud Fell Beast hovering in the air. Most look utterly absurd - more like winged monsters from a Dr. Suess book than Nazgul. ARWEN: "If you keep diz up, I vill not be happy!" GLORFINDEL: "Keep your leather bikini on - I'm looking for where I parked. Hmmm... My Fell Beast had green fur, a pink nose, and 3 eyes. Seen one like that?" ARWEN: "Over der!" GLORFINDEL: "Of course! Now I remember! I wonder where I get this ticket validated..." ARWEN snatches the ticket and tears it up, saying: "ENOUGH! Enough of dez zilly jokes! I vant to kill the Nazgul! Then, it'z on to Zauron!" GLORFINDEL just shakes his head and sobs before calling out to the beast, "Here Narf!, Here Narf!" The creature, named Narf, flew over to the window. AWREN and GLORFINDEL jump onto it, and they begin to fly away from the window. Just then, A HORDE OF ORCS RUSH THE WINDOW! However, there is nothing on the other side, so they all fall out of the tower. Naturally, they then end up skewered on countless Spiked Wheelie Thingies that line the sides of Baradur for just such an occassion. ORC LEADER #2 (Standing at the window in front of more Orcs): "Okay boys, the first group didn't make it, so now it's our turn! Let's leap for the Lidless Eye!" NOBODY MOVES. ORC LEADER #2 (To his troops): "It's either this or more of Sauron's snacks!" ALL BUT ONE ORC LEAP OUT THE WINDOW. The remaining portly Orc burps and heads back to the dinner hall. ORC CAPTAIN #3: "Yes! Now it's my turn!" ---------------------------------- NOT LONG AFTER. GLORFINDEL: "Well, were are making good time, you know." ARWEN: "Yez, except for ven ve stopped to give that old man directions." GLORFINDEL: "What? You mean the big guy with the white beard and the red robes in that sleigh? I thought he was a friend of Gandalf's - I mean, he looked like a Wizard. Besides, he had flying reighdeer and claimed that he could deliver toys to everyone in the world in one night. He's gotta be a wizard! How else are kids going to get their Offical Lord of the Rings Toys?" LONG SILENCE. ARWEN: "Maybe zo, but I vant no more delays!" SOUNDS OF SIRENS BEHIND THEM. GLORFINDEL: "Oh, crap! I knew I shouldn't have been speeding! I told you that the Trans-Mordor Airway was a 55 zone, but no, you had to be all snooty about it! I should just-" ARWEN SMACKS GLORFINDEL, KNOCKING HIM OUT, AND TAKES CONTROL OF THE FELL BEAST. THE POLICE NAZGUL DRAWS CLOSER. Arwen realizes that she can't escape, so she pulls over. THE FELL BEAST IS HOVERING IN THE AIR, AND THE POLICE NAZGUL FLIES UP NEXT TO HER. POLICE NAZGUL: "Do you know how fast you were going?" ARWEN: "I don't like numbers - or people like you. I vant to crush things, and I am very mad right now! VERY MAD! I vas to be the star of dis movie, but zey put in other people ven it should be 6 hours of just me! I AM VERY VERY MAD!" POLICE NAZGUL: "Oh. Okay. Bye!" POLICE NAZGUL TURNS AND RACES AWAY. ARWEN: "Now it iz time for smashing of thingz. I vill find vichever Nazgul iz in charge and smuch him!" FELL BEAST RACES BACK TO GONDOR. ------------------------------------------ AT THE GATES OF MINIAS TIRITH GANDALF is now in Super-Wizard mode. He is wearing pure white armor that blazes like the sun, and a black belt is around his waist and wild "kung-fu master" tattooes line his arms. He is throwing countless copies of Glamdring at the King of the Witches at such speed that his arms are a blur, and the ground is litters with blazing pieces of swords. The King of the Witches is deflecting some his weapons off his shield, while slicing up others with the Pale Sword, which is spinning at ridiculous speeds like a blender blade. Most of the warriors on both sides of the army have stopped fighting just to watch this duel. Finally, the inevitable happens: the King of the Witches and Gandalf get too close to each other. There is the sound of metal tearing and a blazing flash of greenish fire, followed by a shower of Glamdrings. The Gate collapses in ruin, and a huge explosion follows - apparently, the stones were all full of gunpowder. Smoke fills the area and flames crackle. Both sides of the army shrug and resume their fighting. Soon, the Gates are silent. Then, there is the faint sound of a pager buzzing. The King of the Witches claws out of the wreckage and looks at his pager. KING OF THE WITCHES: "Oh, crud. I have to be going. Now where did I put that sword? Oh, well, no time to look." HE TELEPORTS AWAY. A few moments later, FATTY LUMPKING shambles over to wreckage and starts nosing through the ruins. He then finds the end of GANDALF'S hair and starts munching on it. GANDALF (Still out of it): "Was that my pager? Where am I? Oh, yeah..." HE NOTICES FATTY LUMPKIN. GANDALF: "Aw, thanks Fatty for saving me. You're really a nice - Hey, cut that out!" FATTY LUMPING CONTINUES TO MUNCH ON GANDALF'S HAIR. GANDALF: "What are you? A goat? Knock it off?" FATTY LUMPKIN IGNORES HIM. GANDALF: "Stop it or I'll make you into sandwich!" GANDALF'S SANDWICH: "Hey! Don't insult me!" FATTY LUMPKIN WANDERS BACK TO THE SANDWICH. GANDALF: "Hmmm.. What am I supposed to do next?" HE TAKES OUT HIS COPY OF THE SCRIPT AND STARTS READING... Next page (Page 20)

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