Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

(continued) (PJ, LIV TYLER, SEAN ASTIN and VIGGO MORTENSEN, the only survivors from Liv's murderous rampage, are released from the prison. Liv waves goodbye to the policemen.) LIV: Goodbye boys! See you in the private Aerosmith concert my father promised you! LIV: (to PJ) See, my father COULD convince the investigators that every one of us was physically and psychologically incapable of murder. I have won our bet. Now I demand the prize, the directorship of the movie! PJ: (weakly) No... LIV: Would you rather be a condemned mass murderer? My father can revoke his statement of you, you know... POLICEMAN ONE: Could I please get your autograph, miss. It's for the children. LIV: Here you are. And good luck in hunting that murderous Easter Bunny of Mordor! (PJ retires and LIV takes over directing. She gets herself twenty-six nude scenes. There is a long shot where SEAN massages Liv's feet while VIGGO dances the dance of the seven veils. Liv personally butchers 1,699,873 Orcs and the EASTER BUNNY OF MORDOR. ÉOWYN's only scene is the one where she dies on a big spiky wheel. All references to the One Ring are cut completely. (The movies become a huge hit and make more money than than all the movies in the last ten years combined. Some rabid purists make bomb strikes to theaters but no one cares. A new Liv-worshipping religion springs up. Liv wins every Academy Award imaginable, including the best female lead, the best male lead, the best director, the best script, and even the one given to the best talking dog. People spontaneously decide to declare Liv the sovereign Empress of all the Earth and she agrees gracefully. Golden and purple shooting stars streak the sky and the nightingales sing the tunes of Aerosmith while Liv discovers the secret of physical immortality. The air is full of scented colors and the stars circle round Liv's head and a door opens and gold coins tinkle when Liv treads over her enemies to the sea which is made of beauty and power and good hair days and bright light and wanton violence and where she immerses herself at last at the touch with her inner nature, the Easter Bunny of Mordor came alive in a cataclysm that will destroy the world and all that live within it with one cruel and shattering strike of her razor-sharp and bloody talons that reach for the sun to rend it to pieces... (...while PJ sits alone and grieving in a dingy apartment...) PJ: O great Meta-Scriptwriters that live outside of the outside of the bounds of time! Hear my call! I have unleashed Liv but I feel really sorry and please would you do something to that please? (As LIV/EASTER BUNNY OF MORDOR savages the sun the world starts to fade to black. Gradually a new image appears. ARWEN lies on the grass with a pipeweed pipe on her side. Nearby lies a dismembered fluffy bunny, the RABBIT WHICH WASN'T COOKED BY SAM IN ITHILIEN DUE TO CUTS, which couldn't avoid its dark doom of dying in this movie any more than TÚRIN TURAMBAR did in Silmarillion.) ARWEN: Wow man. This pipeweed stuff is great. Now I'm going to Minas Tirith to kill everyone that my vision will come true. ... Now which way was Minas Tirith again?

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

But behold! The Four Horsemen of the Neo-Apocolypse appeared to deal with Arwen. The First was a thin creature, clad in a rotting suit, sitting astride a horse with a golden coat and reigns of red tape. Wire-framed glasses were set upon his raven-like nose, and his hair was thinning. He spoke, "I am Waste, Servant of the IRS, and I have come for your money!" The Second appeared harmless, for he was riding his horse backwards, and seemed unware of the world around him. But his steed was vast and unstoppable. He was dressed in a jester's outfit, and a empty grin was upon his face. He turned to Arwen and said, "I am Ignorance, and I have come for your mind!" The Third seemed forgettable, clad in shades of grey upon a dull horse, with nothing to signify his power. He wore a hood over his face, and spoke in whispered tones. Behind him, there was a throng of people, gabbering in senseless tongues. He softly said, "I am Conformity, and I have come for your strength of will!" The Fourth appeared as a King, for his garb was noble and ornate, and jewels were set in his crown and upon his fingers. He bore an air of arrogance and great pride. His horse was green in color, and two scantily-clad woman were at his side - trophies in his dark mind. He loudly proclaimed, "I am Greed, destroyer of lives - and I have come for your soul!" All of this was beyond Arwen, for she embodied all four of the Neo-Horseman. She simply said, "Glad to see you guys!" They advanced upon her, immune to her weapons. Greed then spoke, "If you return those story to its rightful owner, you will earn a place among us!" Arwen agreed, and Greed laughed, for he had not specified which place she would take. Another nudible woman would be fine by him! And so the story was handed back to PJ, to continue its original descent!

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

The world ends and it's NOT NICE. Fade to black. Fade to a scene with ARWEN waking up on the grass with a pipeweed pipe AGAIN.) ARWEN: Now I understand why DRUGS are BAD. No one should ever do drugs for they are BAD. Bad things are not good and therefore you should not do drugs. If you use drugs you are a bad person and a hippie and being a hippie is not "in". Being a bad person can nover be in because being bad is bad and not good and no good person ever does drugs. (breaks the pipe in two and throws the pieces away) ARWEN: (cont.) What was I talking about? Oh, yes. I must say I had the strangest dreams or visions. I'd say visions because I'm an Elf and we Elves are spiritual beings. The second vision was a nasty one but the first was really great. I wonder if it was a true vision. If I tried to act it out by killing everyone at Pelennor Fields I might get to find out... PJ: You won't do it! My word is the law for I am the director and always have been except in your drug-induced delusions! I am going to cut down your role DRASTICALLY if you don't start to behave. I'll make you stay at home and KNIT! ARWEN: No you can't do that! You know I can't knit worth anything! I'll be a good warrior princess from now on! Believe me! Would I lie to you? Of course I wouldn't for I am one of the good guys. Everyone always says of me that - PJ: Silence! You have suddenly started to talk way too much. It must be the drugs. If you continue I will change your lines to South Park style lame anti-drug sermons like I did at the beginning of this scene! ARWEN: But - PJ: Cut!

Posted by Hama at TolkienOnline.com

GANDALF and PIPPIN enter MINAS TIRITH. Most of the guards they pass look somewhat damaged. Many are in bandages, and the uniforms they are wearing look burnt and half melted. Many of the houses seem to be suffering from burn damage as well. GANDALF: It seems the steward of Gondor is up to his old tricks again! PIPPIN: What do you mean? GANDALF: You’ll see! GANDALF and PIPPIN enter the white, but somewhat smoke blackened, tower. DENETHOR is here on a chair. The chair is smoldering somewhat. GANDALF: Hail lord and Steward of Gondor, Denethor son of Ecthelion! DENETHOR: Hail? GANDALF: And rain and thunder, though an area of high pressure is approaching from the west! I have come with counsel and tidings in this dark hour. DENETHOR: Dark indeed is the hour and at such times are you wont to come, Mithrandir! Though all signs forebode the doom of Gondor, less to me now is that darkness than my own darkness. I am told you bring one with you who saw my son die! Is this he? GANDALF: One of the twain. The other is with King Theoden in Rohan and may come hereafter. Halflings they are, as you see, but this is not he of whom the omens spoke. DENETHOR: One of the twain, eh? So he is twain compliant! But I see no RS232 interface about him? Though looks may belie the peripheral, we say. Yet he is a halfling still. And little love do I bear the name! DENETHOR leans forwards with a box of matches and attempts to set fire to PIPPIN’S cloak. It does not catch fire, as it is soaking wet. PIPPIN leaps back. DENETHOR: Hmm, you do not ignite very well. (reaches behind his seat and pulls out a can of oil, he throws this over PIPPIN). PIPPIN: Eurgh! GANDALF: My lord, what is this? DENETHOR: It is low sulphur diesel, grade 1. I find it burns well with a moderate heat. GANDALF: But it is not for you, Steward of Gondor, to order the incineration of this halfling. He is not yet in your service. DENETHOR: Then let him swear fealty to me so that I can burn him up. Would that I had some premium unleaded petrol, then I could really light a fire. DENETHOR gets up and chases PIPPIN all around the hall, while GANDALF leans upon his staff and watches. DENETHOR is armed with a LARGE FLAMING BRAND. PIPPIN: Gandalf! I do not want to be burnt up. GANDALF: He has a point, my lord! DENETHOR: But I am steward of Gondor and may incinerate whom I please. Oh for something really incendiary! You don’t happen to have any thermite grenades on you, do you? GANDALF: Nay my lord, they have not been invented yet. DENETHOR: Forgive an old man’s folly, but I really must burn the halfling. Oh, for some napalm. DENETHOR pulls out a BLOWTORCH and now chases PIPPIN around and round GANDALF. GANDALF: Folly? Nay my lord, when you run out of things to burn, you will incinerate yourself. Do not think that I do not understand your desire to burn up the one who knows least in this matter. DENETHOR: If you understand it, then be content. My pyromania would be a folly if I did not exercise it at need. But you deal out such judgments according to your own stature, Gandalf. Yet the Lord of Gondor shall not be told who he can and cannot burn to ashes, and to him there is no higher purpose than to stand upon the top of a huge gasometer and shout “LOOK MA, KING OF THE WORLD” GANDALF: And think you that you are the only one who has mastered the art of fire? For did you not know? I am a pyromaniac too! GANDALF raises his staff and lightnings flash down upon DENETHOR. The Steward of Gondor is now black from toe to crown, smoking slightly and coughing. GANDALF: I love the smell of burning steward in the morning! Come Pippin! They leave.

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

INTERLUDE IN RIVENDELL ARWEN sits knitting. She is wearing a pastel PINK AND PURPLE DRESS over her armor. Her maid GLORFINDEL sits nearby, knitting also. ARWEN: (throws her knitting down angrily) I can't ztand dat! Zitting inside, nein sword, nein enemies! I vant an enemy I can hack to zubatomic particles with mein ball of ztring! GLORFINDEL: Don't look at me that way, young lady. ARWEN: I ain't lady. I ain a varrior. My varrior blood vants an outlet, I can't knit at all, and that nasty needle keeps PRICKING MY FINGER! (starts to weep, then gathers herself and takes GLORFINDEL's knitting. Glorfindel takes ARWEN's work from the floor showing it to be so bad its function is unregocnizable.) ARWEN: (swallowing tears) They can't break me. I vill zhow them all. (Both start knitting their interchanged works.) GLORFINDEL: Cheer up lady, things are not that bad. Most people would be overjoyed to have even the smallest role. All Sean Connery could get was Head #784 to be flung over the walls of Minas Tirith and he's not complaining. I myself would prefer dressing in drag to being axed from the script altogether, as I said to PJ, even if I didn't expect him to take me literally. I got the job and I'm not complaining, even if PJ doesn't NEED give me a title that hints I am a VIRGIN. ARWEN: I am cheered up now. How iz our zecret plot going? GLORFINDEL: It is going. I have finished writing our petition and put it up on the Internet. ARWEN: Read it to me. GLORFINDEL: THE MOVIE INACCURACY AND DISINTEGRITY PETITION (that's the title, dear and next there is some names I'll skip) Since it was first announced that a film adaptation of this some old guy's children's book was in the works, hack-'n-slash enthusiasts all over the world have been filled with boredom, excitement, manic-depressiveness, and concern - concern over if 1) there is enough needless sex and violence 2) it all is PC enough. Most of us are thrilled that someone has seen the great dramatic potential inherent in the story of various good guys killing off various bad guys. We appreciate your challenge of keeping track of all those character names. However we have become deeply troubled by the conflicting reports regarding the nature of these adaptations. Our concerns center on Arwen, daughter of that boring elf who did nothing, described by Toklein as a pretty chick. In MacKallan's recent answer she is described as "I can". Some others have indicated this is not so. We fear now that the number of cans Arwen will be will be more than one (1). The optimistic ones among us are now hoping she will be made of steel instead of tin or some weaker substance. It is also stated that she will sit home knitting while her man gets to kill half of the bad guys on the continent. This ads up to a substantial departure from the basic Enjoyment Value in story otherwise too sparse in pretty chicks in revealing armor. The lack of those suggest that gore, coolness, feminism, pornography, and above all political correctness have all been discarded in the name of some old themes we are both uninterested in and unsympathetic to. We want to see Arwen as an unstoppable death machine. We want to Arwen have her nude scene, preferably several of them. We want to see the brave Glorfindel dropping the magic fairy ring to that volcano and we want him to wear trousers at the time. We want to see Glorfindel without trousers (that means the women among us, not me, understand?). We want to see special effects. And we know where you live. ARWEN: That vas vonderful. My thoughts exactly. GLORFINDEL: Thousands of prominent revisionists have already signed. And I have set lawyers to prove that MacKallan says nothing in his comment of you, lady. ARWEN: That ist good. I hate dat knitting. (She shows how the knitting GLORFINDEL started has become a jumble of threads.) GLORFINDEL: That's not so bad. Aragorn will be happy when he gets that flag, even if we had to tweak the timeline a bit so he'll get it later than the book would let one expect. ARWEN: He can't be happy. Dat thing is ein jumble of string. GLORFINDEL: It's a jumble of string with genuine jewels attached, dear. Next page (Page 18)

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