Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Milo Burrows at TolkienOnline.com

Back at Cirith Ungol. Sam: Frodo, my dear! Frodo: Am I still dreaming? But all the other dreams where so horrible. Sam: You are not dreaming at all, my sweetcheeks. It's me. Frodo: I can hardly believe it. First, there was an orc in stilletto boots, whipping me. And then some bare-naked ladies singing. And then Xenarwan slapped a horse silly. And to make things worse, I have this really bad song stuck in my head. I tried singing that, but then the orc started sneezing on me. Was that you? Sam: Yes, my honeybuns. It was indeed. For some reason, I think I am shedding. I had almost lost hope. I couldn't find you, with your supple arms and broad chest, and those Ian Thorpe-like feet. Frodo: Um, Sam. Is there something you need to say to me? Sam: Yes, my toodles. You know what they say about the size a man's feet. And as I can see, it is true. Frodo: But Sam, I am not a man, I am a hobbit. Sam: All the better, my bucklebury. Frodo: My bucklebury? And Frodo lay back in Sam's strong, yet gentle arms, closing his eyes. And Sam felt he could sit like that forever. Xenarwen: Director!! Ziz iz not fair. I wuz promized ze love zenez.

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

XENARWEN (almost apoplectic with rage) BUT - I - WAS - PROMISED - ZER - LOVE ZENE! VOICE OF PJ Xenarwen love, we decided: no love scenes with Aragorn beyond the chastest of Elven kisses. And definitely no nude scenes, with Aragorn, Faramir or ANYBODY. What these two little toe-rags think they're up to is anybody's guess. FRODO Did somebody mention toe-rags? I'm very partial to having my toes ragged. SAM We're being true to the book! So there! FRODO (sniggering) Well ... almost ... SAM Give or take a few extra endearments. FRODO You can call me your bucklebury as much as you like! SAM So, one up to the hobbit-boys, yeah? FRODO And Elf warrior princesses with terrible accents - nil! A CHORUS OF TOLKIEN FANS ON THE NET (wildly applauding) Yay! Go Frodo, go Sam! Down with XenArwen! SAM and FRODO See? They love US! They don't like YOU! XENARWEN I vill take my revenge. I vill zort out zat Eowyn cow firzt zoh. Camera cuts to EOWYN and MERRY hundreds of miles away, galloping gaily over the fields. EOWYN and MERRY Yoo-hoo everybody! Just off to save Gondor! Toodle-pip! EOWYN Got that sword ready, Merry? The special enchanted one from Westernesse? MERRY You betcha! Are you going to knock Aragorn dead or what, girl? EOWYN I'm gonna knock him dead! And the Witch King! EOWYN and MERRY Yay!

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

SOME SCENES WE MISSED: GANDALF, ARAGORN, XENARWEN, and LEGOLAS are about to enter the Golden Halls, but the DOORMAN stops them. DOORMAN: "Do you have any weapons?" GANDALF spreads wide his outer cloak, revealing an absurd number of swords, maces, and other things. DOORMAN: "Hey, I saw the Matrix - I am not going to mess with you. Go and see the King, but he'll probably have a fit later." THEY ENTER THE HALL. THEODEN is sitting in a throne at the far end of the room. Nearby, there are two men. One of them has "Wormtongue" tattoed on his forehead, while the other has mid-length blonde hair. THEODEN is eating a bucket full of fried chicken. OTHER MAN: "Theoden King, you know that stuff is not good for you - it will probably knock years off your life!" WORMTONGUE" "Hisssss. Yes......, my precio - uh, King.... eat the nice chicken. Eat it all up, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" GANDALF: "BEHOLD! I have arrived!" NOBODY CARES. THEODEN looks up after awhile saying: "Hey, old man, what are you doing here again!? I gave you Shadowfax - the fastest Mustang I have, and what do you do? You dent a fender, get a parking ticket, and don't even put any fuel in it before giving it back. When I heard that you had been captured by the evil Saruman, I was happy!" GANDALF blinks a few times, then says: "Uh, how did you know Saruman was evil?" THEODEN LAUGHS and says: "I have my sources" He waves around a copy of the script. GANDALF: "I see..." THEODEN then eats a DARK AND EVIL LOOKING PIECE OF CHICKEN!! Suddenly, HE AGES UNTIL HE LOOKS 150 YEARS OLD! THEODEN: "Oh, my! What has happened to me! I have aged until I am 150 years old! Wormtongue, get the King's walker!" GANDALF: "Doesn't this seem a might bit strange, oh King?" THEODEN: "Hmmm? No, not strange at all..." GANDALF: "Then you must not have read the script too well! For it is Grima Wormtonque that has poisoned you with the poison of Saruman's lies!" LEGOLAS: "Saruman's poison looks like a dark piece of chicken?" GANDALF, to WORMTONGUE: "Enough of this! I am going to give you a serious *ss-whipping!" WORMTONGUE hisses, and his tongue shoots out to strike ARAGORN. The Ranger falls, covered with slime. Then, there is a flash of lightning, and GANDALF starts lobbing energy bolts from his hands. The room is then full of explosions, and most of the background is set afire. Oddly WORMTONGUE was not hit by any of this, but he falls over out of fright. GANDALF: "HA! I have not come through flames and death to trade cuss words with a loser like you!" GANDALF starts to dance a victory dance when ARAGORN says: "Well, guys, I guess we can do something about the King now-" OTHER MAN: "GUYS!!! Hey, some of us here are cross-dressers, you know!" OTHER MAN starts stripping for the cameras until it is apparent that he is a she, and is wearing the mandatory Bad Fantasy outfit. He/She says: "Eowyn, cross-dressing warrior princess, at your service." ARAGORN is busy staring at her revealed chest. He eventually mumbles: "I have no idea how I could have thought you were a man..." THEODEN: "Huh? How can she be Elven? There are no Elves in my family, unless you count crazy Uncle Joe who was really short and moved to the north pole to help Santa Clause. Oh.... Maybe he's somehow responsible." LEGOLAS: "And how is she a warrior? If I recall the script, she's never even wielded a sword. Wasn't there something about waiting around while the guys rode off to battle?" GANDALF: "And how is she a princess? That just doesn't make sense - the throne isn't hers?" EOWYN: "Ok, look - if you want to waste my time with facts, that's fine. I just won't help you beat the King of the Witches, and you, ARAGORN, won't get to stare at my chest!" ARAGORN: "As future King of this land-" GANDALF" "No, no, no... You are King of Gondor, not Rohan!" ARAGORN: "Whatever. As future King of something, I declare that we really need Eowyn's cleavage, uh... cleaving sword... to kill the King of the Witches!" GANDALF: "Well, thanks for revealing Sauron's whole plot! Why don't you just wave the script in front of the camera?!" THEODEN: "Ummmm... What about me? I am starting to think that foul play might be involved in this whole instant aging thing. I mean, I've eaten bad chicken before, but nothing like this!" GANDALF goes over to a window and blasts it open with a needless spell. THEODEN: "It's no so dark out here." LEGOLAS: "Huh? He hasn't even moved that fat butt of his - what's he talking about?" GANDALF proceeds to blast open all the windows, and suddenly, THEODEN RETURNS TO NORMAL... or whatever passes for that. THEODEN: "Wow! That was strange. Say, what happened to Wormtongue? Oh well... Just toss him out one of those windows." EOWYN does just that. THEODEN: "I guess it is time for battle!"

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE BORDER OF ROHAN ÉOWYN is cantering off to battle with her trusty sidekick MERRY. ÉOWYN: You know what, Merry. I'm starting to think that going into a battle in a flimsy white nightgown is not that good idea after all. MERRY: No! I like you just the way you are. You don't need to change yourself to fit into a preconceived idea of a warrior. ÉOWYN: That's good then. I'm really an Elf lord inside, and partly also an Elf lady. Now we'll have to find something suitable for me. MERRY: I think the nightgown is perfectly suitable. It sort of lets your inner beauty shine through, not the mention the outer... (Éowyn stops the horse.) ÉOWYN: Now we'll wait for robbers to arrive for... ÉOWYN: (cont. with a raised voice) A LONE HIGHBORN LADY WHOSE HORSE MYSTERIOUSLY STOPPED FUNCTIONING IN THE MIDDLE OF A WILDERNESS. (ROBBER ONE comes running. ÉOWYN dispatches him swiftly in way that spills no blood on his clothes. Same for ROBBERS TWO trough TWENTY-THREE.) MERRY: I think we're out of robbers. ÉOWYN: Shame. I haven't seen anyone yet with a particularly good taste in clothes. (walks around regarding the corpses) ÉOWYN: (cont.) Not my size ... out of fashion ... too tattered ... did he ever wash that? ... way too big ... hate those that are welded into skin ... that was a walking tree ... too seventies ... too ladylike... MERRY: (pointing) Isn't that a good one? ÉOWYN: Well, it would be but it's not in autumnal colors. We Elves are very much into autumn. It symbolizes our fading. MERRY: But you are not... I mean you don't have to be the same kind of Elf everyone else is. ÉOWYN: That's a good point. I'm going to consider it if an Elf robber in autumnal colors doesn't soon appear. O SCRIPTWRITERS THAT LIVE OUTSIDE THE BOUNDS OF TIME, SEND ME AN EVIL ELF! (A figure canters into view. It's DRIZZT DO'URDEN.) DRIZZT: Gracious lady, you seem to have a dysfunctional horse. May I help you - ÉOWYN: (vehemently) No, you may not! Do you hear me? (DRIZZT leaves.) ÉOWYN: It seems I'll have to wear vernal after all. Now there's only the problem of my epithet. Every important Elf has one in the stories. (ROBBER TWENTY-FOUR tries to strike ÉOWYN from the behind with a morningstar. Éowyn deflects it with one quick barehanded stroke and kills the robber with the second.) ÉOWYN: That cleared it. The divine scriptwriters be my witness, I'll be Éowyn Morningstar, the opposite and nemesis of Arwen Evenstar. And I'm going to be the one left alive for the morning is strong and vital while the evening just sort of fades away! Merry, what do you think of that? MERRY: I was thinking that since you won't be needing that flimsy white nightgown anymore maybe you could give it to me and I could keep it with me always as a memory of you in that nightgown. ÉOWYN: That's very sweet of you, but this nightgown is going to become a turban! CUT SAME PLACE, A LITTLE LATER ÉOWYN is wearing vernal-colored clothes and a white turban. She is sitting with a sword in her lap and mumbling and wawing her hands. MERRY looks querulously on. MERRY: What are you doing? ÉOWYN: Gobbdlegook dog bôg góbë bel iä góglebogglë dogglë. SUBTITLE: O sword! Impart upon thyself the sting of the adder, the force of the Force, and the sharpness of mother-in-law's tongue! ÉOWYN: This is my Elven sword Gobbdlegókë. I have just enchanted it so that I can kill the Witch King. MERRY: You can enchant swords? And weren't you going to kill the King of Witches? ÉOWYN: Every Elf knows a bit of magic. And yes I'm going to kill the King of Witches. I'm just killing the Witch King first because he's the big fish and I wouldn't want anyone getting him before me. Particularly not THAT FADING SLUT! MERRY: But would YOU really need a magical blade to kill the Witch King when I have one? ÉOWYN: Oh, let's not get into that old debate again. We'll play it safe. Not like first try to kill him WITHOUT Gobbdlegókë and if it doesn't work, then try again WITH the sword. So, let's be off. (They ride away.) CUT THE GATE OF BARAD-DÛR The gate is all black stone and steel. The skull motif figures prominently. Noxious smoke comes from the pits on the either side of the draw-bridge. The evil Elf wizard DALAMAR is giving the GATEKEEPER gray scales. GATEKEEPER: No, for the last time, we don't have anyone here with the name Éowyn. DALAMAR: Are you absolutely perfectly sure? GATEKEEPER: Don't pinch me! Yes I am! Few people here actually even have names. Officially all the Orcs and slaves are just numbers! DALAMAR: And unofficially...? GATEKEEPER: How would I know? There are zillions of them! (DALAMAR throws the GATEKEEPER into a smoking pit and strides in.) CUT BARAD-DÛR, SAURON'S THRONE ROOM DALAMAR has cornered the highest official he could find: the KING OF WITCHES. KING OF WITCHES: Sir, you must have mistaken! The Éowyn you are talking about is far far away and I have heard from reliable sources that she was recently hacked into small pieces by an enraged Evenstar. DALAMAR: Is this true? (mumbles and gestures with his hand) KING OF WITCHES: Yes! Yes! DALAMAR: You speak as you see the truth. Then it must be that the evil emanations that go from this place drawn me from my course set upon me by the divine Scriptwriters who live outside the bounds of time. I will return to my home for my quest has failed. (DALAMAR vanishes in a puff of smoke. The MOUTH OF SAURON steps from behind a curtain with a skull motif.) MOUTH OF SAURON: That was well done KiWi. Well indeed. Since you are so talented you should go to fight Minas Tirith with your brother the Witch King AT ONCE. That's an order. (The KING OF WITCHES looks bewildered but sees no way to escape his superior's order. He bows and leaves. After he has left SAURON steps from the behind of another curtain with the you-know-it motif.) SAURON: That was well done, Mouth. Well indeed. We don't need here people who think they can handle things better than their superiors. After all I'm the LORD OF EVIL and I will EAT EVERYONE'S SOULS and that... that FRUIT has recently been getting too uppity for his own good. MOUTH OF SAURON: Yes master. Anything you say master. You could surely have handled that weird wizard alone. SAURON: Indeed I could have, for I am the most evil and the most powerful creature imaginable. But as a Dark Lord I must keep strict control over my public image, and if the wizard had managed to escape it would unfortunately have become common knowledge that I was wearing a pink evening gown when he met me... CUT

Posted by Gandalf's Mother at TolkienOnline.com

EXT: PELENNOR FIELDS PJ: ACTION!!! KING OF THE WITCHES: Come not between the Nazgul and his prey. Or he will not slay thee in thy turn. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured by... a beast.. with big, sharp nasty teeth (makes sharp nasty teeth representation with his hand.) EOWYN (sarcastically): Oh sure, and Balrogs have wings right? KING OF THE WITCHES: You dare mock me? I am the King of the Witches. Behold my mighty broom!!! EOWYN: I thought witches were women? KING OF THE WITCHES: This is the 21st century fool! I can wear a dress and sexy lingerie if I want to! ...Oops (covers his non-existent mouth in shame) EOWYN: Do what you will; but I will hinder it, if I may KING OF THE WITCHES: Hinder me? You moron. No living man may hinder me! EOWYN: But no living man am I! You look upon an Elvish transvestite! Eowyn I am, daughter of someone not mentioned in this adaptation! You stand between me and my lord and my kin; and not to mention, you're pretty annoying. Begone, or I shall say NEET! NOTHING HAPPENS EOWYN: I mean, ELBERETH!! THE KING OF THE WITCHES FLINCHES, YET IS UNHURT KING OF THE WITCHES: Fool, goobledegook words cannot hinder me SUDDENLY THE KING OF THE WITCHE's BROOM TURNS INTO AN EVIL ENGLISH SOLDIER, his trusted steed, but Mel Gibson appears out of nowhere and cuts his head off with a longsword. KING OF THE WITCHES (puzzled): That was weird EOWYN: You're telling me. the KING OF THE WITCHES regains his evil composure: Now die Miranda Otto.. I mean elvish whore!! [Peter Jackson shakes his head in disgust] The KING OF THE WITCHES attempts to strike a blow at Eowyn with a mace, but realizes he is a witch, and that witches don't have maces. To compensate, he mutters a spell which produces the midget WARWICK DAVIS! He throws Warwick Davis at Eowyn, toppling her over. KING OF THE WITCHES: HAHAHA, you underestimate the power of midget bowling!! WARWICK DAVIS (angry): I thought I was gonna be a hobbit, but NOOOO, PJ decides to use normal-sized people and shrink them with CG, and I end up playing the "midget spell guy." I'm outta here. [Warwick Davis flies away] KING OF THE WITCHES: There's some weird stuff going on here RANDOM SOLDIER EXTRA WHO's SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD: Well it is a fantasy film. KING OF THE WITCHES: SHUT UP!!! (he makes a twisting motion with his hand, thereby choking the soldier to death) You have failed me for the last time, Admiral Piet.. BEFORE HE CAN FINISH THE LINE, GEORGE LUCAS SUES PETER JACKSON for 500 billion dollars, which is half of the film's budget according to Vanity Fair. Filming of the scene resumes after George Lucas is killed by the destruction of the One Ring. EXT: PELENNOR FIELDS The KING OF THE WITCHES PREPARES TO THROW GARY COLEMAN AT EOWYN. AT THE SAME TIME, MERRY AWAKENS, AND WITH A CRY OF BITTER PAIN LUNGES FORWARD TO STAB THE KING OF THE WITCHES, ONLY TO FIND THAT HE HAS NO SWORD MERRY: Oh crap, I forgot they cut out the scene at the Barrow Downs where we find the swords of Westernesse. [Peter Jackson sighs heavily] LUCKILY, SAM GAMGEE WAS GETTING TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER FRODO, AND DECIDED TO SEE WHAT HIS FRIENDS ON THE PELENNOR FIELDS WERE UP TO SAM: Hey You, Witch-man, or whatever; PUT YOUR UGLY NON-EXISTENT FACE OUT OF SIGHT OR IT WILL GET HURT! KING OF THE WITCHES: Oh God, not that loser from Goonies again. THEN, WITH A SUDDEN FLICK, QUICK AS LIGHTNING, AN APPLE LEFT SAM's HAND AND HIT THE KING OF THE WITCHES SQUARE ON HIS NON-EXISTENT NOSE, TEMPORARILY STUNNING HIM MERRY: Hey, I thought you threw that apple at Bill Ferny SAM: No, that scene was cut too Merry. Nobody knew who was cast as Bill Ferny, so we skipped it. You were there, remember? MERRY: Oh yeah. It must be this blackness.. in my mind.... (Merry keels over and suddenly becomes 150 years old. He was apparently infected by the Witch-King's poison even though he never went near him) SAM (to Witch-King): Grima Wormtongue??? KING OF THE WITCHES: No, why? SAM: Never mind. SAM LEAVES TO FETCH SOME SHEPHERD'S PIE [PJ fails to notice that Sam wasn't supposed to know who Wormtongue was] EOWYN: I have you now Witch-Doctor!!! (SHE PULLS OUT A HERRING) EOWYN: A HERRING??? I cannot smite the Prince of the Witch-wankers with a herring! [Peter Jackson punches out the props supervisor] SUDDENLY, A PERSON DISGUISED AS MULAN APPEARS ON THE HILL TOP. THE PERSON THROWS BACK HIS HOOD, TO REVEAL HIS TRUE IDENTITY: ARWEN EVENSTAR ARWEN: HAVE NO FEAR, ARWEN VARRIOR-VAMPIRE/AEROSMITH PRINCESS ZIS HERE!!! (ARWEN motions with her hand, and the Spice Girls emerge from the mist) SPICE GIRLS (shouting in unison): "ELF-POWER!!!" THEY PROCEED TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE WITCH- WIZARD EOWYN (to Arwen); YOU B^\%&*!@, YOU STOLE MY SCENE!! ARWEN: Zou try to zteal my man, and I'll zteal your glory. ARWEN THEN PROCEEDS TO SLAUGHTER EOWYN, ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE ON THE FIELD (including the Spice Girls.) AFTER KILLING GANDALF SHE TAKES SHADOWFAX, PUTS HIM ON HER SHOULDERS, AND RUNS TO MORDOR. THERE SHE SLAUGHTERS FRODO (SAM WAS ON BREAK EATING SHEPHERD's PIE),TAKES THE RING AND CRUSHES IT WITH HER BARE HANDS. SHE THEN PROCEEDS TO PUT SAURON IN A HEADLOCK, TILL HE CRIES MERCY. SHE THEN BLUDGEONS HIM TO DEATH. THERE IS THEREAFTER MUCH REJOICING, AND MANY CRIES OF "ARWEN WINS, ARWEN WINS!!" SHE THEN DITCHES ARAGORN, SAYING QUOTE, "I ZDON'T NEED ZIS PUNY MAN, I'M MY OWN VOOMAN," TURNS INTO A BAT AND FLIES AWAY. THE POLICE THEN ARRIVE AND ARREST EVERYONE. Three Months Later PJ and his film crew are released from jail PETER JACKSON: Um, we're gonna have to do some reshooting. Liv wasn't supposed to slaughter everyone, and end the entire movie in one scene. Oh, and where the hell did Gary Coleman come from? GARY COLEMAN: Whatcha talkin bout PJ? PJ: Shut up! [Peter Jackson smacks him on the back of his head] Next page (Page 17)

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