Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

THE NUDE ORC-TOWER SCENE continued SAM takes the dazed and naked Frodo in his arms, rocking him gently. FRODO (faintly) I can scarcely believe it. There was an orc with a whip in stilettos and it turns into Sam, purring like a cat! And I STILL can't get that damn song out of my head! SAM (tenderly) Are you hurt, sir? Those beasts didn't lay a finger on you, did they? FRODO Thank Eru, no. They seemed to opt for mental torture instead. I was made to watch a Ralph Bakshi movie on an endless loop ... SAM shudders expressively. FRODO Oh, it was horrible! And Shagrat kept singing these Britney Spear songs, and I haven't been able to wash my hair in hours, and Orcses' personal hygiene is SO ... well, worse than Gollum's ... SAM Ewwww! FRODO Anyway, it's quite nice just lying here in your arms, Sam dear. SAM We should be looking for some shampoo ... THE OMNIPOTENT VOICE OF THE NARRATOR, or the DIRECTOR, or whoever the HECK he is, booms above the Hobbits' heads ... THE VOICE OF THE OMNIPOTENT ONE How long are you two going to lounge around there like a couple of ninnies, for heavensakes? You should be talking about escaping by now. I don't want all this soppy emotional stuff in the movie, thank you. People might get the wrong idea. SAM What's HIS problem? FRODO That's Hollywood for you, Sam. Its cowardly dark tentacles have spread all over Middle-earth. These modern types just can't handle genuine emotion between men. Sad, really. SAM Downright bloody pathetic. OMNIPOTENT ONE Move along, the pair of you. Or had you forgotten the Ring? FRODO and SAM Oh my God! The Ring!! FRODO Or, even, the Thing ... Sam, they've taken it to Barad-dur. All is lost ... the Quest has failed ... SAM (triumphant) Nyah, nyah, nyah! (produces Thing smugly from jacket pocket, waves it tantalisingly in front of Frodo) FRODO Give it to me at once! You can't have it! (snatches Ring/Thing from Sam). SAM's lip trembles. SAM (sniffing) Aww, don't shout at me, you know it makes me cry ... FRODO Oh, get over it. The Ring is taking over my mind! Hang about ... (looks more closely at Ring). FRODO (deflated) Oh. It is just a Thing, after all. Now why the heck would Sauron want a THING? What's the blinkin' point of going through all this pain and angst over a THING? OMNIPOTENT ONE Stop whinging and get on with it, Baggins! SAM It is quite a powerful Thing, sir. It's the Thing which will control the world. FRODO Oh all right then. Whatever. It's always been an ambition of mine to beat Beren and Luthien in the noble suffering stakes anyway. Silmaril, Ring, Thing, it's all the same to me, as long as I end up as the hero. OK, Samwise, onwards and upwards. How about finding me some decent clothes? SAM (affectionately) Why don't you come and give me a hand, you lazy little bourgeois gentlehobbit you? Sam do this, Sam do that ... sheesh ... FRODO (hurt) Look, I've just been mentally tortured! You try watching Bakshi, it really messes with your head! SAM Oh, I am so KIDDING. Chill ... The HOBBITS then get clothes off the dead orcs. FRODO spends ages faffing around: the orc-cloaks are too long, too short, too dirty, too disgusting, the orc-swords don't fit him properly, and he specifically wants a leather shirt with the Eye of Sauron on it (since he feels this will add some extra piquancy). SAM eventually loses patience and tells him to be grateful for whatever he's given. And so FRODO and SAM finally escape from the Tower, impersonating orcs. SAM (teasingly) Perfect little orc you make, if I may make so bold, SIR. FRODO Thanks a bunch, Mr I'm-Not-REALLY-into-Bondage. SAM It's those stilettos! Suddenly the Hobbits freeze. There is a DARK FIGURE glaring at them, near the GATE. SAM Oh man, it's those Watchers again. We've got to use the star-glass to deflect the force-field of their malice. FRODO Don't get all technical on me, Sammy. Anyway ... that's not a Watcher ... it's ... it's ... FRODO and SAM XENARWEN! FRODO And Lord, does she look annoyed! XENARWEN (morosely) I waz promised that nude zene. FRODO Tough, babe. The punters think that you're annoying but I'm cute. The nude scene stays as it is. If Mr Uptight Director can cope with it, that is. XENARWEN (sadly) Zere iz no justice. (Turning belligerent) And stilettos look very, VERY zilly on hobbitz. Pah!

Posted by Xatia at TolkienOnline.com

Cut back to PIPPIN, GANDALF, the Resurrected Slightly Runny Congealed Sausages Formerly Known As The Pot Roast and FATTY LUMPKIN disguised as SHADOWFAX arriving at Gondor. First they come to the Rammas Echor. Three very short men of Gondor appear, all fair-haired. They do not appear to see the travellers. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #1: I don't see why I let my parents put me in for the audition for this stupid film, I mean, she said it had trolls and goblins in it, and all we get to do is oversee some stupid building project. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #2: Personally I thought we were going to be Riders or something. I think we should have been at least given the roles we auditioned for. I want a horse. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #3: Yeah, and they wouldn't let my brother in because he has dark hair. Half the people on this stupid set have dark hair. That stupid director has dark hair. It's colour discrimination, we should protest. GANDALF approaches the very short men of Gondor with the resigned air of someone who is not suprised by anything any more. GANDALF: Umm.. hello? The VERY SHORT MEN OF GONDOR ignore him, sit down holding hands and start to sing "We shall overcome" The RSRCSFKATPR shrugs and also sits down to play a game of poker with FATTY LUMPKIN and the BURNT RANGER, who is keeping as much as possible in the background when he cannot avoid the cameras. PIPPIN wanders off to catch up on his beauty sleep. GANDALF: Anyone there? GANDALF: Umm.. please? GANDALF is pointedly ignored by the VERY SHORT MEN OF GONDOR, who are still singing. He begins to feel a bit of an idiot. GANDALF: WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! The VERY SHORT MEN OF GONDOR stop singing. One of them starts to cry. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #2: Look what you've done, you've upset her now. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #3: You big bully. VOICE OF THE DIRECTOR: Get on with it! GANDALF: Uhh.. Mr. PJ, sir, this is some kind of joke, right? VOICE OF THE DIRECTOR: Wrong. We ran out of extras. Do I have to use a clean lift? Or another CGI character? JAR JAR appears, but when he sees the expressions on the travellers faces he swiftly walks off, whistling to himself. PIPPIN(grumpily): Look, are you going to let us past or not? I've lost my copy of LotR, there's a page missing from the script, I've not had any decent pipe-weed for three days and I'd like to get some sleep. I keep hearing Duel of the Fates playing in my head for no apparent reason. I NEED FOOD! What happens now? GANDALF: I don't know, ask them! All look at VERY SHORT MEN OF GONDOR, except RSRCSFKATPR, who has lost all his money to the BURNT RANGER and is busily hitting him over the head with the hat + daisy from FATTY LUMPKIN'S disguise. BURNT RANGER: I know, I know, a fatal accident happens to poor ol' me. I can take a hint, you know. The RSRCSFKATPR shrugs and half de-capitates the BURNT RANGER with the daisy stalk. --- SPLOOP --- GANDALF, Pippin, Fatty Lumpkin in a half destroyed Shadofax costume and RSRCSFKATPR arrive at the Gate of Minas Tirith. A few words float out of the mist that obscures the path behind them. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #1: Oh, so we've been cut now. Typical. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #2: We didn't even see a horse. I mean, not without a daisy hat. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #3: Hey, look over there! There's a strange, glowing old man... GHOST OF TOLKIEN: Come to me, my little ones, I can use you to sue these corrupters of my world out of business... you alone can prevent this abomination...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

And the GHOST OF TOLKIEN drew closer, saying, "Yes, my poor minions of the Dark Lord, the one who calls himself PJ, hear me! But we should name him not, for I see a grim future for this broken world of lies, a very AARRRGGHHH!!!!" The GHOST OF TOLKIEN is struck by a blinding spotlight and is revealed to be none other than Jeeper Packson - Peter Jackson's long lost - and somewhat insane - good brother! JP: "Brother, you have mangled this great story - I cannot allow this evil to continue!" PJ: "And what does your opinion matter? The script has been written, the die has been cast. It is all over for you. You never did understand the Shadow. It calls to me, brother. It has told me that I shall become great - greater than even the one who created this world!" JP (Sadly): "Alas, it shall not be so! For we will both die here!" JP ignites a blue glowing lightstaff. PJ ignites a red glowing lighstaff. The two then leap towards each other and start dueling with the frenzy of hatred that can only exist between family members. And The Duel of the Fates starts playing again! GANDALF: "Dang it! So that's where my lightstaff went! Well, I'll need it again for my epic battle with Sauron at the end of this movie." RANDOM DIRECTOR WHO IS FILLING IN FOR PJ: "Uh... I thought Xenarwen had that part." GANDALF sighs and says: "Of course - silly me to think otherwise!" GANDALF and the rest of the crowd leave PJ and JP to continue their battle. All through the rest of the scene, there are blue and red glows and flashes across the scenary, and now and again you here a scream or a curse. GANDALF approaches the Gates of Minias Tirith. He knocks. There is no answer. He knocks again. There is still no answer. Another random scream comes from off screen. He reaches to knock a third time, but a small door opens up on the Gate, and a little man - Very Short Man of Gondor #4 - looks out and says: "Hey, can't you ring the bell!" GANDALF: "Look, there is NO bell?!" V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #4: "Oh, silly me... What were my lines? Well, who are you?" GANDALF says his name. V.S. MAN OF GONDOR #4: "Gandalf? Sauron's Gandalf? Well, that's a Ring of a different color!" GANDALF and the rest are led inside Minias Tirith. The Gates close behind them with a hollow clang that reflect the fact that they are made of cheap tin, not ageless steel. GANDALF: "This places looks... different... than last I recall." Indeed, MINIAS TIRITH was in the process of remodeling to better suite the standards of Bad Fantasy. All the women wore skimy outfits. The peasants, who looked amazingly ugly, wandered around without speaking since the studio could not afford to give them lines. Anachronisms, such as clocks, cars, and lasar-guns, were everywhere. In the center of the City Square, there was a picture PJ. About it, six priests chanted verses to their god. GANDALF: "Well, that makes no sense at all! Away with this madness!" PIPPIN: "Um, Gandalf, you can't change a whole city - you couldn't do that even in the books!" GANDALF: "Yes, but I am not GANDALF - I am Ian Mckellan. As I said before: AWAY WITH THIS MADNESS!!!" And MINIAS TIRITH changed! All of the Bad Fantasy was washed away. Unfortunately, because of the scripts, there was nothing to replace it. And so, Minias Tirith became a near ghost-town of almost empty buildings. PIPPIN (who was reading his copy of the Two Towers): "Well, that's close enough. Let's go!" And so they went to meet with the Steward...

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

SOMEWHERE IN ROHAN, EXTERIOR, NIGHT MERRY has half-finished digging a grave. There is a sack beside him. MERRY I can't believe Théoden left me here. I understand Éowyn has to have a proper burial, but I don't believe an anachronistic human rights movement would liken hobbits to children and threaten Rohan with a graffiti campaign like he claimed. (FRANKENSTEIN approaches MERRY from behind.) FRANKENSTEIN My good man, you zeem to be ein very good gravedigger. MERRY Who are you? What do you want? FRANKENSTEIN My name iz Victor Frankenstein und I am in de need of ein employee. Could you be dat one? MERRY Oh, gladly. I was just thinking of quitting. SOMEWHERE ELSE, EXTERIOR, NIGHT A black wagon drawn by two black horses moves through a countryside. Thunder. Lightning. Foreboding music. A large, ketchup-dripping text appears: BRIDE OF THE WORM-MONSTER The screen turns monochrome. FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE, EXTERIOR, NIGHT (MERRY and FRANKENSTEIN approach the gates.) MERRY So you are Arwen's distant cousin? How interesting. FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE, INTERIOR, NIGHT (FRANKENSTEIN shows MERRY around in the dark, decaying halls.) FRANKENSTEIN Und dat room iz ein ballroom und dat ein small kitchenette und dat iz mein collection of butterflies und dat iz der pendulum dat swings over der pit und dat big Hammer iz der sign of der dwarf-guild which built dis place... (They enter the laboratory.) FRANKENSTEIN (cont.) Und dat iz mein laboratory. Here I have unequalled the Orc-pods of Saruman. Here I have created LIFE! (Thunder and lightning.) MERRY You mean done "it" with your mistress? FRANKENSTEIN No, I mean LIFE! (Thunder and lightning.) MERRY Ok. Now I understand. You mean your lifework. FRANKENSTEIN Nein, nein, nein. Real LIFE! Alive LIFE! (Thunder and lightning strikes TWICE. Frankenstein turns the switch that lights a torch near the far end of the laboratory where a dark figure stands. Camera zooms and pans to Merry's horrified face.) MERRY It can't be... FRANKENSTEIN Yes it can! Meet my monster, the one called the Worm! (The figure is the horribly disfigured reanimated corpse of GRÍMA WORMTONGUE.) GRÍMA I ... want a bride. ... You said ... you'd ... make me one. FRANKENSTEIN (quietly to MERRY) You know I have to. He killed my previous assistent, Igor... You said you have a dead lady in dis Zack? (MERRY nods gravely.) GRÍMA I want ... a bride. Yes... a bride.... FRANKENSTEINS LABORATORY, INTERIOR, NIGHT FRANKENSTEIN and MERRY have finished assembling ÉOWYN who lies on a platform covered from head to toe with a white sheet. FRANKENSTEIN Practice makes perfect. I dink dat went very well. MERRY You think my dinner in her stomach doesn't matter? FRANKENSTEIN Nein at all. She must be hungry when she wakes. (FRANKENSTEIN turns the crank that raises the platform up to the roof.) FRANKENSTEIN And now we wait für ein thunderstorm. (Nothing happens.) MERRY Are you all looking at me? Oh, well... LIFE! (Thunder and lightning. The figure under the sheet stirs. FRANKENSTEIN quickly lowers the platform.) ÉOWYN (rises) What ... is ... happening? (She wears a flimsy white nightgown. She looks beautiful and pale with only a few minor stitches. Her eyes stare vacantly into nothingness.) MERRY It's alive! It's alive! It's alive! FRANKENSTEIN You'll get used to dat after ein while, mein young friend. ÉOWYN What ... is ... this ... thing? FRANKENSTEIN (to ÉOWYN) Bride of the Worm-Monster, meet your husband-to-be! (GRÍMA steps forward. A RECOGNITION flashes in ÉOWYN'S eyes.) GRÍMA A bride ... for me ... want ... pretty ... for ME... ÉOWYN No ... way ... in Outer Darkness ... thou betrayer of thy kith and kin and overall nasty person! (ÉOWYN hits GRÍMA with a random blunt object. Frankenstein's early attempts at stitching give way and Gríma's head separates from his body. Éowyn proceeds by smashing the rest of him to little bits.) FRANKENSTEIN Oh my god, what new menace have I brought to this suffering world? ÉOWYN That's no way to call a lady! (ÉOWYN chases FRANKENSTEIN up and down through the corridors of the castle. Finally Éowyn has Frankenstein cornered on the roof.) FRANKENSTEIN Lady, have mercy on me. Young biologist sets bought to me by a distant cousin perverted my mind as a small boy and guided me to the paths of the questionable science. ÉOWYN Well... FRANKENSTEIN Lady, please be merciful. This whole book is a parable on mercy. My recent experienced have taught me to value humility and taught me to respect natural creation, natural LIFE! (Lightning strikes FRANKENSTEIN and he falls from the roof. ÉOWYN looks down and sees him impaled on a big, unnecessary looking spike on a big unnecessary looking wheel. Éowyn turns back and sees MERRY.) MERRY Lady Éowyn, are you all right? ÉOWYN Oh, it's you Merry. It's good to see a friendly face. It's like resurfacing from a nightmare. MERRY I'm so happy to hear you talk normally. Not like the Worm... ÉOWYN I can think even with a stitched brain better than the Worm with a normal one. He was never really that clever you know. Teamed with Saruman and all. His brain didn't need much battering to become noticeably damaged. MERRY I hope it's all as you say... ÉOWYN Now let's not be morose. I'm going to ride to the war in Gondor and I'll let you go along if you want to. MERRY (brighter) Yes I do! ÉOWYN Then let's go. And you folks who turned the colors off turn them right back on, or else... (The colors are turned back on. ÉOWYN and MERRY take a horse and ride away. For a time the old castle stands alone in the sickly-pale moonlight. Then a dark figure arrives and regards the corpse on the wheel.) ARWEN Éowyn, in addition to trying to steal my husband-to-be, you killed my dear distant cousin. This will not be forgiven. I will drink your soul and rid this world of your puny LIFE. (Thunder and lightning. Arwen raises her head to the sky and opens her pretty little mouth.) ARWEN Graaaaaah!

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

MEANWHILE, AT THE DARK TOWER: SAURON is busying sharpening one of the zillions of swords he keeps in his chamber. Please don't ask why - he's a bad guy - what other reason is there? He then picks up a huge sword and lobs it across the room. It slams into the wall a few inches above the head of an Orc who is standing in the center of a bulls-eye pattern on the wall. Many other absurdly long swords are lodged in the wall around him, and a long, well-sharpened sandwich is lying on the floor. The ORC then calls out: "You know, this is really kind of stupid!" SAURON picks up another sword and starts sharpening it. ORC: "Also, if you kept those things sharp all the time, you wouldn't have to waste time getting them ready before throwing them." SAURON stops and looks thoughtful before saying: "Yes, but this is far EVILER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" LIGHTNING AND THUNDER CRASH! ORC: "Okay... Are we done yet?" SAURON: "No. I still have plenty of knives to through at you!" ORC: "Yes, that's nice, but I came in here three hours ago to bring you urgent news, but all I have been doing is standing against a wall while you lob big swords at me. Maybe you'd like to hear my message?" SAURON: "Gee, I hadn't thought of that... But doing this is much EVILIER!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" THUNDER AND LIGHTNING CRASH!!! ORC: "Blast it! Evilier is not even a word! What I needed to tell you is that the Spiked Wheel Knights are ready for action. When we attack Minias Tirith, they will roll these huge wheels around the battlefield, and people will get crushed by them or fall on them." SAURON: "That's a stupid plan!" ORC: "Okay... But we were following your orders..." SAURON: "Why did I give those orders again? Would such a plan really work?" ORC: "Well, look at how many other important people have been killed by Spiked Wheel Thingies so far, and I think you'd agree that it's a good idea." SAURON: "Oh... If you say so... Okay, tell the troops that they can proceed." The ORC turns to leave, but SAURON says: "WAIT!!! Get back against the bullseye on the wall!" ORC: "But shouldn't I speak to the troops?" SAURON: "Yes, but this is much EVILIER!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" THUNDER AND LIGHTNING CRASH!! The Orc sighs and stands against the wall as Sauron goes back to sharpening his swords... Next page (Page 16)

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