Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

And SAM places the Ring on his finger. We here PJ's voice calling out from afar, "Hot d*mn! Now I show these wimps what this Ring can do! They said I couldn't use it - it wouldn't be right, it wasn't in the story, yada yada - but I'll show them! Yes, I will, my Precious. The Ring will be in the story, and all will worship me and despair. HAHAHAHAHAHA-" BIG ORC: "SHUT UP!!!!" SAM: "I will enjoy watching you die, Mr Anderson." BIG ORC: "Huh?" A RAY OF ENERGY SHOOTS OUT OF THE RING. The BIG ORC is blasted into pieces. As the flaming ORC BITS rain down through the tunnel, we suddenly see that Sam is clad in dark, flowing robes, and a hood is cast over his head. He bears a wierd similarity to Luke Skywalker in the early parts of the Return of the Jedi. SAM walks onwards in the tunnels while the Duel of the Fates plays in the background...

Posted by Myrdock at TolkienOnline.com

SAM creeps along the hallway. Flickering torches flicker overhead, casting eerie flickering light along the passage. Abrubtly SAM comes to the end of the hall. Two orcs dressed as policemen hold up their hands for him to stop. SAM: Hullo! What's this? ORC 1: I'm sorry for the inconveince, but there's been reports of an ELVEN warrior or some such thing about. They say he's been poisoning the orc-draught. ORC 2: Yes, I'm afraid we are going to have to scan your baggages. SUDDENLY, an Electronic Scanning Thingy like they have at airports appears. ORC 1: Please put your bags through here please and step through this opening. SAM complies, although he is MASSIVELY confused. The EST rings. ORC 2: Uh, could you please remove all electronic objects please? Again, I am really sorry for the inconveince. On behalf of the Tower of Cirith Ungol Tours, Inc., I ask for your forgiveness. Suddenly, SAM is dressed in a trenchcoat. He pulls out duel pistols and starts blasting away at the two policeorcs. They swear. Out of nowhere, several hundred orcs armed with automatic weapons appear, yet no matter how hard they try, the cannot hit SAM, even if he is standing still. SAM: COME GET ME, YOU MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He starts running on walls, doing flips, and blasting away orc soldiers. Sometimes in slow motion too. All the while, Duel of the Fates is playing in the background...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

SAM continues to blaze away with his guns, and Orcs are dropping in slow motion. The scene cuts to the bullet casings pouring out of his gun - and then it switches to the rain of bullet casings from the helicoptor in the The Matrix. A VOICE calls out in the background: "Damn it - get back to MY movie!!" The scene shifts back, but now SAM is wielding two LIGHTSABERS in a Matrix-like way, slashing down Orcs left and right while they fail to even get a single hit on him. SAM continues to run along the walls as spears, bullets, fireballs, and other things crash and explode behind him. He leaps into the air and cleaves a dozen Orcs with his Lightsabers in a blur of motion. And The Duel of the Fates continues to play...

Posted by Nerdanel at TolkienOnline.com

CIRITH UNGOL, INTERIOR SAM has reached the top of the stairs. There is a block of stone on which reads PUSH THIS FOR A TERCES ROOD in big block letters. SAM I logically arrive to the conclusion that this is a logical puzzle. ROOD is obscure dialect for ROOT, so maybe there's here hidden something that could help me relax in my search for master Frodo... Suddenly a wall collapses and a DRAGON crashes in. SAM turns around. SAM What? DRAGON You have killed Shelob and her mother. This is an obvious allusion to Beowulf who killed Grendel and his mother. It is only fitting that you should have to fight a dragon next like Beowulf did. SAM No way. This is plagiarism. DRAGON No, this is honoring the classics. This movie has been sorely in need of a more intellectual level. We are going to avoid the plagiarism issue by having me to win the battle and live. SAM By the way, if you so smart, could you please tell me what PUSH THIS FOR A TERCES ROOD means? The DRAGON attacks. A big battle scene happens. SAM finds somewhere a machine gun but discards it because it has no effect on the DRAGON. DRAGON's fire melts several walls but SAM always jumps aside. Finally SAM is cornered on a balcony. A hand grabs hold of the balcony and someone starts to crawl on it. BURNED RANGER I have crawled all around the plains and the hills and the vertical surfaces. Could somebody help me please? I have been burned and hit and hacked and whacked and sliced and diced and ignored and there's an arrow in my eye... SAM pulls the arrow from the BURNED RANGER's eye. BURNED RANGER Thank you! Finally someone does me something good -- SAM accidentally brushes the RANGER off the balcony when he turns to the DRAGON, who was in his mind all along. SAM Old Master Bilbo always told us children to read his book so we might learn something from his fabulous adventures. I learned this. SAM throws the arrow who flies to the DRAGON's vulnerable spot as if by MAGIC. DRAGON (dying) No! This is plagiarism! You copy both The Hobbit and the Beowulf! Why can't we dragons win just for once? SAM turns around and sees a molten hole where the inscripted stone was before. He looks beyond it. SAM Ooh, Master Frodo! There you are!

Posted by Myrdock at TolkienOnline.com

...and suddenly SAM is back in his trenchcoat/Luke Skywalker cape, bullet casings all around and two smoking barrels just visible underneath the folds of his cape. Somewhere on the first floor of the tower, a distant boom is heard, as of an explosion, and the building rumbles. SAM: Master Frodo! FRODO looks up, veins bulging from his small hobbit-head. His eyes look CLOUDED over and DRUGGED. Suddenly three agents appear next to FRODO in black suits and ties with dark, mysterious GLASSES. AGENT 1: We've been waiting...Mr. Anderson...

Posted by Milo Burrows at TolkienOnline.com

Mr. Director: Back to MY story. Send the trenchcoat, the light sabers and the dragons back to props. SAM: You're no fun anymore. ______________________ Announcer: At last, weary and feelling finally defeated, Sam sat on a step below the level of of the passage-floor and bowed his head into his hands. He takes off his sunglasses, and takes out a ridiculously long sandwich. He then tossed it aside. And then he began to sing a simple tune. Sam: I feel like singing a simple tune, murmuring old childish songs from the Shire and some of old Mr. Bilbo's rhymes. It's been one week since you've looked at me Five days since you laughed at me And said something something Something, something Three days since the living room I realized that it something something but couldn't tell you Yesterday you forgiven me But it will still be two days before I say I'm sorry. Before I say I am sorry. About now I should be hearing a faint voice in the distance. Frodo: I realize that it was all my fault but couldn't tell you Yesterday you forgiven me But it will still be two days before I say I'm sorry. Snaga: Yesterday, you...Ho la! You up there, you dunghill rat! You know that once I get a song in my head, I can never get it out. Sam peers around a corner. He sees an orc, looking hell bent, dressed in black leather, a whip and stiletto heels, carrying a ladder, and going up to a trap door. Sam gets angry and leaps like a cat. He takes out the sword Sting, and climbs up the ladder behind the orc like a cat. When he climbs up, he sees the Orc, dressed in the black leather, and whip in hand towering over a pile. He leaps up and pounces on the orc like a cat. He claws at the orc and hisses at the orc like a cat. The orc starts sneezing uncontrollably and falls down the trap door. Sam looks at the rags. It is Frodo. He is naked, lying as if in a swoon. Sam smiles and starts purring like a cat. Xenarwen (dressed in black leather, looking hell-bent, with a whip and stiletto heels): Waitasec Director. I waz promized the nude scene in thiz movie. It'z been...Damn. I can't get that song out of my head. Director: Sorry, your part has been cut. Too many people have been complaining, and I have decided to listen to them. Beside, Sam successfully persuaded me that Frodo should get the nude scene in this movie. Xenarwen storms out the castle, sneezing uncontrollably, muttering. She then walks up to Asfaloth and inexplicably slaps the horse's nose with the broad part of her sword. Xenarwen: Cut my part, my azz. Next page (Page 15)

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