Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

ALTERNATE PASSING OF MINIAS MORGUL: FRODO: "I am so very... weary..." SAM: "What are you complaining about - we just rested for eight hours exactly , memorized our spells, and weren't attacked during the night. Yeesh - some people are never happy!" GOLLUM whips out a copy of the Dungeons and Dragon's Third Edition Player's Guide and starts hissing out an ad: "Yes, my precious... But if you want to be real happy, you should really go out and buy this book. It's got magics, and weapons, and even stuff about food... Fish... Mmmmm... Fish..." HOMER SIMPSON: "Mmmmm... Donuts...." FRODO: *Yawns* "Look, that's nice Gollum, but aren't we supposed to be selling people Lord of the Rings junk instead?" GOLLUM does not hear him. He is flipping through the Player's Guide, laughing to himself. "Hehehe... Look... Here it sssaysss that you are Halflings, not Hobbits! Isn't that amusssing? Hehehehe..." FRODO: "That does it, you little freak! You know you're not even in that book! Find me a 'wierd reptile thing' character class or race - I bet you can't!" GOLLUM starts crying. SAM says: "That's enough from both of you! Anymore lip and no more experience points for either one of you!" DUNGEON MASTER FROM THE OLD D&D CARTOON SHOW: "Now, now... I am the one who decided who gets experience and who gets non-" GOLLUM grabs the DUNGEON MASTER and eats him in one bite. He burps and spits out his robes. SAM: "That was wierd..." The THREE march onwards, climbing higher and higher into the Morgul Vale. Soon, they are looking down on the evil City, but not until after they wait for a group of skiers to finish their trip down the slopes. MINIAS MORGUL is a large, freaky city. It is painted dead black, of course, and a huge, spinning skull is mounted on top of the tower. The Vale is filled with insane the insane laughter of the skull, as well as many street lights and burning riot fires. FRODO looks down upon the City and says: "What an evil place..." SAM: "Duh..." GOLLUM: "I hear that they have pretty Wraith Wenches there..." FRODO: "Oh no... the Ring is dragging me towards the City... I am doomed!" With that, he starts scrambling towards Minias Morgul. SAM: "Strange... The last time the Ring made him do something, he didn't seem so darn happy. I wonder what is going on?" GOLLUM: "SSSSS!!! Ssstupid Halfing! Let's get him before he really screws things up!" The two run after FRODO and tackle him right near the bridge. Sam gets a 5-yard penality and they then retreat to a safer distance. Then, the gates of Minias Morgul open! Two by two, the armies of Minas Morgul march out of the fallen city. Each soldier is bearing a large halbard and is wearing a cloak and a fur hat. Oddly, they all have blue skin and are chanting, "Oh we oh - the old one, oh we oh - the old one..." As they pass by, SAM says: "Hey, maybe we should knock out a few of those guards and use their uniforms to slip into the castle!" FRODO: "Yes! Yes, that would be a great idea! I really have to do something about those Wenches, er... Wraiths..." GOLLUM: "NO!!! Stupid Halfings! Why should we enter the castle?" SAM and FRODO look at each and shrug. TIN WOODSMAN: "Hey, I have a great idea - let's steal the uniforms of those guards and get into the castle!" DOROTHY, THE SCARECROW, and THE COWARDLY LION all agree and run down the path. Sam: "This is really getting wierd!" At the head of the army, the WITCH KING appears! He is clad in black robes and is riding a foul broomstick! A great crown sits atop his head, and he laughs evilly as the army passes by. Soon, the whole Vale is filled with the chanting. "Oh we oh - the old one..." Then, the WITCH KING comes to a sudden halt. The chanting is replaced by cursing as the guards run into each other and weapons clang to the ground. WITCH KING: "Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum - I smell the blood of a Hobbit!" GOLLUM calls out, waving the book: "A Halfing! Not a Hobbit - a Halfling!" SAM: "Now who's the stupid one?" GOLLUM: "Oops." The WITCH KING is about to destroy the heroes when he get a call on his cell phone. WITCH KING: "Yes... Yes... Right away, my master..." He puts away his phone and says to the heroes: "When I am done my work, I am coming back for you..." With that, the army continues its march and the three heroes slink away...

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

FRODO Ill news is abroad, Sam. There are forces at work which want to make our relationship more Politically Correct. SAM (clenching his fists) The ninnyhammers! The filth! The swine! Er ... what does 'politically correct' mean, sir? FRODO It means you have to stop calling me sir. SAM Why's that then, sir? FRODO Because a master/servant relationship is outmoded and archaic and has no place in a democratic, egalitarian world. I’m a bourgeois idle rich gentlehobbit who deserves execution and you’re a repressed peasant who needs liberating. SAM Oh. Okay, but can we still hold hands?

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

CUT TO HOBBITS and SMEAGOL crawling past Minas Morgul, Frodo still out of it. SMEAGOL raises a bony hand and points to a ROUGH-HEWN STAIRCASE carved into the side of the mountain. SMEAGOL There, oh yes there, preciousss... there is where we must go. It is a ssecret way, oh yes preciouss... SAM Really secret? SMEAGOL Yess, of course precious. SAM Then why does it have "to Mordor/Mount Doom, via exit 24" written on it? Doesn't sound very secret to me. SMEAGOL It wouldn't be if orcses could read, silly nassty hobbit! FRODO He's got a point there, Sam. FRODO, SAM and SMEAGOL begin ascending the stairs. FRODO These are a lot of stairs. SAM Sure are. FRODO, SAM and SMEAGOL continue ascending the stairs. FRODO I've never climbed so many stairs in my life! SAM Me neither! FRODO, SAM and SMEAGOL STILL continue ascending the stairs. FRODO Umm... Yes, stairs. SAM Yes. many. FRODO It's like stairs upon stairs. SAM Upon stairs. FRODO Yes. Stairs. UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE as they continue climbing the stairs. Minutes pass. FRODO Umm... Smeagol, this is a lot of stairs. SMEAGOL Yesss preciousss, stairs. SAM Stairs. FRODO Yup. Stairs. PAUSE FRODO Steps. Steppes. Stairsedy stairs. SAM Stair diddly airs. FRODO, SAM and SMEAGOL continue climbing stairs. FRODO So... I wonder how many stairs there are? SAM It's too bad this isn't a movie. Then we could, like, cut to the end of the stairs. FRODO Yup. FRODO, SAM and SMEAGOL climb EVEN MORE STAIRS. SAM It would be unethical, as well as just bad filmmaking, to show this many stairs being climbed. FRODO Yes. I can't imagine how dull any movie, or screenplay would be, for that matter, if all they had was stairs. SAM ...upon stairs. FRODO Yes, I was going to say "Upon stairs", Sam, you didn't have to say it. SMEAGOL starts shaking his head. SAM Gee, these sure are a lot of stairs. SMEAGOL STOP IT! STOP IT SILLY HOBBITSES!!! Smeagol KNOWS how many stairs there are, you lamebraned rabbitheads! Smeagol's climbed it MANY TIMES, but NEVER has it been as difficult as this with two STUPID HOBBITSES with INANE CONVERSATION sspeaking about nothing but STAIRSES! WE KNOWS THERE IS STAIRS! WE KNOWS IT! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! SMEAGOL stands still for several seconds, fuming and breathing heavily, teeth bared. He looks ready to tear someone's head off. The HOBBITS look at him quietly. SAM So.... you don't want to talk about stairs? SMEAGOL AAAAAUUUUGHHH!!! SMEAGOL takes off running. The two Hobbits stare at his dwindling body with puzzled looks in their eyes. FRODO Well, Sam, I guess we'd better rest here for a bit. THE TWO HOBBITS sit down, pull their shoes off, and take a breath. SAM You know, I've been thinking about how much our adventures here are like movies. Only I can't decide what kind of movie we would be in. FRODO I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking of how we never went out in search of adventure, it just sort of found us. We sort of stumbled into it, whether we like it or not. I just hope it has a happy ending. SAM No, I was just trying to decide whether or not I'll find a sword in a cave and chop through the forces of darkness like Conan. FRODO Yeah, but Arnold would have probably already been chosen for the role of Arwen. You'd have to settle for Stallone. SLIGHT GRUNTS can be heard over the edge of the stairs. SAM Just my luck, they'd choose someone geeky to play me, like the loser from Goonies or something. FRODO As long as I'm not played by anyone famous for making movies with killer whales named after a male phallacy, I'll be happy. A HAND appears over the edge of the staircase. VOICE(from down below) Please help me! I've been badly burnt and shot in the head, and I climbed all the way up this rocky cliff face and it's a really far jump, and... FRODO stands up, and accidentally stomps on the hand. The hand lets go. VOICE(disappearing into the abyss...) AAAAAAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuugghhhh........ SAM What was that? FRODO (pauses)... probably just the wind. I think I'll take a quick nap. Stay up and watch, will you? SAM Anything you say, sir...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

More random scenes that were in that other version of The Lord of the Rings that nobody here has read... SARUMAN II: SCENE: Night has fallen over Orthanc. The Ents are busy standing around in the wreckage. Two of them are using a third as a limbo stick, but for some reason, the Ents aren't very good at that game. Meanwhile, Treebeard and Burntwig are trying to light a gas barbeque grill. BURNTWIG (in a Homer Simpson like voice.): "Hmmmm... It seems that it needs more gas." He turns up the gas. BURNTWIG: "Hmmmm... Maybe it needs more lighter fluid." He pours two bottles of ligher fluid on the grill. BURNTWIG: "Hmmmm... Maybe it needs a match..." TREEBEARD: "Uh, why are we doing this? I mean, we are trees, after all..." BURNTWIG lights the match. There is an explosion, and the dim-witted Ent runs around while burning like a log in a fireplace. Meawhile, Smokey the Bear appears and starts running after him, saying, "I knew it! Only I can prevent forest fires!" Unfortunately, it is too late, for BURNTWIG has learned that stupidity can be a fatal disease. TREEBEARD: "I kinda figured his love of fire would get to him eventually. Oh, well... We'll just blame it on Saruman." MEANWHILE, on the Round Spiked Wheelie Thingie... SARUMAN keeps going round and round with a spear sticking out of his chest. Suddenly, his eyes open, filled with that hateful-back-from-the-dead-zombie-of-doom look. His arms start to move! He grabs the spear in his chest and breaks it off! He then climbs off the Wheelie, still wielding the spear in his hand and bearing a hole straight through him. He has the perfect Undead Horror Movie Zombie look about him. SARUMAN: "HAHAHAHAHA!!! I have returned!" He then slogs his way out of the water as the Spiked Wheelie keeps turning, revealing that the rest of the spikes are covered with roasted chicken. ----------------------------------- SOMEWHERE NEAR GONDOR: GANDALF and PIPPIN ride onwards. Well, actually the horse is stationary and the scenery is just sliding past them. PIPPIN (waking up and looking around at the moving scenery): "Huh? I must still be asleep..." GANDALF (who is holding onto his hat while facing a large fan): "What? No, you're awake now, my little Hobbit." PIPPIN: "Uh, aren't you supposed to have left your hat behind before heading to Gondor?" GANDALF turns around on the horse and points at PIPPIN, about to speak, but then his hat flies off. PIPPIN: "Oh. Problem solved." GANDALF turns back around, and continues to act like he is riding Shadowfax. It might be more convincing if the horse's legs were actually moving and the horse was not busy munching on an apple in the hands of one of the camera guys. GANDALF: "Hark! Do you hear something on the wind?" PIPPIN: "Uh... a large fan?" GANDALF glares at PIPPIN and then says: "No! Something - evilier!" There is a CRASH OF THUNDER when he says "evilier" PIPPIN: "Is evilier really a word?" Another CRASH OF THUNDER. PIPPIN: "Oh, cut it out already!" GANDALF: "Behold! The Black Riders!" Up ahead in the distance, around twelve Black Riders are standing around on dark, but not black horses. PIPPIN: "Uh, wasn't that the wrong picture on that spy report?" GANDALF: "Behold! The Black Riders!" The miscounted dark-colored horsemen are replaced with Nine Black Riders. PIPPIN: "Ummmm... That's better, but I thought we washed them away in the River!" GANDALF glares at Pippin as his beard is torn off by the fan. GANDALF: "Behold! Black Riders of the air!" A giant Vulture replaces the Nine Riders, but it is strange creature. A vast pillar is growing out of its head, and it is having trouble staying aloft. PILLAR-HEADED VULTURE THING: "Sqwauk!" The VULTURE THING then falls out of the sky, crashing into the woods. PIPPIN: "Okay... That was wierd!" Suddenly, XENARWEN comes rider up beside GANDALF. XENARWEN: "I heard that there vaz a Nazgul around here - I wanted another kill!" GANDALF: "Nobody here but us Pillar-Headed Vulture Things." XENARWEN says nothing, but the fan conviently blows off all her clothing other then a fur-lined bikini. PIPPIN: "Strange how that always seems to happen to her whenever there are cameras around..." XENARWEN: "Oh, silly me! There go my clothes again - I am always losing them!" GANDALF (To himself): "When will this torment end?" XENARWEN: "Well, my role in this scene is done. It's back to Aragorn for me!" She turns to leave, and the camera lingers on her backside as she rides off for a full ten minutes. Then, the camera shifts back to GANDALF and PIPPIN. Oddly, they are standing in the middle of a battlefield now, and GANDALF is wearing a clown suite, while PIPPIN is wielding a chainsaw. GANDALF: "Well, if you want to know what happened, you shouldn't have been staring at Xenarwen's backside! We're not going through that again, right Pippin!" PIPPIN belches up a handful of marbles and says: "RIGHT!" The two resume their ride to GONDOR. ----------------------------------------------------- MEANWHILE, back at the STAIRS OF CIRITH UNGOL: SAM, FRODO, and GOLLUM are suddenly only halfway up the stairs. FRODO (grumbling to anyone who will listen): "So, then we reached the top, and who has to wreck it for all of us - Sam, again!" SAM: "Hey! It's not MY fault we left the Ring at the bottom of the Stairs! Just because you thought it would be funny to act like you lost it, don't go blaming me for having to climb these silly things again!" GOLLUM: "AARRGHHH!!!! Shut-up, you silly Halflings!"

Posted by roarcsson at TolkienOnline.com

FADE IN on long shot of RUINS OF ISENGARD. ZOOM/PAN to medium shot of a ROUND SPIKE WHEELY DEALY, slowly turning. A small fire is burning in front of it. ZOOM/PAN to medium closeup of PIPPIN and MERRY. PIPPIN is playing a harp [NOTE TO COSTUME DEP'T: Can he use his toes to play with too, or would this be too hard on the prosthetic feet?] In front of MERRY is a large pile of MEATS, CHEESES, CONDIMENTS, and TWO RIDICULOUSLY LONG SUB ROLLS. MERRY draws a DUNEDAIN SWORD from its scabbard, slices the SUB ROLLS lengthwise, and skewers them on the RSWD to toast. CUT to closeup of DUNEDAIN SWORD. On blade is this inscription: COMPLIMENTS OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN VOTE ARAGORN IN MARCH! PAID FOR BY THE ARAGORN FOR KING COMMITTEE ARWEN UNDOMIEL, TREASURER While the SUB ROLLS toast, PIPPIN sings the following song (to the tune of "Londonderry Air") PIPPIN: Oh, Deli Boy, the cold roast beef is succulent And ham, and Swiss -- the taste can't be denied; 'Twould soothe the savage breast, however truculent, With Grey Poupon, and cole slaw on the side. So pile mine high! with lettuce and with bacon strips, And jalapenos make the palate glow, And while we eat, of beer we will be taking sips; Oh Deli Boy, oh Deli Boy! I love it so. Next page (Page 13)

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