Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by Hama at TolkienOnline.com

Frodo Gordon is flying in on his spikey wheely-dealy thing straight towards Isengard. Beside him is Sam sporting a nice set of cheap looking wings and a beard. In the Orthanc control room. Captain Mauhur: General Grima! Frodo Gordon approaching! General Grima (Surprised): What do you mean? Frodo Gordon approaching? Captain Mauhur: He is coming on a spikey wheely-dealy thing, General Grima! General Grima (Angry, hands on hips): Open Fire! All weapons! I take full responsibility! Isengard lights up like a Christmas tree. Wizardly flashes fly off in all directions. Some of them strike the spikey wheely-dealy thing and Frodo and Sam are rocked about. Frodo Gordon (worried): Tell me Sam, will this do it? Sam (with great glee): Sure thing! When this baby hits the wizard field, BOOM! Frodo Gordon twiddles with the Palantir in front of him. It fades and crackels for a moment and then plays wedding music. It is the start of the wedding of Saruming the Merciless and Dale Arwen. Frodo and Sam look at each other in horror. Saruming the Merciless stands on his balcony as Dale Arwen is dragged before him by orcs. Dale is heavily covered in massive chains. An orc wearing a dog collar stands between them, smiling benevolently. Saruming nods at the orc. Orc Priest (sing song): Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness the marriage of Saruming the Merciless, ruler of all Middle Earth, and Dale Arwen. Dale Arwen (In best Ahnuld voice): I vill never marry you! Orc Priest (unperturbed): Do you, Saruming the Merciless, take this large austrian elf, to be your Empress of the Hour... Saruming the Merciless: Of the hour, yes! Orc Priest: Will you not feed her to your wolves or your orcs... Saruming looks up, surprised. Orc Priest (looks worried): Until you grow weary of her! Saruming (smiling): Certainly. Orc Priest (sing song): With this one ring... The orc priest looks at his empty hand, realises he does not have the ring, searches frantically for it, until another orc hands it over. There is a noise from outside, they all look up and see Frodo Gordon coming straight for them in a spiky wheely-dealy thing. Orc Soldier 1: Is it a bird? Orc Soldier 2: Is it a plane? Orc Soldier 3: No, its Frodo Gordon on a spiky wheely-dealy thing. Orc Soldier 4: It just looks like a ridiculously long sandwich to me! Saruming the Merciless: Frodo Gordon's alive? They all scramble from the tower, with Dale Arwen shouting 'Go Frodo, Go!' Saruming the Merciless jumps down as the spiky wheely-dealy thing hits the wizard field. There is an immense explosion and the spiky wheely-dealy thing drops out of the sky straight on top of Saruming the Merciless, impaling him on one of its spikes.

Posted by holbytla at TolkienOnline.com

Scene: On the Set of PJ's LOTR Entire cast and crew sitting around eating ridiculously long sandwiches. Cameras not rolling. IAN HOLM: "Hey PJ! What in the bloody hell is going on? Why are we all just sitting around eating ridiculously long sandwiches?" PJ's face seen turning red. PJ: "Well our main script writer has quit. Something about SPLOOP and PLOOP. But don't worry, I am tracking down a replacement for him. A real pro this time. He's fresh from a project called...errr... W.R.I.N.K.L.E. . Yeah thats it WRINKLE. He's top notch, one of the best. Cut to TORC. All hell is breaking loose. People are leaving the MB in droves. Fights about who has the right God are breaking out all over. Children are telling adults how to behave. The censorship issue rears it's ugly head. AW is now a bible thumper. WHAT?????? Radagast, Diamond of Long Cleave, Holbytla, and other fans of W.I.N.K.L.E., are sitting around their PCs hitting the refresh button in the movie section, hoping that the W.I.N.K.L.E. thread will be updated. Weeks go by. Still no Freaqboy. Fans of Freaqboy can be heard wailing; " Freaqboy! Freaqboy, where are yoooooooo!!!!" Scene cuts to a car cruising across the "Great White North". Tons of luggage etc. is piled on the roof. Chocolate wrappers are strewn across the front seat. The dulcet tones of Geddy Lee, blast from the car's speakers. Driving the car is none other than our own Freaqboy. A ridiculously long sandwich is in one hand. Tiring of a long days drive, Freaqboy pulls into a rest area. He gets out to stretch. Nearby, four small children, dressed suspiciously like the kids from SouthPark, are playing. One of the kids, who looks like Cartman, comes over to Freaqboy. KID WHO LOOKS LIKE CARTMAN: "Ehh ahem, excuse me dude. Do you think I can have a bite of that ridiculously long sandwich, to go with my cheesy poofs?" Freaqboy eyes the kid curiously, then hits him over the head with the ridiculously long sandwich. WHAP! KID WHO LOOKS LIKE CARTMAN: "Maaaaaarm!!! This dude just hit me on the head with his ridiculously long sandwich!!!" Freaqboy notices the other kids are messing around his car. Suddenly, stuff starts to fall off the roof of the car. This huge Round Spiked Wheely Dealy, falls off, and rolls over one of the kids, who happens to look a lot like Kenny. SPLAT! The kid who looks like Kenny, now has a spike going through him, and is rolling down the highway. KID WHO LOOKS LIKE STAN: "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny! You bastards!" The crowd, now an angry mob, surrounds Freaqboy. WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE KYLE'S MOM: "Who are we gonna blame this on?" CROWD: "CANADA??" WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE KYLE'S MOM: "NO! Freaqboy!" Freaqboy begins to panic as the SouthPark clan draws nearer. (Yeah, I know. The SouthPark sitcom is based in Colorado, not Canada. But hows about a little literary liscense. Jeesh. Besides, they're funnier than Bob and Doug Mackenzie. COOO OOO CA COOO COOO COOO CA COOO.) He whirls his ridiculously long sandwich around his head like an elven blade. WHAP! WHAP! He manages to break through the mob. He runs to his car and jumps in. The SouthPark clan regroups and chases after him. Thinking quickly, Freaqboy pops out the Rush tape, and inserts an Anne Murray tape. Squeals of horror and pain burst from the SouthPark clan. They start to explode all over the place from the disgusting noise blaring from Freqboy's car speakers. He manages to escape!! Freaqboy wipes the sweat from his brow and continues his trek. As he cruises down the highway, he sees the KID WHO LOOKS LIKE KENNY, rolling by. Meanwhile back at the set of PJ's LOTR... PJ is surrounded by his cast and crew. They look at him menacingly. PJ: "Freaqboy!! Freaqboy, where are yoooooooo?????" Cut to TORC. Christianity threads abound. Yet another, "Do Balrog's have wings" debate begins. The "WHAT WAS THE MOST POWERFUL CIVILIZATION IN MIDDLE EARTH?", thread is rolling merrily along. Socr@tes has a pink carpet, but there is still no Freaqboy. FANS OF FREAQBOY: " Freaqboy! Freaqboy, where are yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?????????????" My apologies to all religious faiths. To all non-religious faiths. To people who think balrogs have wings, and those who don't. To all children, adults, all nationalities, especially Canadians. To all that were included in this bit, and to all those who were left out. To Ted and Jonathan. To the creators of SouthPark , Bob and Doug Mackenzie, Geddy Lee and Rush. ( Not to Anne Murray! ) Especially to Freaqboy, wherever you are.

Posted by Hama at TolkienOnline.com

There was a rumour that Peter Jackson has sought the opinions of various experts like Tom Shippey. I was wondering who some of the others might be. I then came up with a short list of Frank Herbert, Gene Roddenberry, Nick Park and several orthodox Jews. With that in mind, I present the next installment of Project W.I.N.K.L.E, THE FORBIDDEN POOL: ###################################################################### FARAMIR, SEVERAL SOLDIERS, FRODO and SAM are at the passes that lead up to Henneth Annun.. FARMIR: It is now time to blindfold you. I would trust you to close your eyes but eyes are apt to open if the feet stumble. SAM: This isn’t anything to do with blind man’s buff is it? We shan’t have to take off our clothes, shall we? The men all look at each other. FARAMIR: We play no elvish games here. FRODO: Gimli the dwarf ill endured the idea, but we hobbits thought it sounded fun. Since the 'running naked on the barrow downs' bit has been cut, I thought we might fit something similar in here. FARAMIR: You are a perverted little people aren’t you? FRODO and SAM are unceremoniously blindfolded and led off. SPLOOP! We are in a cave, there is a pool below it filled with lilies, canadian pond weed and several ornamental goldfish. There is a nice rockery around the pool, and several shruberies planted on at least two levels, thus giving a pleasing effect to the eye. Someone has left a hosepipe running above the cave and the water is sprinkling across the cave entrance. FARAMIR: Welcome to Henneth Annun. The window on the west. This is a secret place, where we come to do a bit of quiet gardening. Which is why Ithilien is called the garden of Gondor. FRODO: I see. Do you do any sunbathing here? The pool looks inviting. FARAMIR: Enough of that! But wait, what is happening there! He points. Out by the pond is a thin scrawny shape clad only in a loincloth. It is GOLLUM and he is eyeing the goldfish hungrily. FARAMIR: It’s not another of you hobbits, is it? Any excuse to whip your clothes off, it seems! Well, this has gone to far. My men will shoot him full of arrows for trespassing where he should not. FRODO: Please, I beg you, don’t do this. I can persuade him to come back with me. He is a companion of ours, after all. FARAMIR: Very well. But see to it that neither of you remove any articles of clothing. If that happens then we shall do something about it. FRODO climbs down to where GOLLUM is. FRODO: Smeagol! Smeagol! Come to master. GOLLUM: Shan’t. Not nice master, runs off with wicked men! FRODO: Smeagol you are in danger here, master has come back to you. GOLLUM: No. Smeagol is not happy. FRODO advances on GOLLUM and pulls out a box. FRODO: Smeagol! Put your hand in the box! GOLLUM: Oh no, not again! FRODO: What do you mean? GOLLUM: First Sauron, then Aragorn, then Sam and now you with this blessed box. FRODO: What are you talking about? GOLLUM: I'll explain! SPLOOP! In Sauron’s dungeon. SAURON is here, as is GOLLUM quivering before him. Sauron advances on GOLLUM with a box. SAURON: Put your hand in the box! GOLLUM: What's in the box? SAURON: Pain! SAURON moves closer and GOLLUM makes to run away, but, with lightening speed, SAURON reaches forward and holds something large and alien looking against GOLLUM'S scrawny neck. SAURON: Stop! I hold at your neck a Jem Hadar. This one kills only those who refuse my dominion.” SPLOOP! On the dead marshes are ARAGORN and GOLLUM. ARAGORN is holding GOLLUM, grappling with him. Finally ARAGORN pulls out a box. ARAGORN: Put your hand in the box! GOLLUM: Shan't! ARAGORN pulls out something large and floppy and holds it close to GOLLUM’S scrawny neck. ARAGORN: Stop! I hold at your neck the Wrong Trouser. This one makes any who wear it walk only where I will them to. SPLOOP! On the Emyn Muil are SAM, FRODO and GOLLUM. FRODO is holding GOLLUM and SAM is advancing on him with a box. SAM: Put your hand in the box! GOLLUM: Look, I'm getting fed up with this! SAM says nothing but moves closer. GOLLUM, resigned to his fate, stayed where he was and waited for SAM to reach forward and place something festively jewish against his scrawny neck. SAM: I hold at your neck the Yom Kippur. This one only judges those who do not do all the things they should do. SPLOOP! We return to the pool of Henneth Annun. GOLLUM and FRODO are here. GOLLUM: So you see, I’ve been through this before. Frodo says nothing but moves closer. Gollum makes to run away, but, with lightening speed, Frodo reaches forward and holds something large and fishy against Gollum's scrawny neck. FRODO: Stop! I hold at your neck a Long Kipper. This one chokes only those who refuse to do what I say. GOLLUM: Oh hell. OK, it’s a fair cop. They head back to cave.

Posted by Elmtree at TolkienOnline.com

FLASHBACK SCENE-- HELMS DEEP. Arwen is fighting orcs, slashing with her broadsword, green mithril dress/armor flying in the wind! She swings wide with her sword, and slashes her horses neck, but not deeply. Just then Eowyn appears. ARWEN: Ver did you come from? EOWYN: THAT'S Not how you slash a horse's neck! You are supposed to be a Warrior Princess? HA! You are not nearly the XENARWEN you were made out to be! EOWYN slices the horses head off. EOWYN: NOW DATS HOW VE DO IT! Aragorn is watching from the wall. He shakes his head sadly. ARAGORN: Alas, that Wormtongue Dude long whispered mean and nasty things, and not only into Theoden's ears! FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK: Eowyn having Tea with Grima, who is leering at her. GRIMA: Nasty ugly things, horses. If your Uncle and Brother weren't so into horses, you'd have a REAL palace, like they do in Gondor! CUT BACK TO PRESENT, ISENGARD. Theoden, Gandalf, Aragorn, Arwen, Legolas, Gimli, Eomer, and Eowyn, stand beneath the tower of Orthanc. GANDALF: Saruman, your staff is broken! Grima shrieks in pain. GANDALF: No, I mean the stick thing in your hand, with that little marble on top! Saruman's staff breaks, and plunges to the ground. Saruman grabs for it, and falls.... we hear a splash as he hits a pool of water. GANDALF: Now where did he get too? Grima opens the door to Orthanc. Grima: I'll just be leaving now. EOWYN CHARGES FORWARD AND DECAPITATES HIM. Eowyn: That is for all the evil you have done to me, and my horses! And 'tis vengence for the death of Theoden! Theoden: I'm not dead, dear sister-daughter! Eowyn: Just wait! Haven't you read the script? And why can't you call me "niece" like any normal uncle? Just then we see in the background, a big wheely dealy turning in a pool of water. All are turned towards orthanc, where Pippin and Merry are playing basketball with the thing that fell off Saruman's staff, and do not see Saruman, impaled, slowly rise out of the water. They turn as he goes back down under, with the rotation of the wheel. Gandalf: Dang, where did he get to? I don't have the key to Orthanc yet! Oh well, we have to get to Minas Tirith. Treebeard, keep an eye on this place, will you? TREEBEARD is leaning against the wheely dealy, but appears fairly oblivious to what's going on. TREEBEARD: HRoooom. Uh-- Okay. As the party turns to leave, we see SARUMAN'S Body rise again out of the water, as treebeard stares into the distance, oblivious. The camera zooms in on Eowyn's troubled face. She slides her finger across her blade, with the wild look of a serial killer in her eye.

Posted by holbytla at TolkienOnline.com

SCENE JUST OUTSIDE THE OLD FOREST A tall hat with a feather sticking from it can be seen off in the distance bobbing up and down. A voice comes wafting through the air, singing a nonsensical tune. BOMBADIL: "Ho Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadilo, bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yeeelooooooo....ahhhhh" !PLOP! Tom's head can be seen rolling on the ground, detached from his shoulders. Eowyn is standing there fingering her trusty blade. PJ: "CUT! CUT! I mean....errr don't cut...errr. Oh dear me, what are we going to do now. It wouldn't be proper to have a headless Bombadil in the movie, now would it! I guess we'll have to err cut that scene out, so to speak. Now that is what I call a clean lift! OK thats a wrap everyone!"

Posted by Jon Goatleaf at TolkienOnline.com

Fast Forward to Minas Morgul FRODO, SAM, and GOLLUM sneak carefully into IMLAD MORGUL. It is BIG and SCARY. There are BIG ROCKS and DEAD STUFF everywhere. A BIG SCARY CASTLE with BIG SCARY THINGS sticking out. GOLLUM: Shhhhh....... we issss at MINASssss MORGUL! Ssssstupid Hobbitsessss be careful. SAM: Oh, cut the hissing you fool! It's driving me out of my skull! GOLLUM: Sowwy. The three creep along when suddenly MINAS MORGUL's BIG SCARY DRAWBRIDGE lowers and a lot of BIG GREEN ORCS run out. They have TUSKS and look REALLY SCARY. At the front is the WITCH KING. He is REALLY, REALLY SCARY. He rides a SCARY HORSE. FRODO, SAM, and GOLLUM hide under a SCARY BRIDGE and watch the SCARY ARMY go by. Suddenly, without any warning, ZIMMERMAN jumps out from behind a rock and laughs maniacally. ZIMMERMAN: Bwahahahaha!!! At last this movie is mine!!!! ZIMMERMAN takes the script from his pocket and scribbles a bit and erases a bit. All of a sudden the ORCS grow FEATHERS (they are, after all, a form of AUKS), the WITCH KING starts to SCREECH, and RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICHES fall out of the sky. Everyone gasps. ZIMMERMAN: They said I couldn't do it! But I showed them! I showed them all! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! PJ appears from behind some rocks. PJ grabs the script and clobbers ZIMMERMAN over the head with it. He scribbles and erases some more. PJ grabs ZIMMERMAN and drags him offstage. All the ORCS turn GREEN and the WITCH KING stops SCREECHING. The RIDICULOUSLY LONG SANDWICHES all DISAPPEAR. Everyone shrugs and goes back to what they were doing. Next page (Page 12)

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