Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!! 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|13|14|15|16|17|18|19|20|21|22|23

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

CUT BACK TO: Paths of the DEAD! ARAGORN, GIMLI, LEGOLAS, the CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST, and SEVERAL RANGERS sit around a campfire, in front of a cave entrance cleverly marked "PATHS OF THE DEAD". The RANGERS are tending their wounded. GIMLI frantically brushes his eyes with a toothbrush. LEGOLAS questions ARAGORN. LEGOLAS However did we get here? Last I remember we were riding to Edoras, and then I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare of which I could never escape! Verily did I scream in my dream, and I wish I could die ere I see what I saw again! ARAGORN Hey-y-y! That's my... um... I guess it would be a girl, that you're talking about... GIMLI(Furiously brushing his eyes, while downing DWAAAARVEN ALE with a straw...) ACH! The image is still there, burnt into my pupils like only the devil himself could! Never will I rid myself of it... ARAGORN Do not worry, my friends... soon we will be walking through... THE PATHS OF THE DEAD! THUNDER strikes... a loud screeching is heard, and the remains of a charred monkey falls out of a tree. LEGOLAS Ah, I did not even know those were native to these parts... GIMLI But... but... Aragorn! The PATHS OF THE DEAD frighten me as well... THUNDER strikes again. RANGER #1 ON FIRE runs by, screaming for someone to douse him. RANGER #2 Stop SAYING that! GIMLI though not nearly as much as what I saw! I have heard that it is filled with the spirits of the most dreaded warriors known to man... the ghosts of Tolkien fans! GIMLI douses half a jug of DWAAAAAARVEN ALE on the burning RANGER... however, the high alcohol content causes the flame to burn brighter. RANGER #1(gasping, in extraordinary pain) Kill me! Kill me please... LEGOLAS Wait a minute! What's a monkey doing in northern Europe? They are not acclimated to the sorts of temperatures commonly found in this temperate zone! ARAGORN It is true, Gimli, about the paths of the dead... Many years ago, one of the name of Kelannar, along with the Queen Wildwood, led the Purist army in an all out battle against the Revisionist forces, led by a Freaqboy individual, as well as one who has been known to cut the hair of Peter Jackson...(cough) I mean Sauron. His barber, you could say. None survived, and all now live in torment for ignoring the lessons taught by the great book. They must now fulfill their oath by playing a role in that book. RANGER #2(to LEGOLAS) This is an imaginary world, so the rules of the real world don't really exist... Just as the Elves are commonly found in Samurai getup... ELVEN RANGERS Hai! RANGER #2(to LEGOLAS) ... so are monkeys found in northern trees. GIMLI(visibly shaken...) I will follow you through the paths of the dead, but only because I fear Arwen more than death. BURNT RANGER(Ranger #1, still on fire...) (gasp) Killl... me.... Pleaassee... LEGOLAS(to BURNT RANGER) Listen man, we're already enough trouble from science fiction freaks because we stole the bloody coccoon idea from Aliens, the LAST thing we want is some moron stealing lines!! LEGOLAS walks towards the paths of the dead. GIMLI walks up to the BURNT RANGER on the ground. GIMLI YEAH! GIMLI delivers a mighty kick, then follows the rest into the paths. He then turns and addresses the BURNT RANGER GIMLI Hurry up! We've gotta move on! LEGOLAS hits his head on the doorway. LEGOLAS Ouch! CUT TO: PATHS OF THE DEAD. THE CREW follow ARAGORN cautiously, each carrying torches... GIMLI shakes like a leaf, occasionally taking a swig from a hip flask... GIMLI I... I can still see her... in the darkness... FURTHER and FURTHER they travel, down the deep trail. finally, they come to a wide open room with doors on either side... LEGOLAS I wonder where these doors lead to... VOICE They... lead... to... the... surface... GIMLI SCREAMS, and throws his axe, embedding it into the head of a burnt figure his hand on a door. GIMLI Take that, you overstuffed buzzard! the BURNT RANGER screams! It was him all along! BURNT RANGER AAAHH!!! MY HEAD! RIGHT INTO MY HEAD! GIMLI pulls his axe out GIMLI Then ya shouldn't go sneaking up on people then! BURNT RANGER AAH! I CAN'T SEE! YOU'VE SLICED THE CEREBELLUM! MY COGNITIVE FUNCTIONS ARE FAILING!! LEGOLAS SOMEONE woke up on the wrong side of the sleeping mat, didn't they? I happen to have a HUGE blister on my right foot, but you don't hear ME complaining! ARAGORN We must toss away the torches now, and continue in darkness... it's scarier that way. ALL douse their torches, except for GIMLI who tosses his to the side. It LANDS on BURNT RANGER, setting him on fire once again. BURNT RANGER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARAGORN SSHH!! You don't want to scare away the dead now, do you? Suddenly, in the distance, VOICES can be heard... VOICE #1 It's not in the book! Such a rabid rape of the text is impossible to defend! VOICE #2 Obviously you don't know the first thing about how a film is made... GIMLI clings tightly to LEGOLAS. ARAGORN gazes around. ARAGORN TORC-ERS! LISTEN TO ME! You must fulfill your oath! VOICE #3 That is NOT what Aragorn said! If you look on Page 345 of the third edition of The Two Towers... VOICE #4 But in Tolkien's letters, he clearly stated he wanted to change that part! How can you so blindly throw away what was obviously Tolkien's intent? GIMLI AAHHH!! GIMLI flees. The rest follow, leading the way out of the darkness. All around the sound of shuffling indexes and rabid conversation can be heard... BURNT RANGER(from the distance) Umm... Guys? I need some help here... I'm still alive... guys? Can you help me out?...

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

BACK TO THE FUTURE (or: The Swamps of Mordor) SAM Well, mathter, we theem to be in the Thwampth of Mordor. FRODO Yes, having made it safely back from the Kathhardrath, we now face another deadly peril! SAM (knitting his brows) Where ethactly WATH the Kathhardrath, Mithter Frodo? FRODO Search me. But I do know that as we approached the Kathhardrath, you suddenly acquired this strange lisp. SAM Yeth thir, ith moth odd, in a manner of thpeaking. Suddenly a NAZGUL flies overhead like a B-52, making both hobbits gasp and fall over in the Swamps with shock. FRODO (faintly) Oh Sam ... the horror ... please hold my hand ... SAM Can't do that, thir, I'm a married man. GOLLUM suddenly pops up from a Swamp of Mordor. GOLLUM Ach! Riders in wingses! Wraithsess! Hobbitses! Lucases! Jar-Jar Binkssesssss! Our worst nightmare, precioussssss! SAM You know, you really THOULD do thomething about that thpeech impediment of yourth

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

CUT TO: FRODO asleep, SAM and GOLLUM sitting, staring at each other. Still STARING. SAM Well, you little thcamp, if you're jutht gonna thit there, you can go and grab me n' Frodo thome grub, like coneyth or thomething. GOLLUM(blank look) (beat)... What isss... isss coneyth, my preciousss?? SAM CONEYTH! CONEYTH! RABBITTH! Little hopping critterth that eat grath! GOLLUM (Blank look) SAM(Frustrated) Nevermind, I'll grab thome thtrawberrieth. GOLLUM(under his breath) Stupid Hobbitses, why couldn't they asks me for something simple like Rabbitses or something... CUT TO: SAM frying up strawberries over a little fire. GOLLUM happily munching on rabbits. FRODO(murmuring in his sleep) Yes, there... no... lower... SUDDENLY... A sound is heard from the woods! GOLLUM ACHHHHH!!!! SAM ATTTHHHH!!! FRODO(Waking up) HE SAID HE WAS EIGHTEEN!!! (Cough) what's going on? SAM There's some queer goings on about... FRODO quickly removes his hands from his pockets. SUDDENLY, two soldiers JUMP OUT OF THE BUSHES!!! SOLDIERS HALT!!! SOLDIER #1 We... ummm... we are... SOLDIER #2 soldiers from Gondor... SOLDIER #1 That's right, soldiers from gonthor, and... SOLDIER #2 No no, GONDOR. With a D. SOLDIER #1 Gondor... Soldier #2 right. SOLDIER #1(pulls piece of paper out of pockets.) umm... where was I... OK, soldiers of Gondor, and we will de... des... destroy you with our maggoty... I mean mighty... blades... as we strike... SOLDIER #2 Our what? SOLDIER #1 umm... it says our mighty blades... SOLDIER #2 starts patting himself down, searching for something... SOLDIER #1 ...as we... we will slay all allies of Mordor, you fool, er, foul... orcs! SOLDIER #2 what mighty blades? SOLDIER #1 what? SOLDIER #2 You said we were supposed to slay them with mighty blades. Where are they? SOLDIER #1 The what? SOLDIER #2 The mighty blades. SOLDIER #1 I thought you had them? SOLDIER #2 No, I was supposed to bring the blankets and armor polish, you were supposed to bring the weapons. SOLDIER #1 (Beat) (Throws down his piece of paper) Here we come, halfway into Mordor, we find our first couple of orcs, and you forget the bloody swords? FRODO Umm... excuse me? SOLDIER #1 What are we supposed to do, poke at them with a pointy twig? SOLDIER #2 opens his mouth as if to talk, then notices something on the ground. FRODO Excuse me? We're not orcs, actually... we don't really have the green skin for it... SOLDIER #2(Holding pointy twig) Now, umm, I guess we kill you... (Soldiers begin poking SAM with pointy twigs) SAM Ouch! FRODO pulls forth STING, and slashes the pointy twigs in two!! SOLDIER #1 Hey, that's no fair! Now my twig isn't pointy anymore! VOICE SILENCE!!! EVERYONE stops, and looks up. THERE, standing regally, is the mighty FARAMIR. He holds a bow in his hands, the arrow POINTED at SAM and FRODO. GOLLUM has disappeared. FARAMIR These aren't orcs. SOLDIER #1 But they're short! SOLDIER #2 I was just telling him, there's no way these are orcs, cuz they don't have the green skin for it, see? But he wouldn't listen... FARAMIR SILENCE! SOLDIERS Right. SUDDENLY, SOLDIERS appear all around SAM and FRODO. FRODO Umm... Can I ask, sir, what you're doing here? I mean, it looks like you guys are ready for a battle or something, yet there's nothing around here. So why are you up here? FARAMIR We were... we were umm just going for a walk. Yeah, that's right. A walk. (threateningly to his soldiers)ISN'T THAT RIGHT? SOLDIERS agree, with a chorus of "Absolutely!"'s, and "Nice lovely walk"'s, and the odd "Beautiful day for a nice stroll..." SAM But, wathn't there thuppothed to be a battle with Oliphantth and the like? FARAMIR(growing darker) It's a movie. Movies are like war. Things change. Things get cut short. Things die. I've seen a lot of war in my time. The screams of children as their village gets napalmed... the smell of burning palms... SOLDIER Umm... sir? FARAMIR(continuing) ...the screams of your men as an enemy sniper takes them out one at a time. I remember leading a batallion through the river... I was in charge of a gunboat in those days, and we were ambushed. Fire from all sides, arrows piercing my men. Jonesamir took 15 to the chest, he was dead before he even hit the water. As for me, I never wouldn't have made it out alive if it hadn't been for the extra pair of socks I was wearing that day... SOLDIER Sir? FARAMIR(irritated) WHAT? FARAMIR jerks to the side, letting his arrow fly off in a random direction. The BURNT RANGER pops up on the horizon, screaming. BURNT RANGER Someone, PLEASE HELP ME! I've crawled all this way from the paths of the dead and I... ARROW imbeds him in the head. He goes down. SOLDIER Umm.. sorry to interrupt, sir, but we need to know what to do with these halflings, whatever they are. BURNT RANGER(from the other side of the hill) MY EYE! YOUR ARROW HIT MY EYE! Right through the retina! My stereoscopic vision is gone forever! I've lost my depth perception! FARAMIR We'll take them with us. They'll be our captives for now. I remember when I was a captive. I spent six years in a POW camp. They would wire my 'nads to a lightning rod, and every time a storm came up... SOLDIER SIR! FARAMIR what? SOLDIER umm... we have to go now...

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

SOLDIER 2: "Uh, we'd really better be going!" FARAMIR: "That's the problem with you men! All talk and no fight! You forget your swords, wander around in broad daylight - you know, Johnson wander around in daylight too. He said he liked the trees and the sky - idiot! He didn't come back one evening, and I went out to look for him. I found him, tossed against a tree, with most of his chest blown away. You know what a mortar shell can do to a man..." FARAMIR draws close to FRODO. FARAMIR: "Hmmmm... You're alot smaller than Johnson was - before he was blown in two, I mean... I think that the blast would probably leave a smeared stain in place of a hobbit - you are a hobbit, right?" FRODO faints SAM stands by dumbly as FRODO falls to the ground. SAM: "Sorry, sir - I can't catch you or even lay a hand on you. I'm a married man!" FARAMIR: "Yeah, Johnson was married. 2.5 kids and a dog - the perfect American family, until -" A LOUD SCREAM CUTS FARAMIR OFF! ORCS and DARK MEN from the SOUTH come running out of the woods. They are all wielding weapons and look very scary, though a bit clueless. SOUTHERN CAPTAIN: "I say, sur - what is the meaning of this?" FARAMIR: "Get out of here, you lousy southerner!" FARAMIR raises his sword and attacks. Hordes of clueless RANGERS poor out of the woods to do battle. FARAMIR: "FOR JOHNSON!!!" SOLDIER 1: "FREEDOM!!!" SOUTHERN CAPTAIN: "Sur, you dishonor me!" The SOUTHERNERS unveil the Conferedate flag as their battle standard and start shooting the RANGERS with dueling pistols. In their midsts, Yosamite Sam is running wild. The SOUTHERN CAPTAIN finally meets FARAMIR in battle. FARAMIR: "You'll pay for what you did to Johnson!" SOUTHERN CAPTAIN: "Again you dishonor me - have you no shame? SOUTHERN CAPTAIN slaps FARAMIR with a white dueling glove. SOUTHERN CAPTAIN: "Are you man enough to fight for your honor?" FARAMIR shrugs. SOUTHERN CAPTAIN then shows off his cool pistol moves by twirling them around, shooting birds out of the sky, and such. FARAMIR runs the CAPTAIN through with a large scimitar. INDIANA JONES: "Well, that's a twist!" Meanwhile, the RANGERS are winning and the SOUTHERNERS are retreating. SOUTHERN ARMIES: "The South shall rise again!" SOUTHERN ARMIES depart. Just then, the MORDOR CIRCUS CARAVAN rolls by. It has all sorts of intersting things, including ORC CLOWNS who say, "Zug Zug", DRUNKEN BALROGS, TOY RINGS, and ELEPHANTS. SAM stops pondering over how he can help FRODO without touching him and sees the ELEPHANTS. SAM: "OLIPHANTS!! I knew they existed! I knew it couldn't have been all that LSD! Funny, they aren't pink...." FRODO slowly gets up and says: "Sam, what the heck is an OLIPHANT?! Those are ELEPHANTS? Is this more of that speech impediment stuff again?" SAM whips out a copy of the Lord of the Rings. SAM: "Look, it says right here that I am supposed to call them OLIPHANTS, not ELEPHANTS!" PETER JACKSON walks into the scene, grabs the book, and tears it up. P.J.: "Here, now - we don't need that thing on the set! Get back to the script!" GHOST OF TOLKIEN: "Tonight, PJ, you will be visited by Three Ringbearers. The first will come at the stroke of one, the second at the stroke of two, and the third in his own good time. Listen to them, Peter Jackson, or your fate will be worse than Sauron's...." P.J. motions to the GHOST OF TOLKIEN and says: "Will somebody get that off the set?! I didn't order any special effects ghosts!" The GHOSTBUSTERS enter the stage and the GHOST OF TOLKIEN quickly disappears. SOLDIER 2: "Well, we've won! And I got 3,000 experience points! Soon, I'll be a level 2 Ranger!" SOLDIER 1: "Yeah, but only if you maintain your Good alignment." SOLDIER 2: "Well, I try to be good... Does it say that I can't be stupid and good?" SOLDIER 1: "Nay, there's no such thing as Stupid Good alignment. You're okay. In a few more levels, you'll be smart enough to bring a weapon with you to battle!" SOLDIER 2: "Goodie!" FARAMIR: "Yeah, Smith got a lot of experience points - he was only 100 away from being a level 15 Ranger... But then he messed with some blue-skinned freak named Drizzt or something, and that was the end of him. Bam - and I was out of resurrection scrolls! Oh, the shame! I still blame myself!" SOLDIER 3: "Cool! I get a speaking part! Hey, maybe we should take these Hobbits with us somewhere!" SOLDIER 1: "Good idea!" They quickly round up the Hobbits, toss them in a bag, and take them off into the sunset

Posted by holbytla at TolkienOnline.com

The Ride to Minas Tirith An Alternative Scene Gandalf and Pippin on Shadowfax. Pippin is curled up in front of Gandalf. Fields of Rohan are rolling by, literally, as stage scenery is rolled past them. One falls over and nails Gandalf on the head. GANDALF: "OUCH!" PIPPIN: " Hey Gandalf, where are we going to?" GANDALF: " Minas Tirith." PIPPIN: "Why?" GANDALF: "So I can ride into battle on this fabulous steed, and so you can meet the Lord Denethor. Didn't you read the book?" PIPPIN: "Where is Minas Tirith, what are the names of all the stars in heaven, what are the palantir, where are you from, what....." GANDALF: " Shut up you fool of a Took! and enjoy the ride. Shadowfax will show you his paces." PIPPIN: " My how fast he runs, oooh." Suddenly the path ahead is blocked by a tow truck. Shadowfax screeches to a halt. An overweight guy in greasy overalls, cigar dangling from his lips, jumps out. MECHANIC: "Hey Bub, your gonna haf' ta gimme dat der horse, see. Its been reposessed, see. PJ is way bahind on da payments, see. Gandalf and Pippin jump down. GANDALF: "But how are we supposed to get to Minas Tirith?" MECHANIC: "Well", he said as he scratched his head, "I got this here pony dat wuz scratched from da script. He's yours if da price is right." The mechanic lowers the pony to the ground with the wench. It is none other than Fatty Lumpkin! Gandalf looks at the mechanic blankly. Pippin rolls his eyes. GANDALF: "Well how about these?" Gandalf's staff bursts into flame, and suddenly The CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST, appears, looking quite runny. MECHANIC: Well, that is a start anyway." Gandalf then whips out yet another ridiculously long sandwich, and offers it to the mechanic. The mechanic's face brightens. MECHANIC: " Well dats more like it. I am sorta hungry like. Okay itzadeeel." The mechanic scoops up The RESURRECTED SLIGHTLY RUNNY CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST, and the ridiculously long sandwich, and hops into the truck and drives off. Squeals of horror can be heard from the RSRCSFKATPR (RESURRECTED SLIGHTLY RUNNY CONGEALED SAUSAGES FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE POT ROAST), as the tow truck pulls away. Pippin waves goodbye to Shadowfax. Pippin eyes Fatty Lumpkin with disdain. He looks questioningly at Gandalf. GANDALF: "Errr, aahhh, ahummm.. No problem. Errr." PIPPIN: "Hey Gandalf, how are we supposed to get all the way to Minas Tirith on Fatty Lumpkin? Besides, how stupid are you gonna look, riding ol' Fatty here into battle against the Witch King?" GANDALF: " Name him not! Besides, we have all these studio costumes laying about. We can disguise hime to look like Shadowfax." Pippin rolls his eyes and looks at Gandalf with a queer gleam in his eyes. No not that kind of queer gleam! Gandalf wips out an old straw hat with a daisy attached and places it on Fatty Lumpkin, now disquised as Shadowfax. GANDALF: " There, now nobody will be able to tell the difference!" Pippin gazes at Gandalf as if he was looking at a deranged person. They both mount Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax, and head towards Minas Tirith. Mile after slow mile, they trudge along. PIPPIN: " Hey Gandalf, it will take weeks to get to Minas Tirith at this pace. What are we going to do?" All of a sudden Arwen appears out of nowhere, wearing a string bikini cleverly in tune with the colours of the surrounding scenery. For some unexplained reason, "Dream On" by Aerosmith plays in the background. Gandalf and Pippin become violently ill, and pull out barf bags. ARWEN: " Duh, since I cannot go down de pathsofdedead wif my luv, Aragorn, uh I can help you." Arwen then proceeds to carry Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax, Gandalf Pippin, et al, towards Minas Tirith. Enter Peter Jackson. PJ: " Sorry Liv me luv, errrhhh, a Arwen me luv. Most of your scenes have been cut. Chnaged me mind. You are no longer the Xena type warrior princess. It just wont do." Arwen looks at Peter, and starts bawling ferociously. Fatty Lumpkin, now disguised as Shadowfax, Gandalf, and Pippin fall to the ground with a thud. PJ: "Dems da breaks kid." Arwen, not knowing what else to do, takes three giant steps and is in Rivendell. ARWEN: " Daddy oh daddy, what dey did to me. Dey cut most of my scenes. Daddy do somsing!" Elrond: "Right. Well Princess, I might as well tell you the rest of the bad news. I am not your Daddy. He is." Elrond points to a raggedly looking man who is leaning to one side. He is none other than Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Steve looks as though he has seen too many days on the road, or in the bush. STEVE TYLER: " Heeeyyy baby don't worrrrrriiieeee. I'll get you some scenes in another movie. Maybe you can come on the road with me!" Arwen snuggles up to Steve, who looks like he is about to lose his lunch. Fade to black. Next page (Page 11)

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