Unofficial Scripts - PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E

From the Tolkienonline.com(TORC) Movie Forum...PROJECT W.I.N.K.L.E!!

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Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

Peter Jackson's LORD of the THINGS Part 1: A long-expected party. The screen is DARK. [from Moriarty's script review:] FRODO (V.O.) When we turn away from the darkness of our past to take comfort in our peaceful lives, we sometimes forget how dearly that peace was bought. But there is much worth remembering in the darkness... BILBO lights a torch. reveals SLIPPERS. BILBO My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness! BILBO switches off lights. CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. they FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy hits his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst. FRODO (V.O.) Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began. History became legend... legend became myth. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING SLIPPERS.. BILBO Now where did I put my slippers... BILBO looks around, there are no slippers BILBO Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers! BILBO wanders off. CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED. BILBO Everyone looks so happy and excited! FRODO Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don't look a day over fifty! BILBO Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven't seemed to age a day... OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO's shocked face. BILBO But don't worry, young FRODO, I'm sure nothing bad will happen when I give the ring to you. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN FRODO I'm sure everything will be fine. Let's go join the party! They DO. They have FUN. BILBO I would like to make a speech! Everyone CHEERS. BILBO I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are! Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS. CUT to BILBO'S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair. GANDALF I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath. BILBO Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring. BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring. GANDALF No! I cannot be allowed to touch it! GANDALF touches it. BILBO I will leave it on this table! BILBO doesn't. GANDALF Leave it on the table! BILBO does. He leaves. GANDALF hits head on rafters. GANDALF Ouch! Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO. GANDALF Bye, Frodo! FRODO Bye, Gandalf! GANDALF hits head on roof. GANDALF Ouch! GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back. GANDALF Hi, Frodo! FRODO Hi, Gandalf! GANDALF You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil! GANDALF hits head on rafters. GANDALF Ouch! FRODO Is it really? Here, have a rediculously long sandwich! GANDALF eats sandwich. GANDALF Yes, it is! Here, give it to me! GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts. GANDALF Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now. GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows. FRODO What does it say? GANDALF It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said: One thing to fool them all! One thing to blind them! One thing to bring them all! And in the theatre find them! FRODO What does it mean? GANDALF It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means. FRODO cool.

Posted by Radagast at TolkienOnline.com

Part 2: A Shadow of the Past FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY FRODO Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means? GANDALF When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Richard Head is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo? FRODO is DOZING OFF GANDALF Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen! GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD FRODO Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you. GANDALF That's not what I was saying! FRODO Of course not! GANDALF Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing. FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED) Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it? GANDALF I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery FRODO INTERRUPTS I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery? GANDALF Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot... FADES TO BLACK OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN GANDALF (v.o) It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody affair, and, on the whole, not much fun. FRODO (v.o) Uh, didn't we see this before? GANDALF (v.o.) Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat... ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem. GIL-GALAD Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his smiting! ISILDUR Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment. METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN GIL-GALAD Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest! ISILDUR Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him! SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER ISILDUR Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy? GIL-GALAD Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and look like a kitchen appliance gone wild. ISILDUR May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed! GIL-GALAD You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth! SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two, and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye. SAURON Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls! GIL-GALAD Nay, you shall eat our steel! Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is chopped off his hand. FADES TO BLACK CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF FRODO Wow! That was cool! GANDALF Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I fear for us all! FRODO Um... You still haven't said why! GANDALF Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all of Middle Earth! FRODO That sucks! GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it GANDALF I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example. GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and GANDALF start COUGHING (AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it? GANDALF No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM LIGHTNING and THUNDER FRODO That's odd... it's sunny outside... GANDALF Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!! LIGHTING and THUNDER again BOTH are SILENT SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside GANDALF What's that sound? FRODO Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously long sandwich? FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF FRODO Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?

Posted by freaqboy at TolkienOnline.com

GANDALF munches happily on his second rediculously large sandwich. GANDALF You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it! FRODO Aww, do I have to? GANDALF Yes, it all started so long ago... CUT TO SECOND AGE GANDALF(vo) When the armies of elf and man made their last stand... FRODO This is the third time you've said this! CUT back to BAG END GANDALF I did? Oh... GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE! FRODO It's Sam Gamgee! GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK! FRODO It's Pippin Took! GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK! FRODO It's Merry Brandybuck! GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST! FRODO it's a pot roast! GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN! FRODO It's Dracula! CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain. GANDALF So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I? SAM Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir! PIPPIN There's only three of us... GANDALF Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End here? MERRY We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright... SAM Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked... PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent. GANDALF Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him! Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later! GANDALF takes a rediculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the way out. GANDALF Ouch! CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table plotting their escape from Hobbiton...

Posted by Diamond of Long Cleeve at TolkienOnline.com

Part 4: A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT'S PASSION) cut to PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY, and FRODO leaving Hobbiton. SAM has a heavy load on his head, including the POT ROAST. PIPPIN carries book: "The Good Pub Guide to the Four Farthings'" PIPPIN I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it's got the best beer in the South Farthing! FRODO Pippin, you've got ale on the brain. MERRY I've just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish! FRODO Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril. PIPPIN You mean - Farmer Maggot's four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one's ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth's guts in single combat??? FRODO No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they! PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror) Oh no! Not ... not the Nazgul? FRODO Name them not! SAM No, indeed they must not be named! MERRY I haven't the faintest idea what you people are talking about. FRODO It's OK, Merry. We haven't actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don't even know what they are. We haven't got to that part of the story yet. SAM I think we did, sir, a few pages back. FRODO Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It's a clean lift so that's OK. Anyway, there's Mrs Maggot's passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril. PIPPIN Mrs Maggot's passion? FRODO (darkly) We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys. PIPPIN (face brightening) Oh ... IS she now? FRODO Believe me, Pip, you DON'T want to go there. PIPPIN Oh yes, I do! FRODO Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I've not dared go near Maggot's farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me! SAM (earnestly) It's OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she'll have Sam Gamgee to contend with. MERRY Behold, she approaches! MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse. MRS MAGGOT (leering) Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads? The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other. FRODO See what I mean? SAM What shall we do, sir? FRODO RUN!!!! They all run away from the lascivious MRS MAGGOT, apart from PIPPIN. MERRY runs back and grabs PIPPIN. PIPPIN (pouting) Ohhhh ... spoilsports!

Posted by Celebrim at TolkienOnline.com

EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD FRODO I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to? Sound effects of a HORSE trotting in this direction. All hobbits cock their heads to listen. MERRY Maybe that’s Gandalf. CREEPY OMINOUS MUSIC begins to play. The sounds of the trotting HORSE become thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are GUNSHOTS. PIPPIN looks at a small glass of water and sees waves forming in it. FRODO Somehow, I don’t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let’s hide! All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire breathing HORSE. NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The NAZGUL rides on. PIPPIN: I wonder what that was. MERRY: You really don’t want to know. The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL EDITION HERE" EXTERIOR FARMLAND MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR) Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to hear the words ‘clean lifts’ before. According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders, a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight. SAM But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out? PIPPIN Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy. MERRY Well it worked well in the book. FRODO Also, we didn’t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest. Where should we make for? PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ‘A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and Associated Areas) Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ‘The Prancing Pony’, with doors facing westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper." MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR) Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I’m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again." They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward. EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words ‘RAMADA INN’) SAM Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony. They Enter. INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN. BARLIMAN Hi, I’m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don’t. Would you like some beer while I try to remember? PIPPIN Great, I’m parched! FRODO Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer. PIPPIN Ahhh, but this is New Zealand! Pippin turns to Barliman. PIPPIN We’ll all have beers. They do. MERRY and PIPPIN get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. SAM eats an enormously long sandwich. FRODO sees STRIDER. STRIDER is wearing a tattered black cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword, and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat. STRIDER Oh, like, I’m called Strider. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be. FRODO I’m.. Fr.. I’m mean Mr. Underhill. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be, either. STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin) Dude, if I were you I’d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are queer folk about. SAM I resent that remark! MERRY But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn’t have possibly fallen into the abyss! BREELANDER EXTRA #1 Ahh, but they don’t have to be functional wings! STRIDER Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot! FRODO takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and turns and looks at where Frodo last was. STRIDER hits his forehead with his palm. STRIDER Doh! FRODO takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider. FRODO Did that work? STRIDER In a manner of speaking. Six ORCS, five evil looking VILLAINS, four TROLLS, three NAZGUL, two NAZI SS, and CHRISTOPHER LEE get up and leave the bar. STRIDER is left with only the HOBBITS. STRIDER Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine. Everyone pauses with baited breath. DRAMATIC MUSIC plays. STRIDER I’m the male romantic lead. SAM That depends on your point of view. FRODO Really. Why should we take your word for this? STRIDER Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren’t I? Nevermind, I’m the best that they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live with it. I’m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don’t you take me along. SAM I don’t see why we need him, Mr. Frodo. BARLIMAN (comes up with an envelope. ) I just remembered what I forgot. I hope Gandalf isn’t mad. FRODO opens the envelope. FRODO It’s from Gandalf. It says that we should look for a scruffy looking man with an Amish hat, a surfboard, and a broken sword. He’s the romantic lead. STRIDER Like cool, daddy-o. One Amish hat, check. One surfboard, check... SAM (interrupting) I still don’t think we need him. Can’t we do another clean lift? I think we have a pretty good thing going already, and if anything, I think we need fewer people on this journey. It would be more intim.. I mean safer that way. Besides, this guy in the straw hat doesn’t look much like Strider. Maybe he killed the real Strider and took his place. STRIDER Sam, like if I could off the real Strider, then I could off you, see? Then I could have Frodo by myself without so much talk. But, fortunately for you hep-cats, I am Aragorn son of Arathorn and if by life or death I can save you, I will! ARAGORN draws his sword. It’s broken. STRIDER And one righteously broken sword, check. Woo hoo, I am the romantic lead. FRODO Well I guess that settles it. He looks foul, but feels fair. We should just be thankful the casting department did this well. MERRY Wait a minute. Swords. We still don’t have swords. STRIDER Oh, well that’s easily amended. STRIDER goes over to a big cabinet. It is filled with LotR merchandise. He takes out four swords. STRIDER There you go, four genuine officially licensed Numenorean blades. Now we need to go to Weathertop. PIPPIN (sheathing sword) Why’s that? STRIDER So we can finally see some of these Black Riders. STRIDER and the HOBBITS get up and exit together. They mount ponies and ride off down the road. As they disappear into the distance we hear voiceovers. EXTERIOR RAMADA INN PIPPIN So what was it like being the son of a famous Numenorean like Arathorn. STRIDER Dude, it was like so rough. I don’t want to talk about it. He may sound cool in the stories, but in real life he is just a no good alcoholic that abandoned me as a child. On the plus side, it gave me this really brooding but sensitive personality that the chicks just dig. ME Next page (Page 2)

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