A balrog flew hard to the shire
And burnt all the hobbits with fire
with whip and his sword
And orcs in the horde
Their bodies were lit in a pyre
Limerick by Troy Walden on Ringbearer.org
There was an old man in the woods
Who prayed on poor hobbits in hoods
Till ole Tom he came
To save them from maim
The willow will not have the goods
From the Old Forest he came
To sing rain in the Rain
Out from the door
To squeeze a Bree whore
Limerick by intergalacticacid on Ringbearer.org
There was an ambitious lad named Peter
Who made the Lord of the Rings a Hollywood feature
In reworking the script
And omitting few bits
He diluted the book's magic by the litre.
Old Peter had some strange choice in casting
With Keanu Reeves doing most of the narrating.
The fans were enraged
And Tolkien near rose from the grave,
When Elvis provided the soundtrack to "Return of the King".
| Limerick by RideroftheMark and Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org
After 3 1/2 hours of continuous postings I give you the LOTR Book1 Limerick with apologies to JRRT, his estate, and anyone who has ever read the LOTR
RideroftheMark wrote:
Dunadan Companion wrote:
There once was an elf girl named Mary
Who's legs were so long it was scary
To Elrond she said "they hang out of my bed"
He answered "at least there not hairy"
Mary became Elronds GirlFriend
All their time together they did spend
Til one day said Mary "I used to be Larry"
And Elrond took off for BagEnd
To Bilbo he said "I was shocked
to think my maiden once cocked"
Bilbo laughed loud as he pulled back his shroud
Then Elrond his knees they just knocked
Bilbo offered Elrond his ring
Elrond shuddered and refused the thing.
Its just too much Power, "Man, do I need a shower"
Bilbo lent Elrond his plumbing
While Elrond was washing his sack
Bilbo said "can I wash your back"
Elrond slip on the soap and fell down like a dope
and Bilbo said "MMMMM nice crack"
While Bilbo was enjoying the view
In walked Frodo, his favrite nephew
Frodo cried "who's that?", in bilbo's face he then spat
Poor Bilbo felt quite torn in two
Frodo ran to see Sam
He said my life is a sham
Then Sam he said with cock of his head
I could be your cute little lamb
Sam said to Frodo "let's leave"
And take something of his that he'll grieve
"lets take his ring, he loves that old thing"
They got off scot free, they believe
They ran into Merry and Pip in
Who had been living in sin
they said we'll come with you too
we would love to travel with you
Who knows the shit we could get in
like horseshit, they hit the trail
Frodo also grabbed Bilbo's Mail
"I have nothing to fear,
from an arrow or spear"
but inside it he felt all to frail
They ran into old Tom Bom B
He saved there ass from a tree
He did up some Math said I have enough tubs fot a bath
and Id like to take a peek at your bummies
They quickly got the hell out of there
And headed for Bree, on a tear
"we'll stop at the Inn, before we get too thin"
and think up a song we can share
Frodo jump up on the bench
his sang like a a rusted old wrench
The locals they liked it,but his drink they had
spiked it
and he fell on his ass like a wench
Then Strider appeared looking foul
Smoking his pipe there under his cowl
"you've done it now friend, this isnt BagEnd"
as they heard the Black Rider Howl
They went back to old Frodo's room
They sat in the dark and the gloom
I dont trust him said Sam, He looks like a sham
I bet he's black as an old barrow tomb
In came old 'bur with the mail
the sending of which he did fail
"looking foul?,feeling fair?", hey whose that over there?
Aragorn to lead you on the trail
They hit the ground at a run
wheather top for frollick and fun
The damn riders came, what a cryin shame
and Frodo got stabbed in the buns
Aragorn went in search of some weed
Frodo's injury had created the need
He was off in a flash, to replenish his stash
And returned with amazing speed
After he toked for a bit
he looked up and said holly shit
I smoked all this weed while my bud was in need
then he fixed his poor butt lickedy splitt
They hurried along on their course
Heading toward the Bruinen source
Along came Glorfin',(but he looked like Arwen)
and put Frodo up on his or her horse
Frodo rode to the side like a girl
The pain it had made his toes curl
for his butt it still wicked hurt. HOW BOUT MAIL
UNDIES NOT SHIRT!
I must talk to my tailor named Earl
He rode to the Ford without fail
A Rider was hot on his tail
He put on the Ring, Got a look at His thing
and into the river he sailed
Then he rode to the other side
wipped out his sword with great pride
mumbled some ancient word, scared the riders like turd
the riders the water they spied
Glorfindel opened his robe with a flash
The riders fled into the water, Splash
The waters did rise, with boulders of size
And came down on their heads with a crash
The riders they ran for the hills
The water the horses it killed
Frodo said they'll be back, then hit the ground like a sack
what a shame his sambuca he spilled
Frodo awoke "what the hell?"
He was safe in Rivendell
With him wasn't an elf, but Gandalf himself
"for a fool, you've done actually quite well"
Done quite well what the hell do you mean?
Im running from that old freakin queen
I stole all of his things, Ouch my butt it still stings.
Im feeling quite haggard and lean.
"Theres someone I'd like you to meet"
She's been lying for days at your feet
Her name it is Mary, See her legs, they're not hairy
Her voice is quite low, but so sweet
He said you look like my old friend named Larry
His legs where long too but all hairy
She shook her head and said faken , you must be mistaken
The old fart just said my names Mary
Just then Elrond came into the room
Seeing Mary, his face turned to gloom
He remembered the sights, Now unforgetable nights
that he spent at her Crack of Doom
Fromm the room he started retreatin
said come on guys lets go have a meetin
Frodo sat up with a start, and out slipped a fart
For his butt hole was all stretced the creatin
| Limerick by RideroftheMark at Ringbearer.org
There once was a dwarf named Gimli
Who's wife was as short as a chimney
He tried a rack to stretch her
But when he went to fetch her
She said lets try that rack on your thingie
| Limerick by Pooh Bear at Ringbearer.org
There once was a rider from Rohan
Who referred to his penis as Johanne
He married a hobbit
Whose last name was BOBBIT*
and now little Johanne is sown on.
*For those of you unfamiliar with the story:
John Wayne BOBBIT is famous for having his penis cut off
by his wife while he was sleeping. She took off in her car
(penis still in hand) and threw the severed organ out of
the window. The police were able to recover the thingy and
a skilled surgeon sewed it back on. John Wayne BOBBIT went
on to make a Porno film which I have not had the
displeasure of seeing
| Limerick by Gangi at Ringbearer.org
There once was a beast they called Balrog
Whose crap was the size of a bullfrog
He'd flap his RED WINGS
on a toilet of KINGS
It took legions of orcs just to unclog.
| Limerick by Legolamb at Ringbearer.org
Balrog Limerick
You know Balrogs, they don't got no wings
But they do got pretty big things
One gave a loud shout as he whipped his out
And with it slapped Gandalf all about
| Limerick by Tolman Gamgee at Ringbearer.org
There will be an elf-lad named Leg'las
Whose color of hair will soon plague us
And try as he will
Poor PJ will still
Never be able to sate us
| Limerick by Galadreil_Finarfin at Ringbearer.org
There is a man called Bombadil
He lives in a house up upon the hill
Below a mountain, above a rolling river wide
with Goldberry, his dear sweet bride
They quietly observe those lost in the woods
And might intervene if their souls prove good
His enemies forgot him, and it was their demise
Once, twice I hope not...that the producers will decide
| Limerick by GM at Ringbearer.org
There once came a man to the Shire.
Who asked for a burlar to hire.
Twelve dwarves followed suit
with Thorin Oakenshield to boot.
Until Bilbo came along sans briar.
| Limerick by Meena1 at Ringbearer.org
There once was a hobbit named Sam
Who ate nothing but taters and Spam
| Limerick by GM at Ringbearer.org
[continuing the above limerick]
But Rose Cotton complained.
"What an odor!" She exlaimed.
So Sam switched to white bread and jam.
| Limerick by Weathertop at Ringbearer.org
There once was a hobbit in Bree
Who drank until he couldn't see.
He sang and we cheered,
and then he disappeared.
It's assumed he slipped out for a pee.
| Limerick by Tinuviel at Ringbearer.org
A hungry young tween from the Shire
Of beans one day wouldn't tire;
But a powerful fart
Blew him right off the chart
and he flew to the Mountain of Fire...
| Limerick by Angela at Ringbearer.org
There once was a hobbit named Sam
Who loved to cook rabbit and Spam
But his skills are far greater --
With mallorn and tater
-- and telling that Smeagol to scram!
I once met a Hobbit named Merry
Who killed an old Witch-King named Jerry
When I asked the young rob
To look back on the job,
He replied, "His breath was the moment most scary"
There was a young Elf-Queen named Gladdy
Who had quite an eye for a laddie
When asked who she'd pick
for an interlude quick,
she said, "Me, I'd take the whole caddy!"
| Limerick by Fingolfin at Ringbearer.org
Two wizards they sat in a tower
Spoke more of the ring for an hour
then Gandalf he cried, while Grima he spied
"Sauraman! you'll not have the power!!!"
| Limerick by vadryn at Ringbearer.org
Frodo, he came from the Shire
He pulled a cold ring from the fire
Gollum wanted his head
Ate his finger instead
Then proceeded to quickly expire
| | Limerick by Melian at Ringbearer.org
|
In Middle Earth there once was a hobbit
Thank goodness named Baggins -- not Bobbitt
Else something more precioussss might Frodo have lost
Than some old finger into the Fire tossed
If Gollum's aim had been wayyyyy too low when the ring he rob-bed
| Limerick by Nob the Elder at Ringbearer.org
There was a young Dwarf from Dale
Who dressed head to toe in chain mail.
But he'd never disrobe
Not even to probe
Those cold links sure made his wife wail!
or maybe instead (for 3 and 4):
Which he'd never take off
Not even to boff
??
Oh, nevermind!
| Limerick by Hama at Ringbearer.org
There once was an elf from the woods,
Who was slapped on the head by a troll.
When they asked "Did it hurt?"
He replied "Not a bit!"
"It can do it again if it likes."
| Limerick by Whistler at Ringbearer.org
Enthroned in his Heavenly dwelling,
An Oxford professor is yelling:
"These message board dorks
Are the spawn of the orcs!
A curse on their grammar and spelling!"
...
Director P. J. (at the pillory)
Announced (as he dodged the artillery):
"Relax! It's a myth
That I'm signing Will Smith,
But Galadriel's perfect for Hillary!"
| Limerick by RosieLass at Ringbearer.org
A dude with a Sword-that-was-Broken
Thought some elf-chick named Arwen was smokin'.
But she couldn't be had,
Said her fuddy old dad,
Till Strider could prove he weren't jokin'.
| Limerick by lagill at Ringbearer.org
He sings all day, laughs all night
though all of Middle Earth be in plight
Tom will not fret his head
for he has Goldberri in bed
and four dumb hobbits to set things right
| | Limerick by Thegreyman at Ringbearer.org
|
Gandalf road in with his staff
And pulled on his pud for a laugh
The hobbits they stared
And ole gaffer he glared
"that perverted old man needs a bath!"
I saw a blackrider in trees
sqwating to squeeze him some cheese
he farted and stank
and the cold air was dank
and it hit me adrift on the breeze.
Two hobbits together they ran
To Morder they ventured by land
with pants down his knees, sam rode him with ease
"oh Frodo you ARE a big man!!!!"
| | Limerick by archer (for LOTR movie) at Ringbearer.org
|
Arwen’s beau was a classic go-getter
And he walked the hard road just to bed her
Though he did as he’d said
She liked bad boys instead
And rode off, straight away
Hell for leather
| | Limericks by Dunadan Companion at Ringbearer.org
|
(for LOTR movie)
In the book there's Elf Maiden Arwen
In the film she'll evolve (ala Darwin)
ignoring John Tolkien
sees Sword that is Broken
says "bring it here, I'll fix it, darlin"
There once was a wizard named Gandalf
Involved in a much ballyhooed standoff
He stood toe to toe
With the Balrog, you know
Whose wings he couldn't keep hands off
there once was a prof named JR
who wrote about Hobbits from the shire
and Elves Dwarves and Ents
and Gondorian gents
and the ring that went baack to the fire
| | Limerick by Olorin at Ringbearer.org
|
There once was a Hobbit from the Shire
Who was called a thief and a liar
By an old ugly thing
who wanted back his ring
But he tripped and fell in the fire
| | Limerick by Tolman Gamgee at Ringbearer.org
|
My apopologies in advance ;-)
There was an old elf-maid named Arwen
Who went searching the woods for her darlin.
Instead she found Strider,
He said he would ride her,
So she left her dear dad and then Aman.
| | Limerick by Imrahil at Ringbearer.org
|
There once was a man who became King
With help from a hobbit with a Ring
He went with an elf named Legolas
And a dwarf who cut orc's heads off. (Don't say a word!)
Samwise went too with his master
And Pippin and Merry grew faster
The Ents who helped them grow
Also let Saruman go
And after his quest
Frodo went West
So Bilbo could finally rest
Imrahil was happy in his town
Until Aragorn the stold Gondor's crown
So in the Fourth Age
He killed him with rage
And he ruled the land
with a kind hand
Until his son took over
I apologize now. Please, if you are sensitive, don't read on.
Merry was Brandybuck
He liked a randy f*ck
He got it on with an ent
And his thingy got bent
So even with the draught
It all went for naught
Because of that tree
Even Frodo was bigger then he.
--Imrahil (Again, I'm sorry.)
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The Mouth of Sauron