Moria Mining Co., Help Wanted! Posted by Mr Fantasimile on Ringbearer.org

Looking for fortune and high adventure? Look no further than the dark endless caverns of Moria! Moria, home of endless jewels, gold, and of course Mithril! Apply today, many positions are open for miners, foreman, Balrog fodder--oh, strike that last one! Call 1-800-SUICIDE! Disclaimer:Moria Mining Co. will not be responsible for the loss of personal property, such as clothing, limbs, lives, and souls.

MHelp Wanted: Nine Positions open Posted by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org

Good pay; free jewerly, horses, and personal aviation device. A uniform is requiered, and you must sign a LOOOOOONG term contract. If interest see M-of-S or apply at the Barad-dur, 666 Mordor Lane, or call 1-800-iamevil. --Imrahil, Lord of the Rings

Questions by Dunadan Companion and Answers by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org I have a few questions before I sign my life away (so to speak heh heh). What about health insurance? I see you provide horses which means hay, which means my hayfever may be a problem. Does your health plan cover prescriptions? Actually, the problems never come up. But health plan is provided for a certain period of tme, depending on certain criteria, and after that, most of our employees' health problems fade away. Do you carry Workmen's Comp ? In case I fall off my horse and injure myself. If you are injured in any shape or form, you will have one months paid vacation until things shape up. Will I have to be bonded? If wearing joolry is required, there is always a risk of loss. Ater the manditory Ring Wearing period, if you are concerned, you can give your jewelry back to the company headquarters for safe keeping. Who pays for the uniform and cleaning the uniform? I hope its not blue, blue makes me look fat. The uniform is manditory only for interaction with non-employees. When inside work is called for, you are not required to wear it. They ae black, to match our companies logo, and cleaning is not a problem. Is this a union shop? Not that I have anything against unions, but those dues can really eat into your take home pay (if you know what I mean). There is no union, but there is a strong employer-employee bond. What exactly is a Long Term contract, 2 maybe 3 months? This is the 90's you know, and jobs are plentiful. I would gladly stay longer if I liked the work but by the way , just what type of work is this anyway. If everything goes occording to plan, this job will last one age, two at max. As an employee of Sauron Enterprises, you ill be asked to preform certain reposesion as well as overseeeing take-over bids. Thanks in advance for answering my questions, I look forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, driven crazy 321 Basta Road Udonwannano, Idano USA

The War of The Wings Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

"Yes, that's wight, the war of the wings continues, with Wohan huwwying to the aid of Gondow. And Mithwandir is weported to have secwet knowledge of the actual location of the One Wing. Howevew, Sauwon, who weally wants to gwab the One Wing, is wushing his wegiments into position...." -- Late newscast from Osgiliath -- March 13, 3019

Muppet News Flash on the Balrog Conflict! Posted by Angela on Ringbearer.org

MUPPET NEWS FLASH MUSIC UP: KERMIT: Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here, with a Muppet News Flash on that nasty Balrog Wings North Sesame Street situation. I'm here now with an exclusive interview with Ralph Bakshi. Mr. Bakshi, what's happening here? BAKSHI: It seems that the No-Flys and the Velcros got into a nasssssty tiff. It was horrible, horrrible preciousss, rubber wings, velcro wings, wings wingses everywhere, yes precious. TELLY MONSTER comes up, dressed as EOWYN TELLY: Hoo-Hoo! Too awful! Then the worst oh, the WORST happened - those No-Flys started leaping into chasms where they sank like stones! BAKSHI: Yeah, laughing maniacally all the way down, precioussss. KERMIT: What can you tell us about the gang war we're apparently witnessing? Let's hear from someone new. Mr. Jackson? JACKSON: Oh, sorry old chap. My lawyers won't let me comment. DELUCA comes up. KERMIT: Mr. Deluca, sir, would you like to say a few words? DELUCA: Wings? Wings? We don't need no stinkin' wings. Wanders off, humming "I Got No Strings..." GROVER dressed as a rampaging No-Fly Balrog tears into the picture. TELLY MONSTER SCREAMS and soils himself. GROVER: Aghghghghhgghghgh! Oops, Telly baby, so sorry so sorry about that, was that suit expensive? KERMIT: Here we have Sesame Street Balrog expert Grover on the scene. Grover, what can you tell us about the current furor over Balrog wings? GROVER: What's a furor? We don't hold with that Nazi stuff. Tolkien wasn't a racist and I'll fight anyone who says he was, you green-faced little... KERMIT: Ahem. Calm down, Grover, calm down. So it seems most of Sesame Street is against this whole wing issue? TELLY: Oh, no, we're a peaceloving bunch. We vote for Velcro. Velcro. It's a wonderful fashion statement, is available in a wonderful cornucopia of colors, and is light enough to travel anywhere. KERMIT: Well bless my socks, would you listen to that. I think that's as good an answer as you're going to get!! Ladies and gentlemen, this is Kermit the Frog saying, Hi-ho, good night. (aside) Telly, go change your armor... GROVER: MWAH HA HA HA HA!

We Interrupt this messageboard with an update... Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

Our crack news team boarded the News10 Eye-in-the-Sky Helicopter shortly after this story broke. They were over the BALROG's FLY leaders house under siege when their signal abruptly ended. Their transmission ended with: "The area surrounding the house looks like a battlefield, we are attempting to get in closer to What was that? Something just passed by us up here at 2300 feet. It was dark and it's wings were spread out into the darkness. Its coming at us ... Shortly afterward the Helicopter crashed directly onto the WAFG group on the ground . We have only scattered reports from the scene. Observers on the ground saw a winged creature. Eyewitness reports said it looked like a bat, only much larger. "If that was a bat it was the largest bat I've ever seen" said a surviving member of the WAFG contigent on the ground. More news as it is available.

Hostilities rising in the 'Balrog wings' conflict Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

Early Monday afternoon, a bus was bombed on the Great East Road. The bombers are believed to be members of the Balrogs Fly contingent, a band of gung-ho terrorists who will stop at nothing to annihilate the more conservative Wings Are For Geeks militia. At a recent interview, the leader of the Balrogs Fly faction commented: "'The Book of Lost Tales' clearly states that Balrogs fly with winged speed! So there! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" This terrorist leader had his house vandalized the next morning. An unknown individual had spray-painted on his door: "The Book of Lost Tales is an archaic, pre-Silmarillion apocryphal bunch of baloney, you _______!" During a recent interview with the leader of the WAFG militia, that leader began filing his fingernails on his dagger, while expressing the beliefs of his faction. "Balrogs are more shadow than reality. They have no wings. They need no wings. If they had wings, they would have flown out of the abyss in FOTR!" He then plunged his dagger hilt-deep into the interviewer's camera. "So THERE!" Unbeknownst to us, in the very hour of that interview, a WAFG member, dressed in the bandana-and-fatigues uniform most often adopted among the Balrogs Fly fanatics, climbed to the top of Tolkien Scholarship Tower (thirty-four stories high) and donned a pair of black rubber wings. Eye-witnesses report that the anti-wings militiaman leaped headlong into the open air while screaming out: "Wings Are For Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!" The black rubber wings did not avail the unfortunate WAFG member. That was evidently his point. A representative of the more conservative Velcro Wings Party gave a speech at the House of Elves two hours later. "This type of fanaticism is exactly what we wish to avoid," he told the party members. "Far be it for us to infringe on anyone's point of view. Velcro Wings is the way to go! Let the Balrogs wear wings when they feel like it, and go without when they don't." As a side note, the Velcro Wings Party has recently signed a deal with the Tolkien Miniatures Company, for the manufacturing of a new line of Balrog Toys, complete with detachable velcro wings. Balrog sales are expected to reach an all-time high with the appearance of these new action figures, surpassing even the Furbies and the Teletubbies as the #1 Kid's Toy for the 90s. <<<<<< We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a new newsflash. The WAFG are up in arms. They have surrounded the house of the leader of the Balrogs Fly contingent, carrying banners that boldly proclaim: "Down with the wings! Down with the wings! Into the abyss, thou spawn of Melkor!" while chanting aloud: "Death! Death! Death! Death! Death to the heretics! Death to the apostates! Death to the revisionist who dare put wings on Balrogs! Death! Death! Death!" The Balrogs Fly leader is presently engaged in hurling Molotov cocktails out his living room window. Ah, our sources report that the Balrogs Fly terrorists are on the way to the rescue. They have hijacked a police car, a station wagon, a Mercedes, and a jeep, and are literally bristling with machine guns and hand grenades. The situation could get bloody. The authorities are aware of the tumult, and police forces are moving to respond, but whether they will be able to move in time remains to be seen. We can only hope and pray. Yes, we may well be looking at the culmination of the Balrog Wings conflict. Guthlaf's Note: There is, of course, absolutely no political commentary anywhere in this missive.

From the M-E Tabloid The Daily Scroll Posted by Hama on Ringbearer.org

THE DAILY SCROLL. GANDALF DAMAGES CASE CONTINUES. Dogroth, Balrog of Morgoth and current resident of Moria suffered a set back in his claim for damages against Gandalf the wizard today. Dogroth had successfully proved that Gandalf wilfully brought down the ceiling of the Chamber of Mazarbul, thus causing considerable damage to the property. He was also close to proving that Gandalf had deliberately wrecked the endless stair, by throwing Dogroth down them. Dogroths lawyers, Ugnash, Ugnash and Krondheim, had also succeeded in depicting Gandalf as a loose cannon, showing that he had participated in a number of wars and that he had been instrumental in many of them. Then Gandalfs lawyers, Lorien, Orome and Spadgewick sprang their surprise witness. Dain, king under the mountain, claimed that Dogroth had no right to claim ownership of Moria because he had stolen the property from Durin, an ancestor of Dains. The Gandalf camp were delighted by this testimony until, amidst the ensuing uproar, Dain dropped his bombshell. He was now, in turn, sueing Gandalf for the damage to Moria. All in all, this has not been a good day for the former Maiar. HOBBITS EATEN BY TREE! It has been reported that a Mr Peregrin Took and Mr Meriadoc Brandybuck, residents of the shire, were yesterday almost eaten by a large willow in the old forest. It seems that they were only rescued after their companions, Mr Frodo Baggins and Mr Sam Gamgee, appealed for help from Tom Bombadil, who owns a property next to the forest. When asked to confirm this story, Mr Bombadil reponded, 'Hey dol, merry dol, Tom Bombadillo!' On further questioning all Mr Bombadil would say was 'Bright blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!' It subsequently took five shirrifs to escort Mr Bombadil to the lockholes where he is currently said to be ‘sleeping it off.’ Neither Mr Took nor Mr Brandybuck were available for comment. VALINOR REFUGEE PROBLEM. There were problems on the borders of Valinor this morning when more exiles turned up than usual, precipitating a crisis in customs. Fleeing the troubles in Middle Earth, many are claiming political asylum, though a few among the permanent residents claim they are economic refugees. One exile was even found to be illegally smuggling a mortal into the blessed realm. Her protests about the line of Luthien notwithstanding, Arwen Undomiel and her pet mortal Aragorn, were deported on the very next ship. Ingwe, high king of the Vanyar was quoted as saying: 'Look! The bottom has dropped out of the ring market and after the Beleriand crash, land has been at a premium. Valinor is only so big. We do not have unlimited resources here.' On the other hand, Haldir, a silvan elf recently arrived had this to say: 'Those blonde haired wussies have been sitting over here since time began, and all they have ever done is complain about the rest of us. Well, its time they woke up and smelt the lembas. So what if we didn’t come when Orome offered the big come hither. Would you blindly follow just any old horseman who claims to be a Valar? I wouldn’t. Anyway we are here now, so those Vanyar can like it or lump it.' SHAGRAT WINS SWEEPSTAKE! IT’S A FIX, CLAIM OTHERS. The Captain of Cirith Ungol, Shagrat, has controversially won the Shelob sweepstakes, with a prize reputed to be in excess of the value of the shire. It seems that sneaky old Shagrat was the only one to bet that Ufthak would not be eaten by Shelob, and that she would forget about him entirely. Everyone else bet that it would take anything from 1 to 5 days for Shelob to consume the hapless orc. But it wasn’t to be. In an unusual turn of events, Shelob entirely forgot about Ufthak, an event that may result in a stewards inquiry. Certainly Gorbag of Minas Morgul was less than happy about it. 'I’m gutted!' He said. 'I demand an inquiry. Shelob should be tested for drugs. Has anyone ever seen her pass up on lunch? This whole things a farce. Shagrat’s a dunghill rat!' Shagrat, meanwhile, has decided to retire. 'I’m going to retire.' He told our reporter. 'Take a few trusty lads and buy up a little estate somewhere, nothing too big. I’m currently looking at Mirkwood.' THE RING-PLAN, A NEW DIET THAT REALLY WORKS! Specialists in dietary studies found a new way to lose those extra inches today. It seems the best method is to get hold of one of the rings of power. Just put that ring on and the weight falls away. It’s not an instant cure, though, it does take time, but the overall effect is astonishing. We asked Mr Smeagol, a beneficiary of the diet to comment. 'Yesss, Precioussss, it workss, it doess. Lossst weight he hasss, yessss. Poor Smeagol. Hungry, we are, yessss, famisshed.' The promoters of this diet claim there are absolutely no bad side effects. Using the ring-plan guarantees weight loss and a longer life, though they have studiously ignored complaints about intolerance to light, split personality and a desire for world conquest. Further inside your DAILY SCROLL! Page 2: EAGLES SIGHTED! TWITCHERS DESCEND ON ESGAROTH. Page 3: GLAMOROUS GRAN GALADRIEL REVEALS HOW SHE KEEPS HUBBY CELEBORN HAPPY. Page 4: IT’S A DOGS LIFE. HUAN COMMENTS. Page 5: HALBARAD MOVE FROM RIVENDELL RANGERS TO AMROTH ATHLETIC FALLS THROUGH. #######################################################################################

Racist Trumpeter on The Loose! Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

The authorities are currently searching for Boromir the barbarian, who is wanted in Rivendell and Rohan for disturbing the peace. At Rivendell, he is reported to have blown several loud blasts with his horn once each morning of his stay, and also at midnight. Elrond, suffering from an acute case of insomnia, rebuked him for this behaviour publicly. Boromir responded with a long-winded list of derogatory and even racist remarks, calling the elves of Rivendell "half-wits with funny ears" and referring to Gandalf (Elrond's guest) as "that grumpy old wizard" whose task it was to babysit "those stunted halflings." Shortly afterward, Boromir eluded the furious elves and hurried south. At the falls of Rauros he blew his clarion once again. In distant Minas Tirith, Denethor, steward of the City, heard the call and surmised instantly that Boromir was once again returning to his realm. Denethor's servants later found him dead in his chambers, apparently of shock. Meanwhile, our sources report that Boromir has also been seen in Lothlorien, where he called Galadriel "witch, seductress, weaver of webs" and many other names not half so nice, and also at the footsteps of the Emyn Muil, where he was heard raving about a magic ring--apparently victim to a temporary onset of dementia. We have heard no further reports.

WANTED - Mental Hospital Escapee Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

Shire officials reported yesterday that a psychotic escaped from the Michel Delving Hospital for the Mentally Ill. The man is six feet tall, disfigured, and wears a black cape and cowl to hide his features. He was last seen near Bywater, on horseback; locals are advised to take caution and avoid approaching this man if they see him. The psychotic suffers from severe asthma and speaks in a rasping voice. He is known to have a fixation on older hobbit families, including the Tooks, the Baggins, and the Boffins. Be on the lookout; the fugitive may be armed. Further reports will follow at 10:00.

Mordor Times - Help Wanted Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

I wonder if it has anything to do with this Classified Ad in last Sunday's Mordor Times WANTED: mental hospital inmate needed. Immediate opening Must be at least six ft tall, ugly (disfigured okay). Employee to provide own uniform: Black cape (cowl optional)and transportation. Steady Employment, Growing enterprise. Contact Mr Ferny, Bree or Send resume to MT box 1

Rampant tree-hugger hugs orcs to death... Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

Seven orcs have been murdered today in Fangorn forest. Reports from eye-witnesses indicate that the murders were committed by an unknown man or woman dressed in a phony tree costume. The authorities suppose that the perpetrator may be a member of the Laurelindorean Society for the Preservation of Old-Growth Forests (known to some as the Tree-Huggers Club), a member who has apparently taken exception to Isengard's ruthless environmental exploitation. When questioned about the incident, Saruman released this statement: "These radical environmentalists will not be tolerated. Why should they be permitted to stand in the way of progress? A new age is dawning! A new era is at hand. The old things are weak, and not worth preserving, even if we could. I do intend to press charges against these tree-huggers." On a final note, the following message was found scrawled in pine resin on the gates of Isengard early this morning: "Saruman, beware! We come, we come, with tramp of doom!" Further reports will follow.

Mordor Times - Our Beloved Leader Assassinated Posted by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org

March 25 It is a day of greiving in our country. Our beloved leader is dead. From Udun to Nurn, the masses are in shock today. The most powerful maia in Middle-Earth is dead after any earthquake measuring 9.7 on the richter scale destroyed his home. The earthquake has been linked to two hobbits who were on the scene moments before the quake struck. Our brave Ringwraiths attempted to apprehend the suspects, but they were given assilum in the the Kingdom of Gondor, whose army had come to invade Mordor the previous day. Related news: March 15 THE WITCH-KING FALLS IN DEFENCE OF MORDOR. As the armies of Gondor approached the contested land of Ithilien, the Lord of the Nazgul took the field to defend us. In the defence of Osgiliath, the beloved leader of the Ringwraiths was killed, and the city lost. A memorial will be held Thursday, with leaders from Rhun to Khand attending.

Sauron sues Baggins over lost ring Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

Earlier today Sauron, executor of the Mordor Estate, sued Frodo Baggins for theft, vandalism, and willful destruction of property. Sauron claims Baggins willfully retained a ring belonging to himself and later incinerated it in an active volcano. Baggins, with Mithrandir acting as attorney, denies the theft charges and has invoked the statute of limitations, claiming that the Mordor Estate cannot accuse him of a crime committed three thousand years before (namely, the theft of the Ring). Experts expect this case to go to trial rather quickly, and a large number of witnesses are anticipated, including Aragorn (whose involvement in the events is uncertain), Galadriel, and Gimli (the same dwarf renowned for last year's mass murder trial over the famed Helm's Deep slaughter). Mithrandir has this comment for the press: "The Dark Lord mislaid his Ring at the beginning of the Age. Baggins' involvement in the affair is entirely coincidental, and the volcano incident is a regrettable but innocent accident. We hope that Mandos will sort the facts quickly and equitably, and acquit my client of these unjust accusations." We at the Middle Earth Gazette can only conclude that although Sauron's loss is considerable, Mithrandir's words bear the ring of truth.

Fireworks Catastrophe At Bag End (see more) Posted by Angela on Ringbearer.org

FIREWORKS CATASTROPHE & MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE AT BAG END! Baggins Disappears; Hundreds Prostrate Bag End, Hobbiton. It seems several attendees of Mr. Bilbo Baggins' notorious annual Birthday Celebration received the surprise of their lives yesterday evening, when the celebration not only included the shocks of a violent display of fireworks by the mysterious Gandalf, but also the mysterious disappearance of Hobbitons' most famous resident, Baggins himself. The evening began with Mr. Gandalf's fireworks, the mysterious wizard's pyrotechnics causing anxiety and panic attacks in many of Hobbiton's older residents (and those few who had not seen fit to attend the party). The display not only included battles, snakes, and flowers, but also an exceedingly large and ill-mannered dragon. Sure that the end of the world was near, many residents took themselves immediately to the nearest pub to end their days in comfort. The fireworks were followed by what all agree was the best part of the evening -- food and drink in plenty, and of the highest quality. Mr. Baggins closed proceedings by disappearing unexpectedly, however. A flash was seen, followed by a large bang, but despite many apologies from Baggins' nephew Frodo Baggins, it was evident that many hobbits were insulted and put out by the display. "He was behind on his Hobbiton Power & Light bill," sniffed Ted Sandyman. "Everyone knows he was having troubles. This is just his way of trying to avoid a scandal." The celebration itself received mixed reviews, and local society columnist Lobelia Sackville-Baggins and husband Otho departed the gathering early, upon hearing that they had been chosen merely to represent a total of "one gross" (an inelegant and regrettable term used by Baggins which offended many of The Shire's Old School hobbits who shy from using the expression). Said Sackville-Baggins, "Bilbo Baggins can kiss my (deleted) behind." Following treatment for minor burns, heat stroke, delayed shock, and the aftereffects of overeating and alcohol poisoning, all injured hobbits were sent home to recuperate in comfort. The entire Proudfoot clan remains in stable condition following an explained Springle-Ring accident, and is expected to be discharged tomorrow. Stay tuned for further details. For more information, call (800) SAC-KVIL.

Confusion in court : Sauron attacks Celebrimbor Posted by Soc on Ringbearer.org

There was some unrest in state court today morning.During the trial of the well-known claim of the Three Rings by Sauron, Celebrimbor`s attorney insisted that not only the Three Rings should not be handed over to Sauron, but also that he must surrender his Ring to the possesion of Gil-Galad High King. At hearing this, Sauron could not restrain himself, and desguising himself as a wolf he attacked Celebrimbor, byting off his left hand.There was some destoretion before everything could be brought to order once more. Celebrimbor was transfered to Eregion state hospital and his health seems not to be endangered.Rumor is that a prosthetic limb will serve as his hand from now on.

New Nazgul Model Ready! Posted by Soc on Ringbearer.org

Exciting news! Our armies will no longer have to despair at the coming of the yellow light! The new and improved Nazgul prototype is finally complete! This new version of the most effective weapon of our Lord is said to contain: 1)A great burden-beast, able to transport a Nazgul fully-armed. 2)Extra room for the new sun-cloaking devise. 3)Anti-bowshot equipment(not yet perfected). 4)Greatly increased speed. 5)No trouble by floods, angry rivers, etc. 6)First 5 refuellings for free! Get tickets quickly!Fly with the Nazgul and bring terror to the white folk!Sign up now! May the Lord be with you.

Protect Hobbits' Privacy! Boycott Rings Bestseller! Posted by Christopher on Ringbearer.org

A Petition has been started by the Shire Estate to boycott and eventually ban J. R. R. Tolkien's insidious interpretation of the expatriot Baggins's remarkable memoirs, "The Red Book of Westmarch." The petition has been signed by 2 people already, and has been taken up by many interested parties. Some persons have cast doubts on the project, however, saying that the interpretation is just SO popular that hobbits may as well accept being celebrities. The Shire Estate is unwilling to sway on their position, and readers can expect more publicity from them in the future.

Umbar Wins America's Cup, Elves Contest Posted by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org

Dateline Andrast. The final day of the international yacht race: America's Cup. The team from Umbar, in 'Castamir's Pride', edged out last years champion Lindon by a full five minutes. The elves are contesting the race however, stating that their yacht, 'The Grey Ship', was knocked of course after a collision with 'Oliphant', the ship from Harad. King Eldarion has yet to make a ruling, but a scource close to the king states that he is leaning towards the Umbarians. More as this story unfolds.

Bal-X Mithril Stock Plummets-Failure of Expedition to Moria? Posted by Ainulindale on Ringbearer.org

Blue Mountain Gazette Mithril stock plummets once again as another day passes with no word from the Bal-X Moria Mithril Expedition to Moria. Now one year in operation, the expedition is, or was, led by Balin son of Fundin, one of the travelers who was present in the Battle of the Five armies, and companion of the late Thorin. Many tried to talk him out of the journey, citing the dangers of the Mines of Moria, but the expedition proceeded as planned. Friends and family members fear the worst, that is, those who didn't slam the door in our reporters faces. Deemed a Hopeless Cause from the start by many skeptics, investment advisors are assuming an attitude of I-told-you-so. We all hope for the safe return, and mithril, of the Bal-X team.

Other Headlines

Arwen-Eowyn Catfight over Some Scruffy Guy - jarnsaxa Ents storm Isengard; Saruman out on a limb - Guthlaf Microsoft Buys out Sauron - Jack

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