Middle Earth Letter to the Editor #1 Posted by ChrTh

I am writing to complain about the horrible telecommunications service provided by Bell Middle-Earth. First, I had to capture and ransack an entire city before I was able to gain for my self a telepalantir. Then, once I had acquired one, the only people I was able to reach was a power-hungry wizard who began to plot against me (!) and a demented caretaker who kept babbling about his son. Things got worse from there. First, my only communication with the power-hungry wizard was interrupted by this freakish child-looking thing. Then, once he left the view of the telepalantir, all was darkness, UNTIL a man I never expected to see WRESTED CONTROL OF THE CONNECTION! Now I was down to just one link, and the caretaker and gone from babbling to incessant whining about his (apparently now dead) son. When that connection failed, I was actually quite glad. So now I am left with a telepalantir that I was only able to acquire after much expense and loss of life, and with no one to speak with. The purpose of this letter is to announce a class-action lawsuit against Bell Middle-Earth. Those who have complaints against Bell Middle-Earth should contact my attorney, the Mouth of Sauron, at the Towers of the Teeth. Sauron Mordor, Middle-Earth

Middle Earth Editorial #12 Posted by Sauron

by Gollum Nasssty hobbitses! Nasssty! We hates 'em precious, we hates 'em. The come to our house and we KNOW what they're thinking! "Look at the mess in old Smeagol's house," they say. "Stinking filth hole," they calls it. But we know ways to spruce it up, precious. Yesss. Make it nice and cozy for entertainin' the nassssty hobbits… The towels don't look fluffy and tidy when they're on display in the bathroom, precious. The key is to fold the towel into thirds, lengthways. Flatten each fold of cloth with your handses, then fold the entire towel in half, then in half again. Do the same for your hand towelsss. They'll stow away neatly until they're needed. And when you take them out, they'll hang beautifully or stack in a neat pile. A nice surprise for our visitors, precious. Sometimes we'll open the closet to find that moths have dined on Smeagol's nice jackets, sweaters, or shirts. Mothballs are an effective way to prevent damage in advance, but their stench burns us! Aaaaaach! It burns our nose and eyes it does! But you can find herbs in any nassty hobbit garden, such as lavender, tansy, and wormwood. They not only are sweet-smelling but they keep the moths away, my preciousl. Sew these herbs in a sachet to put in closetses or drawers; organza sachets are easy to sew together and make a good, practical gift for the nasssty cruel hobbitses. Hobbits need to eat. Nassssty hobbits ruin good fish by burnin' it in cursed orange flame (it burns me precious, sniff sniff). Best to serve the burnt food on hot dishes. Helps keep the food nice and warm it does. Try runnin hot water over a dish before you use it, and dry it quick. Keeps plates warm, keeps hobbits food hot . Yessssss, precious. Hobbitses won't appreciate what Smeagol does for them. Never say thank you or good work. Always should have something nice to give the hobbits when they leave. It gives us a good name it does. In our opinion, some of the nicest gifts for giving fat little hobbitses are jars of homemade jams and jellies. Dress up the jar tops with rounds of fabric. For a pattern, use a bowl or a plate about two-inches wider than the jar top, all around, and trace circles onto the fabric. Cut out the rounds with nasssty cold pinking shears. Drape the fabric over the jar top and secure it with a small elastic band just below the lid's rim. Then, tie the jar with a pretty ribbon or waxed string. You can also cut rounds from craft paper, tissue paper, cellophane, or even parchment paper. Decorating the jars you give is almost as much fun as making their contents, my precious! These are just some small ways to make our nassssty stinkin' filth hole a nice place to live and a nice place for hobbitses to come and visit, my precious. A few minutes a day can really make a difference.

Middle Earth Editorial #12 Posted by Sauron

Tom Bombadil is a Jerk by Erestor Why not give the ring to Bombadil? A simple and innocent question. Any sane individual's first impulse would be to put the all-important into the hands of the omnipotent. Most properly-whelped orc children wouldn't have much trouble figuring that out. And they'd just be WRONG wouldn't they? The fact of the matter is that for all his omnipotence, Tom Bombadil just can't seem to help the fact that he's a freaking jerk. To have him "miracle" some character into the fiber of his being would require that the character exist as a prerequisite, wouldn't it? You see, it turns out that Bombadil, despite his immense power, lacks a certain understanding of the fact that there is an actual WORLD, and that actual world ACTUALLY effects even him. So he'd just toss that ring aside, or forget about it, or drop it down a well to make a wish for more dendelions on the green grassy slopes of the far away hills. The admittedly all-powerful, yet nevertheless cretinous demigod would cough that treasure up to the enemy faster than a hobbit on a hot skewer... and why? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T CARE! You see, it works like this: The planet Bombadil is at the center of the universe. The sun, the moon, and all the planets and stars revolve AROUND planet Bombadil... AT planet Bombadil's convenience. If taking the ring and destroying it - thereby saving all the other planets - happens to suit planet Bombadil's course through the cosmos, great! If not... well all the other planets be damned. When Middle Earth has fallen to darkness and the Old Forest is under the final assault and the daisies in his garden and grass between his toes begin to wilt, writhe and crisp, I hope Goldberry reminds him that he might have done something to stop it instead of dancing and prancing through the woods all winter like some sort of drunken wood elf! Yeah, Bombadil. I've got your ding-dong dilly right here!

Middle Earth Editorial #11 Posted by Sauron

Good Lord, I Just Got a Real Sickening Feeling by Gwaihir the Windlord Race! Race!! Faster my Eagles! The Ringbearer is in the utmost peril! Like a bolt of lightening across the sky, snapping at the heels of the Nazgul my army streaks in a breathless race against time! The lava is closing in, the sand in the hourglass dwindles to naught! Never have any creatures of Middle Earth sped with such blinding urgency as we do now unto Mordor! Onward, Eagles! Save nothing for tomorr... Um. Oh good Lord, I just got a real sickening feeling. How many people do you figure have died since the Council of Elrond? What? Maybe 30,000 Rohirrim? Four times that many men of Gondor? A few thousand elves and dwarves? You see I'm just asking because, as my vast army of giant eagles zips pretty much unhindered across the skies of freaking Mordor, I'm wondering if maybe some of the recent to-do wasn't entirely necessary. Seems we could have saved the ringbearer all the grief and loss if we'd just flown his ass to Mount Doom months ago. Before the Nazgul got outfitted with those flying things there wouldn't really have been much to stop us, now would there? Hell, I bet I could have carried that furry-toed little half-a-man here all by myself. Here we are, drop the ring, back to Minas Tirith for tea and cake... And if he had any second thoughts about dropping it, I suppose my grip on him could have "slipped." Well, I'll keep my mouth shut on this and see if Gandalf says anything. You figure THAT genius would have thought of this after we rescued him from Saruman. Well, I for one don't plan on looking the Ringbearer directly in the eye after this. Who knows? Maybe they'll be slow enough on the uptake that it'll never occur to them? Anyway, onward!! Fly like the wind to save the Ringbearer!!!

Middle Earth Editorial #10 Posted by Sauron

Maybe some things are best left unanswered... by Pippin Maybe some things are best left unanswered... but anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm quite a curious hobbit. This has always been a matter of great consternation to Gandalf, what with me stealing a peek at the Palantir... and dropping that stone down the well in Moria. I sometimes wonder if that stone is what woke the Balrog. If so, I must say Gandalf has exercised enormous restraint with me after that ordeal! But as I was saying, I am curious! And sometimes I am curious about things that are best left unanswered, like right now. Maybe I shouldn't even ask. The images it conjures are chilling to the bone and are perhaps best left unthought of! It all began in Fangorn when Merry and I were rescued by good old Treebeard. He was going on as he does when suddenly he said something that quite caught my ear. "No Entwives," he said. The poor Ents have no ladyfolk of any kind - which is a most sad state of affairs. But this almost immediately got me to thinking of another folk I've encountered and as baffling as this is, I can honestly say, I have never seen nor heard mention of a lady dwarf! Have you? Well, if they look anything at all like the dwarven men-folk I can say I'd rather not encounter one! Stocky, with brawny, hairy arms... and... and... whiskers along their lips! Scraggely grey tickley whiskers... eww. I can just picture the bulbous noses and bushy eyebrows... wrinkley, grey, loose skin... must say it makes me rather queazy. The fact that the dwarves themselves never seem to make reference to their ladies would lead me to believe that they are unsurpassably hideous - so much so that the dwarves would just as soon not talk about them. It's like a giant bloody secret. They keep quiet and non-dwarves just don't ask! Unlike the entwives, you know that female dwarves MUST exist somewhere in this day and age. I mean good old Gimli's not so old and he must have come from somewhere, right? Ugh! The very thought of THAT process is enough to make you wretch, isn't it?! You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm sorry I asked! As usual, I've gone poking my curious little Took nose into a matter which I would have been far happier not even considering!

Middle Earth Editorial #9 Posted by Sauron

Feminisism is not the advancement of women, it is the advancement of SOME women by Arwen Okay, ladies, is anyone else out there sick of being "represented" by the so-called Feminists? This movement, which CLAIMS to speak for me, is nothing more than a narrow interest group of women who are seeking to enlist the moral, political and social support of ALL of us to achieve ends that many of us would find alarming if we stopped letting ourselves be herded around like sheep long enough to THINK about it! The systematic elimination of our traditional responsibilities is costing us our traditional PRIVELEGES as well! Take our right to be defended from danger. You get a couple of glory-seeking tomboys who want to play war (I won't name names, but I think we all know which blonde tramp - who needs to keep her eyes of my boyfriend by the way - I'm talking about here) and the next thing you know it becomes EXPECTED, it becomes an obligation. I'm sorry folks, but my strength is not in my sword arm. Arwen Evanstar wielding a weapon and clad in armor? Get real. Worse yet, the things we, as women, hold dear are denigrated and laughed at by the Feminists. Take my sewing for instance. Personally, I am damn proud of that banner I knitted for Aragorn! It is beautiful and holds a place of honor in the kingdom of Gondor, and that is an achievement of which I have a right to be PROUD. Equally grand are the mittens I sewed for him, although he never wears them. And I'm pretty sure he hates the scarf, because I always have to remind him to put it on and he wears it under his cloak. What does he expect? He said green was his favorite color. Do you think he just gets embarassed about wearing a scarf? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the Feminists. Always screaming about how a woman doesn't need a man and marriage is a form of slavery. Gee, sounds like SOMEONE didn't land a king, huh? It's like the attack on standards of beauty. Notice how many of us non-feminists are women who - shall we say - like those standards right where they are? It's what separates me from a cow like Galadriel (who needs a nose job by the way). I certainly hope if they ever do a stage play of my life that the beauty of the actress playing me is the highest consideration! Well, fortunately this movement doesn't seem to be getting very far in Middle Earth. When push came to shove, we know which half of the Minas Tirith population happily exercised their right to not fight! Still, I'd pity the men AND women of any world where this nonsense ever caught on!

Middle Earth Editorial #6 Posted by Sauron

The DREAM Fellowship by Elrond Okay, quest fans, clap these champions off. They did great. Ring destroyed, Sauron dead, Balrog dead, Saruman ousted, Rohan free, Gondor saved. Not too shabby for a team sporting four rookies. But just think how many lives would have been saved if we came at 'em with our A team! Here's a quick rundown of the Fellowship as I would have LIKED to have set it up: Running the point: Gandalf the Grey. Can't really argue with success. This guy's got it all. He can run, he can fight. Magic, wise decisions and good leadership in the field. Gandalf the Grey takes the helm. In the two spot: Tom Bombadil. Wouldn't any fellowship benefit from a little omnipotence? Plus this guy's got that nutty personality that really draws a group together down the stretch. At the high post: Aragorn. This guy's the hometown fave. He can track, survive in the wilderness. His sword ain't bad, plus he's a healer. Also, we saw that that King of Gondor thing can come in handy. Running baseline: Glorfindel. Come on, what was I thinking?? This guy spent last October chasing Nazgul all over Arnor! Can we use a guy like this? HELL yeah! Big man in the middle: Beorn the Berzerker. Anyone else remember the Battle of the Five Armies? You think it might be nice to have a guy who can turn into a giant bear? Plus you know he's got the home court advantage in the Anduin River Valley. Shooting from the Outside: Lady Galadriel. Gandalf says one ring of power is good - so why not have TWO? It also can't hurt to add a woman's touch to the proceedings. On the low post: Treebeard. Yeah, he takes a little while to get going, but talk about hand-to-hand proficiency! Plus you've got the camoflage advantage and heavy lifting. Bill the Pony can stay home for this one. First Wizard off the bench: Radagast the Brown. Are you kidding me? Put two Istari on the squad and I foresee BIG TROUBLE for Balrogs, Saruman and any Nazgul that come along. And carrying that ring: Bilbo Baggins. Yeah, the rookie made it, but just barely. I say we put the ring in the hands of the guy who carried it for 80 years without coughing it up to the forces of Mordor. Dust off that cloak, Barrel-Rider, you're going in! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The All-Middle Earth Dream Fellowship!

Middle Earth Editorial #5 Posted by Sauron

Has our force structure planning been sound? by Shagrat As a soldier, and an officer, it is naturally my first instinct to champion a well thought out and extensive military spending package to deal with the pig-filth scum-elf human-dirtslimes of the West. But lately, I am beginning to question the wisdom of our recent build-up against that rat-crap stinkhole of Gondor, and their horse-puke strawhead friends. The Evil Red Eye that burns us from the Dark Tower seems to have placed a premium on heavy infantry forces built mainly from the quickly reproducing and endurant orc breed such as myself. While this allows the Un-named One to stretch his budget considerably further, it is a "quantity over quality" policy that ultimately puts strains on our socio-economic base without guaranteeing dominance of the battlespace. For example, Mordor itself boasts virtually no shock element to its armed forces. We have relied on the blood-drinking ape-swine of Harad to provide this with their stinking grey thunder-footed filth-mounds instead of fielding a credible heavy cavalry contingent of our own. This spelled disaster on the Pellenor Fields as the great grey flea-bitten trumpet-monsters of Harad unpredictably stampeded over our troops as much as theirs, while the filthy horse-rats of the despicable grass land rode our infantry down. The same deficiencies can be seen in other elements of our force structure. Heavy infantry is forced to play a light infantry role in Ithilian, and of course the skulking dirt-coward roach-Rangers ambush them. Long range reconnaissance is left to only the 9 flying beastly-ghoul stink-witches, and they cannot cover all the ground we need covered. We simply lack the unit diversity necessary to carry out a campaign of destruction against the singing, happy-footed, sun-loving Western filth arrayed against us. Our reliance on heavy infantry has also damaged our logistical base. The cowering maggot-bitten slave-whelps of Nurnen can only turn out so much produce on their fetid barren sand fields. Furthermore, the forges of Mordor are forced to turn out lower quality arms and armaments. Every orc of the Red Eye carries nothing but a weak, black scimitar. When one embarks on a policy of building massive armies, one had best be able to keep them fed, shod and armed. In closing, I feel that a smaller combat force of varied types of specialty forces would better serve the Burning Black Hand of the Cruel Master. We could meet the scum-dog enemy with flexibility and strength while retaining a large, non-combatant support base which could keep the troops in the field fighting at peak proficiency and from which we could draw manpower reserves. It would ultimately allow us to exploit more of our worm-ridden fly-encrusted dung-eating enemy's weaknesses and slash his people from gullet to groin across a broader battlespace and with fewer time constraints.

Middle Earth Editorial #4 Posted by Sauron

I really just don't think the Wood Elves have a leg to stand on By Thorin Oakenshield I'm sorry. I've mulled this over a thousand times now, and I STILL just can't see where those Wood Elves get off claiming a part of this treasure! This is baffling the hell out of me, and I wish someone could explain it. Okay, I'm cool with the lakemen. The burgler and Balin have explained it so I see. They DID save us from the barrels and they DID outfit us for this little expedition. And I suppose it isn't insignificant that they're pretty much responsible for that dragon not coming back and devouring us, so okay - fine. I'm okay with giving them a healthy share. Probably even more than the 1/12th they asked for. I'm also open to the idea of sending some gold back Beorn and Elrond's way. They actually HELPED us. But the Elves??? Come on! Okay, forget the fact that they waylaid us and locked us up in their dungeon and would have kept us there for time out of mind if it weren't for the burgler. Assuming that we're willing to forgive them for THAT little episode, I just do not see how they have a legitimate claim on anything! They hindered us from getting to the mountain, and they didn't do anything to rid us of the dragon. All they did was show up in force after the work was done. Is there an aspect of this situation that I am somehow missing? Please, if I'm being blind to some obvious fact of justice here, point it out to me and I will shower you with thanks! Is it OKAY to show up after any fight and demand a share of the spoils just because... well, just BECAUSE? I admit, greed and good old-fashioned dwarven gold-lust overtook me when I first got here. But I've quite come to my senses now and I am still forced to conclude that any school child would have to question this preposterous claim to our gold. Now of course, there will be those who think I'm some old miser who can't share and share alike. Well that's just not fair! I ask you, would it be legitimate for me and my dwarves to show up in Mirkwood and demand a little food and lodging just for no reason and with no payment? A-HA! The elves didn't seem to think so when they locked us up! But now that the tables are turned and we are the ones with means, the elves are all like: "Why can't you share?" Well, they're just breaking my heart. What vexes me the most is the fact that wether they get any gold or not, they're bound to benefit from the release of this wealth into the local economy. Why can't they be happy with the inevitable benefit to everyone that this supply-side bonanza will have in short order? If you ask me, those elves have a lot of nerve.

Middle Earth Editorial #3 Posted by Sauron

Just what the hell is Saruman's problem, anyway? by Merry You know, I'm just a hobbit. Give me a good pipe, some beer, a tableful of food and maybe some ruffians to kick around now and again, and I just don't know much more than that. The ways of the wise, elves and wizards, are quite beyond my meager grasp. But even I have to pose the question: Just what the hell is Saruman's problem, anyway? Here's a guy we'd been hearing about for months on end. "Ooooh! Watch out for Saruman! He's so wise and dwimmorcrafty. Ooooh!" Wise and dwimmorcrafty? This guy's an idiot! For no reason - I mean NONE - Saruman decides to go and cut down every tree in sight. Didn't build with the wood. Didn't burn the wood. Nah. Just cut it down. Just thought he might go and waste manpower, dull the axes and maybe piss off a few dozen Ents. What the heck? It's all in an afternoon's fun, right? So we all know where THAT landed him, and then Gandalf hands him a golden opportunity on a silver platter. "Okay Saruman, you still got time to turn this around and help us." No, the wise and powerful Saruman thought he'd rather stay locked up in his tower. Much more laughs than fighting in a war I suppose. THEN, after we win the war, this genius gets offered ANOTHER chance. I was a bit taken aback, but I figured Gandalf knew what he was doing so I even offered him some pipeweed. And against all reason he throws the chance back in Gandalf's face (took my pipeweed though)! I mean ask youself this: would rather scrounge in the wild with Grima Wormtongue, or go for a nice horseback ride with the Lady Galadriel? Gee, I guess maybe there's some "wise and dwimmorcrafty" reason for his choice. Yeah, right. Is it possible that he hadn't heard Sauron was defeated? Finally he winds up in the Shire. We whip his ruffians, surround him, and sweet Frodo - bless him - gives this reprobate ANOTHER chance to come on and be our friends... and he not only spits it back in our face, he then antagonizes Wormtongue, the one soul left in Middle Earth who will listen to his poppycock! I don't know, maybe he was a pretty big deal in the old days. Can't imagine Gandalf would have feared him otherwise. But talk about a guy who just can't seem to see which way the wind's blowing. I shouldn't criticize. Maybe he had a fall and banged his head something fierce. I don't know. He's got some kind of problem, that's for sure.

Middle Earth Editorial #2 Posted by Op Ed

I TOLD you we should have taken it to Minas Tirith. by Boromir Arrrgh! I told you this would never work, didn't I? Uh-huh. How are they going to get down the side of Emin... oh yeah, the rope. Oh wait! Here comes that little sneak! Now they're done for with no warriors to protect them. See that? Sam's done for... huh? What's going on? What's the sneak doing? Why doesn't he just kill them take it?! That's really weird. A-ha! He plans to drown them in the Dead Marshes. No? Turn them in at the Black Gate? No? I don't get this at all. He's searched for decades for it! Ah, thank goodness! Faramir will speed them on their way to the White City. That's the way, brother. Don't let them push you... Wait. What??? Faramir you bumbling dotard! You're letting them go off with the sneak? This is insane! I'm telling you it will never work! Oh no! The Witch King senses them. He'll be drawn to - wait? Where is he riding off to? Great heavens! Look at the size of that spider! A whole company of men from Gondor couldn't hope... Oh. Must not have been a very tough beast. Orcs! All is lost! Where is he running to? Now they have the Ringbearer and the Ring itself! Why didn't anyone listen to me? All is lost. Huh? Oh, Sam took it. But where's he going? No you fool, not into the fort! Oh, thank goodness the orcs decided to kill each other or all would surely be lost. So there they go running with no idea where they're going, lost in the land of darkness. What folly led us to this wicked turn?? Surely they're bound to pass out from exhaustion and thirst. Yes, any day now. They can't have much left in them. I suppose they'll be despairing soon. You know? These little half-a-mans are quite sturdy, aren't they? And at last to the mountain. I suppose this is where Sauron springs his trap and seizes it. All is lost. Not even Sauron could be so arrogant as to leave Mount Doom unguarded. Could he? COULD he??? Wait a minute, could this work...? A-HA! There you have it! The sneak snatched the Ring after all! I knew it, all is lost! Alas for Gondor, Sauron is victori- What? Oh come on, now! Like any of you could have predicted THAT was going to happen.

Middle Earth Editorial #1 Posted by Op Ed

Does Anyone Else Think Aragorn Was a Little Hasty? by Eomer Does anyone else think Aragorn was a little hasty in handing Druadan Forest over to the Woses like that? I mean, the Woses sure helped out - don`t get me wrong. They`re fine people and I fully intend to keep my uncle`s promise not to hunt them like animals anymore. Without Ghan-Buri-Ghan, we`d have lost surprise and all. But come on, man. Giving them Druadan Forest and making it off limits to everyone else? That`s a little much, don`t you think? I didn`t see too many Woses getting killed out there on the Pellanor field, did you? Where were they when we marched to the Black Gate? I saw plenty of Rohirrim on that trip... not too many Woses. And Aragorn didn`t even talk to Ghan-Buri-Ghan. Just kind of shouted into the woods, all off-handed like. We were as surprised as anyone. That shows that he was all caught up in the moment and didn`t even think about it. If he had been thinking about it, he might have considered that the next time Gondor needs Rohan to come save their butts, he just made our ride a little bit longer, didn`t he? Maybe next time they send the Red Arrow, we`ll just take our sweet time on that trip around Druadan and see if that doesn`t make him think a little. While I`m on the subject, I might have to ask Aragorn just what the hell we`re supposed to do for wood now up here in Rohan. I mean we can`t all build majestic cities out of brilliant white stone, can we? After what they saw at Helm`s Deep and Orthanc, how do you think my men will react when I tell them to head up to Fangorn and cut down some trees? I`m sure as hell not going with them. Yeah, this`ll be a great year, until the winter when we freeze to death. What are we supposed to burn? Grass? I know what you`re all thinking: "Yeah, cry me a river Mr. King/War Hero in a country full of leggy blondes." I know, and I don`t want to sound bitter or anything. I`m psyched about winning the war, and I really have nothing against the Woses at all. Just seems to me that they made out pretty darn well for basically just showing us a shortcut, that`s all. I could tell a lot of other people thought that too. You could totally see how surprised Gandalf was.

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