Sauron's Expedition Posted by Kyle Brown

Sauron's Expedition Chapter 1 By: Kyle Brown In a small town, not so far away from the land of shadow lived Mr. Rodgers. Since Sauron though he was all big and mighty he thought he could conquer the town in less than 2 hours and be back at Barad-Dur in time for Touched By An Angel. Boy did he think wrong. So off he went from Mordor with about 25 orcs and his newest advisior Cletus. Cletus: YEEEEHAW! I havn't had this much fun since that hootenany in Mirkwood! Why don't we do this more often Sauron? Sauron: Silence you fool! We will awake the foul creatures of Mordor! Oh wait, tee-hee, we are the foul creatures of Mordor. Sauron found that so funny he ran all the way down the path giggling like a school-girl. Cletus: Well, ain't that a shame! He left me all alone. Naw, he left me with the orcs! So now he goes runnin' down that path leaving me with the orcs who are a boppin' and a bleppin' and shoutin' and a poppin' and making all the darn noise! After a while Sauron comes back screaming his head off! Sauron: Cletus, I, I, I, I feel, and, and I- Cletus; Spit it out! I ain't got no time for the jibber jabber! Sauron spit out a trout that was amazingly twice as big as him and continued to run down the path, kicking himself in the rear as he ran. Cletus: Oh no, little piggy! Your a not gettin' away next time, I mean this time! Cletus bent down, got into the starting position, started off at blinding speed and tripped over a root! He flew into the air and lander in a tree! Cletus: Halp! Halp! I'm scared of hights! Although he was only 3 feet of the ground he continued to scream. He stayed in the tree the entire night; which for some mysterious reason only lasted for 15 minutes. Soon enough the gully orcs found him. Orc 1: Uhh, guys, their is a elf in that tree. Orc 2: I tel ya, it's a dwarf or am a hobbit's uncle! Orc 3: He's not in the tree, he's on the tree. Orc 1: That was a figure of speech! Orc 4: A similie! Orc 5: A rabbit! Oops, I mean a metaphor! So they continued to agrue into the night all the while Cletus held onto a branch as if his life depended on it. Sauron on the other hand had also had an interesting night running around in circles yelling. That is, until Mr. Rodgers and company found him. Mr. Rodgers: Now calm down friend, what are you trying to say? Sauron: E guto gat uoot ood! Mr. Rodgers: Was was that friend? Sauron: A Gotta git outha oods! Mr. Rodgers: Speak clearer friend. Sauron: I have got to get out of the woods! Mr. Rodgers: Please friend, I don't understand. Sauron said that very clearly that time and he new Mr.Rodgers understood. Mr. Rodgers was making fun of him! Revenge thought Sauron! Revenge! What shall I do? Feed him to the orcs? Turn him into a nasty little hobbit? Lick him to death? I know! I'll start to cry and make him feel sorry for me! Sauron laughs out loud for about 5 minutes. Then he imediatly starts to cry. Mr. Rodgers: What's wrong Sauron? Sauron: Nobody likes me. Mr. Rodgers: I do. Sauron: You smell funny, like gasoline. Mr. Rodgers: Well if I tried to kill people, and conquer cities, burn down homes, ruin families and get kicked out of the prancing pony 17 times on 2 seperate occasions do you think people would like me? Sauron: I'm that bad? Mr. Rodgers: Even worse. Sauron starts to cry so loud dwarves over at the lonely mountain probably heard him. Mr. Rodgers handed Sauron some tissue. Sauron: I believe in magic. Mr. Rodgers: So do I...with my fingers crossed behind my back. Mr. Rodgers: Did I say that out loud? Sauron: Uh huh. Sauron: Hold my hand. Sauron: I hate being bad. Mr. Rodgers: We all do. Sauron: I hate your show. Mr. Rodgers: We all do. NEXT CHAPTER: Will the orcs get Cletus down from the tree? Will Sauron finally take a step in the right direction? Probably not. But turn in anyway next time on Sauron's Expedition!

LOTR Opera Posted by Hama at tolkienthings.cjb.net

Since someone made the observation that John Rhys-Davies looks like Pavarotti, I have wondered how a full blown tragic opera based upon Lord of the Rings would work out. Well, here is a possibility! *1 Il Signore Degli Anelli. An opera by Puccini, badly translated by Hama. Scene 1. The curtain opens, enter Frodo stage left, singing of his sorrow at the loss of his uncle and the curse laid on his family by the ring of power. He sings a tragic aria, "*2 Sauron lo ha dalle sfere!", and falls to the floor, weeping inconsolably. Gandalf enters stage right, limping because of his arthritic knees and singing of his desire for an osteopath. He crosses to Frodo and they join together in a duet of heart rending proportions, the famous "*3 Siamo maledetti se Sauron ottiene questo anello!" Sam is seen spying from behind a rustic bridge. Gandalf gets up and chases him about the stage while Sam sings a comic little number, "*4 Non venire vicino me, voi bastardi!". Once the song ends, Gandalf manages to grab Sam by the collar and proceeds to shake him vigorously, telling him he must go with Frodo. Same refuses, shouting "*5 Probabile non sanguinante! Ho stasera una data con Rosie dietro il laminatoio!". A hobbit chorus marches onto the stage to wish Frodo and Sam bon voyage with the stirring song, "*6 Uscire qui di voi i wasters!". Frodo and Sam march off with Gandalf and the hobbit chorus waving handkerchiefs. The curtain closes. Scene 2. The Curtain rises at the "*7 Cavallo Ballare" taverna. They are joined by Pippin and Merry and are seen carousing with many Bree Women, all the hobbits are singing that famous drinking song "*8 Sono ubriaco come signore, come circa rapido, tesoro?" The door opens and a mysterious hooded and cloaked stranger leaps into the room. He strides to the bar, whips out his sword and carves an ?A' into the woodwork. Everyone falls back as the stranger belts out the magnificent "*9 Fare il modo, io sono un re, voi gente povera ignara!". Frodo and the others stand awestruck as the stranger reveals himself as Aragorn, king of the Dunadain and friend to Gandalf. Frodo begs him to help, and after Aragorn lustily kisses all the women in the taverna, he agrees. Everyone cheers. After all the fuss dies down, we see Sam in the stables with a pony. As he strokes the ponies head, he sings a gentle song "*10 Poichè Rosie non è qui, dovrò accontentarselo!". The curtain closes. Scene 3. The curtain lifts on Saruman's dungeons where he is entertaining Gandalf after capturing him. Saruman is walking about, rattling chains, rubbing his hands together and cackling. There is an orc chorus to one side and they are singing a merry torturing song, "*11 Stiamo mangiando stasera i vostri reni con i fagioli di fava!". Gandalf is tied to a rack and there are hot irons on display. Saruman makes a great play of fiddling with them while singing a duet with Gandalf, "*12 Darmi l' anello o questo va sulla vostra parte inferiore!" and "*13 Non lo ho, sacchetto della schiuma! Attesa finchè Manwe sente parlare di questo!" As Saruman raises one of the irons and advances on Gandalf, a pale man rushes in. It is "*14 Linguetta sporca della vite senza fine" as he is also known, with urgent messages. Saruman walks out with Linguetta and to the gentle humming of the orc chorus to the tune "*15 L' OH maledice, là va supper!", Gandalf is plucked from the dungeon by a passing giant eagle. The curtain closes. Scene 4. The curtain lifts on a wild moorland scene. Aragorn strides on, pulling the hobbits behind him. All the hobbits are shaking with fear and even Sam's pony Bill looks upset. Aragorn whips out his sword and carves another ?A' on a nearby tree before regailing the hobbits with a song, "*16 Smettere di agitare, voi pinte mezze stinky, o li alimenterò al primo fantasma dell' anello che viene avanti!", to keep their spirits up. Five Nazgul leap out at them, four of them accompanying the fifth as he sings in a deep baritone of his hatred of all things mortal with the song, "*17 Sono Dick Turpin, re della strega di Angmar. Levarsi in piedi e trasportare!". Aragorn leaps back and there is a tremendous sword fight. In the melee, Frodo is caught by the witch kings sword. He falls and the Nazgul flee. Aragorn stands over Frodo's stricken body and sings the heart rending "*18 Sto andando ottenere la mia parte inferiore data dei calci a per questa!". They all leave the stage, weeping and carrying Frodo. The curtain closes. vScene 5. The curtain opens at the Ford of Bruinen. Aragorn and the Hobbits arrive and are met by an elf, Glorfindel, who comes lightly tripping across the river. Glorfindel sings an elven song, "*19 Tutto è bello, in esso deve possedere il modo!". A tearful Aragorn shows Glorfindel the prostrate Frodo. Glorfindel gaily dances about them all, laughing lightly. Aragorn loses his temper and starts to castigate Glorfindel. Glorfindel laughs and taunts him, before Aragorn finally falls to his knees and declares his unrequited love for Glorfindel. They come together and sing the immortal, "*20 Non possiamo ottenergli appena abbastanza!". They leap away into the sunset, holding hands, leaving the hobbits behind to face the sudden onslaught of the Nazgul. The Witch King siezes the ring, slays all the hobbits and the pony, and with the other ring wraiths, leaves for Mordor. Too late, Gandalf and Elrond arrive and grieve over the fallen bodies, singing "*21 Osservare sempre dal lato luminoso di vita!". The curtain falls for the last time. Translations. 1 The Lord of the Rings 2 Sauron has me by the balls! 3 We're buggered if Sauron gets this ring! 4 Keep away, you bastard! 5 Not bloody likely! I have a date with Rosie behind the mill tonight! 6 Get out of here, you wasters! 7 Prancing Pony 8 I'm pissed, how about a quickie darling? 9 Make way, I am a king, you stupid proles! 10 As Rosie isn't here, I'll have to make do with you! 11 We are eating your kidneys with fava beans tonight! 12 Give me the ring or this goes up your bottom! 13 I don't have it, scum bag. Wait until Manwe hears about this! 14 Grima Wormtongue 15 Oh bugger, there goes supper! 16 Stop shaking, you smelly halflings, or I'll feed you to the first ringwraith that comes along! 17 I am Dick Turpin, witch king of Angmar. Stand and Deliver! 18 I am going to get my arse kicked for this! 19 Everything is beautiful, in it's own way! 20 We just can't get enough of each other! 21 Always look on the bright side of life! Hama.

The College of Revisionist History (Rohan Division) Posted by glaze at theOneRing.net

On the Kingship of Rohan during the War of the Ring. It is commonly known that by the early days of the thirty-first century (third age) the Kingship of Rohan was in severe decline. King Theoden was clearly in ill health, and he only had one son (Theodred). While most wizards would be content with propping up the aged king, our friend Gandalf (abandoner of the weak and scourge of the cowardly) took it upon himself to destroy the monarchy of the sovereign state of Rohan. After abandoning the Ring-bearer in Moria and galavanting about in Lorien with his mistress Galadriel for quite some time, Gandalf met up with his somewhat dim allies near Fangorn. After encouraging his mentally-challenged friends to abandon their search for the young Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, ("Don't worry! The Ents will take care of them.") he led them off to Edoras, the capital of Rohan. The King was then engaged in war on his Western front against Saruman (another so-called wizard who we believe that Gandalf was in cahoots with) near the Isen river. His only son and heir had recently been slain. Did Gandalf console the King and offer to aid him? Ha! He ran off Theoden's trusted counselor, one Grima, who advocated the personal safety of the King, and bullied the Theoden into riding off to battle at the age of seventy-two, with his only remaining male relative (Eomer) in tow! How Theoden survived the battle is anyone's guess. But after the batte of the Hornburg (guess what wizard had "something else to do") Gandalf again urged Theoden into battle, this time in Gondor. It is clear that Gandalf wanted to kill of the crown of Rohan, and diminish it to a tributary state under Gondor (should Gondor happen to win the war). As Gandalf planned, Theoden was killed by the Witch-King at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, and Eomer only survived by his great deeds of arms. It certainly wasn't his brains. Not to cast aspersions, but there were only three legs on Eomer's horse, if you get our drift. After this, and the succeeding battles that followed (always with Eomer present, by the way) Gondor did win the war, and Rohan, without an experienced statesman at the helm, found itself yoked into permanent and binding alliance with Gondor, forced evermore to take part in her wars, whether it wanted to or not. It is clear that Aragorn and Gandalf were looking to create a vassal state that could be used as a blunt weapon against any potential enemy, without the troublesome matter of having to worry about the lives of their own soldiers. In this, as in almost every other matter, the actions of these two men are totally and unquestionably reprehensible.

LOTR Drinking Game Posted by erendis at Imladris

(If this has been covered already, please forgive me, I don't have time to fish that far back in the Pony archives.) Okay, I'm being humourous now, cause I'm not much of a drinker. You've all heard of the Star Wars Drinking Game. You pick a general phrase, and every time they say it or refer to it you drink. Pick an oft-repeated phrase, and you can really get drunk during the Trilogy. Examples: "Use the Force/May the force be with you." "I shall deal with this myself." "Get us out of here/get us out of this mess/let's get out of here." Now, when LotR comes out of video ten years from now, what would be your choices for LotR phrases/ideas that one could get drunk on? They don't have to be exact. Just a couple: 1. Any "I didn't think you were real, I thought you were a legend," reference. 2. "Nay, they are not boys, they are full grown." Lots of that in Rivendell and Minas Tirith. 3. Of course, any annoying "dear master" sentence from Sam would send my BAC to the stratosphere. 4. "Gondor falls, you say. But Gondor stands. Ha, we're even better than all of you." 5. "Elendil! I am--" Oh shut up.

Posted by Voronwe on Imladris I think that for the Aragorn roll-call, everyone playing should pick a different title, and drink every time it's said. Though that means that whoever gets Elessar will be REALLY sloshed at the end... (You know, those "Aragorners" never bothered me at all. Am I alone out there? ) Others... when an event from "The Hobbit" is referenced whenever someone gives Gandalf a mocking nickname (Stormcrow, Grey Fool, etc.) any of Sam's colorful rusticisms ("Lor bless me," for example) whenever a politically incorrect phrase is said ("There are queer folk about" or "No black man shall pass my doors") when the main characters drink someone is called by their full name who usually isn't (e.g. Peregrin, Meriadoc, Grima, and so forth) someone says something that sounds dirty out of context ("Take it off, fool! Take it off!")

by Diamond of Long Cleeve - Every time Gandalf says, "Peregrin Took" or "Tomfool of a Took". - Every time somebody says "I am Hoho, Son of Dodo, and I come from far away, across many rivers" or the like. - Every time Gollum winds Sam up, or vice versa. - Every time a character gets in the mood to recite an epic poem, which can happen just about anywhere: a peaceful afternoon in Rivendell, Boromir's just died horribly, Nazguls or Orcs are lurking inconveniently nearby, whatever. Whatever the occasion might be, poetry never fails to cheer our heroes up! I just love it ... and yes, Voronwe, I too appreciate Aragorn and all his 'Gorners' (though my first love is Faramir).

TV spinoffs Posted by Spamwise at Imladris

help me out here... "Hurin's Heroes" --The lite-hearted misadventures of some thralls in Angband. "I Love Luthien" --Can interracial romance really be this funny? "The Smeagol Gourmet" --Food preparation with running internal dialogue commentary. This week's featured recipe: sssushi. "Baywatcher in the water" --Summer love, mithril bikinis, and an age-old lurking monstrosity. Today, Shawna says, "Speak, friend, and enter!"

Spy Reports Posted by Hama at LOTR & Tolkien Things

OK, in keeping with a great tradition, I have secretly hurled several spys in the direction of New Zealand disguised, in line with the AICN spy guidelines, in ways so that they blend in. Their codenames (and appearences) are as follows: Eric (disguised as tricologist), IndianaSmith (disguised as HarrisonBirtwhistle). The Incoming Horse (disguised as a cat), Blodwyn (disguised as a tin of sardines), ZaPuLiKe (disguised as a naked Rita Hayworth), Jim's Gonads (disguised as an under ripe melon), They have been down there for a week now and some of their first reports are in. This one is from Eric: Hey Hama, discovered that Elijah Wood is BALD. That's right my man, he is severely lacking hirsuteness. It happened in the week, a sudden attack of lightning alopecia. One minute lots of gorgeous locks, the next, he's a slaphead. Jackson did his nut, started running about shouting for doctors and wigs. Now here comes the scoop of the decade. They grabbed hold of me (must have seen my case full of samples I guess) and told me to do something with Elijah. Well, I was directed into Mr Woods trailer. Think of it, there I was, in front of Frodo himself. I was speechless. I managed to mutter something about 'trying a few samples'. He was cool though. He liked the Marilyn Monroe wig, but said that PJ would go ballistic if he saw it. As it turned out, none of my samples were any good really. It was a bit of a fix. Then I noticed the rug in his toilet, a little brown thing, very hairy. After some quick thinking I made some excuse or other and vanished into the loo, taking some scissors with me. I cut up that rug and do you know, when I came out and tried it on Elijah, he loved it. He got up and went outside. Then the brown stuff really hit the rotating objects. Do you remember that scene in Bree where Nob uses a brown mat for Frodo's head? I didn't realise that PJ was taking it this seriously. Did you know that he has had the guys who will play the nazguls ATTACK brown mats on sight? He has had them locked in isolation tanks for weeks on end, feeding them mind altering drugs, and telling them all the horrible things brown mats can do, like throttling you when you aren't watching or hiding in trees while waiting to drop on your head. By the time PJ had finished his brown mat aversion therapy, these guys were psychotic. One sight of Elijah sporting his brand new rug and they went beresk. I mean there was blood everywhere. They threw me off the set, by the way. But what do you think of that, eh? Eric. And from Blodwyn: I've been stuck on this shelf for a week and I haven't seen a bloody thing. Except for a bloody awful lot of people buying tins of sardines. They eat a hell of a lot of sardines in Matamata or where ever the hell this is. I had a close call yesterday. One old bag did go to pick me up, but I screamed at her. Gave her a heart attack. That was the only real piece of excitement I've had all week. This was a crap idea of yours Hama. Go as a tin of sardines, you said, no one will suspect a thing. Yeah, right! I had to loose a lot of weight very quickly to fit inside, I can tell you. And the yoga lessons didn't help at all. An awful lot of gossip I'm going to pick up stuck on this shelf, I don't think. A good idea? Not! And finally from ZaPuLiKe: Hama, first off, let me just say that this pnuematic Rita Hayworth suit of yours is fantastic. It really fooled everybody. You should have seen the stares I got when I left the hotel and got into the car. Now onto the meat and bones of this email. I don't know how to tell you this but they wanted me to be Galadriel. Turns out that Peter Jackson is a real fan of Rita Hayworth. All I did was drive past one of the sets and these huge guys drove me off the road, grabbed me out of the car and took me before Mr Jackson. And what a gentleman he is. First off he offered me some clothing, but I declined. A good spy sticks to his disguise, no matter the provocation. Then he pleaded with me to take the part of Galadriel, even dropped to his knees at one point. I was speechless for a while, before I answered. I don't know what made me say it, I really don't. It was the first thing that came into my head. I said "What's you're opinion of female impersonators?" Well, that's as far as this story goes. Peter Jackson really likes Rita Hayworth! Bet no one knew that one. Now, on another matter, can you post bail for me? It seems I've broken some local indecency law or other. Ciao, ZaPuLiKe. Well there you have it. Elijah Woods is bald, Peter Jackson adores Rita Hayworth and they eat an awful lot of tinned sardines in Matamata. Where else can you get such quality scoops as Hama's Spy Emporium. Catch you all later.

LOTR Theme Park Florida!! Posted by orcfodder on LOTR & Tolkien Things

Let's pool our resources and fund this idea. After the great success of all three films we'll cash in big time and won't ever have to grace our desks again! We can divide the resort into several areas (or Shires as we will call them). They will be Wraith World, Hobbit Haven, Mordor Mountain, Arwen's Arbour and the Tom Bombadil Virtual Simulation. I have planned Mordor Mountain (see below), but leave the other areas open to you suggestions. When the visitors enter Mordor Mountain they will be striped of all ice creams and fast food by our helpful low-paid staff (named Sauron's Servents) and instead be given prawn crackers (Lembas). There are no bars or restaurants in Mordor Mountain for the sake of realism. Once in they will queue for hours on end on the Stairs of Cirith Ungol, the prelude to our first attraction Shelob's Slide. Strapped into their hollowed out spider cocoons they will then enter the dark tunnel until confronted by the animatronic Shelob and whisked at the last minute away from her gaping maw. Thinking that they have escaped they will soon discover that one of their cocoon's passengers is missing. This will be done with mirrors. They will then witness their friend/wife/husband/child being devoured by Shelob herself (all done with holograms) which will allow them to recreate Sam's despair when he thought Frodo was spider meat. The next thrill will be our March of the Orc Army pageant (10am, 1pm, 4pm weekdays with an extra 7pm torchlit performance at weekends). Here they can marvel at the Dark Lord's might and see Sauron Himself carried along atop his Ent-dung and sticky out bits Throne by twenty slavering trolls. Chained behind him is the elf-princess Arwen Evenstar. Amid all this Aragorn son of Arathorn will tear through the orc ranks and bear away his swooning love on a heart shaped chariot. We have secured Kevin Costner for the part (he gets what he can these days). Appropriately the band strikes up "Everything I do, I do it for You." The climatic ride is Mordor Mountain itself! Another roller coaster, but with Eagle shaped cars. The tourists get to view radio-controlled Nazgul do battle with Eagle-bourne Fellowship members before finally arriving at the Cracks of Doom (tm), where their coasters teeter at the brink before our Gollum-costumed actors try biting their fingers off (our legal advisors cannot recommend really biting them off) and then fall into the depths on hidden wires. The grand finale is then the Barad Dur Fireworks Display.

Flashback # 2 Posted by Guthlaf on LOTR & Tolkien Things

As Aragorn grieves for Boromir, Legolas and Gimli approach.... Legolas: Ai! I fear you are grieviously wounded. We came as quickly as we could, but there were orcs in the woods. Aragorn: Alas, I was not here to aid him. The hobbits have been taken, he said. He did not say whether Frodo or Sam were with him. This is an evil day. Gimli: We must pursue them! Legolas: But what if Frodo is not with them? We cannot abandon the Ringbearer.... Aragorn: I must think. All my choices this day have gone ill. First let us attend to our dead companion, and then we can check for signs.... Boromir (groans): I'm not dead yet. Aragorn: First let us attend to our mortally wounded companion, and then.... Boromir (raises hand): I think I'm getting better.... Aragorn (knocks him on the head with flat of his sword): Let us now attend to our companion, and then we can check for signs....

Monty Python Flashback Posted by Guthlaf on LOTR & Tolkien Things

Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli arrive at Edoras, and Hama hails them: "Who goes there?" "I am Mithrandir. Hurry and tell Theoden that a storm is coming. I have ridden all the way from Fangorn to consult with him." "Ridden? Ridden what?" "Ridden a horse!" "I don't see any horse. That's just a pair of coconuts you're rattling!" "So what's wrong with coconuts?" "Well you can't be using coconuts! Where'd you get 'em? Coconuts are tropical, you know, and this is a temperate clime!" "So a bird carried them--a swallow! Now go and tell Theoden...." "A bird? Now hold on a moment, a five-ounce swallow can not carry a one-pound coconut!" "Look, I need to speak with Theoden--" "The airflight velocity of a swallow is--" "Summon Theoden at once! We have little time! If you don't call him, I shall blast this door down through the hall and out the other end!" A second doorwarden raises his head. "Well what if it was an African swallow?" "No, no! African swallows are non-migratory!" Gandalf shakes his head and rides away in sullen wrath; Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli follow. Behind them: "Well, what if two swallows carried it together?"

A Joke Posted by Tar Amandil on LOTR & Tolkien Things

The Lord Aragorn was in Rivendell just before his great journies were about to begin, and his good friend Gandalf had made an invention, to keep all worries from his mind. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "Why this is no good, Gandalf!" Aragorn exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, Arwen from those sly and devious Dunadan?" "Ah, just observe," said Gandalf. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Gandalf, you are a genius! "exclaimed the grateful Dunadan Chieftain. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Love is fully protected. After putting Arwen in the device, Aragorn then set out upon his journies into the hostile South. Several years passed until he returned to Rivendell. Immediately he assembled all of the Dunadan Rangers and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Halbarad. "Halbarad," exclaimed Aragorn." My one and only true friend. Only you among all the Rangers have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But, alas, Halbarad was speechless.

Origin of Hobbits Posted by Finrod on LOTR & Tolkien Things

The little known Maia spirit, Gourme (a servant of Aule), saw that Aule had made his dwarves. And Gourme, who loved food and its making, wanted similar servants, who would love what he loved. So he created the hobbits out of turnips, cauliflower, and (most importantly) taters. Eru was getting pretty bored of this stunt by the Ainur, and said "Lo, I shall give them life, Gourme, but they shall be gluttonous, and more annoying than any other creature within Ea." Eru then buried the fathers and mothers of hobbits in hills scattered throughout Eriador, hoping that Gourme would forget about them. Of course, they woke up, amidst the taters and turnips and what not, and spread, multiplied, and became English. True story! :)>

Grima Jr.=Villian of the 4th Age Posted by Tar Amandil on LOTR & Tolkien Things

Grima Jr. was the son of Grima Wormtongue and Ugstik the sister of Ugluk. During the year 15 of the 4th Age, Grima Jr. was ridiculed for his flaring nostrils, and careless disregard for domesticated birds. In the ensuing months, after he lost his 'palantiri'(or marbles), he declared war on a helpless chicken coup. The battle lasted over 30 seconds, and when the feathers cleared Grima Jr. was victorious! His legend soon spread, and became a name of terror amongst poultry throughout Rohan. When Eomer heard of what was being done, he laid an elaborate trap to catch this villian. 'Eomer's Elaborate El Grande Snare' it was later known in song, and was the most exciting thing to occur in the 4th Age. The exact details of the trap are few, but it is spoken by the sages of later days that it included a blind folded chicken and a war catapult.

Tolkien Geek Test Posted by __ on TheOneRing.net

The Tolkien Geek Test 1.Start by giving yourself… 1 point for every time you've read The Hobbit 2 points for every time you've read LotR 5 points if you've read all the appendixes to LotR 3 points for every time you've read The Silmarillion 5 points for each other work by Tolkien you've read 2.Add one point for each time per week you usually visit theTORN forum 3.If you have a LotR poster hanging in your bedroom, add 1 point 4.If you have your own Tolkien website, add 3 5.If you've ever named a pet after a Tolkien character, add 1 6.If you've ever named a child after a Tolkien character sorry, nicknames don't count!), add 5 7.If you've legally changed your own name to that of a Tolkien character, add 10 8.If your ideal mate is someone just like Aragorn/Galadriel, add 1 9.If you wish Gandalf was your grandfather, add 1 10.If the god you worship is some guy named Iluvatar, add 10 11.If you plan to camp out for tickets when the LotR movies come out, add 5 12.If you can quote large sections of LotR verbatim, add 1 13.If you know the real names of any of the Nazgul, add 1 14.If you've ever made up your own recipe for Lembas or miruvoir, add 1 15.If you've ever dressed up as a Tolkien character for a party, add 1 16.If you've ever dressed up as a Tolkien character for the fun of it, add 3 17.If you're proud of your hairy feet, add 1 18.If you're proud of your hairy back, subtract 3 19.If you've ever played a hobbit or ranger character in a role-playing game, add 1 20.If real-life places remind you of Middle-earth, add 1 21.If you've ever decorated a subway, wall, freeway overpass, desktop, etc., with the graffiti, "Frodo lives," add 3 22.If you know what the Eagle and Child is, add 3 23.I've you've ever actually used the word "dwimmerlaik" in a conversation, add 5 24.If you've seen the Bakshi LotR movie, add 1 25.If you've seen and still like the Bakshi LotR movie, subtract 5 Score: 1-10: Hey, wrong forum, dude. The Lord of the Rings is not Stone Cold Steve Austin. 11- 30: A young hobbit, never the Shire 31-40: You've been as far as Bree 41 – 60: You've been "there and back again" a few times 61-80: A Wood Elf 81-100: A High Elf 100 - 120 or more: You are the lost Istari 121 or more: Pure Valar all the way, baby. Now go get a life.

If we had six six hour films..... Posted by orcfodder on LOTR & Tolkien Things

....then we can add lots of details in that were sadly missed out by Tolkien: 1. Loreth's affair with Hurin and how she overcame her grief by becoming a healer. 2. The exciting scene where Anduril is reforged. 3. Sam's farewell to Rosie behind the Mill in Bywater. 4. Gollum's account of his years as a wandering minstrel and sometime rent boy! 5. How Legolas spent his time away from the Fellowship in Lorien watching elvish bards compose songs lamenting the fall of Mithrandir!

The Dancing Posted by PoohBear~ on LOTR & Tolkien Things

And the musical numbers in general. Will they handle it like the great musicals of the 40's and 50's or will they take a more subtle, tongue in cheek approach, as in Woody Allen's "Everyone Says I Love You". I've heard that Elijah Wood is a marvelous tap dancer; perhaps the musical scene in the Prancing Pony can be a reproduction of that scene in which Fred Astaire dances on the ceiling. I am also imagining that the Council of Elrond can be expressed in the form of interpretive dance. Also, because of its tremendous popularity, an Irish step dancing production would be a fantastic way to coreograph the battle of the Pellenor Field. Personally, I hope they go for the Grand style of the classic Hollywood musicals, with an abundance of vibrant colors and toothy grins.

Leprechaun IX - Leppy does Middle Earth! Posted by orcfodder on LOTR & Tolkien Things

The Leprechaun chases Sam, Frodo and Smeagol through the Dead Marshes and confronts them at the mere of the dead men: "What do you want with us? demanded Frodo. "Do you serve the forces of darkness, or will you aid me in my quest?" "Oi'm after me lucky charms" replied the green nemesis, taking another step towards the threesome". "It wants the Preciousss, master; the nassty green stupid thing wants it! Smeagol will help save the master of the precious. Good Smeagol! Gollum!" Gollum flapped forward and crouched warily in front of the leprechaun, as Sam drew his sword and muttered: "It don't look harmful, Master Frodo, but it might draw in the Black Riders with its bright stockings and ridiculous Irish accent!" At this the leprechaun let out a string of curses and threw itself at Frodo. Fortunately for all of us, Sam and Gollum pounced on it and beat the crap out of it. Afterward, they threw the body into the mere. The faces flickered and then screamed as one!

Mistakes we hope PJ will avoid... Posted on Xenite.org White Council

Mistakes we hope Peter Jackson will avoid in filming Lord of the Rings Confuse plot with Lord of the Flies. Gender benders - Gandalf or Sam is female. Gratuitous chase scenes inserted. Exploding helicopters. Galadriel looks like she came out of a Boris Vallejo painting. Keanu Reeves as Strider. Muppets used for Orcs; Frank Oz does Gollum's voice. Give Frodo fairy wings to escape the exploding volcano. Use the approach for the first Star Trek movie - hours of slow special effects and minutes of dialog. Casting the southern sheriff from the Bond movies as the Captain of the Nazgul. Pamella Lee as anyone. The Knights who say "Ni" as Ents. Saruman of Many Colors wearing Tie-dye. Gimli armed with chain saw. Elves with very pointy shoes and/or halos. Sound track by Ice T, Puff Daddy, Zamphir, Wayne Newton, or ABBA. Sauron is Frodo's evil twin & the climax is their fight. Gollum is undercover spy for Valar. Merry & Pippin gay. Sauron is CEO of evil, polluting multinational corporation. Hobbits wear Nike. Smoking pipes replaced with chewing gum for health reasons. Special effects in the style of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" Ninties cliches and dialog All the bad guys have the same voice from a GI Joe cartoon. WWF stars as the nine black riders Bombadil, Elrond, and Galadriel compressed into one character and scene Witch king is actually Eowyn's abusive father. Chariot race scene added to give video game tie-in. Frodo confronts Sauron & lectures him on the evils of war. Sauron agrees & they become fast friends. Lord of the Rings - The Musical! (Rogers & Hammerstien type) Whole focus of trilogy is shifted to Gollum.

If I were a hobbit Posted by Fingolfin on Ringbearer.org

I'd shave my feet just to be different from all the other halflings, in fact id make the first pair of oversized hobbit shoes ever worn in the shire. They would be golden shoes with pointy toes, and id whistle jaunty tunes and never look anyone in the eye, be they try to speak at me. My hole would be in the ground facing up, like a manhole, not a hobbit hole, with a tunnel and a stair case leading up a tree. Id cast my fishing pole and line down from the branches of my high abode, pulling the hats and hair pins out of the citizens heads as they walked by, laughing and calling to them. I would post anti wizard signs on people's doorways and arches, so when the Grey came he would be offended, and the other hobbits would have to quickly rip them from their doorways in case he saw the foul signs. At town meetings i would heckle the speakers, and when eyes were turned on me i would gaze forward and smile, pointing and my point golden shoes and winking at the ladies. Soon they would come for me in masses, smoking out my hole and chopping down my tree. I would be chased from the shire and told never to return, but at least i would have my large golden shoes.

Top 10 meals in Middle Earth Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

1. Roast Hobbit 2. Pizza with Ent Toppings (like broccoli!) 3. Lembas Bagels with Cream Cheese 4. Lembas Bagels with More Cream Cheese 5. Lembas Bagels with Even More Cream Cheese 6. Fried Nazgul Medium Rare 7. Mushrooms Cooked Over a Slow Volcano 8. Oliphaunt with Gravy 9. Shelob's Delight 10. Chopped Up Orcs, yes, precious!

M-E History Paper Posted by Hama on Ringbearer.org

End of Term Exam. History Paper: Syllabus – Middle Earth, Ages 1 - 4. 2hrs. Candidates should attempt to answer ALL questions. Candidates are also reminded that they should start and finish only when told to do so by the examiner. On no account should the candidate answer a question more than once. Candidates should not write on both sides of the paper at the same time. 1) Eomer or Eowyn? Discuss. 2) Do you have the faintest recollection of Brodda the Easterling? What do you have the faintest recollection of? 3) Which would you rather be? A) an orc, B) a troll or C) worsted by the men of Carn Dum? 4) Note down the first few bars of the first theme of Iluvatar and compare it to Bilbo’s favourite bath time songs. (tuning forks, music paper, etc will be provided). 5) Ruminate upon the cats of queen Beruthiel and make sparse notes concerning their colour and predispostion to fish. Does this in anyway help you with the migration of the Stoors, the Harfoots and the Fallowhides? What does it help you with? 6) “Hey, come, my merry dol!”. Illustrate. 7) Cogitate furtively upon the relative merits of A) Lembas, B) Cram and C) “something slimy out of holes”. 8) Compare the heights of Tuor, Huor and Beor. (Candidates must only use line of sight when answering this question, rulers and tape measures will not be provided). 9) “Earendil was a mariner that tarried in Arvernien”. Would you? Give reasons. 10) Who did what to whose what and how many leagues a-what? (Candidates are advised not to answer this question). (With apologies to the authors of ‘1066 and all that’)

Top 10 signs you read too much Tolkien Posted by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org

10) Every time you see a spider you run out of the room screaming "Spawn of Ungolant!" 9) Every time you see an eagle you wonder what Manwe's up to know 8) You know what RTF means 7) You call your dog Huan and espect him to talk 6) When everyou are only slightly drunk you jump atop a table and sing 5) You mutter "He's not going to get us precious" as you hid your jewerly 4) Whenever something bad happens you scream "AiAi!" 3) You're anxiously awaiting HoME 19 'The Middle-Earth Giude to Plumbing' 2) You're thinking of nameing your kid Frodo And 1) You actually post on a Tolkien Message Board

Top 10 signs of LOTR made by Monty Python Posted by anaith on theOneRing.net

10. Hobbits live in holes, because they try not to be seen. 9. The nine nazgul appear as nine pink rabbits. 8. Tom Bambadil spends his days practicing silly walks. 7. The gate of Moria is opened by telling your favourite colour. 6. Gandalf kills the Balrog and himself by telling the killing joke. 5. Theoden´s Hall is a very dusty, totally ruined castle. 4. The Rohirrim ride by clapping coconuts. 3. The treebeard-scene is introduced by John Cleese, sitting at a desk in the Rohirrim grasslands, saying "And now to something completely different." 2. The fellowship ends up hit by a big foot. The same fate meets all (mostly homosexual) Orcs in the battle at Helm´s Deep. 1. The battle of the Pelennor fields is decided by sixteen tons on the witchking of Angmar.

LOTR if directed by Kevin Costner Posted by anaith on theOneRing.net

Before starting, Costner cuts the characters of Gandalf, Saruman, all Rohirrim, Arwen, Treebeard, and some other unimportant figures. Eowyn is changed into a hobbit-woman. She's now the sister of frodo. Kevin Costner plays Aragorn (würg). Middle-Earth was hit by a thermonuclear disaster, caused by an industrial accident in Numenor. Costner is a lonesome wanderer in a flat wilderness, or in a water desert or whatever. Sauron ist verrrry evil an played by Gary Oldham, catches Costner and wants to destroy the golden civilization of the very harmless und superfriendly Hobbits. Sauron likes Shakespeare and has prejudices against postmen. Costner escapes from Saurons Camp, which is really horrifying, because all prisoners have to watch elvish country-movies the whole day. Costner finds a ring, with an inscription: "Who ever may find this Ring, please return it to Frodo Baggins, 35486 Bag End, The Shire, Middle Earth. Costner does his job without being able to even think for one second. He finds Frodo and falls in love with his sister. After the inevitable sex-scene Costner meets with Sauron for a duell. Costner wins and says the inevitable sentences: "Noone should do any harm to another person. There shall be peace. No one should be the evil overlord. Let's restore the United States of ähm... Middle-Earth." Finally Tom Bombadil enters the scen and shouts: "Let's make love and peace." All Hobbits reply: "Oh.... yeah, thats good."

LOTR if directed by Frank Capra Posted by ritergrrl on theOneRing.net

Frodo, played by Jimmy Stewart, convinces the council of Elrond that the Ring actually has no power. "It's not in the Ring! It's in me, and in you, and in everyone who believes that Sauron has all the power!" Everyone is so moved by this speech that the orcs, Nazgul, and Balrogs renounce service to Sauron and become farmers. The Scouring of the Shire never really happens; it's just Gandalf-the-angel's attempt to show Frodo what life would be like in Shire if he had never been born. No one believes Gandalf's claims that he really is a wizard; they all think he's a dotty but harmless old man. Frodo (Jimmy again) is sent to Mordor as a ploy by the Council of Elrond, who figure he'll fail miserably and then everyone in Minas Tirith will welcome Saruman as their only hope. Their plot is foiled by Frodo's thousands of young cousins who campaign for him through all of Middle-earth; The orcs and Nazguls are so confused trying to find the Ringbearer among them that Frodo and Sam easily enter Mordor & destroy the Ring.

If Martin Scorsese directed LOTR Posted by Blue Wizard on theOneRing.net

Big scene when Frodo, played by Robert DeNiro (who forgoes CGI "shrinking" in favor of actually losing a foot of height to play the role), tries on Bilbo's mithril mail coat and picks up Sting in his room in Rivendell, and then puts on the ring in front of a mirror: Frodo (to the mirror, but he sees no reflection): "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? Huh? Ok"

What if Tim Burton directed LOTR?

Posted by Barbarshop on theOneRing.net Let's see, we'd have a jamaican dance at the counsel of Elrond. Aragorn would keep looking for the Bat signal from Gandalf. Eowyn would meow when greeted. There would be ten 'Stings', one for every finger on Frodo's hand. Instead of stabbing the Nagzul Frodo would give it a haircut.

Posted by Inferno on theOneRing.net Saruman would feed Gandalf to the BogeyMan. All the Orcs would run around saying "GAANNK GAAANKK GGAAANK", and carrying a translator: "Don't run, we are your friends." The Elves in Lorien would give the fellowship a Giant Peach to sail down the river in. The lighting would be 40% darker than your average film. Jack Nicholson would play Denethor.

Posted by Idril Celebrindal on theOneRing.net - Orcs would have exposed brains protected by glass helmets. - Battle of Minas Tirith won by Merry and Eowyn, who drive around in a pickup truck playing Slim Whitman which shatters the orcs' brains! - Aragorn played by large animated skeleton who wants to take over Christmas land. - Arwen played by good hearted rag doll

How Tolkien would answer: Why did the chicken cross the road? Found at this site

J.R.R. Tolkien: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.

Re:Serious Poll About A Serious Issue Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

I personally want to see the pebble that Pippin drops down the well in Moria. Plink, Plunk, Plink down down Plop, into the Balrog's Coffee Cup. The lackey's surrounding Him notice, but are too afraid to say anything. He takes a drink, and breaks a tooth on the Stone "WHO PUT THAT STONE IN MY COFFEE???!!?!?!?" he roars The lackeys all duck and point up. "not usss, not usss, it came from up there O Mighty Winged One" "WHAT!!!!" "Hmm cant think without some music, Hmm lets see, how about some Drums yess that its DRUMS I say, DRUMS IN THE DEEEP" 'And cant you do something about all these flames and where DID we get these donuts'

Posted Kelandra at TheOneRing.Com's White Council

The only thing that could be more horrible than a theatre full of screaming kids yelling "IS HE THE BAD GUY? WHO'S THE BAD GUY? IS THAT GUY THE BAD GUY?" Would be if the movie is unpopular but it starts to get a huge cult fan following of weirdos who show up to watch it at midnight every Saturday dressed up like the characters! They'll start to bring props to throw (fake fingers, lembas wafers, and mushrooms) and they'll yell advice out to the characters: "Take the ring off you stupid piece of sh*t!! Burn the f*cking ring yeah! Burn the f*cking ring yeah!! Put down the palantir you little pr*ck!!" Can't you just see it?

Posted Earendil at TheOneRing.Com's White Council

There is actually one circumstance that has not been offered to account for the casting of Ted Sandyman. It's actually quite obvious when one considers all things, logically and rationally: Ted Sandyman's role is obviously going to be expanded to fit the new shape of the saga. In the Jackson abridged edition of Lord of the Rings, he's actually going to be Arwen Evenstar's squire.

In response to: 'Does anyone know when the "Lords of The Rings" movie is coning[sic] out?' Posted by Hama on Ringbearer.org

Yes, there is a rumour that someone somewhere is doing a movie of LOTR from a topological angle. Apparently all the characters will be played by conic sections intersecting a homeomorphic object, in this case, Middle Earth. Let Middle Earth be represented by ME, let Frodo be represented by parabolic curve F, where curve F has its point of origin at the coordinates on ME known as the Shire (or SH). Let the other intersection of F occur at point O on ME, more commonly known as Orodruin. F is also intersected by G (Gandalf) and by S (Samwise), though G is not limited to two dimensions and is in fact a three dimensional parabolic surface that moves through ME in a series of curves by time. There is a further complication. F is joined by a toroid, R, (or ring), that acts as an attractant for a spheroid, S, (or Sauron), that occurs near O at point B. S distorts the surface of ME, pulling R and F towards itself. Halfway across curve F occurs another intersection with a curve SM. SM also acts as an attractant for R and actually cause R to end at O. F and S return to point SH, along with G. This, of course, grossly simplifies the matter, but the question is: How many men does it take to fill the bath?

William Shatner! Posted by Pooh Bear~ on Ringbearer.org

Shatner: Gimli...I...need...more...power. Gimli: Its noo good siir, Ah cahnt chenge th' laws o' Middle Earth! Gandalf: Sir, Logic dictates that you should walk the Paths of the Dead. There you will find a great army which will help you to victory. Shatner: Gandalf...once...again...we owe you...our lives. Gimli: Boot waht kind o' peeple aer in thees army? Legolas: They're dead Gim

Aragorn's Role Posted by cyberskunk on AICN Talkback

Maybe the project will get a revisionist treatment and the role of Aragorn will go to a strong leading lady instead and the character will be called ArasigourneyWeaver, and the elves will become vulcans, Mr. Nimoy will be cast as Elrond and in his attempt to understand the emotions of other peoples, he will break into a musical interlude of TMBG's "Which Describes How you're Feeling" after singing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins". Maybe not.

Tom Jones and Tom Bombadil Posted by Gimli on Ringbearer.org

In regards to the Tom Bombadil problem, I've got a perfect solution! Leave out Tom Bombadil entirely and simply cast Tom Jones as: "Tom Jones, the Legendary Middle Earth Character." You thought Tom Jones was a little strange? Well, it turns out that he really isn't from anywhere near here! Here's a little part of the script that I wrote out: Frodo: Tell us, Master, about the Willow-Man. What is he? I have never heard of him before. Merry and Pippen: No, don't! Not now! Not until morning! Tom Jones: That is right! Now is the time for resting. Some things are ill to hear when the world's in shadow. Sleep till the morning light, rest on the pillow! Heed no nightly noise! Fear no grey willow, because . . . [The hobbits look up with surprised and delighted faces as a spotlight falls upon Tom and an orchestra rises from the floor. It starts playing, and Tom begins to sing.] Orchestra: Dum de dum; Dum de dum; Dom de dom; Dom de dom; Dum de dum; Dum de dum; Dom de dom; Dom de dom Tom: It's not unusual to hear noises in the night . . . Orchestra: Bwaa daa da da dummmm Tom: It's not unusual to be paralyzed with friight . . . Orchestra: Da doo do dooooo Tom: But when I hear that you're in fear for your own liiiives . . . It's not unusual to hear me cryin', oh I wanna dieee (But that's not too likely) . . . . THANK YOU!

Movie publicity Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

Movies are Entertainment. Publicity will focus on why people Will love the films, not why they Should. Advertising will focus on: 1) Balrog 2) Nazgul 3) Innocent little Hobbits partying 4) Innocent little Hobbits facing Nazgul 5) Innocent little Hobbits facing Balrog 6) Liv 7) Liv's Lips 8) Liv's Hips 9) Christopher Lee's menacing style 10) whoever wrote this thing 11) Other- hey look thats Magneto, isnt that Indy's pal? theres Elizabeth....

You know that you've had "too much" Tolkien when.... Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

...when you start mumbling, "It's mine, precious, mine..." in your sleep. ...when you end every sentence with "Alas." ...when you start dreaming about jewelry. ...when your boss checks in on you and you shriek: "Begone, foul dwimmerlaik!" ...when you stop wearing shoes. ...when you start eyeing suspiciously anyone wearing a gold ring. ...when you start humming "Come merry dol, derry dol" while doing your homework. ...when you learn to quote entire chapters verbatim. ...when you start walking around with a staff and a funny blue hat. ...when you develop a sudden craving for mushrooms. ...when you are disappointed that Safeway is out of lembas. ...when you name your best kitchen knife and carry it on your belt, having realized that it is actually an Elven relic. Enjoy! And may you live long and...er, may the Ring be with you...I mean, er...aha! May all your Orcs be little ones....

You might be a Tolkien addict if... Posted by Goldberri on Ringbearer.org

You purchase a new shampoo and conditioner and think now this is how The Shire smells in the Fall You plan Hobbit inspired snacks You take to dressing in characther just to go to the store. You check this board more the 50 times a day

You could be a Rabid Tolkien Fan if... Posted by Niniel on Ringbearer.org

~You hate spiders and shout "Spawn of Shelob!" every time you see one. ~You cringe every time you hear kids called "my precious." ~"Foul dwimmerlaik" is one of your most frequently used expletives. ~You laugh inanely everytime you even *think* of the Balrog Wing Debate. ~Your child comes home crying that the kids at school teased him and called him Legless Legolas. ~You dream that you see an advertisement on television for LORD OF THE RINGS BEER. ~You wear your brother's gray graduation gown, your mother's old angel halo, adn your father's Spock ears, and call it an Elf costume. ~You tame the skinny, green-eyed, cat who bit off the jeweler's middle finger, telling your incredulous friends that you feel he may have an important part e'er the end. ~You are arrested for ramming into a car with a bumper sticker reading, "Tolkien Sucks!" --Niniel, who may have spent too much time wandering naked in the woods.

Ioan=Eowyn!!!????!!!! Posted by Dr.Andreas on Ringbearer.org

It just occured to me(probably because I'm sleep deprived) that the pronunciation of welsh actor Ioan Griffiths first name is said to be "yowan".His name was bandied about here earlier as a possible choice for Legolas.Maybe there's still a part available for him!!!?? It seems that one possible pronunciation of Eowan is yowan, if you don't emphasize the first E. If you wanted to say the name in a hurry this would be a probable pronunciation.such as young Eomer:"Yowaaaan where's my buckler and my sheild, have you been playing with 'em again." Wormtongue:"Yowan! dammit get in here and sweep this meade hall, you a sheild maiden or what!" So does this synchonicity mean something, I know he's the wrong gender, but if Eowen can pose as a guy why not a guy to play Eowen. He WAS an awfully cute Horatio Hornblower and by the way there's another name synchonicity. You'll notice there were Hornblowers at Bilbo and Frodo's party. Considering Horatio's initial unfortunate propensity for seasickness you can imagine He might be a distant descendant of some boat-shy Hobbit.

Classics Revisited Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

Hi, folks! I've attached my latest survey of Tolkien as a college topic. It seems that one of us Tolkien fans sneaked into the library on campus here and changed some titles in the computer system. In looking for some masterpieces of literature, here's what I came up with....(see below) Signed, Guthlaf, the Inspector. _______________________________________ THE CLASSICS Three Elves in a Boat--To Say Nothing of the Dwarf (Jerome K. Jerome) The Fall of the House of Baggins (Edgar Allen Poe) The Call of the Ring (Jack London) To Kill a Dwimmerlaik (Harper Lee) Sam the Obscure (Thomas Hardy) Uncle Sam's Cabin (Harriet Beecher Stowe) The Hound of the Bagginsvilles (Arthur Conan Doyle) 20,000 Hobbits Under The Sea (Jules Verne) The Brothers Brandybuck (Fyodor Dostoyevksy) The Adventures of Bucklebury Finn (Mark Twain) Frankensmeagol (Mary Shelley) The Scarlet Rune (Nathaniel Hawthorne) Alice in Hobbiton (Lewis Carroll) Wuthering Hobbits (Emily Bronte) The Picture of Grima Wormtongue (Oscar Wilde) The Red Badge of Mordor (Stephen Crane) Much Ado About Jewelry (William Shakespeare) The Merry Wives of Denethor (William Shakespeare) Mirkwood and Other Writings (Henry David Thoreau) Strider's Travels (Jonathan Swift) The Wings of the Balrog (Henry James) This Side of Lorien (F. Scott Fitzgerald) The Great Gollum (F. Scott Fitzgerald) The Island of Dr. Saruman (H.G. Wells) Invisible Elf (Ralph Ellison) Around The Ring In 80 Days (Jules Verne) A Day in the Life of Grima Wormtongue (Leo Tolstoy) A Portrait Of The Dark Lord As A Young Man (James Joyce) All Quiet on the Eastern Front (Erich Maria Remarque) The Hobbit of Notre-Dame (Victor Hugo) The Wormtongue Letters (C.S. Lewis) Pride and Pippin (Jane Austen) ________________________________ OK, that's all for now, folks! Enjoy!

Post in ref. to killing of orcs and other evil things discussion Posted by Canadian guy on Ringbearer.org

I agree. And after reading all the following threads, it seems people have taken this way too far. Lighten up, this is fiction! On a related note, what would you have done with all the other evil creatures? Let them produce offspring, and live happily ever after in their cozy homes, while wreaking havoc on innocents? I'm talking about trolls, and dragons (having never heard of a 'good' Tolkien dragon), and Balrogs! "Weheee, ma! Look! There goes the Balrog family! Look at em rip our neighbours apart for sport! Ahh... Bless those souls. See, they're just out for lunch." "Now you just leave them be, son! They need to live too, just like the rest of us! Now hurry on, before they come over... and when they do, be polite!" Sorry... bad humour, I guess. :)

Top 10 Reasons Balrogs make bad pets... Posted by RingFinger on Ringbearer.org

10) They bite vital things off of you when you cuddle. 9) You can house train them, but they shred your laundry. 8) What's that smell? 7) Children = snacks. 6) Wizards come knocking, looking for fights. 5) Dwarves come knocking, kick you in shins. 4) After over-zealous family barbecue, Fire Insurance hikes up your premiums. 3) Where to hide the bodies? 2) They leave traceable marks on your friends and relatives. And the number one reason Balrogs make bad pets... 1) It's too easy to trip over their wings in the dark.

"Ai Ai a Balrog" Translation - update Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

I was thinking more about the "Ai Ai a Balrog" translation, (see below for earlier post from a few days ago) and I recalled that there was also a plural form : "Ai Vai" (pronounced oy vay) which meant "Oh great, not only do I have to sleep with a bunch of Dwarves, but now I have to face a..." . It is a little used slang, since few, save Dwarves themselves, would ever sleep with a bunch of Dwarves and they were unlikely to use and Elvish slang. The phrase was actually popularized by one Bilbo Baggins, a Hobbit of some renown. The original Red Book, which Bilbo wrote the early chapters, contains several passages, "Ai Vai Smaug" was uttered more than once, as well as "Ai Vai Spiders" , "Ai Vai Lobelia" ... When the story was published, the language was removed for reasons unknown. Bilbo used to amuse his friends with, actually became quite a comic in later years. When he left Hobbiton for good, his old jokes had grown stale, he went to Dale in search of an audience among his old friends, but his "humor" was not appreciated. He finally settled into the Rivendell Resort in the Misty Mountains as a headliner in the Hall of Fire, where his stories were always welcome. I have a vague memory of a Quenya-English slang dictionary from a long time ago. If I remember correctly a single "Ai" indeed meant "alas" but the "Double Ai" , sometimes known as the DA, was a seldom used elvish idiom which approximates in English to: "Oh great, not only do I have to sleep with a Dwarf, but now I have to face a .." In normal usage the DA would then be followed by whatever trouble (or terror as for Legolas) inspired the epithet in the first place, as in "Ai Ai Uma". Occasionally, the "Ai Ai" phrase would be used alone, usually in a derogatory manner: "Go sleep with a Dwarf". I'm sorry I dont have a clicky thingy for the slang dictionary, but if I find it, I will post it here.

Wild Rabbit Fricassee Posted by Tolman Gamgee on Ringbearer.org

2 young wild rabbits 3/4 cup oil 2 cups flour 2 cups chopped onions 1 cup chopped celery 1 cup chopped bell pepper 2 tbsp diced garlic 1 cup diced tomatoes 2 cups sliced oyster mushrooms 2 cups beef or chicken stock salt and cracked black pepper to taste Cut rabbit into 8 pieces. In a 1 gallon black iron pot, heat oil over medium high heat. Dredge rabbit in flour and brown well on all sides in hot oil. Remove rabbit from pot and set aside. In same oil add onions, celery, bell pepper, tomatoes and garlic. Saute until veggies are wilted, about three to five minutes. Return rabbit to pot and stir well into veggies. Add mushrooms and stock. Season to taste using salt and black pepper. Bring stock to a light boil, reduce heat to simmer, cover pot and allow to braise for one and a half hours. Rabbit will be done when tender to the touch. Add stock if mixture becomes too dry. Adjust seasoning to taste. You can add taters if you want. Just be sure to watch that your fire doesn't start smoking. :-) -TG

Great Chefs of Middle Earth Posted by ithilien on Ringbearer.org

I was watching Great Chefs of the World on the Discovery Channel yesterday, and I thought, hey - what about ME chefs sharing recipes? So here goes: Bilbo's Short Order Tea Party Selections Galadriel's Holiday Lembas Butterbur's Famous Cake Cram for All Seasons Orc Grog

Re:Smaug VS. Balrog:BATTLE ROYAL Posted by Mr. Fantasimile on Ringbearer.org

ANNOUNCER:We've got a hot match tonight! It's Smaug vs. That Balrog:BATTLE ROYAL! In the Red Corner, we have Smaug! slayer of dwarves, hoarder of treasures, waster of lands! In the Black Corner, we have the Balrog, that evil servant of Morgoth, the terror from below, a Maiar with a killing desi-ar! ANNOUNDER2:Let's great ready to rummmmmmmmmmmmble! ANNOUNDER:Annnnd, Smaug's approaching the Balrog...they're discussing it...they're shaking talons...they've worked out their differences peacefully! And there you have it!

LOTR-The Ride? Posted by Gil-Galad on Ringbearer.org

Coming soon to a theme park near you... Soar on either an Eagle or a Nazgul as you are whisked past the dangers of Middle Earth! Plunge into the Depths of Moria, chased by a Balrog! Climb the trees of Lothlorien with the fair elvenkind! Whitewater raft the mighty River Anduin, dodging Orc arrows! Speed along into battle beside the charging Rohirrim! Etc., etc. Ahhh. Wouldn't it be cool?

Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org It could be done like a combination Indiana Jones/Splash MT ride. The entrance is Hollin Gate, the line leads you through Moria. You wait in the Chamber of Records . When the Orcs attack, you flee down the stairs, across the bridge and out the door into the woods of Lorien. Enter your Canoes and proceed down the Nimrodel past Lorien and into Anduin . Down the River to the shores of Amon Hen.(Past orcs, Nazgul and possible with Gollum in wet pursuit). Where you depart for the gift shop to pick up your LOTR Tshirts, or the Prancing Pony Inn for a hearty meal of Balrog Wings and A side of Rings.

Did the fellowship have wings? Posted by Pipe Smoke on Ringbearer.org

as Gandalf fell into the pit in Moria, he clearly told the fellowship to "fly" Doesn't this imply that the fellowship had wings? Some have asked, why didn't Gandalf fly out of the pit then? well, the same reason the winged Balrog didn't... whatever that is. Why didn't Frodo and Sam fly themselves off of Mount Doom, or to Mount Doom for that matter? well, they were worn out, in both cases... but in the latter, it was mainly because it would've attracted too much attention and the Nazgul were in the air aswell. I think it's pretty clear, the entire fellowship had wings.

Great trailer for the movie! Posted by Vqadude on Ringbearer.org

It starts out: "In the Third Age of Middle Earth, four hobbits set out on a dangerous quest to rid the world of the greatest evil ever known..." "Frodo"-Closeup of CGI-shrunk Elijah Wood: "Sam"-Closeup of CGI-shrunk Sean Astin "Merry"-Closeup of CGI-shrunk Dominic Monaghan "and Pippen"-Closeup of full-sized Scottie Pippen Scotty: (dressed like hobbits but with a basketball) "What?" "Join them on their journey, Summer 2001" Scotty: (Looking at the ponies) "How the hell am I supposed to ride this?" ;-)

chatting up...LOTR turndaowns or acceptances Posted by Isiltariel on Ringbearer.org

Galadriel: "you can look, but don't touch (the water)" OR: "I'm...fading...take me away...from all this...death" Arwen: "Do you know who my father is?" OR: "sorry, you're too young for me" OR: (the necrophiliac answer) "so you're a mortal. I like that whole death thing in a man...purrrr" Eowyn: "f*ck off you sexist bastard!" OR: "ride on baby!"/"I'd love to ride your horse"...and other unpleasant equestrian euphemisms OR: " well your not a king but hey, I'll settle for a Prince" any others?

Middle-Earth pick up lines Posted by Pooh Bear on Ringbearer.org

I noticed yesterday when some of the female posters here displayed thier photos that the male posters were all over them like a bunch of hyenas around a fresh kill. It got me to thinking, how do people pick up eachother in the various bars and nightclubs of ME? ARAGORN: "Hey Baby, check out my sword, yeah I know its broken, but it still gets the job done!" Nazgul: "Once you Black Rider, you never go back!" Frodo: "married? oh no, this is just the ring of the Dark lord. Gimli: "Ya Know what they say babe, Miners do it deeper" Gollum: "hey there Preciousss...hey WAIT, COME BACK! Orc: "SNORT,SNORT,GROWL,SNORT" SAM: "Mr. Frodo, we should huddle together for warmt

A Silly Survey... Posted by Inferno on theOneRing.net

I saw a 'Darth Vader for President in 2000' website the other day. Not wanting to let LotR be outdone by Star Wars (although I love SW too), I propose the following question: Which LotR character would you vote for as President of the US in 2000? And why? Non US residents can do this too, I'm not biased) =) Let's save the Silmarillion for another list, though. Here's my vote: Gollum. Here's Why: He's very easy to please. Give him fish everyday, and he's happy. He doesn't discriminate against any group, as he'll hobnob with orcs as easily as hobbits. He's very helpful and eager to please others, so his foreign policy should be straightforward. Also, I don't think that we'd have to worry about Gollum having an affair with a White House intern. ;)

Tolkien Classes In The Year 2050 Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org

Hey, everyone, your local literature student dropping in for a quick laugh. You know how one thing we love to do in literature classes is analyze 100-year-old works in light of contemporary (i.e., modern) issues? (Sometimes we take this too far!) Well, out of sheer, cat-killing curiosity, I borrowed my friend's time machine today and stopped by 2050 to see what Tolkien classes they were offering on the East Coast. Here are some of the titles. Enjoy! (Note: These will be funnier if you have taken literature classes. On the other hand, I can't guarantee that these are funny at all. Just sift through and fine the good ones.) (Final Disclaimer: The opinions of the professors who came up with the classes listed below are not necessarily those of the Guthlaf Estate. In particular, I'm going to wait and see whether Liv Tyler can act well, with the highest hopes to that effect, and I apologize ahead of time for the little joke below at her expense. Anyway, bear with me! I just needed a little comic relief....) ________________________________________________________ TOLKIEN CLASSES At Yale: Engl 303. Tolkien and Naturalism: The Paradox of the Furry Feet. Engl 305. Tolkien: Life, Death, Love, and War. Engl 312. Environmentalist Writers of the Twentieth Century. Engl 329. Dead White Male Middle-Class British Authors of the Twentieth Century. Engl 332. Dead White Male Middle-Class British Catholic Authors of the Twentieth Century. Engl 345. Tolkien and the Bourgeoisie (Hobbits: What Were They THINKING?). Engl 357. Gender and Class in Tolkien. Honors 255. Cross-Dressing in Tolkien. Honors 256. Queer Theory Applied to Tolkien. Honors 322. Tolkien Translations: The Swedish Translation, The Russian Translation, and The Californian "Totally Tubular" Translation. At UCLA: Engl 212. The Modern Epic: Tolkien. Engl 381. Tolkien: Life, Death, Love, War, and More Death. Engl 397. Tolkien and Capitalism. Engl 398. Tolkien and Marxism. Engl 399. Tolkien and Capitalism and Marxism. Engl 502. Tolkien and the Medieval Romance: The Hobbit in Shining Armor. Honors 301. Balrogs: Wings Or Not? Honors 324. Tolkien: Hobbits as a Commercial Inspiration for Beanie Babies, Teletubbies, and Furbies. At Berkeley: Honors 102. Hobbit Picnics, Pop Music, Tolkien, and the Hippie Movement: Analyzing the Chaos of Late Twentieth Century Insanity. Honors 123. Tolkien: The Ring and the A-Bomb. Honors 298. Tolkien And Mythology: Dragons, Knights, and Hobbits (What Were They THINKING?) Honors 334. Tolkien and the Volcano Worshipers Cult. Honors 389. Tolkien and the Movies: A Late Twentieth-Century Filming Nightmare. Honors 389-B. Liv Tyler: What Were They THINKING? Honors 415. The Tolkien Genealogy: An Analysis of Gildor's Ancestry and Its Import in the Discourse of the Peter Jackson Generation. Honors 461. Ents and Tree-Huggers: An Analysis of Environmental Concerns in the Late Twentieth Century. Honors 499. Tolkien: Aragorn, Clint Eastwood, and The Lone Ranger.

C'mon people! You know Sauron is gay Posted by Imrahil on Ringbearer.org

Why else would he give the most rings to MEN? And that high tower, Barad-dur? Maybe he was wishfully thinking? And his attempt to stay in the closet by tellimg no one to sat his name. And everyone he's ever been 'good' to were men. Ar-Pharazon, Celebrimbor, Melkor. And what was he really doing with Haun? Yep, this case is air-tight.

King Wanted Posted by Meena1 on Ringbearer.org

KING WANTED: Must display definite leader abilities. Must display compitent medicinal knowledge and execution. REQUIRED EQUIPMENT: sword of Elendil JOB PRE- REQUISITE: must be from the line of Isildur. PAY AND BENEFITS: Any taxes or revenue that Gondor and Anor produces. Job security, unlimited coverage, pre-planned funeral and burial arrangements, plus marraige to Arwen Evenstar. All applications will be taken at the gates of Minas Tirith. phone: your nearest Palantir fax: ??? e-mail: ???

Cows in LOTR Posted by Hama on Ringbearer.org

Here are the current rumours. 1) Bill the pony will now become Bill the Heiffer! 2) The Black Riders will all ride prime black Aberdeen Angus from the Rhins of Kells. 3) The Balrog will be played by a Long Horn Bull from Texas by the name of Kenneth. 4) Arwen will have two pet Guernsey calfs, one called Elladan, the other called Elrohir. and finally 5) They are going to use some especially large bulls and cows for hobbiton so that the hobbits look the right size. I can't remember the name of the bull, TBHL had it but they've now gone to the wall. All I can say is that he was big. Hama.

Domesticated Animals Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

The apparent absence of any Sheepherders, Cowpokes, or Hogcallers in Middle Earth and the fact that people are not Vegetarians (note the Conies, rashers etc) can mean only one thing: that they all live on Balrog Wings. Fried, Boiled, Fricassed . This explains all this confusion about Balrogs having wings. The "No Wing" movement was started by environmentalists back in the Second Age who feared that Balrogs were becoming extinct, due to the demand for Balrog wings as the major source of protien in ME diets. Eventually this "rumor" was taken as fact (see Global Warming) and thus even today the issue is highly contentious. I hope this will help resolve this issue once and for all. Scientifically yours, DC

LOTR Dating Game Volume #1 Posted by the Beanie Wienie on Ringbearer.org

Tee hee, you must pic either bachelor or bachelorette #1-3. Bachelor #1: I'm a hobbit from the Shire. I like mushrooms, I live in a very fancy hobbithole, and I am sometimes known as the Ringbearer. Bachelor #2: I like fish, I 'm rather nasty, my precious, and I love nothing but my precious, oh my precious! Bachelor #3: I am an elf from Mirkwood. I like trees, and my best friend is a dwarf named Gimli. Bachelorette #1: I am a shield-maiden of Rohan. I am golden-haired and like riding into battle disguised as a ride known as Dernhelm. Bachelorette #2: I am a huge nasty spider. I like trapping and eating my victims. I also met up with a nasty little hobbit who poked me with his blade. Bachelorette #3: I am a young elf maiden, known as the Evenstar of my people. My father Elrond half-elven said that I shall not marry anyone less than the king of Gondor. Tee hee, tell me which bachelor or bachelorette you chose and how your date went. The more creative, the better. =)

Tornados and Meteors in LOTR Posted by Feataure on Ringbearer.org

I was wondering how you think they'll handle the special effects for all the Natural disasters in LOTR. I'd love to see the Tornado that picks up Frodo's burrow and drops it on Sauron's little brother! And the Meteor that destroys the Shire! And the flood in Rivendell (okay, so that one's for REAL)! And... Ah. Ya gotta love Hollywood. Just lookin' forward to these movies... aren't we?

Posted by Guthlaf on Ringbearer.org Say, you forgot about a few other dramatic moments: When the big Gondoria hits an iceberg and goes down with nearly all hands; When Gollum Kong the giant gorilla escapes and rages across Mirkwood in a mad search for the Ringbearer; When the Ringwraiths throw Sauron down the volcano at the end of the movie; Etc.

Battle Cries Posted by Pooh Bear on Ringbearer.org

I was just flipping through the first few pages of The Two Towers, Boromir has just sounded his horn and Aragorn comes crashing through the woods brandishing his sword and shouting "Elendil!Elendil!"...I don't know, but this just doesn't strike me as the kind of thing that would intimidate an orc. If I wanted to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, I'd probably shout something more along the lines of "SATAN! SATAN! SEE YOU IN HELL! ARRRRRRRR!". I'm sure we can all come up with some more effective battle cries.

A Trip to Middle Earth Posted by the nazgurl on Ringbearer.org

Glorfindel and Treebeard would be high on my list too. Maybe I should have asked the age-old "if you could invite four people to dinner" question. For me: Elrond Balrog Treebeard Gandalf What a spirited dinner chat that would be as they all looked back on the Third Age! Gandalf: "well, if you hadn't wrapped that whip around my ankles!!..." Balrog: "Dammit, I'd been sleeping for eons and your half-pint friend was making all that racket and those stupid Orcs had drank all the coffee....I was cranky!"

Sting Sound FX-Exclusive Rumor!!! Posted by Pooh Bear on Ringbearer.org

In response to criticism for lack of English actors in the cast, Peter Jackson has hired musician/actor Sting as the "voice" of the legendary weapon "Sting". The ex-Police frontman will belt out a sereies of high pitched wailing sounds that will be used to accent the dagger's magical properties as it slices through evil foes.

Alternate Endings...

Posted by the Monkeyman on Ringbearer.org After the end credits roll on "The Return of the king" PJ could cut to a close up of the ring lying on a rocky outcroup within Mount Doom. Sauron's hand could reach across and pick up the ring, cue sinister laughter and the words "The End?" - thus, setting things up for even more sequels.

Posted by the Angela on Ringbearer.org I think it would be even funnier if he reached for the ring, slowly, slowly... the suspense is killing us... and just as he reaches the ring with the tips of his blackened fingers, somebody STOMPED on his hand! Then, defeated and broken, the black hand of Sauron slowly turns to the sky and in a last gesture of malice, gives us... the bird.

Posted by the Morgoth on Ringbearer.org Better still, show Gollum in Mount Doom, sitting on a rock in the middle of a huge lava chamber, wielding the Ring, shouting "My Precious is back!"

Posted by the Whistler on Ringbearer.org Frodo awakens in his hobbit-hole and says: "It was all a dream! There's noplace like home!"

Suspiciously little-known facts...

Posted by Angela on Ringbearer.org Hi ho, So I was doing some research and found a few silly Tolkien facts to share with you (Guthlaf, Hama, Rosie, Tolman, Mina and company especially, have at me!). It was so cool to see all the silly posts up here, so I did a few more. Some of these are really bad... ;-) so shoot me, I'm on a deadline and would rather do THIS...! LOL... But seriously, everything that follows is true... LITTLE-KNOWN LOTR FACTS: 1. Legolas did not take a ship to the Undying Lands sooner because one of those gulls he was so poetic about pooped mightily on his blond/black hair when he was right in the middle of an Ode to Arod. It really ticked him off for a century or two. He got sick when he even thought about the beach for awhile there. 2. Tolkien originally wrote the book with light-sabers (versus swords) but reconsidered, fearing that moment that always comes in a Star Wars film, when one character screams, "My light-saber is bigger than yours!" Lucas, however, was braver, so the rest is history... 3. The Wood-Elves invented Malomars, Nilla Wafers, canned whipping cream, 'Smores, pecan pie, barbecues, micro-brews, and OFF (in original and Spring scents). 4. Samwise took so long to get to the Grey Havens that last time (after giving the Red Book to Elanor) because he forgot to get the @#(*U&% compass back from Frodo. 5. Frodo's ship to the Undying Lands was called "The Boba Two" 6. The Elves also invented Syntha-hol, previously thought to be a Star Trek invention. Tolkienites, however, point out that elves are pretty much always eating and drinking throughout LOTR (when they're not nodding gravely, that is) and yet you never see a drunk Elf anywhere. 7. The much-discussed Bridge-of-Khazad-Dum Balrog (Balroganus Morianus, otherwise known as Ralph) was born with wings, heard about the hoopla, had them surgically removed, then reattached them with a lovely mauve velcro that was much admired at family reunions... 8. The Unknown Black Rider's name was Twinkletoes (affectionately referred to by the other riders as 'Twinkie' ever since that unfortunate tripping-into-the-river-at-Rivendell incident). You can see why he kept this to himself. 9. Denethor did not kill himself over Faramir's fever. The truth is far more terrifying. Fact is, Denethor jumped on the pyre when he realized that AT&T DID in fact bill him for those long-distance calls on the Palantir. He'd just gotten the bill (back-dated 15 years or so) when Pippin showed up... His last words are reported as being, "But I thought I was using 1-800-COLLECT!" AND FINALLY... 10. Aragorn's beloved sword Anduril was originally named... Junior.

Last Hobbit Sighting

Posted by the Gaffer on Ringbearer.org The last reported sighting of anyone seeng a living hobbit was when somewere cast as Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz. Some say they either died of shame or are into hiding when people tried to ask them how to get over the rainbow.

Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org Actually I believe that one of the Tooks tried out for the role of Yoda in the Empire Strikes back, but lost out to a puppet.

Posted by Meena on Ringbearer.org I heard that they are all hiding in the sweaty folds of Marlon Brando's gut Webmaster's note: ...bleeecchhh...

Worst Tolkien Hack Posted by Azure Tyger on Ringbearer.org

The recent discussions of bad Tolkien imitators made me recall a series of books I read in the mid 80s called THE IRON TOWER TRILOGY. As I recall, even as a teenager, I was shocked and amazed by this author's (can't remember the name) flagarant theft of JRRT's themes and ideas. These books get my vote as worst of the worst of Tolkien imposters: The four main protagonists were dimunitive yet brave people called Warrows, who had their own land partially surrounded by a giant hedge. They get caught up in a great war to defeat the evil Dark King who retuned after eons in banishment to conquer the land (a name which was suspiciously like Middle Earth). He took up residence in his ancient fortress: The Iron Tower, and began to wage war on the free peoples of the world. There are gratuitous elves and dwarves, one of whom is named Gildor, and a disenfranchised human prince whose walled city on a hill was overthrown by the dark army. (Oh, and that army was protected by a magic night created by the Dark King.) There was a key quest to destroy some mighty artifact that would also bring down the Dark King (some day-glow meteorite thing). The dwarves had been driven from their ancient mountain homeland by an ageless and terrible horror of the old world (a mix between a Balrog and a Velociraptor) while mining too deep for ore. The heroes, coincidentally, had to pass through this realm on their quest. The gate was, amazingly, guarded by a giant squid-like monster in a lake. Rounding out this extraordinairy counterfeit: Elves could leave the mortal world by riding the "sunset path" into the west. The book even claimed to be a compilation from histories recorded by the Warrow hero and his descendants. If anyone can do better than this, they win a goldfish.

Is LOTR Racist? Posted by Weathertop on Ringbearer.org

It's not racist if you realize the Hobbits represent Rastafarians. And the Elves are actually Asian representations, and the Rohirrim were native Americans and everyone knows the Dwarves were in truth New Yorkers in disguise. Puh-leeze.

On the subject of wether LOTR is racist or not, I found one particularly great post at the RB message board dealing with this oft-debated matter. This post was in response to a customer's book review at Amazon.com. It's here if you're interested. I know it's not humor but it's my page and I can do what I likes!!!

Cirdan's Beard Posted by r.austin on theOneRing.net

Celebrimbor was a great practical joker and put a hair growing enchantment on the ring of fire! As proof there is a 8 X 10 glossy photo of a clean-shaven Gandalf getting off the boat. And don't get me started on how long it took Galadriel to get rid of that mustache

A Cautionary Tale Posted by GunRay at AICN

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away a legion of bespectacled beings know as FANBOYS awaited the SECOND COMING. It was to come in the form of a phantom. One who would spread its menace upon the land inspiring its minions to go forth and gaze upon its splendor. Alas, when the fabled phantom finally made its presence felt, the FANBOYS grew restless. "It does not illuminate the land! It has not shown us the path to the almighty!!!" they cried. Hence, the once mighty legion became divided, those who remained loyal, and those who eschewed the once illustrious Son of Lucas. Then there are those who yet turned to a different LORD. One which harbours a ring. A Son of Jackson. "He will be the source from which our lifeforce will spring eternal!!" they rejoiced. But a small few who sat back and quietly enjoyed the many small thrills of Phantom, and who are quietly awaiting the arrival of the Lord, are the group who remain strong. With dignity in tact they are the ones for whom the world is alright. Peace to all.

If Arwen's role is expanded... Posted by Dunadan Companion on Ringbearer.org

Arwen (Liv) is bathing in the river at the ford as Frodo approaches being chased by the Black Riders. The Riders get one look a Arwen and forget all about the Ring and jump into to water. but the water is icy cold and even Arwen nakedness cannot rouse them to action. In their shame they lose control and are washed downstream as Arwen giggles. That will bring in the teenage males.

Curious License Plate Posted by Spork on theOneRing.net

I was on may way back to work tonight when I noticed that the car in front of me had a license plate that read 'ELF DIP.' ??? Something they serve at parties at Minas Morgul, perhaps? :)

What happened to Frodo in the Undying Lands?

Posted by Dunadan Companion at Ringbearer.org That he lived on through several ages of man, finally dying of shame after starring as a member of the Lollipop League in the Wizard of Oz.

Posted by Tolman Gamgee at Ringbearer.org I hear that he went to the mountains so he could "find himself". It gets pretty cold up there and, well Jeremiah Johnson, he's up there still. If you catch my drift. ;-)

Can Frodo handle the strong stuff? Posted by Kal on Ringbearer.org

It's time to discuss an issue of outmost importance :-) Exactly how drunk did Frodo get at the Prancing Pony? A precise measure of his ethanol intoxication level is never given by Tolkien, but there are some hints. 1. The company arrived at Bree being exhausted, thirsty and hungry. At PP they quench their thirst with beer. I suppose you are all familiar of the normal consequences of such behaviour. 2. One of the four hobbits goes out to 'get some air'. Personally I have never heard that phrase used in a pub by anyone who haven't had too much to drink. 3. In the current situation it is not wise to attract too much attention. But for some reason, Frodo is easily convinced that singing a song about a flying cow is a great idea. Was PP some sort of Karaoke bar? 4. When he finally has finished his song, he gets another great idea: to sing the damned song one more time, but this time while dancing on the table. Does that seem like a thing a sober person would do? 5. Later that night, the hobbits are so firmly asleep that they never even notice that a bunch of Nazgul are going berzerk in the room next door. So my question is was Frodo: A) absolutely sober, unaffected by his beverage intake B) 'just in a good mood' C) incredibly drunk

That Dernhelm...

Eowyn's Little Secret Posted by Finriel on theOneRing.net Of course, one might also wonder if any of the other Riders of Rohan ever said, "Hey, whenever we take a rest break, that Dernhelm is always sneaking off into the woods. I've never seen him relieve himself against a tree like the rest of us."

Or ;) Posted by creamy goodness on theOneRing.net Or how about: "How come Dernhelm over there doesn't scratch himself in the manly manner that we do? Strange methinks. Mayhap he is a dwimmercrafty one who has discovered bathing and personal hygene?"

Responses to: Does anyone know the name of the 9 Ringwraiths?

Posted by Finarfin on Ringbearer.org Or, more importantly, WHO was everybody's FAVORITE ringwraith? I'll start it off. Mine was the third from the left...he just seemed more sensitive and vulnerable than the other eight. He was like a lost little boy trying to fill a wraith's robes.

Posted by Legolamb on Ringbearer.org Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, Keanu, and Keanu.

Response to 'casting women for male elves'

Posted by greenleaf on AICN Actresses to play male Elves? God! The Elves will look gayer than ever! I always thought Gimli and Legolas' relation was a bit suspicious ("Gimli, as ever, rode upon Arod with Legolas"... hold me tight, Gimli, yea, that's it... O Elbereth!...); this would definitely settle it! Should the men from Buckland be women too? Remember what the Gaffer said of "those queer Bucklanders" at the Green Dragon... Anyway: bad, bad idea.

Joke

Posted by Troy Walden on Ringbearer.org Three Rangers of Ithilien are sitting around a campfire, within the fair scented forest. Each with the bravado for which the men of Gondor are famous, a night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest Ranger there is. Why, just the other day, an oliphant came crashing through the trees, gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the tusks, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a giant venomous spider leapt on me from the trees. I grabbed that spider with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third Ranger remained silent, ......slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Posted by Mithlond on Ringbearer.org Three rangers sitting around a campfire, two older, one younger. The younger of the three had cooked up a dinner while the older two had been out scouting all day. One of the older ones said, "That was good chow boy, where'd you get the meat?" Resisting the urge to spin a yarn, the lad replied, "Awe, I didn't go hinting or nothin', I just went ahead and slaughtered up that goat that you guys tied up to that tree this mornin'." The two older rangers' jaws dropped as the looked at eachother with a gasp. "What's the matter," the lad said nervously, "did I screw up the cookin'?" They looked at him scornfully and one said, "no, ya little knucklehead, ya cooked up the SCREWIN'"

Back to the main page

Webmaster: Sharkens (sharkens@hotmail.com)