South Park: Angband comes to South Park

If you crossed LOTR with South Park... Posted by Vdude on Ringbearer.org

...you'd get "Tolkien Park" FRODO: "Hey Sam, there's Rosie Cotton!" ROSIE: "Hi Sam!" SAM: (vomits) (Gandalf arrives) GANDALF: "I have some very bad news for you. Your ring is the One Ring sought by the Dark Lord. You're in great danger!" FRODO: "Great. Tell me, if it was so dangerous, why the (BLEEP!) did you let me hold onto this (BLEEP!)ing ring?! GANDALF: "Because if you let go of it the Ring might have fallen into the wrong hands. You have to hold onto the Ring...like a woman, tightly, never letting go, never giving in to the desire to use it... (starts singing) the desire that drives you out of your mind but makes you feel so fine...the desire that gets into your head and drives you into her bed and get some of that sweet, sweet lovin'..." FRODO: "GANDALF!" GANDALF: "Whoops! Sorry, I got a little sidetracked. Anyway, take the Ring to Rivendell. On the way, you can stop at this inn..." (at the Prancing Pony) PIPPIN: "Sam, do you have any Cheezy Lembas?" SAM: "Dude, that cloaked guy is motioning to us!" BARLIMAN: "Ees a ranger-tough, but a little tooched in the 'ead, if you know what I mean." STRIDER: "Hi, I'm Strider, a friend of Gandalf's. I have an important message for you, isn't that right Mr. King?" (holds up little hand puppet with a ranger's cloak and winged crown) STRIDER: (in falsetto) "Oh, yes Strider! We're here to help you to Riverdell and avoid the Ringwraiths." (other bar patrons roll their eyes) SAM: "Um, that's fine, as long as you remember to take your Prozac." (Gathered around the fire at Weathertop) STRIDER: "Look out, the Ringwraiths are going to attack!" (The Nazgul Lord draws his sword and dagger and lunges towards Frodo, but misses and stabs a heavily cloaked Merry instead) FRODO: "Oh my God! He killed Merry!" SAM: "You bastard!"

The confusing world of the LOTR Movie. Posted by Hama on Ringbearer.org

Given all the “Yes, she might be Galadriel!” and “No, he may not be Wormtongue!” rumours that are flying about, and accepting all the rigidly defined areas of uncertainty that abound in the murky world of LOTR movie rumours, I found myself wondering what the effect would be if Tolkien had been blundering about in a similar fog of rumour, innuendo and hearsay when he wrote the book. Here is my take on it. The Long Expected Party. Bilbo blew three loud blasts on the horn, and then, after hesitating for a moment, a fourth blast. Everyone looked about, trying to work out where the sound was coming from. Bilbo shouted at them. “Over here, all of you. I might have something further to say.” Silence descended. “Thank you.” He said. ”So, given that this may, or may not, be my birthday, and that I am uncertain how many of you are here and whether or not I like you at all, I have a message for those of you who are, indeed, here.” Bilbo fiddled with something in his pocket. Many of the assembled hobbits looked up at him uncertainly. “This is just to say that I am leaving, I am going, NOW! Goodbye.” The hobbits all looked surprised. Bilbo was still fiddling furiously with something in his pocket. “Or maybe I’m not.” Bilbo grinned sheepishly, now bent double as he played with whatever it was he had hold of in his pocket. “Then again…” Bilbo flickered for a moment and then vanished. Everybody looked about and complete confusion descended. Gandalf stepped forward. “Urm…excuse me…wasn’t I supposed to make an explosion or something?” The Shadow of the Past. “So you are saying that this ring belongs to Sauron, the dark lord?” Gandalf peered at the fire. “I am saying it might be.” Frodo frowned. “And that this Sauron is evil?” Gandalf nodded. “That’s the rumour.” “And that Isildur defeated him and took the ring?” “It could well be that that is what happened. Elrond wasn’t too sure.” “And then Gollum got it and passed it on to Bilbo?” Gandalf peered at Frodo. “That is what I have been led to believe, yes.” “But isn’t that why you have been away? To find all this out?” Gandalf made chewing motions and looked pained. “It could be. It could be. My memory isn’t what it was, you know.” He looked up. “There is a test you might want to try.” “A test? Should I?” Frodo looked puzzled and Gandalf shook his head. “I don’t know. I am uncertain. But should you want to test whether this ring does belong to Sauron, or not as the case may be, then you should throw it into the fire here.” He pointed at the glowing coals. “Then again, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Frodo shook his head and, after fumbling about in his pockets, brought out the ring. “I am not sure,” he said, “what do you think?” Gandalf shrugged. There came a thunderous knock on the front door. Both Frodo and Gandalf jumped. Frodo got up and opened it. A large black figure stood there, a man, swathed in a black cloak. No face was visible in the shadow of his hood. Frodo shrank back in fear. The dark figure spoke. “Excuse me, but, are you Frodo Baggins?” Frodo looked back at Gandalf. “Am I?” “Don’t ask me. You know what my memory is like.” Frodo looked back at the black figure. “Why do you want know?” He asked, stalling. Something in the way the black rider moved its head seemed to suggest that it was very confused. “I don’t actually know. Look, I’ll go away and come back when I’ve found out, OK?” Frodo nodded and closed the door. He looked out the window and watched as the black rider went back down the hill, stopping every hobbit he came across and asking “Are you Frodo Baggins?” Everybody just shook their heads and the black rider disappeared in a cloud of dejection. Frodo went back to Gandalf, but as he crossed to his chair, he tripped, and the ring went sailing from his hand into the fire. “My ring!” He cried. “It will melt!" He looked up at Gandalf. "Or will it?” Gandalf shrugged again. “It might, it might not.” Gandalf picked the ring out of the fire with some tongs. The ring was still cold, but fiery letters had appeared upon it, shining as if from some remote depth. “What do they say?” Asked Frodo. “Does this mean that this is the one ring?” Gandalf shook his head. “I have no idea.” He said. “It could just be “Made in Taiwan” for all I know.” Strider. “So who are you?” Said Sam. Strider looked confused for a moment and scratched the back of his head. “I’m descended from somebody.” He finally said. “Yes, that’s it. I’m definitely descended from somebody.” The Hobbits were impressed. They were not used to such forthright declarations. “And what is that in your pocket?” asked Sam, suspiciously. Strider brought out a broken sword. “What is it?” They all asked. “I’m not sure,” said Strider shaking his head. “But it’s mine.” He nodded decisively as he turned the broken pieces over and over in his hand. Barliman came in through the door. “Will you people be wanting supper?” They all frowned. “I don’t know, will we?” Asked Merry. Barliman shrugged. “I don’t know either, little master.” Pippin sat down in a corner, his head in his hands as he descended into a pit of terminal confusion. A Journey in the Dark. They stood around the tomb, heads bowed. A knock came on the door and an Orc leaned around it, a look of inquiry on its evil face. “Excuse me?” It said, “Aren’t you people trespassing?” The company looked at each other in confusion. Legolas ran his hands through his hair, but no one could tell if it was blond or not. He scratched an ear thoughtfully, but since it was hidden by the hair, you could not tell whether it was pointed or rounded. “Are we?” Asked Legolas. Gimli shrugged. “I thought you were.” Said Aragorn to the Orc. Boromir nodded. The Orc looked surprised. “Am I?” It said. “I’d better go and find out. Thank you.” The Orc vanished. The company turned back to the tomb. “What are we doing here, Gandalf?” Asked Pippin. “Beats me!” Said Gandalf. The Bridge on Khazad-Dum. They stood uncertainly on the bridge, confused by the fire. On the other sides of the fire, two Trolls came forward with huge pieces of stone. They both stopped at the chasm and stared at each other. They scratched their heads and turned back to the orcs holding up the pieces of stone. The orcs shrugged. Then they all drew back and a great darkness advanced. Of man shape it might have been, or maybe not, no one could tell, because a darkness was in it and surrounded it and went before it. Confused by this, the Trolls dropped their stones, which fell across the chasm. The dark shape crossed over the stone. “Ai, Ai.” Shouted Legolas, “I haven’t the faintest idea what that is.” Gimli dropped his axe and covered his eyes. “Neither have I.” He said. Gandalf ordered everyone off the bridge. “Look”, he said. “I don’t know what this is, but it might be a foe beyond all of you.” Gandalf looked puzzled for a moment. “Then again, it might not.” He said. “He cannot stand alone.” Said Aragorn. Boromir tapped him on the shoulder. “I thought he could?” He said. Aragorn looked perplexed. “Gandalf?” “Yes?” “Can you stand alone?” Gandalf shook his head. “I have no idea.” The dark shape leaped onto the bridge and its dark things that may or may not have been wings stretched from wall to wall. Gandalf stood before it like a wizened tree before a storm. “Correct me if I’m wrong,” he said, “but it occurs to me that you might not be able to pass.” "Then again," He added, "you might." Gandalf smiled helpfully. The flames that wreathed the dark shape dimmed. Then the dark shape fell to its knees and started sobbing inconsolably, obviously horribly confused. The bridge cracked under the strain and both Gandalf and the dark thing fell into the abyss. Gandalfs last words came to them out of the pit. “What’s going on?” he cried and then he was gone. Hama, confused by all this rumour and uncertainty.

Son Of Samwise Posted by A Kinder, Gentler Morgoth on Ringbearer.org

I was thinking, what would happen if you crossed the Lord of the Rings with the Son of Sam? Why, you'd have... The Son of Samwise It was a cool summer's night in the city of Gondor. The Lord Aragorn sat with his Elven bride Arwen by the newly planted White Tree. "Arwen," said he, "thy beauty doth exceedeth that of..." He stopped short in mid-sentance. His ears, heightened in keenness by many years as a Ranger heard a rustling in the nearby brush. "What is it?" Arwen asked. "And speak English!" "Shuteth thine mouth," Aragorn said. Suddenly, a swift arrow whistled through the air and pierced his throat. Arwen, horrified, turned only to see a tall figure seconds before she too was slain. Their blood forever stained the White Tree. The two were discovered soon by a paranoid guard who thought they had been gone a bit too long. The killer was long gone. The guard returned to Gondor and delivered the news to the city's Elders, and they were compelled to choose a new king. In keeping with the secret custom of Gondor that is only practiced when the king is killed by an unknown assassin and there is no heir, the Elders of Gondor all got drunk, sought out the village idiot, gave him a dozen pigs, and asked him to be king. The idiot did not know what to say. Because the custom continued, if the idiot refused this promotion, he was to be castrated and then stoned with his own genitals. However, if he accepted, the Elders would let out a drunken cheer and then carry him to the top of the tallest place they could find, where they would then stumble and drop the new king to his death. (They were drunk, remember..) So, the village idiot did the only intelligent thing he had ever done in his life: he ran like an oliphaunt in heat was after him. Unfortunately, he ran straight into Mordor, which still had those legions of Orcs and Trolls. His fate is not fit to print in detail, but here's a clue: Has there ever been any mention of a female Orc or Troll? So what happens when they get "in the mood"? The fool found out the painful way. And what happened to Aragorn and Arwen's bodies? Well, while the Elders were drunk, old Grima Wormtounge found them. Apparently, when the hobbits shot him, their arrows were pathetically weak and caused no more damage than a stinging fly. When the bodies were sought out for burial, only two skeletons and a fork and knife could be found. As Grima, overjoyed about the first real meal he'd had since Gandalf had him thrown out of Rohan, skipped through the forest he didn't see the shadowy figure until he almost crashed into it. "Hey, watch it jackass!" shouted Grima. He looked closer and thought he recognized him. "Say, aren't you that el-ugh!" He fell to the ground with an arrow through his heart. Three days later, the lady Eowyn was mourning the deaths of Aragorn and Arwen. Suddenly, she sensed danger, and whirled around, only to meet an onslaught of arrows. The killer dropped a note by her body. She was discovered later that day by Eomer, who, after seeing that her body was properly disposed of it in the nearest ditch, took the note to a linguist. "These runes are of the ancient Elvish tongue, and I have not seen the likes of them in many years," said the linguist. "Nonetheless, I will try: I am the monster, Moramarth, the Son of Samwise. I do not wish to kill, but father Samwise makes me do it. 'Boy! Go out thar and fetch me blood!' he'll say. So I go and kill. I cannot stop. To stop me, you must kill him. Signed, The Son of Samwise." "What does this mean?" Asked Eomer. "A psycho calling himself the Son of Samwise is killing people because someone named Samwise is telling him to. But I have no idea who Samwise is. Do you know anyone by that name?" "Hmmm," said Eomer, thinking. "I must go" he said, and left. By noon the next day, Eomer had mustered every rider in Rohan, and most of the riders in Gondor, and was preparing to invade the Shire. "Men," He began, "Your orders are simple: to find Sam Gamgee, torture him until he tells us who is doing the killing, and then kill him as painfully as possible. Any questions?" One Rider raised his hand. "Uh, sir?" "Yes, Eofred." "Why are we going to kill him and do we really need all these riders to kill just one hobbit?" Eomer replied, "We will kill him because he is responsible for the death of the person whom I cared for most in this world-Grima. And yes, we're going to need all of you. Any other questions?" Another Rider spoke up "Sir?" "What is it, Eobob?" "All those hobbits look the same, so how are we going to tell which one's which?" All the other Riders murmured agreements. "Good question." Eomer thought for a bit. "Okay men, your orders just became simpler: If you see anything under four feet in height, kill it. Now, let us ride!" "Sir?" A third rider asked. "What do you want, Eotim?" "Well, we don't have any way of measuring them, Sir." "Fine, fine. Just kill anything alive that you see. Now, to the Shire!" The Riders began their trip to the land of the midgets-er, hobbits, and as they left the city, all the women of Rohan were there to see them off. The Rohirrim are known for the way they follow their orders to the letter, and a horrible massacre of the women began. "No! No! Dammit! Stop that!" Shouted Eomer. "You retards! I meant kill anything alive that you see IN THE SHIRE!!! Now stop that!" The Riders reached the Shire in two days and nights, and began their murderous rampage, much to the perplexity of the poor old peaceful hobbits. "Yes, yes that's it! Kill the halflings!" Eomer shouted in support. "What the hell is going on?" said the Gaffer as he came out of his hobbit-hole, shortly before being decapitated by Eogreg. Sensing something was wrong, old Tom Bombadill came out of the woods right into the fray. "There he is!" a Rider shouted. "Uh-oh," said Tom as 57 Riders converged on him. And that was the end of the oldest of all things. After it was all over, Eomer had the Riders search for the body of Sam. He was nowhere to be found. "Bah!" Eomer said, "That little twit must have fled the city! Men, we must now go and search for him in the city of Bree. But he is clever, and may have disguised himself as a man, so kill all the hobbits AND men you see in Bree. Now go!" The Riders made haste towards Bree, and continued the slaughter. One Rider went searching for Samwise in the Prancing Pony Inn. "Hullo! Can I get you a room ready? What is your name?" said Barliman Butterbur, the inn owner. "My name is Eolarry, and I'd like a room for two," the Rider said. "Two? But there's only one of you." "No, there's two. Me and my little friend," said Eolarry. "What little friend?" "Say hello to my shiny little friend!" Eolarry shouted as he drew his sword. And that was the end of Butterbur. After the second slaughter, Eomer again addressed the Riders. "Men," said he, "this Sam is a crafty hobbit. He was neither in Bree nor the Shire. Therefore, we must continue our insane crusade for justice in Rivendell!" All the Riders let out a grand cheer and headed toward Rivendell. It went on like that for some time, until, during the attack on Dale, as Eomer watched the Riders "work their magic" on the local folk, someone approached from behind. Eomer turned on his steed and said "Oh! It's only you, Legolas! You see that down there?" as he gestured toward the massacre. "We're trying to find out who killed Aragorn, Arwen, poor old Grima, and that other one. Oh who was it? Someone I knew, someone close to me... Eowyn, that's it! You wouldn't happen to know who did it, would you?" Legolas smiled and nodded. "Really?! Who!?" shouted the excited Eomer. "You know," replied Legolas. "No! I don't! That's why we're killing people! Because I don't know!" "Allright it was me! Christ! Do I have to spell everything out for you, dimwit?" said Legolas. "You? Really?" Eomer said, "Men! Stop the slaughter immediately!" All the Riders groaned in disappointment. Both the survivors cheered. "I have found the killer! It is Legolas! Now, we must give him a fair trial." "Sir? Why give him a fair trial?" said one of the Riders. "To decide how to kill him!" Eomer said. The Riders cheered. Later that day, Legolas' trial began. Prosecuting Legolas was Eoalbert, the most learned in all of Middle-Earth, and most of Outer-Earth, too. Defending Legolas was Eoalbert's horse. The judge of the trial was Eomer. "Mr. Legolas, did you kill Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, and Grima?" asked Eoalbert. "Yes," replied Legolas. "Wow, that was simple. Why did you kill them?" continued Eoalbert. "Samwise told me to." "And where is he, Legolas?" Eoalbert asked. Legolas simply pointed to his head. "So, you mean, Sam the hobbit wasn't the one who told you to kill?" "No, no, no! Sam THE HOBBIT would never tell me to kill anyone! In fact, I was just about to go kill him!" Legolas answered "Whoops," said Eomer. "Uh, anyway, I find you guilty! I now open the floor to suggestions for execution method." All the Riders began shouting out different ways to kill Legolas. "Hang him!" "Drown him!" "Bury him alive!" "Beat him to death!" "Drain him of all his blood!" "Cut him into itty bitty bits and sell them to Treebeard as fertilizer!" "Cook him and eat him!" Eobert shouted. All the other Riders looked at him. "What? I'm hungry! I haven't had a bite to eat since we attacked Lothlorien!" "Right..." said Eomer. "Anyway, I like the beating idea. And the hanging one. So here's what we'll do: we'll hang him, then beat him till he pops like a pinata!" All the Riders cheered. After all the gory work was done, Legolas' corpse, or the remnants of it, were put and a box and tossed aside. Later, Eocraig, who rode next to Eobert, asked him "Eobert, why are you picking your teeth?" "Uhm, no reason..." Eobert replied. "You didn't...did you?" "Not a bite since Lothlorien! Not one bite! Do you know how hungry I was?" Shouted Eobert. * * * * * Upon returning to Rohan, the Riders quickly put their tired horses in their stables, and returned home. Eomer went back to his palace to his wife Eorose and son, Eomer Jr. He sat down on his throne, picked up Eomer Jr. and set him on his knee, and looked at Eorose "Well, I'm back," he said. But Eorose, who'd been by herself this whole time, took Eomer Jr. into his room. Then she returned to Eomer, and with a yelp jumped at him. They lived very happily, very close together, if you catch my drift, heh heh

Proposed Revision to LOTR Posted by Gavinioral on Ringbearer.org

PROPOSED REVISION TO J.R.R. TOLKIEN'S THE LORD OF THE RINGS Delete the following: Chapter 3 through 10 of Book II Book III Book IV Book V Book VI Insert the following after "'small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.'" [page 283, line 9 of the Red Book] -------------------------- Suddenly a voice spoke up from within the silence of Elrond's conference room. "Hoy! Ye all'r nutt'n but a flock of hooey heads!" All the dignitaries of the free peoples of Middle Earth, including Elrond the Halfelven, Gandalf the Grey, and Aragorn son of Arathorn, looked angrily to the corner of the room where the skinny shell of an elf sat lounging in a folding chair. And lo! It was Gavinioral, the only Scottish Elf in Middle Earth. "Who invited you?" accused Gandalf. "Shut yer bonny mouth and hear what've ta say, ya grey, overstuffed haggis!" Gasps echoed throughout the room as all present were astonished at the newcomers tone with the revered wizard. Frodo and his friends looked wildly at each other, their mouths open wide in horror. The scrawny Gavinioral got out of his chair and meandered around the room, his hands in the back pockets of his tunic. "Here's the way I see it, laddies," he began. "Ya got yerself a few many problems, wit many possible answers. While ya toss and turn and toss and turn, the only right answer is right in fron' of yer bloody eyes." "My dear friend," began Elrond, but was silenced as Gavinioral pointed an accusing finger at the lord of Rivendell. "An you! You lorldy, lazy, pompous piece of shortbread! If yer actions were a third what yer words was, old Sauronhead would have been crying to his mama by now." Gavinioral walked right up to Elrond, and mirrored his face to the halfelven, such that the tips of their noses met as if they were involved in a tender eskimo kiss. "Why, yer nutt'n but the king of the hooeyheads, sitt'n here in yer blissful little shack, half neckid elfmaidens dancing around yer fancy throne, skinny little womenlike men makin' up pretty poems. If'n you had aught but air between yer pointy ears, or the guts to move yer halfelven arse out from behin' yer precious brothal, none of this would have ever happened." "Don't blame me," begged the lord of Rivendell. "It's all Isuldur's fault. He wouldn't listen to me. I told him to destroy the cursed work of Sauron. I told him to. But did he listen? Noooo! He just went on his own way without so much as an ‘If you please!’ Alas! Would that I had never been born!" "Shut yer whinin' mouth, ya half breed bugger!” shouted Gavinioral. That's been yer problem all these buggin' centuries. Always blamin' someone else. Never takin' no responsibility on your own.” At that, Elrond the halfelven burst into tears and left the room. This was followed by a tense silence, and then Glorfindel stood up angrily. "Now see what you've done?" he asked. "You've ruined everything!" Then he stomped out of the room after his king. As if the ridicule of Elrond wasn't enough to offend the gathering, Gavinioral proceeded to sit right in the elvenking's chair! Gandalf the Grey stood up in a challenge. "You.. you.. you.. mean thing you!" He rushed at Gavinioral, with Glamdring, his mighty sword, poised for attack. Gavinioral sat nonchalantly, picking his teeth, until the last possible moment. As the wizard was upon him, he dodged out of the way and opened a secret trap door that he had installed only that morning. A sign on the door read "T' th' Balrog," which is Scottish-Elf for "To the Balrog." Gandalf fell through the trap door and vanished forever, at least until many months later, where he reappeared somewhere in Fangorn, raving like a lunatic, claiming that the filthy dirty cloak he wore was really white. Now the entire company was stunned. Gavinioral had their total respect now, after so effectively dismissing the lord of Rivendell and the most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. "What would you have us do, oh mighty one?" asked Aragorn. "I'm so glad ya ask'd, ya stinky excuse fer a ranger," said Gavinioral sarcastically. Aragorn twitched for a minute, as he pondered mounting his own attack on the Scottish-elf. Then he decided he didn't want to end up like Gandalf, and he buckled his sword back in. "Now," Gavinioral was saying, "it's not that bloody difficult. You've been listening to a flock of haggisheads telling ya' ta try to travel, by foot, for goodness sake, to Mordor to drop the ring in the crack o' doom. I say, why walk when you can fly?" Gasps sounded throughout the room, and Frodo said, "I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about. None of us can fly, we're only human or human-types. Everyone knows that only birds can fly. Don't they, guys?" He looked around the room for support, but got none. Everyone was still looking at that trap door. "Sit yer tiny arse down, ya mole person. If'n ya didn't have the ring, I'd kick yer miniature butt all th' way back to Hobbiton." Frodo sat down quickly. "I didn' mean that we'd fly, ya stupid midget. Watch, and learn." Gavinioral gave a shrill whistle, and lo!, Gwaihirr the windlord, king of the eagles, flew into the window and landed on the table. "Okay, up we go. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, and you!" He pointed at Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry. And at about ten in the morning, it came to pass that "The nine flyers" rose up into the air and flew south toward Mordor on Gwaihirr the Windlord. But lo! the load was much, and somewhere over the Falls of Rauros, Gwaihirr tired. "You guys are too heavy! I've been flying for five hours without a rest," shouted the eagle over his shoulders. "Quit yer whinin' and fly, ya bird brain," came the tart reply from Gavinioral. "I'm serious," said Gwaihirr. "If we don't drop some weight, I'm going to have to land." Gavinioral sighed. "Okay, okay. Everyone pick a number between one and ten." "Five," said Aragorn. "Two," cried Frodo. "One," offered Sam. "Six," bellered Gimli. "Nine," yelled Legolas. "Eight," hollered Boromir. "Three," squeaked Pippin. "Seven," screamed Merry. "Good," said Gavinioral. "The number is s--" "Hey," interrupted Boromir. "What about you? Aren't you going to pick a number too?" "Shut up, ya fat horn blowin' haggis! Fine, I pick Ten. What I was sayin' is, the number is eight." With that, Gavinioral picked up the hefty Boromir and pitched him over the side. "How's that?" the Scottish-elf asked the eagle. "Much better, thank you." And so it came to pass that Boromir, champion of Gondor, fell to his death just this side of the Falls of Rauros. He landed in an abandoned elven boat, and floated away down the mighty Anduin River, never to be seen again until his stark raving mad father saw him and then had a nervous breakdown. Then, about three-fifteen, as the eagle soared high over Mt. Doom, Gavinioral turned to address Frodo. "Okay, shorty. As we circle around, throw the bugger in." Frodo looked down as if he were ashamed. "I have come, but I do not choose now to do what I came to do. I will not do this deed. The Ring is mine!" With that, he put on the ring and vanished. And so it came to pass that Gavinioral grappled with the invisible scaredy cat hobbit, and bit off his ring finger. Frodo appeared suddenly, and looked down in horror to where his missing digit should have been. Then, tears in his eyes, he turned to Sam. "Do you see what he did? He bit off my finger!" "Well, as me old gaffer used to say," said the fat hobbit, "'tis better to be missing a finger than to be missing a head." At that, the entire group burst into spontaneous laughter. Aragorn slapped Sam on the back, nearly knocking him off Gwaihirr the Windlord. A quick shout came forth from Gavinioral. "Pipe down, ya greasy haggis's, can't ya see I'm trying to aim?" And so it came to pass that as Gwaihirr the Windlord circled back for another pass over Mt. Doom, that Gavinioral, Last of the Scottish-elves, gave the One Ring a deft flip. The golden talisman fell in a perfect parabolic arc toward the mountain of fire, landing smack dab in the middle of the lava. The mountain shook, the earth shook, Mordor shook, everything shook. And it came to pass that a dark cloud rose from Barad-Dur, screaming, "Moooooommmmmmyyyyyyyy!!!!!" And lo! Sauron the Great was no more. And it came to pass that the flyers returned from their mighty quest at about nine that evening, making the entire trip in about twelve hours, saving more than one year of time and countless wasted lives. And it came to pass that the hobbits went back to their boring lives, and Gimli and Legolas left for their homes best of friends, for they had spent the entire journey telling jokes in the back seat of Gwaihirr the Windlord. And it also came to pass also that Arwen Evenstar dumped Aragorn, to whom she was betrothed, for Gavinioral the Great. "Why should I give up my eternal life for some greaseball?" she was overheard to say. THE END Disclaimer: Copyright by Gavinioral. All names and places described based on the works of J.R.R. Tolkien. Do not copy or distribute without written permission.

A cheapo version of LOTR or... WHAT WE SHOULD DO FOR THE NEXT 2 YEARS Posted by Jack on ringbearer.org

I've got it! Since we're growing tired of the same casting/music/Sean Connery discussions...this is how we should kill time till the trilogy comes out.We should all sell our properties, skip lunch and take out loans, pool our resources and make our own movie! Then we can have pointy eared elves, 2 Balrogs (one w/ wings, one without)--and we can get Max von Sydow for Gandalf, and British hobbits! We can throw in Bombadil too! Chances are though, we'll have enough money for 25 minutes of film and opening credits. Treat Williams will be Aragorn, Suzanne Sommers will be Galadriel, and my Dad's accountant will be Gandalf with a toupee. The orcs will be the Oysterville lacrosse team and Gollum will be a starving mime in a Toys R Us Jarjar outfit. We'll release it on access TV right after the naked girl wearing caution tape show.It'll be a legitimate piece of crap, but we'll have tons of fun doing it. Then we'll be able to appreciate the real thing when it comes out!

Friday The 13th LOTR or... THE ONLY WAY TO GET TEENS TO SEE LOTR Posted by Lando on ringbearer.org

First, the main character has to be a female in her teens. We can get one of those Party of Five or Buffy chick to play her. Next, Sauron has to be a killer with a one eye hole mask, none of this spirit with lidless eye non-sense. Ok, so in one scene Frodo is making out with her boyfriend, Sam, in the middle of the woods. They hear a strange noise and the two stop kissing. He says he'll be right back and goes to check it out. Frodo tells him to be careful. Sam walks about yelling if anybody was out there and a cat jumps out of the bush and startled Sam for a second. All of a sudden, the killer Sauron attacks him from behind.Meanwhile, Frodo hears the cry of her boyfriend from the distance and starts to get scared. Then she sings the Bombadil song (phone number) on her cell and Officer Tom shows up within seconds. She tells him of the screaming and the noise. He says he'll investigate and much of the same happens to him.Frodo then runs to the nearest cabin to hide.Elsewhere, Aragorn skinny dips with Arwen. The two are getting it on in the pond, when suddenly the killer pops out under them and hacks them to bits. Now Frodo is really getting scared. She can hear Saurons foot steps coming closer and closer. She notices a pendulum above the ceiling and tries frantically to get it to work. Then Sauron burst in. He sees Frodo and laughs. He then takes off his mask to reveal his identity is Gandalf. Looking troubled, Frodo ask why. Gandalf merely implied because he is insane. He laughs some more and leaps to towards Frodo. But the pendulum breaks free and cuts Gandalf right down the middle. Thinking that this nightmare was over she is terrified when she sees another Sauron at the door when the the other one stood cutted in half. This new Sauron reveal himself to be Pippin stand on Merry's shoulder. They revealed that gandalf was working for them. Frodo asked why they did this to her. The two replied that Bilbo killed their mother, Smaug, and wants revenge. So they came after Frodo with their huge knives when suddenly they were shot in the back by a bloody Officer Tom Bombadil. The two lay dead and Tom Collapse on the floor. Frodo flies to Mount Doom and throws the One Ring into the mountain. The EndNext I'll tell you about the wild adventures of Legolas (Played by Will Smith) and his partner Artemis Gimli as they battle against a hugh mechanical spider, Shelob, with Saruman as Loveless.

SCENES THAT SHOULD BE INCLUDED Posted by Troy Walden on ringbearer.org

In Moria, after the trolls drop the stone slab over the fiery chasm, and the Balrog appears! Legolas cries "Ai, Ai a Balrog" The Balrog attempts to fly over the chasm, then the realization that the CGI techs, not entirely certain whether he has wings or not, decides to take them away at this crucial moment; the Balrog falls into the fiery chasm, and dies.Legolas' cries fall short, "Oh?"Gimli begins cleaning his shorts.The Orcs stand around looking at eachother scratching their heads, through up there arms, and walk away.Gandalf exclaims, "Hmmm, that was easy."Gandalf turns to go, then trips over the bridge and falls into the abyss. Aragorn leads them out after forcing Pippin to pull up his pants, and reminds him of Gandalf's words in the Guard Room, about this not being a "hobbit-bathroom party."

Back to the main page

Webmaster: Sharkens (sharkens@hotmail.com)