Some Good Irish Jokes worth Repeatin'

1.An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The Englishman, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schiessers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on your back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

2.An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

3.Patrick Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Patrick Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

4.A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were up before the firing squad. Noticing how nervous the squad were, they hit upon the idea of giving them a shock to put them off their aim. "Flood!" yelled the Scotsman, and the soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away. "Earthquake!" shouted the Englishman, and again the soldiers fled. Then it was Murphy's turn....... "FIRE!" he yelled.

5. The American had been fishing for two weeks at Ballinahinch without getting a bite. On the last day of his vacation he caught a small salmon. "Turlough," he said to his gillie as the fish was gaffed, "that salmon cost me five hundred dollars." "Well now sir," comforted Turlough, "aren't you the lucky man you didn't catch two."

6.A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross ad the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body......." He did not say, "Eat me." 12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14) Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7.Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"

8.The three thugs attacked Slattery and it was a fierce struggle. Finally they got him down and took three shillings and a halfpenny from his pocket. "What the hell did you put up a fight like that for three shillings and a halfpenny?" asked one of the disgusted hijackers. "Sure I thought you were after the ten pound note in me sock."

9.Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

10.One fine day in Ireland, an American tourist is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."Well, a year goes by and the same tourist is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

11.A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply. "I can't believe it", says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender. "Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

12.Man runs out of a Belfast pub with his arms on fire; The police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

13.O'Malley goes into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he's finished, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." O'Malley replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. So O'Malley becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way - orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." O'Malley looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

14.Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got. Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement. Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied. "I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!" This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

15. An old Irishman went to see the doctor and asked him for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor replied that he would be happy to write him one. He said, "here now my good man, take one of these each night before you go to bed with the missus, and you'll be right as rain." The old fellow says,"I just want a quarter of a tablet at a time, could you cut them into quarters for me?" The doctor replied that the pills were specially formaulated to have just the right amount of ingredient in them for one dose, and that he should take them as they were to get the proper effect. "Oh no, I don't want em' for the sex" , he says, "I just want to make it big enough so I can stop peein' in me slippers."