Chapter Twelve


"Oh, You Mean Pondscum?"

"So what's up?" asked Zac as he and Corey climbed up the stairs to the Hanson treehouse.

"I think it would be quicker to ask what's down," mumbled Corey miserably.

"Oh. What's happened?"

"It's what hasn't happened. With me and Libby."

"Corey, we’re not gonna talk sex here are we?" Zac flopped down onto the sleeping bag, banging his entire body off the hard, wooden floor and decided not to do any more flopping any time soon.

"Nah. Just…well, we've been going out since May, right?"

"Yuh-huh."

"And now it's the end of October."

"I can see that calendar we bought you was very useful," teased Zac.

"I'm serious. That makes…uh…five months, give or take a couple of weeks."

"Ladies and Germs, he can do math too!" cheered Zac.

"Zac…"

"Sorry. I'm listening," Zac assured him.

"It's just that…well…things aren't progressing or anything. I mean, we haven't grown apart or anything but we certainly haven't grown closer. It's like she's keeping me at a distance. Or like she doesn't care."

"That's tough, man," sympathized Zac.

"Has she said anything to you?"

"Me?" squeaked Zac. "Why would she say anything to me?"

"Well, you're like her best friend. Aren't you?" Corey looked at Zac strangely.

"Oh, yeah. So I am."

"Zac, are you okay?"

"Yep. I'm great!" replied Zac, over-enthusiastically.

Corey hugged his knees to his chest. "She hasn't said anything to you about there being…I dunno…someone else or anything?"

Zac felt his heart leap into his throat. Did Corey know? "Umm…no…why would you think that?" Zac knew he sounded weird; the tenseness he was feeling was reflected in his voice.

"I dunno…I'm probably just being paranoid. She just keeps breaking dates in the evenings and stuff. Maybe she's just busy."

"Maybe," agreed Zac in a small voice.

"Thanks for talking to me about this, Zac." Corey smiled. "We've never really been all that close, but now I think of you as my best friend. You're the only one that understands all this Libby stuff."

Zac laid his head in his arms miserably. Corey's declaration of friendship just made him feel like the lousiest, lowest down, nastiest, meanest person in the world. Somewhere along the line, Zac had begun to regard Corey as his best friend, too, and that made what he was doing with Libby even worse. This was bad. He felt so guilty, and like such a fraud. Here he was, giving Corey advice and reassuring him about the state of his relationship with Libby, when really, he was the one ruining it, the wedge between them. It made him sick to the stomach to think that he could be such a bad person.

"Zac? Look, I think you're ill, man," spoke up Corey. Zac had visibly paled.

Zac nodded. "Maybe."

"You should go take a nap."

"I need to talk to Taylor," muttered Zac.

"Is he in?"

"Huh?" Zac hadn't even realized he'd spoken aloud.

"Tay. Is he in?"

Zac sighed. "He's always in these days."

"Is he okay?"

"He will be. He smiles and stuff now."

Corey smiled. "That's good. Look, Zac, I'm gonna let you go sort out whatever's bothering you. Are you going to the bonfire on Friday?"

Zac nodded. "Isn't everyone?"

"Yeah, I guess," laughed Corey. "I'm going with Libby."

Zac blinked. He and Libby had already made plans to go to the bonfire together. Had she told Corey she was going with him as well? "Um, that's great," he choked out.

"Hey, you trick or treating tomorrow night?"

"Nah, I don't need a costume. I'm scary enough as it is," joked Zac, trying to sound natural.

"You’re right," agreed Corey, and Zac swatted him with a cushion.

"Me, Ike and Tay are thinking about dressing up as that band…they had that song…Boom Bop or something…"

"Oh, you mean Pondscum?" Corey grinned, his eyes sparkling evilly.

"Hey!" Zac hit him again.

"Just kidding… Look, I'm going now, okay."

"See you later, Corey." Zac waved as Corey disappeared down the stairs.

Picking himself up, Zac ran down the wooden stairs after him, across the lawn and in the back door. He found Taylor sitting with his sisters at the kitchen table, carving a pumpkin.

"Hey, Zac, don'tcha think it looks kinda like Steven Tyler?" he asked, turning the big orange fruit to face his brother.

Zac laughed. It did resemble the Aerosmith singer slightly, with the wide mouth. "Yeah," he laughed, biting into an apple.

"I think mine looks like you," piped up Avery, turning round her smaller pumpkin.

"Gee, thanks!" Zac exclaimed. Avery's pumpkin had two huge, lop-sided eyes, a gigantic nose and sharp, pointy teeth.

Jessica ruffled his hair. "Pay no attention, Zaccy," she soothed.

Zac frowned. Jessica's voice sounded weird, like she was trying not to laugh. He raised his hand to the back of his head. "Eww, Jess!" he moaned, as his hand came away covered in the discarded pumpkinseeds and flesh.

Jessica burst out laughing. "Gotcha!"

"Why, you little…" Zac grabbed his own handful of pumpkin guts and wiped it down one side of Jessica's face. "Take that!"

"Leave her alone!" shrieked Avery, throwing some orange mush at Zac, and missing totally, getting it all over the kitchen clock.

"Need to work on your aim, Avie!" teased Zac, squelching some pumpkin down his sister's T-shirt, despite her screams of protest.

Jessica got him from behind, covering his white T-shirt in pumpkin, and Zac returned the favor by rubbing some into her hair. Avery got both of them in the face, so both Zac and Jessica rubbed orange stuff in her hair.

"Hey, Zac, Avie," spoke up Jessica. "There's someone here who's not orange at all…"

"Oh, no…" Taylor shook his head holding his hands up.

"Oh, yes!" yelled Zac, picking up the Steven Tyler pumpkin and smashing it completely down on Taylor's head, causing his sisters to convulse into giggles.

Taylor turned blindly towards Zac, waving his arms around madly, trying to hit his brother.

Zac looked at the sight of his brother, the upside down, orange Steven Tyler face masking his normal looks and burst out laughing.

"Oh my God! What happened in here?"

"Mom?" asked Taylor, turning to where he thought the voice was coming from.

"Tay, why is the pumpkin on your head? And why are my walls suddenly redesigned in orange?"

"Zac started it!" humphed Taylor.

"I did not!" protested Zac. "It was Jessie!"

"It doesn't matter." Mrs Hanson sighed. "Taylor, come here."

"Where are you?" Taylor walked a few shaky steps, his hands outstretched.

Mrs Hanson took his arm, then turned him round. She leaned forward and, mustering all her strength, pulled the pumpkin off Taylor's head.

Taylor shook his head giddily, trying to get the room back into focus.

"You all need showers," decided Mrs Hanson. "But first, I want my kitchen spotless."

"Nice one, Zac," muttered Taylor, taking the kitchen cleaner from his mother.

"It wasn't me. It was Jess, you pumpkin head."

"Oh, yeah, funny," scoffed Taylor, smacking Zac with the dishtowel

***

Zac ran the comb through his hair one more time. "I never knew how hard it was to get pumpkinseeds out of your hair," he mused.

"Probably because you've never had pumpkinseeds in your hair before," muttered Taylor, flipping over the page of the local newspaper he was reading. "Oh, hey, it looks like this year's bonfire is gonna be the biggest one on record."

"That's nice." Zac sat down beside him on the bed, and Taylor closed the paper.

"Aren't you looking forward to it? I mean, you usually love the bonfire and the fireworks."

Zac sighed, picking at some imaginary lint on Taylor's duvet cover. "I am looking forward to it," he assured his brother. "It's just that…well…see…Libby was supposed to be joining us."

"So?" Taylor propped himself up on his elbows, staring up at Zac. "That's good, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but she's told Corey she was going with him too!"

"Oh."

Zac bit his lip. "I just feel so horrible, Tay. I mean, I'm such a nasty person!"

Taylor raised his eyebrows. "Why the guilty conscience now? This has been going on for months and it's always been wrong."

"I was talking to Corey. He was going on and on about how he and Libby aren't getting any closer, and he feels there's something wrong. Then he told me he feels like I'm his best friend!" Zac looked Taylor directly in the eye. "And he actually asked if she'd said anything to anybody about there being anyone else."

Taylor let out a low whistle through his teeth. "Wow. That's not good, Zac."

"Tay, I need your help. What should I do?"

"Well…you're not being fair to Corey."

"I know."

"Or to yourself," stated Taylor matter-of-factly.

"Huh?"

"Well, look at it this way, Zac. You're a great guy, there's no disputing that-"

"Even when I do dumb stuff like this?" asked Zac in a small voice.

Taylor had to laugh; Zac looked so pathetic. He leaned over and patted his hand. "Yes, Zac, even when you do dumb stuff like this. Anyway, you deserve better than a part-time girlfriend. You deserve someone who'll love you properly, and treat you right. Libby doesn't."

"She's nice to me."

"I know, Zac. But I think you have to give her the ultimatum: you or Corey."

"I can't do that to Corey. He really loves her." Zac picked at the skin beside his fingernails.

"Then there's only one thing you can do."

Zac's face visibly fell. "Break up with her?"

Taylor nodded.

Zac shook his head sadly. "Doing the right thing sucks, doesn't it, Tay?"

"It can do," agreed Taylor. His eyes took on a wistful look and Zac knew he was thinking about when he'd done the right thing, telling Gabbie about himself and Katie Gibson.

"Tay?" asked Zac cautiously. "What was she like?"

Taylor looked sadly at his little brother, perhaps a little surprised. This was the first time anyone had really mentioned Gabbie to him since the breakup. He sighed. "She was amazing, Zac. She was gorgeous, you saw that, and she was just so smart, so funny, so…perfect. We could talk for hours about nothing; we could make out for hours without talking at all…it just seemed so right, Zac. You know, like our bodies were made to fit together…" He trailed off, his eyes becoming misty, and Zac knew he had unleashed the built up emotions inside of his brother.

"I'm sorry, Tay." He took his brother's hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry she was so mean to you, and the way she broke up with you, that was awful. I'm just sorry."

Taylor smiled a weak, watery smile. "It's not your fault, Zac. I just…I thought…I thought she loved me."

"Aww, Tay…" Zac moved across the bed and sat beside his brother, leaning his head on his shoulder and slipping his arm around him. "You're okay."

Taylor rested his own head on top of Zac's. "I am, Zac. I'm fine. Well, not yet, but I will be. You showed me that."

"Me?"

"Yeah, little buddy. You."

Zac smiled, then took his arm away from Taylor and shifted back so he was facing him. "I'm gonna do it, Taylor."

"What?"

"I'll break up with Libby. I don't want to, but I have to. I don't want to hurt Corey more. Libby'll get over me. She can't have been all that interested if she didn't want to break up with him in the first place, and only be with me. I'll tell her at the bonfire on Friday."

Taylor smiled. "That's good, Zac. I'm proud of you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. What you're doing, Zac, it's really mature."

Zac grinned. The thought of him being mature was enough to make anyone laugh.

***

"Mommy, can I get some cotton candy?" whined Avery, twisting the fringe of the blanket between her fingers.

"Avie, you just ate dinner."

"But it's bonfire night. We need cotton candy."

"And marshmallows," chimed in Jessica.

"And caramel apples," added Zac.

"Yeah, come on, Mom!" Taylor leaned his elbows on his mom's shoulders from behind.

Mrs Hanson looked upwards at her son. "Didn't you guys eat enough candy on Sunday? Jess and Avie got enough by trick-or-treating to last a lifetime!"

"Mom, come on!" Isaac rolled his eyes. "You have to eat junk food on bonfire night. It's an unwritten law!"

Mrs Hanson threw her hands up in the air; her five oldest children ganging up on her wasn't something she could handle. "Okay!" she laughed, pulling some money out of her pocket. "Go spend it on junk. Get fat, get spotty, rot your teeth, I don't care…"

Zac threw his arms around his mom. "Thanks, Mom! Tay, Jess, come with me!"

Taylor, Zac and Jessica got up off the woolen travel blanket and headed in the direction of the refreshment stall, Zac and Taylor swinging Jessica up in the air as she held on tightly to their hands.

"Zac?"

Zac let go of Jessica and she fell to the ground. He turned round. "Ah, hey, Libby."

"Sorry, I couldn't get out of going with Corey. He brought his own fireworks and everything."

Zac shrugged. "It's okay."

"Hey, can you get away, sweetie? I have a few minutes. Corey thinks I'm finding a bush to pee in."

Zac looked at Taylor. "Can you guys manage?"

Jessica snorted. "First he drops me, then he leaves me!"

Taylor kicked her gently. "Sure, Zac, on you go. Me and Jess can manage." He put his arm around Jessica, guiding her towards the food stall.

Libby linked her hand through Zac's, and he didn't protest, allowing her to lead him away from the gathered families of Tulsa and into the woods.

Zac gulped. He had planned what to say to Libby, but it was all too tempting to let it slide and not say a thing.

"Corey's getting so possessive," whispered Libby. "I have to drag myself away to see you!"

Zac felt his skin prickling as he remembered why he had to break up with Libby. She wasn't treating him or his best friend fairly. This relationship was proving a huge strain on Zac, extra stress in addition to recording worries, performance worries, worrying about his brothers, his family… Zac just didn't need the extra stress. Not to mention the guilt he felt at what he was doing to Corey. It just wasn't right. "Libby?"

"What, baby?"

"I have to tell you something…"


There was a time when I would
Go walking backwards round the world
If you said you're mine
And I'd run blindfold
Down the King's Road, Monday morning,
If you'd just for once arrive on time


Libby looked at him, "Shoot," she grinned. "But make it fast! Corey's waiting and I really want to kiss your gorgeous fat lips, Zac."

Zac shook his head in disgust.


But you' turned into another liar
And you came on like a new Messiah
And before you say what you desire
I'm telling you now…


Zac took a deep breath. "Lib, I can't do this anymore!"


I quit! I quit!
Cos lovin' you's a job I don't need
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I quit! I quit!
This situation's vacant for me
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work


"What? Zac, you can't do what anymore?"

"This, Libby!" Zac threw his hands up in the air. "I can't be your bit on the side, your extra! I can't do this to Corey! He's my best friend!"


I got my hands dirty while you rolled cigarettes
With one eye on the time
I've tried my hardest; I've been conscientious
But now I'm taking back that heart of mine


Libby narrowed her eyes and pressed her hands against her hips. "You said you weren't close."

"We weren't. But over these past months, we've got closer. I can't hurt him anymore! And I can't have you taking control of me. I have to regain control of my own emotions…" Zac bit his lip, tears welling in his eyes.


You can't roll me round your tongue no more, baby
It's time to clear up your emotional debris
And if I'm falling overboard please don't save me
Cos I'm telling you now…


"Zac, I don't control your emotions!" Libby stroked his cheek softly, wiping away his tears. In the distance, there was a whistle, then a bang as a rocket shot into the air.

Zac pushed her hand away.


I quit! I quit!
Cos lovin' you's a job I don't need
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I quit! I quit!
This situation's vacant for me
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work


"You do, Libby," he sobbed. "You tell me when I can love you, when I can see you, when I can't…I just can't handle this anymore, Lib!"

"Zac…I…don't know what to say… Sorry?"


La da di-di-di da di
La da di-di-di
Baby, la da di-di-di
It's too late to say you're sorry


"Don't say sorry, Lib. I don't want to do this. But I can't hurt Corey, or you…or myself any more!"

"Fine!" snapped Libby angrily. "But don't you dare say anything to Corey about this, ever!"

Zac wiped his nose on his sleeve, staring angrily at Libby through his tears. All this had just happened, and all she cared about was covering her own tracks and making sure she didn't get caught.


You're just like every other lover
A shot rings out and you go running for cover
And I'm so sorry I can't be your mother
But I'm telling you now…


Zac leaned over, pecked Libby on the cheek, then turned and ran from the woods, sobs wracking his body as he ran and salty tears dripping from his cheeks.


I quit! I quit!
Cos lovin' you's a job I don't need
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I quit! I quit!
This situation's vacant for me
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work

I quit! I quit!
La da di-di-di da di
I quit! I quit!
La da di-di-di
I quit! I quit!
La da di-di-di
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work no more
I ain't gonna go to work


Zac reached the blanket, finding his family sitting munching popcorn, cotton candy and caramel apples.

Taylor jumped up, seeing the state his brother was in. "Zac?"

Zac pushed him away and turned, running as fast as he could in the direction of home

***

Taylor stopped and leaned on his porch railing, gasping for breath. After Zac had run off, Taylor had yelled to his mom that he was going after him and not to worry. Mrs Hanson had called after him, but Taylor had heard Isaac assuring her that Taylor knew what he was doing and that Zac would be fine with him.

Taylor had run all the way home, but Zac had had too much of a head start for him. Taylor only hoped that Zac would be here.

He stepped up onto the porch.

"Are you looking for me?"

Taylor jumped, spinning round. Zac was sitting on the porch swingseat, gently rocking back and forward, his head resting in his hands. Taylor hadn't noticed him sitting there in the shadows. He sat down beside him. "As a matter of fact, yes, I was. Are you okay?"

"Just peachy."

"Zac…" Taylor pushed his brother's shoulder gently, so Zac had turned to face him. "What happened? Did you break up with her?"

Zac snorted. "Hell, yes."

"How'd she take it?"

"Not well would be an understatement," admitted Zac glumly. "But she wasn't even upset, just mad at me. All she cared about was that Corey didn't find out."

"Zac, she wasn't worth it."

Zac looked at Taylor, tears glittering in his eyes again. "But I loved her, Tay. I really loved her. She was just so right for me." Now the tears began to spill down Zac's face, and his voice became strained and tearful. "Every time she kissed me…every time we talked…just whenever we were together, I was so happy. Now it's over."

Taylor reached out and wiped a tear from Zac's cheek. "You did the right thing, Zaccy-boy," he whispered gently.

"How do you know?" demanded Zac through his tears. "Everyone says that there's this one person who is perfect for everyone in the world. What if Libby was that one person and I've blown it, big time?"

Taylor put his arms around his brother and began to swing the seat slowly. "Zac, I don't mean to sound cold, but if she was really the one, maybe she would have put you first instead of Corey."

Zac nodded miserably, his face rubbing off Taylor's suede jacket as he rested against his brother's chest. He knew Taylor was right, but admitting it hurt too much. He had felt something special, something phenomenal, even, when he was with Libby. Now that he knew she hadn't felt the same, he felt worthless and unlovable. "Tay?"

"Hmm?"

"What is it about me that's so bad?"

Taylor stopped smoothing down Zac's hair and looked down at the top of his blond head in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Why doesn't anyone love me? Am I that bad?"

Taylor shook his head in disbelief, a throaty chuckle escaping his lips. Wasn't this a little melodramatic?

"This isn't funny!" Zac punched him in the stomach. "I'm serious, Tay."

As he looked down at his little brother, nestled against him, tearstained cheeks buried in the soft suede of his jacket, Taylor knew that Zac meant it. "Zac, there's nothing wrong with you. I don't understand this. You've only just turned fourteen. Libby was your first girlfriend, wasn't she?"

"Yeah."

"The only girl you've ever liked?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, then, how can you say nobody loves you? Just cos Libby didn't, doesn't mean that no one does," reasoned Taylor. "And you have millions of girls all over the world who proclaim their undying love to you on a regular basis…although, admittedly, you don't have as many as I do…" He trailed off, a sly grin forming on his face.

"Egomaniac!" jibed Zac, punching his brother in the stomach again.

"Seriously though, Zac, I have to be honest. I think you're overreacting about this nobody loves me stuff."

"You don't think I have a right to be upset?"

"Yes, you do," replied Taylor. "About Libby not loving you, about her not feeling the same way about you and the fact that she wasn't devastated about the breakup. That's okay. You have every right to be bawling your eyes out and screaming bloody murder about that. But not about nobody loving you. For a start, you're one relationship down the line, so you hardly know what you're talking about. It's totally self-indulgent and melodramatic. Besides, it's bullshit," he grinned, ruffling Zac's hair.

Zac smiled, looking up at Taylor. "Family doesn't count, Tay."

"Who ever said I loved you?" Taylor raised his eyebrows and stuck two fingers down his throat. "Eww, no way!"

Zac giggled, sitting up. "Ah, you know you love me!"

"I do not!" kidded Taylor, pretending to be horrified.

"Ach, you do, you do, you do, you do!"

Taylor laughed, deciding to stop the ridiculous conversation right then and there. It was going absolutely nowhere.

***

They were still sitting out on the swing when the rest of the family arrived home.

Taylor looked down at his watch. "Hey, it's only ten-ten. How come you guys are home so early?"

Mrs Hanson choked, running into the house. Avery, Jessica and Mackenzie followed. Zoë sat on the porch, fascinated by an ant crawling over her pudgy little leg.

"What's wrong?" asked Zac, his eyes darting between his father and Isaac. There was something wrong, that much was obvious. Isaac was pale and his eyes were red rimmed, like the rest of the family's. Mr Hanson was tugging at his mustache, something he only did when he was upset or nervous. This whole thing was making Zac nervous himself.

"Yeah," chimed in Taylor, his voice strained. "What happened?"

Mr Hanson sat on the swing beside Zac and Isaac sat on the other side of Taylor. "The bonfire was abandoned early." He cleared his throat. "There…uh…there was an accident…"

"What sort of accident?" asked Zac, his voice shrill and nervous sounding. He could feel the panic welling up inside his stomach. Something was very, very wrong. He just knew it.

"Um…" Mr Hanson took his third son's hand, squeezing it tightly, his eyes shimmering again.

Taylor looked up at Isaac, who had tears welling in his eyes once more. Isaac placed his hand reassuringly on his brother's shoulder, rubbing his hand soothingly - yet absently - up and down the top part of Taylor's arm.

"Dad, what is it?" Zac voice came out tiny, weak and thin.

"Zac, I'm so sorry…"

"What?!" yelled Zac, jumping up to his feet. "Just tell me!"

"Zac, I think you should sit down." Mr Hanson took Zac's arm and slowly pulled him back down to a sitting position.

Zac looked first at his older brothers, Isaac slowly rubbing Taylor's arm - something he only did when he knew someone needed comforting - and Taylor chewing nervously on his already bitten-down fingernails, then at his father with a frightened gaze in his caramel-brown eyes. "What is it?" he whispered, almost inaudibly.

"Zac, Corey… He…" Mr Hanson trailed off, at a loss for words, not wanting to hurt his son.

Zac shook his head. "No… No way… No… No… NO!!!"

Isaac took his hand off Taylor's shoulder, got up and crouched down in front of Zac, taking both of his warm, chubby hands in his own. "Zaccy, don't…" he began quietly, gently even, tears forming again in the corners of his warm brown eyes. "Corey had his own fireworks," he explained. "He went to set off another rocket, but it didn't go off. So he walked back over and picked it up to check on it. Then it went off."

Zac still shook his head, his blond ponytail swishing slowly from side to side, grazing off the collar of his red sweater. "No…"

"He didn't make it, Zac," Isaac continued. "They called the ambulance, but he died instantly. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, little buddy."

"No!" Zac jumped back to his feet, sending Isaac sprawling. "No! NO!!!!" he screamed, the sound of his voice ringing and echoing in the still of the clear, cold, dark night.

Taylor wiped away his own tears that he had been quietly crying, and got up. He gathered Zac in his arms and held him tightly. "Zaccy, don't do this… Zac… It's okay…"

"NO!!!" Zac screamed twice as loud this time, pushing Taylor away from him and running as fast as he could, away from the house, away from his family and away from the realization that his best friend was gone.

***

Taylor drew in his knees to his chest, wrapping his hands around his icy toes and wishing for all the world that he'd brought a pair of thick wooly socks out with him. Tucking his frozen feet underneath him and sitting on them, he pulled the plaid travel blanket tighter around his shoulders, a piece of popcorn falling out of the folds and onto his lap. He sighed, brushing it off. It was odd to think that this was the very blanket they'd been sitting on only hours earlier, before any of this had happened. When Corey was still alive. When Zac was still okay.

Zac had come back an hour earlier, at one-thirty in the morning. He didn't say where he'd been, and no one asked him. Taylor and Isaac had been lying side-by-side on Zac's bed, pretending to flip through a magazine to take their mind off things, when he'd burst into the room and headed straight through to the bathroom, locking the door shut behind him. He still hadn't come out, as far as Taylor knew. He'd had to come outside to attend to a call of nature, not wanting to disturb Zac, then had just been sitting in the swingseat on the porch for the past half-hour, thinking.

It was incredibly hard to believe that Corey was gone. Taylor hadn't been particularly friendly with him before, but had always seen and spoken to him at parties and had always gotten along with him; he liked Corey. But in the past few months, with Corey and Zac's friendship strengthening, he'd seen more and more of him, and had grown quite fond of him. He just couldn't fathom that he would never walk into the kitchen again to see Zac and Corey scraping the cream filling out of Oreo's and saving it to eat after devouring the cookies. Or go out into the backyard and find them drawing cartoon faces and writing obscene messages on the patio slabs and rushing to wash them away before Mrs Hanson came home. Or enter his bedroom and see them lying all over his bed, blasting out CDs and reading his journal. Okay, so maybe he wouldn't miss them reading his journal - it was private, after all - but even that added to the whole element of Corey being like another little brother to him.

Now he was dead. Gone. No more. At fifteen years old, Corey Price's life was over. It just wasn't fair.

What worried Taylor the most though, was the way Zac was handling this. He hadn't cried a single tear, or even acknowledged the fact that Corey was dead. He just kept shaking his head and saying no, then he had run off and disappeared for three hours. Taylor desperately wanted to talk to him, to reassure him that everything would be okay, but Zac didn’t seem to need reassuring. As far as he was concerned, Corey was still alive and well.

Taylor shivered. It was a little scary to realize exactly how deep in denial Zac was. To get over this, he would have to grieve. And to grieve, he would have to realize that there was something to grieve about.

The door creaked open and Isaac appeared out on the front porch. "Hey," he whispered softly.

Taylor smiled.

Isaac sat down beside him. "Here, I thought you might need these." He handed Taylor a pair of thick, mottled-blue socks.

Taylor took them and quickly pulled them on. "How did you know?" he asked.

Isaac grinned. "I was watching you from the room. You looked like you were about to started sucking on your toes to keep them warm!"

"Eww!" Taylor made a face then quickly turned serious again. "Is Zac out yet?"

Isaac sat on the seat beside his brother, shaking his head sadly. "No. Tay, I don't know what to do!"

"There's nothing we can do."

"There has to be something," protested Isaac. "We have to be there for him."

"Ike, is this this big brother complex thing again?"

Isaac sighed. Much as he hated to admit it, Taylor was right. He just had this awful, niggling feeling that he was a terrible older brother, no longer able to protect or take care of his younger siblings. He hadn't been able to prevent Gabbie from hurting Taylor, he hadn't been able to stop the journalists from hurting both Tay and Zac, and now he couldn't pick Zac up and make it all better. Nothing he could do would bring Corey back and therefore, nothing he could do would make Zac happy again. And that's all Isaac wanted: to be a good big brother and to make everything all right again. Surely at least that was expected of him as an older brother? He just wanted to feel needed, feel like he was important to his family and feel like he had made a difference to their lives and made them in some way better than they would have been, had he, Isaac, not been there.

No, he thought, resting his head in his hands. I don't just want to feel needed; I need to feel needed.

"Ike?" Taylor tapped him on the shoulder, cocking his eyebrow at his older brother.

Isaac looked up, seeming dazed and confused.

Taylor sighed. "Look, Ikey, talk to me about it."

"Taylor, do you need me?" demanded Isaac, suddenly turning to face his brother.

"Huh?" asked Taylor, a little taken aback by the sudden aggressiveness. "Sure I need you, Ike."

"No, I mean need me. Really need me."

"Ike, what is this?" Taylor inquired gently, looking imploringly into Isaac's eyes.

"Tay, I just feel like a failure. I can't do anything to stop all of you from getting hurt. Gabbie hurt you, journos hurts you and Zac, this is hurting Zac, fans hurt Jess and Avie, the dark scares Mackie… I should be able to stop all this! But I can't! I just can't, Tay. I've failed you all." Isaac hugged his knees up to his chest, staring miserably out at the front lawn.

"Ike, what on earth are you talking about! Of course I need you! I need you as much as you need me. You do need me, right?" Taylor glanced at Isaac uncertainly.

"Oh, Tay, of course I do!"

"Well, Ike, don't say you haven't done anything for us because you have. You're always there when we need you."


I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me


"Taylor, you can't honestly say that," argued Isaac. "Look how many bad things have happened this year."

"And look how many more bad things would have happened if you hadn't been there," countered Taylor. "Nothing you could have done would have stopped me falling in love with her, and nothing you could have done would have stopped her hurting me. But if you hadn't been there to pick me up, and hadn't been there for me to support me, who knows what I would have done, Ike?" He sighed. "And you put me back together again, like Humpty Dumpty couldn't be. I'd probably still be in our room crying if it hadn't been for you and Zac."


You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high up on a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me


Isaac raised his eyebrows, a little confused at the nursery rhyme references. "Humpty Dumpty?"

Taylor nodded. "Yeah. You put me back together again. And again, there was absolutely nothing you could do to stop those journalists. They came prepared to get us. That wasn't your fault, not at all. These things happen, Ike, and you can't stop them. You have to realize that. None of this bad stuff is a reflection on you as a big brother. You're great, Ike, you really are."


And I can't believe it's you I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave, I'd be a fool
Cos I've finally found someone who really cares


"No, Tay, I'm not!" protested Isaac. "What about Martin?"

"Ike, you did stop that, remember?" Taylor lowered his eyes, biting at his lip. He started to speak again, his voice coming out as nothing more than a hoarse whisper. "God only knows what Martin would have done to me if you hadn't been there. You pulled him off me, remember. If anything, Ike, that should prove that I need you. He nearly killed me, and I think he would have, if it hadn't been for you. And I can't thank you enough for that."


You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me friend


"Really?" asked Isaac, his eyes glazing over. It was just such a relief to know that Taylor didn't think he was neglecting him.

"Yes, really," smiled Taylor, taking Isaac's hands in his own. "Ike, you may very well have saved my life lots of times. You're always here to pick me up when I need you, hug me when I need it and, best of all, you keep my head screwed on straight. You knew I was being an idiot with all this Gabbie stuff. And, Ike, you have to know that I lo…care about you and I need you so much. Stop with the complex."

Isaac grinned. "You mean it?"

"Of course I mean it, doofus. I need you, Zac needs you, we all need you. Clarke Isaac Hanson, you are a much loved and much needed part of this excuse for a family, and the sooner you realize it, the better." Taylor rolled his eyes.

Tears of relief welled in Isaac's eyes as he put his arms round Taylor.


You gave me strength to stand alone again
And face the world out on my own again
You put me high up on a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me
Oh yes, you needed me, you needed me


Taylor knew that Isaac needed this, and hugged him back. "Oh, Ike," he murmured. "What are we gonna do with you."

Isaac shrugged, pulling back. "What are we gonna do with Zac is the question."

Taylor sighed, pulling the blanket back up over his knees again. "I know. I hate seeing him like this."

Isaac tugged some of the blanket over in his direction. "Tay, he's never been like this before."

"I know, but I still hate it. The poor guy doesn’t know which way to turn."

"Sure he does, Tay. He can turn to us. And he will. When he's ready, though, and not before."

"How can you be so sure?" asked Taylor.

A small smile played on Isaac's lips. "Now who's having the big brother complex?"

Taylor smiled sheepishly and shook his head. "I'm just worried about him," he replied finally.

"Talking about me?"

Taylor and Isaac turned to see Zac silhouetted in the doorway.

"Zac! Come join us." Taylor patted the seat.

Zac slowly walked across the porch and sat beside Taylor.

"How're you holding up?" asked Isaac gently.

Zac sighed and rested his face in his hands.

Taylor put his arm round his shoulders, resting his head against his younger brother's. "Oh, Zac, it's okay."

"No, it's not!" Zac's voice came muffled through his hands. "How can you say that, Tay? Corey's dead. He's never coming back, ever."

Taylor swallowed, glancing nervously at Isaac. "I know, buddy, I know. Just talk to us about it. And it's okay to cry, you know it is. Just tell us how you're feeling."

Zac nodded. "It's just…I mean, a few hours ago, Corey was here, he was fine, he was my best friend and I was ruining his relationship. Now he's gone and I can never apologize for it!"

"Zac, as far as Corey was concerned, you weren't doing anything," Isaac reminded him. "Don't beat yourself up over that."

"Corey knew!" protested Zac. "He knew! He knew there was someone else! Why didn't I just tell him when I could have?"

"Zac, he had a suspicion. He didn't know anything." Taylor smoothed down Zac's matted hair. "And he certainly didn't know it was you."

"Maybe that's why he died. Maybe it's my fault." Zac leaned forward onto his knees, and finally, for first time since hearing about his friend's death, he began to cry.

Taylor put his other arm around Zac and pulled him closer. "Zac, now you're not making sense. What happened to Corey was an accident. It had nothing to do with anything that's been going on, and certainly nothing to do with you. Why are you blaming yourself, Zaccy?" he asked gently. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Zac collapsed against Taylor, sobbing violently. "It's all my fault! All my fault, Tay! I killed him! I cheated on him, and then he killed himself!"

Taylor's eyes began to well up. "Oh, Zaccy-boy… This isn't your fault. No way. No way at all, little buddy. It was an accident. He didn't kill himself, it was an accident. Just an accident." Taylor started to cry himself, and the two of them sat there, sobbing and grieving over the loss of their friend.

Isaac shifted over and put his arms around both his brothers. "Tay's right," he murmured. "Zac, this had nothing to do with you. You weren't even there, buddy-boy. It's nothing to do with you. Just an accident, Zac, just an accident."

Zac looked up, his eyes shiny and swollen under the porch light. "Really?"

"Really, Zac, I promise."

"He's right," chimed in Taylor, wiping his eyes. "Corey wouldn't want you to be sitting blaming yourself, would he?"

Zac sniffed. "I guess not."

Taylor looked at his watch. "It's half past four," he pointed out.

Zac sighed. "I guess I better get some sleep."

"We all should."

"You guys go on up. I want to stay down here for a while." Zac took the blanket from Taylor and wrapped it around himself.

"Are you okay?" whispered Taylor gently.

Zac nodded. "I'll be fine."

"Okay. Gimme a hug?" Taylor held out his arms.

Zac leaned forward into them, returning the embrace.

"It's okay, Zac. You'll get through this," Taylor assured him as he pulled back.

Reaching for his hand, Zac squeezed it. "I know, Tay."

"Don't be too long, Zac." Isaac got to his feet, and Taylor followed suit.

"I won't," Zac promised as they pushed open the front door and disappeared into the house.

Zac shivered, pulling the blanket more tightly around him. He sniffed at it; it smelled like cotton candy, popcorn, caramel apples, wood smoke and Taylor. The scent comforted him, and he curled up on the swingseat, burying his face into the worn cushions. His eyes stung and his face was tight from the tears he'd shed minutes earlier.

Deep down, he knew that his brothers were right; Corey's death wasn't his fault. But that didn't make the dull, empty ache leave his stomach or relieve him of the feeling of loneliness that had washed over him that day. It would probably never go away, Zac thought as he drifted in and out of semi-sleep.

No! That's not true! It came to him as a flash of realization, making him sit bolt upright. The feeling wouldn't stay with him forever. Deep down, he knew that, too. He knew, even in his sleepy, upset and weary state, that he would get through this. He had a gut feeling that he would survive. Of course, he would miss Corey, but Zac knew that he would be okay.

As long as he had Ike and Tay, everything would be fine.

Credit for Music goes to:
Hepburn - "I Quit!"
Boyzone - "You Needed Me"

Chapter 13
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