Conan The Barbarian
"Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars--Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingaria with its chivalry, Koth that bordered on the pastoral lands of Shem, Stygia with its shadow-guarded tombs, Hyrkania whose riders wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom in the world was Aquilonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming west. Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet."
My Review of Conan
Conan was and is an icon to me.I, along many others, say that Conan is the best fantasy movie ever made.I dont see why critics didnt like it that much, the movie shouldve gotten an oscar. Its not a childish movie where a boy kills a dragon,the movies ala Conan, are Braveheart, one and only. Conan has everything, supreme music, real life sword fights, not like those dumb "Prince Valiant" type of movies where guys hack at each others swords for hours without getting a scratch. It has drama, passion, and I dont see how Thulsa Doom's Set is anyway mocking christianity. Below are my reviews for both films, as well as for the series. And to all you smartassses,Conan does not take place 8000 years ago, yeah thats when Atlantis sank, no offense, but the steel age began 2400 BC. And the first Cimmerrians, the Thraco-Cimmerians, appeared 2000 years BC. Eventually 1000 BC the Cimmeria was invaded by Scyths, and the Cimmerians moved south and destroyed the kingdom of Urartu, after those two races mixed the first Armenians appered. So now you see why I like Conan.
Conan The Barbarian
The name says it all. I could not believe this movie was made in 1981. Its better than any other fantasy movie ever created, Kull sucks compared to it. In this movie, Conan witnesses his people savagely murdered by Thulsa Doom, and his parents brutally killed. Rexor, Thulsa Doom's right hand man takes his fathers sword, and Conan, as a kid, is turned into slavery. For 15 years Conan was chained to push The Wheel Of Pain, and then he became a gladiator for Hyrkanians. Finally Conans master frees him, and Conan sets forth on his quest.This is the best Conan movie, it has his rise as a barbarian, and his long quest of Revenge. He is aided by his love, Valeria, who gets eventually killed. Subotai a great warrior, and Akiro, the wizard.Together they must free King Orsic's daughter who is under Doom's spell. Doom has thousands of followers, and is on a quest to conquer the world. When Conan sneaks in disguised as a priest, he gets captured and cricified. He falls into a coma, almost dead, but Valeria promised the gods her life for his, so along with Akiro's magic Conan regains his life. Later the companions steal the princess, and thats when Valeria gets killed by Doom. The movie becomes more dramatic as Conan mourns Valeria, and the music adds to it. But the best thing about this Conan is, the blood. This movie(Watch it on tape, not TNT)has more blood than Braveheart. Subotai chops people up, Conan slashes people during an orgy, the way Valeria cuts off a guards head, the way Thorgen gets tricked, and most of all, when Thulsa Doom's menace comes to end.Arnold is the best Conan ever, even though hes not dark haired.If you love fantasy, or historical movies, defintly a-must-see.
Conan The Destroyer
And then in 1984, bang the second one came out. I dont see a damned reason why Conan fans dislike this one, yeah I understand this movie isnt exactly as same as the first, but its great. Conan in this movie was much greater, mightier, more barbaric, and savage. Queen of Zamora,Taramis, promises Conan that she'll bring Valeria back to life if Conan helps her. Conans hope's to see Valeria once again, made him agree. So Conan must accompany Taramis's virgin niece, the beautiful Jehna, on a quest to retrieve a magical horn, which will awake the god of darkness Dagoth. But litlle does Conan know, that the queen is trying to kill him all along. The Captain of guards, Bombatta, who stands over seven feet tall, accompanies them making sure that after they get the horn, he'll kill Conan. This movie is like an RPG game, its so fantastic, Conan meets companions on the way, Akiro, the wizard, Zula, a warrior, and Malak, a thief and a friend of Conan. Conan saves Jehnas life more than once, he freed her from the evil wizard, and the guards.Jehna eventually falls in love with the Barbarian.She never knew a man before, and she didnt know how to attract him, so she asked Zulas advice, and the Malak's.(The funny part). After they get the horn, Bombatta betrays them and runs off with Jehna. Akiro learns the legend, that after the horn of Dagoth is retrieved, the God will arise, and if Jehna is not sacrificed hell bring doom to the world. Conan, mad at Taramis's lies, sneaks into the castle. Conan battles with Bombatta and barely wins, and then he stops the sacrifice. Dagoth arises, and Conan defeats him.The end is dramatic, Jehna, now fully in love with Conan, asks him to stay and rule Shadizar. But Conan, still mourns Valeria, and says that hell have his own kingdom, Jehna tried to kiss him, but Conan did not move, and stood there cold. Tears appeared on her eyes, and the way music hits at that point. Jehna backs away realizing he has no feellings for her, and Conan turns his back and walks away. Now that was dramatic, see it. What I see now is, those people wasted their lives to bring Dagoth's horn, to sacrifice Jehna, and bring the god to life, but then a barbarian shows up, saves the girl, kills the queen, destroyes the place, kills the god, and thats why he got the name, Conan The Destroyer.
Jehna
Conan The Adventurer
And so in 1997 came the series. I couldnt believe what I saw, Conan a good guy? Who gave these guys the right to destroy a character like that, who is he Hercules? Robin Hood? What Im trying to say is, it sucks, the show was so dumb that The Creators of "Mortal Kombat Conquest", bought the show from those idiots just to keep it alive. The place in the series takes time somewhere in middle ages, I see forests and lands like Britain.Even though the movie and the books are deserted areas milleniums ago.Conan now is 6'6,(unlike Arnold who is 6'0 like the real Conan)which completely destroyed my dreams of ever being like Conan. The clothes and the weapons suck, everything has to be so neat, and shiny. Fools, I almost died laughing when I saw Red Sonja's plastic, red, sword. The only thing that kept this dumb series alive for a while was the title, and the women wearing bikinis, I mean c'mon we all love that, but why you gotta fuck up Conan? And the bad guy is an old fart with a skull that talks. And an elephant head that talks? NEways, It sucks, I hope the MK guys start all over again instead of continuing.
The news of the new movie shocked me. I heard that Arnold turned down the contract long ago because of Batman& Robin, but he has to now.We all want to see Arnold as Conan, once again.
