The Quest for the Jade Monkey

By James Gowdey

Part One

It was a dark and somewhat-stormy-but-foggy-at-the-same-time night in the city of Midgar. Vincent, Barret, Cid, and Cait Sith were seated in the middle of the living room of their house, playing Monopoly. Red XIII and Hanpan were playing chess next to them.
"Wake up, foo'! It be yo' move!" Barret said to Cait Sith.
"Hey, give me a little time to count my money here." Cait replied calmly.
"What the $@^*% does it matter if you count your @%@^ money, ya mangy cat?!" Cid yelled, "Just roll the @$#*# dice!!"
"I'll roll them when I'm #$%@&%^@&**@;^@$@%^*@^*@$$ ready!" Cait cried, mimicking Cid.
"Please quiet down. Hanpan and I are in the middle of a serious chess match." Red XIII said patiently over the barrage of curses, "Stalemate."
"Simpletons..." Hanpan grumbled.
Cait Sith finished counting his money ("Yep, it's all there."), picked up the dice, placed them in his megaphone, and shook it around. When he finished, he dropped the dice out onto the board and counted. "Okay, that's uh...two." C.S. moved his top hat. "Oo! Wall Market! I think I'll buy that for 750 gil."
"Hey, Cait. You only have 200 gil." Vincent pointed out, "You can't do that."
"Oh, I know that. I'm using my 'Rob the Bank Free' chance card. Whoohoo! I'll take 3600 gil off your hands, thank you." Cait said, taking 3600 gil from the bank.
"Those damn homemade Chance cards..." Barret grumbled, "Who let the foo' make 'em by himself?"
Red XIII sighed to himself. Another stalemate. And a rambunctious group of simpletons to the right of him. "Shall we play again, or move on to Advanced Trivial Pursuit: Deluxe Edition?" Red asked.
"I don't know. I feel somewhat tired." Hanpan yawned, "Shall we call it a day?"
"Whatever you want to call it." Red XIII.
Hanpan waddled over to his blanket and with a little trouble, took out his book, "Of Wind Mice and Men".
"Say," Vincent said.
"Say what?" Cait Sith asked him.
"I hadn't finished," Vincent said, flustered, "Where have Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, and Yuffie gone to?"
"I don't think you want to know." Cait Sith smirked.
"Shu' up, cat," Barret said angrily, "They be at 'Chop Chop Suey Master Moo Shoo's International House of Oriental Dishes.' You know, IHOD."
"Oh, yeah...Who named that place, anyway?"
"Prob'ly those damn Shinra."
"Nah, Rufus hates Chinese food."
"It's a shame," Cait Sith grinned, "Rufus could tie his hair in a bun and stick chopsticks through it."
"Too bad the %@&^$ shaved his head." Cid added.
"O-kaaaaaaaayy.." Hanpan said, looking over from his book.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tifa Lockheart leaned back and sighed. Everything was going right. Good business at 7th Heaven, Chinese food, and best of all, dinner with Cloud. And Aerith. And Yuffie.
"Okay, so maybe this isn't perfect if Yuffie's here..." Tifa thought to herself, "But at least Cloud is."
"Hey, does anyone know why people decided to use chopsticks?" Yuffie asked, "I mean, what kind of a dolt would use a couple pieces of wood instead of the nice....shiny....gleam of..... silverrrwarrrrrrr--" Her voice trailed off at the thought of silver. Tifa sighed.
"Hey, has anybody realized that we haven't gotten our food for 40 minutes?" Aerith said, "What's taking them so long?"
"They're probably just putting more time into it then usual," Cloud said, "I mean, we are the ones that saved the world."
"NO YOU DIDN'T!!" a voice yelled from across the room, "IT WAS ME! AND DOMINO! AND MUKKI! AND--HEY! WHAT'RE YOU--OW! OW!!!!" Shortly, he was brought out the door.
"Stupid neurotic..." Tifa muttered, "We did save the world.."
"What were we talking about?" Cloud asked, "I forgot."
"Why they haven't given us our food yet." Aerith replied.
"Hey, I bet it's just because those Chinese people are stupid and aren't competent enough to cook it," Yuffie said, "I mean, they are the ones who use chopsticks instead of--"
"Shut up, Yuffie." Aerith said, disgusted, "Chinese are cool."
"YEAH, BUT YOU AREN'T, CLOD! YO MAMMA SO DUMB IT TAKES HER--OW! QUIT IT! OW! OW! HEY, WHERE'RE YOU TAKIN' ME?! YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME, CLOD!!" The voice trailed off as it was dragged away.
"He appears to be angry at me." Cloud observed. Just as he said that, a man came out of the kitchen and handed them their food.
"We are sorry," he apologized, "We had to put extra time into it because you kind people saved the world."
"See?" Aerith said to Yuffie triumphantly, "Chinese are cool!"
"Hmph," Yuffie grumbled, still not convinced, "If they were cool, they'd offer me that Jade Monkey sitting on the altar over there."
"A jade monkey on an altar.." Aerith noted, "Isn't that a little too weird to put in a simple fanfic like this? What kind of a dolt would do that?"
"I HEARD THAT." boomed a voice from above.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at the house, Cait Sith was busy chatting with Luna on the internet, Red XIII was writing his autobiography "How I Use a Comb as a Weapon and Other Mysteries of FF7" the sequel to 'How Relm Uses a Paintbrush in Battle: Who Thought This Up?', Barret was playing Parappa with Cid, who wanted to play Cidfighter, Vincent was sitting in a chair, thinking as usual, and Hanpan had fallen asleep.
So,
Cait Sith typed,
In the words of Barret, "How yo' bein?"
Not so good,
Luna replied,
Serena's been sluffing off in school again, Artemis fell off the roof, and I think I'm getting a gray hair. You?
Oh, Biggs and Wedge died about 15 times.
Oh, Nothing new, in other words.
Nothing new.
"U rappin awful??!! Foo', I had da' Funky Flow!!" yelled Barret's voice from another room.
"Barret, let's face it," Cid said in the other room, "You can't play Parappa worth #$!%*."
"Shut yer hole, foo', it's this here CD!! I tell ya', I wuz rappin' betta then I ever did befo'!!!"
"I don't give a %**$#! C'mon, c'mon, let's play Cidfighter. I know how to play as Evil Cid and Shera! Actually, I can't see why they put her in."
"Shu' up, foo'! I just lost the Funky Flow again! Stupid *@&%$ frog!"
"You never had the @&%^@&$ Funky Flow!"
Cait sighed and went back to his work.

Barret's trying to play Parappa with a gun-arm again....
Hasn't he learned by now that it's impossible to do that? Well, he probably just wants to keep Cid from playing his own game.
Cidfighter?
Yeah, that's it. Switch to another font, could ya? I can't read it.
*In Windings* How's this?
Much better....
*In Wingdings* Okay, I'll stay this way.
Hey, I was being sarcastic!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back at IHOD, the trio were enjoying a meal of good ol' Chinese food. Unfortunately, an evil life form at the same table was being incredibly annoying. As usual.
"This food sucks!" Yuffie whined, "Where're the twice-as-large-as-fast-food -places' hamburgers that cost too much?"
"Just shut up and eat." Cloud said, chewing a piece of tofu.
"Yeah, Yuffie," Aerith said, munching a piece of Peking Duck, "IHOD doesn't serve junk, it serves food."
"Hey, I like junk!"
"You would." Tifa muttered.
"But I thought hamburgers were junk only if they came from fast-food places!" Yuffie whined some more.
"Nope," Tifa said, "The rule changed. It's about the only thing that Shinra's done right."
"Those damn Shinra...." Yuffie muttered.
15 minutes later.... "I don't know how to hold these stupid chopsticks!" Yuffie complained.
"Will you be quiet already?" Tifa said, annoyed, "I haven't been able to think about why they have that Jade Monkey on the altar ever since you started talking!"
"Huh?" Yuffie asked stupidly.
"You know, the monkey over there above Biggs and Wedge. Look, it just fell on Wedge."
"Aieeee!!!"
"What monkey?" Yuffie asked again. "Look, it's right next to that table over there where the moose and the duck are sitting."
"Still don't see it."
"Look, it's the thing that everybody's pointing at."
".......Wait a sec.......wait...........waiiit............nope."
Tifa slumped down in her chair.
"You actually bothered to help her?" Aerith asked not believing what had happened.
Oh.....that monkey...Hey, that's a nice monkey!"
"Don't get any ideas," Cloud told her, "Master Moo Shoo might throw us out."
"That worthless piece of pork? No way."
"Hey, he's not worthless, he was almost in a game!" Tifa countered, "That is, until his brother rapped better than he did. He almost owned the Meates Dojo!"
"That game was stupid. Now, Grand Theft Auto and Wedgger, those are games!"
"The game about that frog with the stupid name?" Tifa laughed out loud.
"WEDGGER STINKS!!" A small frog sitting across the room turned his head and glared at Tifa.
"Oh, I am so sorry. What're you gonna do, zap me with your little heat-seeking tongue?"
Wedgger nodded and targeted his tongue at her.
"Tifa! Duck!" Aerith shouted.
"No thanks, I'm full."
"No! I mean--"
Wedgger opened his small mouth releasing his long tongue which stretched out and flew at Tifa. Tifa ducked and the tongue flew at Yuffie. Instead of hitting Yuffie however, the tongue paused and slapped Aeris in the side of the head.
"Wedgger's tongue seems to have hit Aerith instead of Yuffie and Tifa." Cloud observed.
"The heat-seeking tongue changed targets because Yuffie's cold-blooded." Tifa explained.
"Am not!" Yuffie pouted.
"Are too!"
"Uh....." Yuffie tried to remember what to say next.
"That frog's gonna pay...." Aerith muttered, concentrating on a spell.
Wedgger stuck his tongue out at Aerith.
"FLARE!!" Aerith called out.
Balls of flame spiraled around Wedgger, coming faster and closer, until sucked themselves into him. After a short pause, they flew out, bursting the frog beyond recognition. Green goo flew everywhere, scorching whatever they touched.
"Oh my god! You killed Wedgger!" Yuffie shrieked at Aerith.
Everybody in IHOD cheered, except Biggs; he had been killed by the goo.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chun-Li sighed. Everything had been going perfectly at Chop Chop Master's International House of Peking Duck (IHOPD) until Sakura mentioned Tail of the Sun. Then Rose had to blast that caveman guy who threw his club at her with a Soul Spark and drive him out of the building.
Rose sighed. If Chun-Li hadn't yelled at the caveman and told him that game stunk more than anything else, then she could have had a good time eating her Peking Duck.
Ryu sighed. He hated eating out
. Sakura groaned. She had missed Loveboat: The Next Wave. Oh well, she could always listen to Hanson if she wanted to feel better.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey, did you just feel that?" Cait Sith asked Vincent, who was the only other one awake.
"Feel what?"
"It's like some others that are like some of us are somewhere else..."
"Huh?"
"Or maybe it was that pear I had for lunch."
"Probably."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So." Ryu said, trying to start a conversation as they were walking home through the cold fog.
Nothing happened.
"I said SO." Ryu repeated.
"Sorry, we can't hear you over Sakura's groaning."
"Sakura, don't make him hit you with a hadoken..." Rose warned.
"He can't hit me with one of his fireballs! I'm his number one fan!"
"You aren't his number one fan, I am. Chun-Li told Sakura, "And they aren't called 'fireballs', they're 'hadokens'."
"Yeah well, don't hurt me with one of your uh, Suidokens or whatever." Sakura mumbled.
"And I'm his number one fan!" Rose cried at Chun-Li.
"No you aren't!" Chun-Li countered.
"I'm his number one fan!" Sakura whined.
"No you aren't! I am!"
"No, I am!"
"No, the boy is mine!" Sakura argued.
"No he isn't, no he isn't!" Rose and Chun-Li both shot back.
"Uh.........darn." Sakura didn't know what to say next.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Yuffie, I can't believe you like Frogger." Aerith said to Yuffie as they strolled back to the house.
"Well, I like Hanson, Tail of the Sun, Loveboat: The Next Wave, Grand Theft Auto, The Spice Girls, Spawn: The Eternal, Pikachu, Teletubbies, The Virtual Boy, and Camp Nowhere, so why shouldn't I like Frogger?"
"She's got a point there." Cloud pondered.
"Really? I do?!" Yuffie gasped, astonished, "That's like, the first time!"
"No, I meant there's something pointy sticking out of your pocket."
"Oh. The Jade Monkey."
"Let me see that." Aerith said, reaching for Yuffie's pocket.
"No! Ha, ha. Uh, that's okay. You don't have to see it, I'll, uh, read what's on the bottom. " Yuffie began to read the fine print on the bottom of the Jade Monkey:
Made in Spamsolvania.
"Spamsolvania? Where 'n the heck is that?" Cloud asked, baffled.
"I dunno. Sounds scary though." Tifa replied.
"Hey, I like Spam!" Yuffie whined.
"You would." Aerith muttered.
Spamsolvania, eh? Hmm, if I could get some more monkeys, I could come up with some hideous plan to rule the world with them! Yuffie thought to herself, Now, if I only knew where Spamsolvania was...Hee, hee, hee...This is even better than the idea of making Cid watch Pikachu Meets The Spice Girls while listening to the Teletubbies sing Mmmbop!
"Yuffie, what are you thinking?" Cloud demanded.
"Uh, um, oh, er, nothing!" Yuffie stammered.
"Oh, I don't mind you thinking about that." Cloud said.
"Hey, out of curiosity, ever met anybody named Dullard?" Yuffie asked Cloud as they approached the door.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cait Sith heard a knock on the door. "Vince, they're here." he called to Vincent, "Lets see if Cloud managed to retain his dignity."
Vincent, ignoring Cait, strode over to the door and opened it.
Yuffie made a dramatic entrance through the door, grabbed all her belongings, a mouse, and a copy of MmmBop, tied them in a sack, and burst out the door again before Cloud, Tifa and Aerith even had time to get in.
"What's with her?" Vincent asked.
"Oh, nothing," Tifa replied casually, "She found some sort of a Jade Monkey, so now she's all worked up over something.
"Did you say Jade Monkey?" Cait asked Tifa.
"Yeah, why?"
"Oh, the Jade Monkey has gone down a few generations in my family. Sit down, my friends and I shall tell you a tale."
"Uh, no thanks. We, uh, haven't got time." Aerith said hastily.
But it was too late.
"It all started back in...say 65,000,000,000 B.C. when a caveman named Kino set foot on a pointless quest to restore all the organic tomato plants in the whole of Patagonia..." Cait began.
"This could take a while.." Tifa grumbled.
3 hours later....
"And that's why they sell hot dogs in packages of eight and hot dog buns in packages of six." Cait Sith finished.
"So what does that have to do with the Jade Monkey?" Vincent asked.
"I dunno. It's a cool story though." C.S. replied, "I'll tell you another."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "We're ba-aaaaaack." Sakura called in her high pitched whine, waking everybody up as Ryu, Chun-Li, Rose and she entered the house. Everybody in the house, except Sakura, plugged their ears.
"What 'n the @&$#@ was that??" Ken roared, "Damn, I'm pissed!"
"Do more swim a send!" Sodom said, waking up.
"Wake-up calls....Back in my day, we had buckets of ice water dumped on our heads! And we had to sleep naked, too! Had to use our own clothes for covers! Didn't have none of these fancy shmancy pillows and sheets! That's cuz' we were tougher back in the day....Super moves, Alpha Counters, Turbo Speed, Auto Guard, Custom Combos, humphh! All we had were a standing Jab, a jumping Strong punch, and a low Roundhouse! And we knew how to use em', too! Why I remember one fight where I....." Gen ranted.
"Shut up, Gen." Dan mumbled sleepily, tossing a pillow at him. The old man ducked quickly, causing the pillow to ricochet of the bicycle hanging on the wall. It hit Dan square in the face, knocking him out the window and killing him. The broken glass and the frame of the window fell onto Charlie, killing him as well.
"Go jaw clack boot!" Sodom grunted.
"Oh my God! You killed Dan and Charlie!" Chun-Li exclaimed.
"You bastards!" Ken yelled, "Charlie hasn't even said anything yet!"
"Hey, what did I say about all this throwing pillow stuff?" Rose said, flipping on the light.
"If you don't have anything nice to throw, throw a futon." everyone in the room chorused.
"That's better." Rose said.
"Futon war!!" Chun-Li cried, hurling a futon at Akuma, who was sitting in the corner, concentrating.
"My patience is wearing thin....." Akuma grunted.
"Sorry." Chun apologized.
Futons flew across the room, smashing into anything in the room. Two targets were Dan and Charlie--who had just re-spawned--who were instantly suffocated.
"Oops, my bad." Rose said, her hand over her mouth.
"Die get key, do!" Sodom said, tossing a futon at Ryu.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The next morning in Midgar, Cait Sith had told Cloud, Tifa, Aerith, and Vincent the stories of Why They Sell Hot Dogs in Packages of Eight and Hot Dog Buns in Packages of Six, How the First Supermarket Got a Discount on Cheese, Why Stamp Paste is So Magically Delicious, Why AOL is So Unreliable, The Reason We Should all Wear Scuba Diving Gear, How ICQ Got So Cool, and finally, The History of the Jade Monkey.
"I can't believe you kept us up all night listening to stories about nothing." Tifa grumbled to Cait Sith.
"Kinda like Seinfeld, ain't it?" Cait remarked.
"Wait, wait, wait. WHICH was the first ride to make you dizzy?" Cloud asked, shaking his head.
"It was the Crowbar Whirl." Cait Sith told him.
"Oh, yeah....."Cloud remembered, "Thanks. And what was the first cheese the supermarket discounted?"
"Limburger."
"About this Jade Monkey," Vincent interrupted, "It's manufactured in Spamsolvania, Cat Espers are supposed to find it, and they're also supposed to stop those who carry the Jenova cells from doing anything bad with it?"
"Yep. Now I've gotta go take it back before she does something Yuffieish with it." Cait replied.
"What do you think she's planning to do with it?"
"Oh, I bet she'll melt it down and make a Shuriken out of it to take over Spamsolvania." Cait replied coolly.
"No, even Yuffie wouldn't do something like that." Tifa said.
"If that was a horse, I wouldn't bet on it." Cait said to her, hopping over to his room. "What did he mean by that?" Cloud questioned.
"We'll explain it to you later, Clod, er, Cloud." Aerith said hastily.
"Why don't we all go to sleep. Tifa, you can sleep on the couch."
"No! You have the couch! I want to sleep next to Cloud!"
"No, I should!"
"No, me!"
"I'm taller!"
"I'm shorter!"
"I'm younger!"
"I'm older!"
"Cloud likes me more!"
"No, he likes me more."
"No, me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
"Me!"
They continued to argue, unaware of the fact that Cloud had already taken the couch.

End of Part 1 (dun dun DUN!)