Last night I was abruptly stung with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
I was laying in my bed enduring the nightly task of self-loathing and criticism when all of a sudden I felt and urgent need to talk to someone. I desperately found my phone book and began frantically turning the pages, scrolling down each name looking for someone to dial up. I dragged my index finger down the alphabetical list, internally whispering “no” as I passed each name. I soon came to the end of my book. Disbelief hit me like a dictionary to the face. Over 100 names and I didn’t have a single person I felt I could call! This couldn’t be right… I reviewed my phone book 3 more times and still came up with nothing. Where were my friends?
Puzzled, I climbed back into my bed. I propped a couple of pillows behind my head and thought about all the people I loved and trusted. Why couldn’t I call them? The answer was simple- I didn’t want them to know I was struggling and having problems.
All my life I have only let a select handful of people know the inner workings of my soul. Only the few elite were ever told of my troubles. They were the ones to help and guide me as they shared in my burdens. They were my source of life. And although they claimed not to mind supporting me, I was ultimately draining them and pushing them away.
I realized that all my life I had been looking for what some would call the “great mother;” the one person who would be everything to me. The problem is that no one is indispensable nor perfect; no one human being can be everything to us. I knew I only sought out people I thought could fulfill me, and held the rest as casual acquaintances. Was that why I felt I had no one to call?
There are few people who fill me. I never want just a drop from someone, I want a cupful from the people in my life. Am I wrong to feel that way? Is this a reason I became so sick?
It is like I am empty inside, missing all of my organs- my life sources, but scared to tell anyone. If a group of people knew, they could all donate and contribute to filling me up. But instead of asking a group of people for help, I choose one person and take everything from them. I bleed them until they have nothing left to give.
I have become so isolated and disillusioned because my best friends or sister or parents can’t possibly be everything to me. I need to realize that I need many people in my life. Each friend can meet my specific needs…
And God can fill in the gaps.
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