Poems to date: 82
invot.vze
My Poetry
5.8.03. Tides of Praise
It comes to you in the night like a mist of wonder. Feeling your sorrow and drinking it in. The life you once took on this fairy tale ride. It sits on top of the mountain waiting for your rescue. Flesh to bone and death it lives. Slaved into your thoughts. Freedom brought by love and passion. It's lips cold as diamonds glittering in the sun. Lashes out at my mind. Taking me in. I'm being sold to the sun goddess for this treason. Sweet Victory...
5.9.03 In Deceiving Formation
Lusting after the beast within my soul. The sage in your eyes won't be hidden. Killing the night with her cries for freedom won't go undiagnosed. Something in the wind tells you to stop this game and follow your heart. Slowly it creeps into your windowsill like a cat on the prowl. Dust in the air keeps it from striking. He knows you like a son. He owns your flesh and sings to your captive nature. Licking it's lips, desires to taste your wounds. Pour yourself into my arms and let me take you from this pain. You do not belong to this cage. Selfish lies and ignorant faith has let you in. I wipe the blood from your lips and drown your depression in my flood. Emotions can save your last bit of love. Take them in like an old friend. Call on them to save your mind from the place in the dark. Turn on the night light when you need it. It still calls you back....
5.9.03. Pregnancy
It's not what they say it is. Pregnancy is not the worst thing that can happen to you when you have unprotected sex. What about the STD's that give you horrible pain and prevent you from ever having children, even when you are ready. Having a beautiful child smiling at you every day. Knowing that you have created a future. Life is beautiful, don't chose death.
5.9.03. Sickness Disguised
Pull these sheets away from my bones. I feel the pressures of life wearing away at my hair, bones, fingernails. I am retreating into this pond of death. I run and run into nothing and I have no direction, but straight. Working off this pain and humiliation. I pull at these handles, how dare they be labeled with love. No one feels such emotion for them. How dare you call yourself thin with such joy. Like a trophy for you to show off. Food as an addiction to my flesh. It overcomes me as I scarf down each pleasurable bite. Bright like stars I see the liquid pour down my throat. The stinging does not bother me as the skin peels away from my face. I don't feel the constant throttling in my head as I eat my life away. I prize this body. I love this look. My mirror is in one thousand pieces scattered across my bed. Lies in the sea of pollution. She says to me be wary of the fruit and sweetness. I eat her to. All of the muscle and bone. She's gone, like me. I taste nothing, but grease and the wheels of time. They are like me always running in one direction, never getting any where new. Always seeing the scenery. Hamsters must be thin.... Like me
5.9.03. Remember
There is a way, back into your memory. A day once lost in your scrap book in time. You pick up the phone maybe and dial some forgotten numbers. Her voice makes you feel like there is hope worth living for. Think hard, concentrate. Let it flood into your veins, hot and aggressive. Don't let it blind you, but let your mind wrap around it. Remember what you wanted as a child. Those simple things that let imagination play for hours. Your favorite doll, the jewelry your mother gave you. There's more to cherish than you think. The strange twinkles in your eyes have been cried out. Into the many pillows in your life. Sorry to say that this world is meant for the living, not the dead. For in death there is a new world to be lived. It scares me you're in this place of Desperation.
5.10.03. Cherish The Young
Sleep little one and cherish your dreams. What lies ahead of you is not so friendly. Sleep young child, for tomorrow will be rough, you will wish you had kept these memories sealed. You'll wake up a new person and have more trials before you. The pains of knowledge. The torture of litteracy. I pray you never become what I am. I hope to our father that you never see the light. Stay in your dreams, stay safe with the rabbits and unicorns. Those poweder blues and gingam thoughts can fill your heart with happiness if only you let them. Dream on little soldier, not of wood or tin, but flesh and blood that continues to flourish. Growing bigger each day, unaware of the world and it's hardships. Stay young and beautiful. We're all dying out here in the cold and the open. You are wrapped up in your mothers love. Lullibies and nap time call to you when you're older. Love them while you can. There is no promises to keep them by your side. You'll miss your dear friends when you have gone off the marry. Stay asleep, for me at least, little one.
5.11.03. Funeral
Dress in black to signifie my mourning. Dress in white to sign out my purity. Dress in blue to cheer myself up. Dress in nothing to let myself down. This is the day where all has no meaning. This is the event where we say our goodbyes. Is this the time for me to cry? In the place, this holy place where all is sacred and all hope is not lost. Please come back to me, like the wind across the grass in the meadows of time. They never really leave although you never see them. Is that how our new relationship will be? Eternally watching over me as I sin and commit new acts of malice, never seeing what good I have done since there is none. I'll place your picture on the shelf and cuddle those toys you sent me in the mail. How you never lost your grace amazes me. So beautiful even in death. With those flowers in your hair, my ballerina beyond the grave. Tell me that you're not gone. Gone in the physicle. I don't care anymore for anything else just reciving your love in something I can touch and feel rather than this ghostly message. But all is not lost in your memory, I will remember. I will Dress in Black.
5.12.03. Life Times
The test of time can break the human spirit into many things worth having faith in. The right kind of love won't come in the day that you need it most, for this will make you stronger. Perhaps you will fall like so many others and get weaker instead. I pray that we all emrace these times and be thankful for our tests. In the end we all make the grade, at least in my eyes. If we ever find the meaning of this life I should not be surprised, I already know my meaning. This life was not meant to be spent on the computer draining what little knowledge you posses into a screen. Only weak mindless chaps will read your poetic thoughts and what's the use in that? But don't we all deserve a little prasie now and then. But don't we all deserve a pat on the back and some hoorah. No one is good, but god. So what is the point. Why don't we just sit on that porch drinking lemonaid and whistling our cares into the setting sun. I will survive this, I will pass this test. We will all make the grade.
5.12.03. Lay Down
I'm laying here in the dark, in the cold, in this room.
I'm laying here by myself, all alone, no one is around.
I'm laying here collecting dust, never been moved, no one has touched me.
I'm laying here shivering wet, with no one to love, and no one to thank.
I'm laying here on the ground, in this filth, I'm getting tired of waiting.
I'm laying here wondering why, asking how, and praying for the stregnth ask more.
I'm laying here in this box, with no windows, and no doors.
I'm laying here with this song, in my head, around my ears never fading.
I'm laying here without a dream, with no calling, and there's no hope for me.
I'm laying here with my eyes shut, with my hands clenched, there is no sounds.
I'm laying here and my breathing slows, as my eyes go dry, as my heart beats fade.
I'm laying here as I lose all thoughts, my pain goes numb, and I die.
I die without knowing who did this to me.
I die without holding you one more time.
I die without a friend in the world to comfort me.
I die.
5.18.03. Who This Is
Touch me and I'll break. If you come near me I swear I'll jump. Don't you dare try to pry into my closed doors. Ther are bolted shut for a reason! Would I ever invite you dirty hands into my clean mind. What is wrong with this picture, who is in control. It's my call and I am making the desicion. No one can rule my life and no one can live my life. There's only one of me and millions of you. I am unique and beautiful and like a rose I can be picked and killed for my beauty. Please let me live how I want until that day comes when I need one last breath to sustain my anger. It isn't you. Not everything is about that little brain of yours. This is about me now. My hopes, dreams and adorations. They live within my undying spirit. Go ahead and try to unleash my every whim. You will get to about thought #2 and give up. You will never understand me. Just take off those tears and gossip yourself to a much deserved death. You don't care for me. You just want something to ponder. Death to those around me.
6.17.03. Write in Prose
I write in Prose to disguise my anguish
It's not lavish or dressed up in silk
It sits there plain and ugly
like a woman who has lost her lip gloss
Her cracked peeling lips seem to hang suspended against her pail skin
Flaunting is not one of my specialized skills
I have a friend who knows nothing of the world
He sits in his room and worries over the moon
Constantly pointing out it's flaws then leaning against his misery
For he has never truely know love yet he shows his flase knowledge off as a truth
Why won't they look straight into the eyes of passion and feel it's warm words
I write to escape this troublesome world
I sing to free my captive soul for I am just a prisoner of the fairytale war
I dry my hair in velvet and wish on hopes of crimson thread
Pulling my needle through the fabric of the world
Exploring the deepest depths of inhumanity
I want to see what I am worrying about
I write in Prose
6.17.03. Time Heals
She looks over her schedule and see's the stain on her dress.
Feels so ashamed at her white pearlish glimmer and how every strand fits nicely into her ribbon.
Her pale blue eyes are filled with fear this morning.
Knotts soon collide within her mind and she's falling to the ground.
The Vanity mirror has shattered in thoughts and she is grasping for her designer telephone.
Pain rushes, Memories Flood, there's no escaping the past for it filled her veins and is now a part of her.
It was that very morning last year that brought her to this state, how she regreted it so.
But now I have a career and a new life that is wonderful...
She won't stop to realize that this life is not all about her, it's about so much more than meetings and opportunities.
Alas she is taking her last breath of bitter remembrance and fallen into the world like so many do.
She won't wake up tomorrow to the same ideas and lusts.
Time has escaped her
6.17.03. Kosher Dreams
Every where and everything is spinning around my head
Can't get these images out of my mind
Should we continue the blood shed?
Or should we stand in the memory of man kind.
Living here in the chaotic time
People scattering into the trees
I feel the need to draw the line.
I'm laying here with no lock for these keys.
Shut the door behind you son.
Don't say a word for them to hear.
Those men have hearts for evil that has just begun.
their wooly coats our minds to shear.
Listen to the drums of war
Like my heart beat racing
From my bones this flesh has torn
And my heart keeps pacing.
They marked us now with that unholy patch
In attempt to kill us all.
Keep me safe inside these walls until they undo the latch.
Something's coming to feed on us, weak and small.
We live for our beliefs.
We die for our hair color.
There is no savior in relief.
And there's no where to take cover.
6.17.03. Regret
The light in the window begins to fade. A flash of blood and then a streak of pain rushes through his long closed mind. Why are these thoughts coming back to him now. Could they means something deeper than a nightmare?
She falls to the floor and grips her face in horror. Twisting her memory into tiny paper cranes lying on the dust covered ground. Maybe this is what she has been desiring after.
They both colide in a dimly lit stair well. They're past dwelling in the moonlight of the night before. The touching of finger tip, the exchanging of breath. It has faded now into regret.
6.18.03. Power of the Pen
As the sun sank down into the snow it melted it's glory and shone with such power it could have dismissed all other immortal beings.
And as the unicorn with golden wings of light decended into the vast sky it whispered the secrets of many years past. All knowledge in here unwavering grace and beauty.
And as the moon hung lifless in the pale shadows of darkness it seemed to smile down onto all of creation. Laughing with the joy of the tides and pulling on the hearts of young lovers.
And as her paper sat there blank and empty she saw it's potential and filled it with the memories of her lifetime. And then it became her canvase.
6.21.03. Apperances Unmasked Worries
The spaces in her mind travel all through her dressing table and cascade ontop the linin closet filled with memories of showers past. They fall like rain apon her stained pillow case and they sit apon her face like trophies from an undisclosed contest. She does not love them like her others for this is the like of a beauty queen.
6.25.03. Gothic Delema Dreams
Frantic beauty, sarrow fades her away into darkness. Searching for the one true loving soul out there willing to give his heart for her lipstick soaked lips. Flush and ready to take on he world she steps out of her cherry colored carriage into the cold world beneath her. She clings to her black fishnet concealed breast and takes one last glance at her virgin spirit. Away into the night she flies.
It takes her deep into the night.
6.27.03. Blissfully Ignorant
Taste it in a golden golblet
Smell it in a silken beaded pouch
See it in a diamond encrusted frame
Hear it crystal clear in stereo
Touch it in a smooth pillar of smoke
Sugar coat your life and pretend everything is worth much more than it is.
Wake up and smell the death.
7.17.03. A Life Fails
Tonight we die with our hopes and dreams
Tomorrow we live without ever knowing where we came from
Why we met twice
Why we drifted slowly, but surely to the edge.
Always questions with little answer, but still this life made sense while we had it.
Now I am moving on without regret and I won't be returning
Understand it wasn't something that we did, but it is just my nature.
Always leaving, never staying.
I am afraid of this friendship you speak of.
I am afraid of getting close to someone I know I will leave some day eventually.
It is the inevitable.
7.17.03. Running
Taming the night that is black with evil. Fearless dreaming never stopping to chase reality. Nothing is free, but everything is for the taking. In this heart, at this moment I am without shame and I am about to do whatever it takes to make it to the top of those misty mountains. Swirling thoughts alround my being. What do they all mean? I don't really care becuase right now I am running and only thinking of that eternal goal. Freedom. It's almost within my grasp, in fact I think I can hear her sweet voice in my head already. Who cares about the tears falling steadly from my eyes, I don't. They are there for their own reasons. Maybe they wanted freedom too from my tightly shut eyes. I'll never know. And I don't really care becuase right now, I'm running.
7.17.03. Open
This isn't about what isn't, can't you see the potential in what could be? Is it just me or is there actually some good in everything if you just shut up to look harder. You need to open those tear encrusted eyes to realize not everything is wasted. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. See over there? Yes, that is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and you know what? It's yours, if only you let it, but you need to accept yourself before anyone can give you anything. Emotional, Physical, you need to accept your soul as a perfect beautiful being. People like you. People love you. You need to take that and embrace it. Can you see it now? Please.
7.17.03. In So Deep
Finally, someone who knows me. Finally, someone who cares about me more than anything or anyone in this entire universe. Finally, someone who would do anything for me if need be. Finally, someone who thinks about me constanly and always wants what's best for the both of us. Finally, I have a future. Finally, I have something worth hanging on to. Finally, I know I haven't wasted all of those years crying on my pillow late at night. Finally, I get to see the man who is commited to me before God and man. Finally, I hear his soul in every peice of poetry he sends my way. Finally.... I'm In Love
7.17.03. Independance
I feel so lost sometimes. Like I don't know if anyone is watching me. Like I'm here, but no one really acknowledges my pain, or my suffering. The feeling you get when you are all alone in a forest and your lost and no one knows that you even left the house. It's that kind of feeling that has been dwelling in me for the past few days. I don't have an escape rope, I don't have a trap door. I'm trapped in this relm of fear and wondering. When I cry out for help I am made to feel immature and lazy. I hate this, I need someone to help me. I am not Miss Independant.
7.18.03. Deadly Religion
Death is different than anything we have experienced here on earth. We have schools to teach us how to live, but where are the schools to learn how to die. Maybe they are in the churches and the sunday schools. Every where you turn there is someone out there who can help you learn how to die. You just need to ask the right questions and open your mind. Christianity is a hard road to travel. You have heaven secured for you and on the other hand you friends and families that are not saved have hell secured for them. They don't see it, but it's there. Always lingering in my mind. I feel such guilt and shame at times, but not now. They have heard the message of freedom and mercy, but they turn it away. I am not afraid.
7.18.03. I'm Sorry
I'm afraid, Okay??? Damnit! I do get scared. I do love my family, even though they don't love me at times. I don't understand why this is happening. I know I act tough, like I don't need them, but just the fact that I know they won't be there anymore scares me. I'm glad you can be happy right now, not caring that she is dying, but I am afriad. I do care. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please no more. Is this becuase I denyed them? Are you trying to punish me??? Well I'm sorry. I'm just... Sorry.
7.26.03. Some Day Gone
Time has that way of taking memories
Escaping dreams and fading precious things
Diluting things worth saving
Lives and spirits dwindle
As the clocks tick on taking away time
Sending dreams into the abyss
She was there in a time long ago
Holding me in her arms when I was young
Telling me things beautiful and strange
Now gone
She was there for my father and his
Gorgeous and talented in her image I am
She would have loved me they say
Now gone
She was there for him when She was gone
Gave him something to believe in when all seemed lost
Then sickened her body withered and her spirit died
Now gone
Always in female shape death comes
I am female, does it mean for me to diminish
Does she mean for me to leave early
Will this inherited disease catch up to me
While I run from the pain
I will run, I will succeed and not be brought down
Someday...
8.06.03. Forever
Something's different.. Someone has been misplaced. The songs we used to sing have a twinge of unfamiliarity to them. The taste of this life has curddled and gone sour many years ago. Did we notice.. No.
8.12.03. Nouns
Three Golden Rings
Five Selfish Dreams
One Goes Unseen
Lost it's Glitter and it's Gleam
Four Unheard Lies
Twelve Shameful Denies
Two Dark Spirits in Disguise
As all truth slowly Dies
Six unholy Friends
Three suddenly bend
Only one proceeds to lend
And all of them begin to end
8.15.03. Prayer
Bended knee powerful position
Clasped hands tight peaceful disposition
Eyes closed shut sweet serenity
Mind on God thoughts so heavenly..
8.20.03. Dying Friends
Sitting here in this position, my mind on the one who brought me so much in such a short time.
The screen in front of my eyes hazed through the warm puddles streaming.
Why can't I hate him?
Why did he have to be so wonderful.
It's never been this hard to let go.
He was there when I really needed just a friend to listen.
He was there when I thought I couldn't go on without someone to hold my hand.
He was there when pain shot through my heart and I was met with loneliness.
Now he's going, leaving me with my memories to keep me company.
So far away, no way to reach out and touch each other like we used to.
Like two young children playing with their ignorance and innocence.
Like two old friends reminecing and making new magic moments each lazy afternoon.
I can't stop this hurt, I can't control anything anymore.
Emotions have me by the neck, choking me up, inside and out.
A friendship so beautiful, I could never wish it to be true.
I should have known better... I thought I would be the one to leave..
.
It shouldn't be so hard.
10.24.02. The Yard of Depression
Please, take my tears and save them up
In that place you call a heart
I don't see how you could remain
as cold as winter's flame
Touch my heart and take a peice
Don't leave me any pride
Lift it up inside that void
And I save no place to hide
You're laughing
I'm running
Please go away
You say you
don't want me
and I'm begging you to stay.
Why, I don't know why
Who, it's everyone.
What, it's hate, it's haunting me.
Where, it's everywhere
IT'S EVERYWHERE!!!!!!
I can't exscape,
it's trapping me
I cannot breathe
It's holding me
A prisoner to my own fate.
Can you help me
It might be too late
I'm leaving now
I won't return
to this earthly place
you should have learned.
Lessons, Lessons all around you.
Feelings, trapped deep inside.
Running, embarrassed through the doorway
"Can you help? I've lost my way. I need your help, save me."
But it's too late, I'm already gone.
Save someone else. Too late for me. Don't let her get hurt. Save her.
11.19.02. Prenup
Till death do us part,
is that what we mean?
Or is it
Untill I want more
More than you have to offer.
In sickness and in health
But that's not true either.
More like
In health and in Wellness.
More well than you are.
For richer or for poorer.
It's not that, but
Buy my love
Until you become poor
They say the words
It takes to stay
But everyone
Who does not mean them
Never does
12.14.02. Starting to Love Winter
The ice over head loomed heavily in my mind.
The wind through the branches that didn’t seem to mind that they were bare.
Even as the gentle paper whites still seemed to bloom.
And when I saw the moon in it's glory shining down on it all.
He looked as though it was all belonging to his kingdom.
Every one of the snowflakes dancing in my eyes.
Imagining all of the stars huddled close is the wintry air.
It all looked blue on earth and the sky, like sparks on black velvet.
I stood there silently.
My eyes closed and unaware of the rest of the earth.
Crisp cool wind touching gently on my skin.
Is winter becoming a season I long for?
It might, with these beautiful trees like a canopy over me.
With the fresh grass calling me to lay in their softness.
With those winter birds that greet me each morning.
This winter will be the winter I start believing.
1.05.03. 'Song 1'
Death into life
To breath and to die
to praise and to mourn
You don’t get it anymore
You say you love
You give it away
You seem
To have it all
But you don’t know what that really means.
Take me in your hands
Hold me tight
Kill me with your thoughts
and seem alright
You hate me
so much
You want to take my life
away with your touch
I love you darling
You are so sweet
But tonight your dying
down at my feet
2.16.03. Blossom**
There is nothing left to say
I've given up on this place
I never thought I'd do
what I'm about to do,
But I know
I know
No one sees me like I see me
No loves me like I love myself
No one touches me
The way that I need
Touch me
Touch me
I gave it all I had to give
and now I'm going
so far away
I don't need this life
and I don't need you
to tell me
tell me
No one sees me like I see me
No one loves me like I love myself
No one touches me
The way that I need
Touch me
Touch me
Everything is dying
We all drift away
Nothing has meaning
Why should I stay
Where are all the answers
Where do I belong
So many questions
I need to end them all
No one sees me like I see me
No one loves me like I love myself
No one touches me
The way that I need
Touch me
Touch me
2.23.03. My Knowledge of Life
Just breathing every day. Waking up to find that you are alive. The rough night before has brought you to this low state of life. There was no presence of death hanging on your every toss or turn. You had no disease proven to be fatal yesterday. No, you have been chosen to pass onto what many like to call...The here and Now. I have been chosen as well, which means to me that there is something I need to do before it is my time to go on to the next life. Should it be to help my fellow Homosapian? Or is it that they should help me in something deep and meaningful. I have no idea what will await me in the days to come, that is...if I live to see another. Who knows what will be brought with the rising of the moon and it's partnered falling of the ever present sun. Every new day, many are not chosen to stay here on this Planet. They move on to be with their new life or death. Still uncertain about the new days before them. Will we ever be clear about the here after? I still have no idea. All I really know about this is that I am ready to go when I am needed. I am ready to be a different kind of chosen one. I am accepting of my ultimate fate that is not only mine, but is that of all mortal creatures on this earth. We all must be ready, you might not be chosen tomorrow, and I might not be waking up. Who knows. The only true controling power over this kind of uncertainty is Self Expiration, or Suicide. But even then, when you take that cold knife to your wrist was it meant to be? Were you predestined to take all those pills on this very night? We'll never know. Or maybe, when we too die, will be given all the answers. But then where would we be in our minds. Totally content with all we know. Or would we continue to search for answers to questions no one bothered to ask. For they would have no meaning in our perfect lives. But untill then, keep searching for the answers and be prepaired for the unevitable, Death.
12.02.03. Let Us Take Moment
Let us take a moment, shall we?
To listen to our friends beg us
To hear our conscience plee
To notice how crazy we sound
To those we keep close
Let us take a moment, would you?
To hear me out when I cry
To look away from yourself just a moment
To spend some time with those you loved
To realize you have caused pain
Let us take a moment, should I?
To remember who you were and wonder
To love you once again this time flawed
To struggle through apologies and forgive
To accept your imperft beauty as my own
Let us take a moment, shall we continue?
Let us take a moment, shall we?
To listen to our friends beg us
To hear our conscience plee
To notice how crazy we sound
To those we keep close
Let us take a moment, would you?
To hear me out when I cry
To look away from yourself just a moment
To spend some time with those you loved
To realize you have caused pain
Let us take a moment, should I?
To remember who you were and wonder
To love you once again this time flawed
To struggle through apologies and forgive
To accept your imperft beauty as my own
Let us take a moment, shall we continue?
1.01.04. Fate
The dice rolled off my fingertips
They gently tapped along the polished stone before coming to their final dance.
Their many faces seemed to be laughing at me as they twirlled in silence.
For they held my fate within their cubed features.
They would decide whether I would move on or forever stay in my solitude.
I uncoverd my eyes to reveal their final choice.
I took one deep breath and saw it for my self...
'Game Over'.
1.10.04. Exposing The Problematic Self Images Inside
Self examination is such a daunting task, Fully exposing and harsh leaving you weathered like a stone on a hill side. You're naked for the world to see, every crack on your surface leads to an underlying emotional dysfunction. Always pained never shinning. Waiting for the collector to pick you up and polish you, making your soul drift into an illusion of love. Every day watching for that hand to pick you up from your dusty state. Rub my blemishes away, I deserve to be admired like the rest of your patients. Heal my scared and tattered self. See the precious stone inside me. I could be that beautiful, if only you...
1.10.04. I am That Fool
Sitting there in a dream like state I would stare at my pen. Watching the ink flow onto my page, free with no bounds until I chose to control it. Blue and fluid like water on the edge of the falls. Stopped in time, ever motionless, stead fast in it's limitations. I then set it free from it's cage, but with bounds. I made it connect my every thought onto the sheet of white, blue, and red. I look up..
Why must there be a personification in my every thought. Some things are dead never to be awakened by magic and love. Others are real, flesh, blood pumping and ready to receive my speech. Why must I turn to inanimate objects to find this thing called love. My pen knows my every thought since I use him to portray my feelings. In his spirit, surely I would find my refuge. Why can others not see this like my pale eyes do. I close my eyes..
Alone in my presence, it's that of memories. Why should I look to the past, the past is gone and will never come to me again. Never again shall I embrace the yesterday as I once did. Here are the seconds I hold in my palm. They quickly disappear and all of the time my grasp gets weaker. I am losing them to a dull and unfulfilling life. Never again to be seen, touched, or nourished. All have gone. I wake up..
I'm still here in my seat. Everything is in order and I cannot physically see anything like the hands of time. I wish I could look into fantasies looking glass. I wish my tears were illuminated by fairy dust and life had true meaning. But what is the use of wishing for those that can never be. That would be a fool's wish indeed. I am that fool..
1.20.04. Death Porn
That cold metalic reflection
Of a woman who's life was just ending
She had washed her hands with the soap of forgiveness
She has already lifted her head up high
How could she commit that horrible sin
His eyes stained with blood and pain
His hand on the bed so lifeless and beautiful
All she can do is wait to let it sink in
That steel blade hanging nicely in her mind
The thought of crimson tides at her comand
Dripping off the ends of her finger
Like honey off her lips
He dies for her gain
And she lives for her pleasure
Take a life for you
And there's no guilt we can measure
1.21.04. Swallow
Life is beautiful like the way the sun hits the right spot in my eyes. This world is lovely as it turns in it's never fading dance. I look up into that bright blue sky wishing for a star to come out and play. I close my eyes and begin to think of the people in my life who want me to fail. I wish I could say to them what my heart keeps telling me. All these secrets can't be kept locked up for long. Someday the world will know me and my best friend. The one I can always depend on to be here. Myself. Love is what holds me together. Wrap me up safe and warm. Comfort me in that bright blue sky and help me reach for that star. Lift my spirits please, I need a quick pick me up. Be addiction. Come to me every night happiness. Let me turn off this night light. I'm begging you.
1.28.04. Love
Is it emotion that only touches the surface of thoughts?
Is it caring so much that you hurt deep inside?
I always thought it was much more than shooting stars and butterflies.
I needed to believe it was walking through walls and flying outside of dreaming.
Is love that thing that feels warm and safe like your favorite blanket on a cold winter's night?
Or is it the passion in your life for wanting what humans can never acheive.
Some people call it love when it's really a need to feel something.
Love is when you care so much about someone that you can let them go (if it makes them happy).
I know love now and it is more amazing than the fairytales stories we've all heard.
It feels like the future has been secured and everything has been placed in motion for you and your Love.
Use the word how ever you want, but use the emotion carefully.
"Love is an action word"- anyone who has truely been in love.
6.07.03. A Concept in an Indulgence Tragety
Frothy Taste and High Viscosity
Lumpy Liquids and Sour Smelling
Chunky Texture and Putrid Flavor
It sat out on the counter
In it's fully glassed form
It sat out in the noon time
In a motionless metamorphosis
I stared at it with fear
I gazed into it's deceiving picture
Took it to my lips
as it brought me to my knees
'God what is this drink?'
I ask myself in disbelief
'Was it really once a fluid?'
And then I realize.... couldn't be
It once was white
And now it's beige
It once was smooth
And now it's hilly
It once was milk
And now it's.... um
T'was cold in it's carton
Now hot in the glass
T'was Happy in it's icy home
Now as an angry demon out of the fridge
You know, I rather dislike Milk
But it has a way of... Growning on you
1.12.04. Loving Him
Take my hand and let's just walk
Listen to my stories, let's just talk.
Hold me in your arms and let's just be in love.
Hunny, Lift me up in your eyes and lets live on together.
Baby, would you be my only love forever?
8.21.03. Kokomo
I'm sitting in the darkness of the afternoon. I feel a light brushing on my arm. A glimpse of hope shadows my eyes and then disappears when I realize it's just me. All by myself again. So I sit in the corner rocking back and forth. Listening to the rain isn't comforting. The curls in my hair and the blush on my cheeks mean nothing to me any longer. No one cares, why do I put so much effort into this cultic ritual? Beach boys hum their lullish tunes letting me fall into their island like fantasy. Afternoon delight Cocktails and moonlit nights. That dreamy look in your eye Gives me a tropical contact high, Way down in Kokomo. I wish everyone knew a place like Kokomo... Lies and wishful thinking, I should dismiss it, But I'm a beach blonde beauty at heart. Margaritas and little umbrellas in my drink I long for paradise. Then the sax plays and drinks me in a little bit more. Their voices blend and..
I find myself in Kokomo.
12.23.03. Eighteen
You ripped out my wings..
You couldn't stand to see me fly.
You stiched up my mouth..
So I could never speak my mind.
You plucked out my eyes..
Never letting me see the world.
You tore of my legs..
So that I would always need help.
You removed my heart..
I shall never love again.
You plugged up my ears..
So that I could never hear you lie.
You stole my hands..
You wouldn't allow me to please myself.
You took my freedom away..
But you can never take my spirit.
One day I will be eighteen.
1.08.03. 'Remember 2'
It was in the way she remembered those times. In the sudden feeling escaping her memory and it's about how she came to be in this hour of shadow.
All through her thoughts run mists of happiness, always shrouded in magic and star dust falling from the eyes of their imortality. She longed with all of her heart and soul to reach out and touch the hem of their silken gowns and become one with them. To sit in that place in the forest where there is no evil, where there is only purity.
She woke up one day to find herself not in that happy place, but in a world filled with corruption. Where had the green leaves of the everlasts gone to? The elves and the spirits have all fled, never to return to the saftey of her dreams. They died with her ignorance and now live on in the wishes of others.
Now all that she holds in her mind is the mists of what once was. Always blurry and never quite clear. Never the same...
1.08.03. Desire
I want to be your wonderful
I long to be your lover
I dream of being your darling
I hope to be your happiness
I imagine I'm your ilumination
I yearn to be your youthfullness
Time to take that chance my love, it's time to live my dream.
You must embrace my lust for you, no matter how selfish it may seem
1.09.04. Not Worthy
My name is a gift and you should think yourself privileged that I even permit your forked tongue to speak it. My eyes are windows into the heavens, shining amongst the stars and galaxies, and you should humble yourself. I am most evil to let such a person as you see the gateways to the other worlds. You are no more deserving than I deem you. My voice echoes the choruses of angels long ago, they would not have allowed your sinful ears to listen to their sweet song, why then should I? My skin is that of a thousand silken gowns drenched in myrrh and oils, you have no right under the Earth's sun to lay your bony fingers upon such royalty. I have seen you with my minds eye, grabbing at my beauty. No longer shall you disgrace my presence. I let you go.
1.13.04. Running Out
No time to work, No time to play.
No time to go, No time to stay.
No time to be happy, No time to be sad.
No time to be good, No time to be bad.
No time to be busy, No time to be lazy.
No time to be clear, No time to be hazy.
No time to listen, No time to converse.
No time to be better, No time to be worse.
No time to be clothed, No time to be naked.
No time to be lost, No time to be taken.
No time to live, No time to die.
No time to be honest, No time to lie.
Pain it seems to live in you, wasting all your time
.
Look to better days and soon you will make the time.
1.13.04. Need
Did you know? Did you need me to tell you?
I doubt your confidence as I doubt my own.
I needed you to show me the way to everlasting.
You could not bring yourself to grips with fantasy.
I needed your wisdom to shut out the worry.
You dismissed me like a suddon breeze on a spring day.
I couldn't reach those stars on the highest shelf of the universe.
I needed you to be my stepping stone in the pool of hope.
I felt your grasp on my dreams fade and fail me.
You felt it too.
I knew you would be waiting, on the bridge into darkness.
I came to help you up, you would not take my hand.
We both drifted into the eternal no where
1.13.04. Happiness in the Home
Perfection in the form of a stained toilet and a melted tray of ice cubes
Beauty is disguised by a ratty sofa and a television set with a bad signal
Harmony in the soft humming of the refrigerator
Paradise lives in our squeaky inner-spring mattress
We are home
1.15.04. First Day
Nervouse stomach, like caged butterflies, batting their wings against the lock.
Eyes watering and stinging with each blink, a tortured unmeasured.
Breathe so heavy, like when it is cold outside.
I'm off to my first day
1.30.04. All
Flushing the area with cold water a pained task filled with flourished memory
A daunting love a passion filled wonderment in the time of desperation
One twisted painting of loss and decepion tied in with the sounds of hard breath and whining
You looked with the eye of glass and stone and saw the cleansing of human spirit
I called out to the thing from beyond strewed of metalic glimmer and flesh toned amazment
Time slipped in betweened the fingers of humanity and fell deep into the abyss of darkness
Forever lost along with ribbons and carosels in the maze of torment
All is not lost
2.14.04. And Still There is You
Although I cannot touch you
I feel your spirit
It's dancing within me
It tells me to stop crying and smile
We can still believe in angels
We're young with innocent eyes
Although I cannot touch you
2.14.04. Blue
Have you ever seen the world in one shade of blue
Did you block out all other colors in fear of their beauty
Was it a melancholy place filled with oceans and pale afternoons
A dream like state where the edges were blurred together
Or was it the song of a bird and the eyes of a girl
Have you ever seen the world in one shade of blue
2.14.04. Your Perfection
I know I'm not
who you wanted me to be
I'm not a model
Or the girl on TV
But who I am
Is who I'm proud to be
And you'll just have to deal with it
Since I'm dealing perfectly
You wanted someone
without imitation
someone true to themselves
But most of all true to you
Now you'll keep me a secret
To hide your flaws
And the mistakes you made
In having me
You told me You'd love me
Even if
The world was falling
But at my first sign of inadequacy
You're letting me go
I'm not your view of perfection
But at least I see myself in a different light
A light you never gave
A light you hid away
From me
2.15.04. Fantasy
And as this tear fell from my eye
I saw it fade into the sky
A pale blue scene of life through song
With clouds stretched out so thin and long
Made me forget about that age
Where time was written on a page
A romantic novel for two to play
Were one would cry and beg to stay
The other shy but full of wit
Never afraid to come to grips with it
The cold flat truth that love was gone
To a place where it could live on
And then I looked into my heart
And saw that moment where I would start
To long again for something more
A house with silk on every floor
The shades of red would hide my frown
And upon my frame would lye a gown
But here I stay wide awake
And feel my bones begin to ache
With the knowledge of life so wrong
Could this be where I truly belong
2.15.04. Murder as Art
Dripping blood on the canvas mind
A thought so brutal yet a picture of intricacy and meaning
The lightest stroke with hands so gentle has the meaning of malice and hatred
It's the plan of the killer so detailed and precise
We see it as crude and terrible
But as an art form it is the most beautiful, talented
2.15.04. From Time to Memory
From time to memory
There was a time
When I was blind
And all your words were true
But now I know
The seeds you sow
Were from the evil wind that blew
From your heart
Right from the start
And all the things I knew
Were just a lie
One simple deny
And suddenly we're through
2.21.04. Sarcastic Judgment
I wish you would judge me as if you know my every thought. I love it when you pull me close and tell me what I want out of this life. I dreary existence with my only salvation being your smile. Or at least this is what you pour into my ears every night. I wish you would judge me as if you know my every dream and ambition. You could subject me to the arts you know I would like and we could sing the songs of some far off play we saw together. I wish you would judge me as if you know what I would like to say to you. The things that I hold back in fear of abuse and solitude. You could realize my anguish and take it in with pride.
I wish you would judge me as if you know me.
2.21.04. Eroticism
I felt the darkness all around me
I felt your hot breath against my neck
The gentle pushing of air in your lungs brushed my ears in an escape
I could taste your passion in a thick fog around my mouth
I sighed and took you in
We became one
2.22.04. Lie to Yourself
You've got a super-imposed high gloss definition perspective on life
A twisted sham of lights and mirrors
Smoke, fog, glass so shiny and new buffed to a chrome exterior
Hues adjusted to fit your mood with the slightest tinge of crimson blush
Your eyes sparkle like the cuts of a thousand diamond edges
Dewy skin like that of golden sunlight and no sign of age
Your see the world through ruby encrusted glasses
Just keep telling yourself that...
2.23.04. Not so Much Tact
Pro-Life, Pro-Choice
Switching concept angry shouts
I hate debate club
2.27.04. The Men I Love
The men in my life are full of color
A flush existence of vibrant spirit
A mangled aray of flesh tones and make believe wonderment
Fleeing from time and consequence they lack the fears that I keep in my heart
They take each day and shove it in their pants pocket quickly forgetting that they have lost it in the dryer
Crumpled up like a meaningless ticket stub from years past
They live for the here and now and love to be in the spotlight.
First there was Him
Gorgeous eyes wrapped around secret desire
His lust for love and a passion for the unwanted
He took me into his forbidden arms and embraced my every weakness
Caring, Gracious, Forgiving
He gave me a love I have never known in this life
He was my only, He is my only.
And then He came along
With his wit and unmatched sense of humor
A curious thirst for that which other humans cannot sense
I different almost queer outlook on not only life, but things not of this existence
Spontaneous laughter after midnight rambles of why the sky grows dark
Why we can touch the stars while sitting in his room
He was my truth, He is my truth.
This man next, He brought with him my own past
We seemed to share memory in a time far from here
He read my soul and told me why he stole my emotions
So much like my own spirit we can secretly laugh at ourselves and take ourselves seriously
I had a great wound in the depths of my heart and it was Him who held the needle to stitch me up again
The thread was his words and my tears never fell on deaf ears
His poetry seeped into my flesh and there I stayed
He was my hope, He is my hope.
He came into my life when I felt like I needed no one else
I could have cast him aside with stones of other friendships
But his laughter was like spring water, cleansing my thoughts and my depressed thoughts
I felt a connection of joy through his smiling eyes
I could see my own self worth with his every enchanting word
There was a road of winding endlessness and we sang our song of triumph together without pause
We ran into the dark hand in hand and met each other on the other side, we embraced
So quickly I fell in love with His aura
He was my joy, He is my joy.
They all mean a separate world to me
I hope I mean the same
3.02.04. Dream Raper
His eyes were cold and heartless
A literal sense of demonic power manifested into his orifices
A single crescent of white filled with a shadow and a thought of hatred
Dark, with a crimson hue from blood that he had spilled with bare hands and the use of your mind
His mouth was as pale as the moon and as sinister as a crouching sun
He looked my way and I could feel his gaze bore into my forehead
Cracking the surface and sucking out my imagination
Lightning came flashing within the room and I could see the children fleeing
Pleading for my life, spare me
He stopped for a moment in an aroused gesture and pulled me in
Closer to his malice, Next to his void existence
My spirit was taken from me, and all was lost for me, and this world we knew
3.04.04. Dream Up a Love so Real
Is it really so wrong.. to want to feel your presence
Can I ask you, have you ever tasted heaven?
Drifted among the synthesized clouds and hummed a lullaby
Did you stare deep into my eyes while breathing in the summer heat
Have you ever been friends with... Love
3.09.04. Why
Why do you hurt me with an unintentional passion
Why do you see me with your naked eyes, past my skin and flesh.
Why do I let your own selfishness hurt me in a way no other has.
Why do I keep throwing myself on the fire for you and try to take your depression on myself.
Why do I need to keep asking..
Why
3.09.04. She Never
So much advice given to a woman, all wasted
Does she listen to their pleas, does she even hear their one voice as an echo of wisdom
Sometimes she sits alone and ponders the realization of her fate
What kind of toll it would take on her spirit to stay in a state of delusion
Did she care about other people when she was only thinking of him
Hurting so much inside when all she wants is happiness
She held the key to beauty, fame, joy.. all given up for the love of another
She traded in the glitter for tears
Her hope was dashed and replaced with the knowledge of the here and now
Never looking to the future, always mourning the present
3.09.04. Spaced & Shortened Thought
There, a time. There, a message.
Then, a space. Then, a wish.
Always, a thought. Always, a sometime.
Now, a faith. Now, a dream.
Forever, a poem. Forever, a moment
3.11.04. Never Forever
It has been said friendship lasts always
But who are we to say...
What will go and what will stay
Should the changes we delay
And it dies to our dismay
You once told me that our love would never end
Because in you I found a friend
Someone always to defend
And whom my heart and I could lend
A faithful dream and message send
I read this in a book that hope can never die
Yet still I ask you why
while wishes go floating by
A no, not me and how can I
Through the storm our spirit fly
It has been said Friendship lasts always...
3.19.04. I Apologize
How can I simply apologize
For things I did not realize
Would cause you to hate and despise
My untold truths and secret lies
With filthy rats and garbage flies
Led a darkness to our once blue skies
That wicked plot I did devise
And poured the freedom from your eyes
3.24.04. Sexual Death
Flesh to my flesh and creeping skin
Kill me with a steely blade, a shining slip of chrome silver light
Penetrate my inner self, inhale my pain with a smile, a glare, a thought
Kiss my tear drop blood spilling flow
Brush your hand against mine and touch your lips to my own
Let us linger in a vat of human spirit
Settle into the darkness and lust after the pierced areas
No metaphoric tale of sorrow, only sinful desire
Hurt me as I glow in the pale frost
Kill me in the evening, lover
4.02.04. Plain but True
We were fighting and I was honest
My heart was breaking and you were holding the hammer
It was you, the one I told myself loved me more than anyone
Above all people in my life, the one I should be able to trust was killing me from the inside
I lived my life inside a lie, a growing circle of hidden truths
All bottled up inside like rain water
Soon breaking the glass and flowing out, throwing shrapnel of pain into your skin
I finally told you about how I feel
I trusted you with my pain and the outcome was hard
It hurt, we cried
You made promises of love and change
I believe you now, I give you my heart
Do not break it again
4.12.04. We are Forever
Your playful spirit could caress the tears off my broken face
The memoirs of yesterdays long ago, I read with amazement and disbelief
Did we really walk those long roads together
Was it really you who took me behind the trees to show me forgotten magic
It was truly and no doubts I may have can change fact
I held your heart in my pocket and mine in your backpack
Whether through pencil of pen we wrote our future together, without words
It's been too long to feel the numbing sting of loss
Hold me once again
We are forever
4.12.04. Out of my body, but trapped in my head
Cotton sheets strewn around atop a feather top mattress
Like a rag doll dress atop a super model beauty queen
And still I lay there, in my motionless run
I can't escape these thoughts of love and misunderstanding
A window stands beside my limp frame
Proud and tall, always looking towards me, always seeing the world how it really is
Through storms, Through sunshine and spring time it never loses it's focus
Never does it turn in fear of what could be out side
I reside in this dream like state for an age and ponder philosophies of past and present
The window is my out of body experience and the door is my whole self
There was an insect banging on my window, always desiring to enter my world
How do I feel so much like him
Always banging my head against a single pane of glass, never getting anywhere from it
Yet still, cut and bleeding, I continue
I could shift from this and move on to the outside
Yet I always chose to break my head upon glass... rather than take the door
4.27.04. Origins Unknown
There was a time when love was fresh
Picked from the vine of forgetfulness
It was clear, a pale shade red
Before a time whilst hope was dead
Clambering for the first sweet bite
Never looking directly to the sight
Their captive dream of pure delight
One by one they knew not of
Hidden from them, disguised as love
5.04.04. Drained
High tide while the sun doth rise on the setting waves
And the Passionate rocking of the oceans great romantic dimise does lull us to sleep
We'll dream of star dust and burnt rose petals against a canvase of white
And look once more to each others eyes with understanding
A cursive knowledge through thought and time
A sketched in path to the end of the tunnel
We wrote our own story on coffee filter linings
There our lives dampen and discolor with the aroma of energy
And it is there that we shall live on
5.25.04. Tonight My Love
You left again tonight, my love
Although your car was draped in shadow your body seemed to glow
Your hands upon that steering wheel, just as they had been placed upon my hips earlier this evening
I'm jealous of that wretched wheel, 2 hours of your constant touch lay before it's uncaring wake
Does it appreciate the creases on your dry knuckles as I do?
You're a real man, my love
But now I sit, not upon your lap, but upon my chair as each new blink brings on another thought, another key to type
I take my sip of ginger ale and contemplate why our wood paneling has less depth than one of later age
Then looking down upon my desk I notice that I am writing down my every thought into this page of cyber non-existence
I refrain
You said to me this day, a quote of high intellect..
'they looked like sperm to me'
'They are not sperm' I replied 'They are flying Chicken Nuggets.. And I think they are very cute'
You couldn't disagree with my smiling eyes and button nose, just staring up at you with such sincerity
Now I recall that you are gone
Where your hand used to be, now a gentle breeze only touches
You left again tonight, my love
The only time you will hurt me more, is the night you leave for eternity
But until that day, I shall only utter these words, until that day that you come back to me
You left tonight, my love.
6.24.04. The Time has Come
There's about to be a huge transformation
You will see a light draped across the expanse of the sky
Your mind will not be able to comprhend it's glory
You never could
This is my metamorphosis
I'm ready to change
And I'm ready to amaze you
6.30.04. My Contribution
Mr. Ives gave us Christmas time to reflect our joy.
What could I contribute?
Mr. Lennon gave us peace to show the world.
What could I contribute?
Mrs. Dion told us that her heart would go on.
What could I contribute?
Mr. Numan decribed his ghosts.
What could I contribute?
Ms. Spears was in between her future and her past.
What could I contribute?
I'll show the world my inner Blossom and that will be my contribution.
6.13.04. Stare
She had eyes that would glow against the moonlight
Never changing in their icy glare
Always a subtle rift in movement captured in their reflective sheild
They never penetrated they only prevented
She seemed to be watching the world go by
When in all actuallity she was creating her own
Did she ever see the joy of a child through her pained cresent orifaces
But yet she could block out horror and mercilesness unlike others of her stature
She held our planet in her eyes yet never took hold completely of herself
6.24.04. What Words?
I'll talk to you as if I know you, but can we ever really know?
Not even the person inside our own bodies can tell us the truth
Can I talk to you as if I want to get to know you?
Although that isn't right either
Perhaps the meaning of conversation lies within the heart of reasoning
Twist my words and call me a liar
You would have been right, if only word could be false
Sometimes thought can't express opinion
It only is
Exsisting only for the sake of exsistance
Serving no other purpose than the one of clarification and self gratification
I'm a woman of words
Numbers only confuse me
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