A COLLECTION OF JOKERONI'S
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the artist she wants a tattoo of Paul Newman on her right inner thigh
and a tattoo of Robert Redford on her left inner thigh. The artist says no problem. She's looking at his work when
he gets done and says that she knows it's Newman because of the blue eyes, but she can't recognize the other
face. The artist disagrees and says there is a bar next door, let's go over there and get someone to look. The
woman agrees. They get to the bar and there's one guy in there. The woman sits down, spreads her legs and asks
the guy if he can recognize the faces. He says the one on the right is Paul Newman from the blue eyes, the one on
the left he has no idea and the one in the middle has to be Willie Nelson.
Melissa was towelling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few
grey pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you
haven't been getting much lately... but I didn't know you were so
worried
about it!"
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on
the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked,
"What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got
very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy
Treats' are for cats?"
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of
golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking
around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a
rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers!
The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a
reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allow-
ance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no
one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get
some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot
on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground.
Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid
and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of under-
garments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allow-
ance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and
said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some
knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her
foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt
over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her
explanation to her irate husband was the same as the
others: Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a
bit."
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"
"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an
unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to
everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good
shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold
him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he
could
locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was
used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and
soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was
willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he
felt for
the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle." The others
could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even
hotter
than before.
When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he
said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks
they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So
they
blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a
skin
that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit
longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the
bullet
hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of
course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his
skills,
over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he
staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next
morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a
shiner. So he
said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too
drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I
get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!"
"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put
your
hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and
announced in a loud triumphant tone, Skunk, killed with an ax!"
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker
entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a
variety
of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient
had
acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
found
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo
reading,
"Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the
dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about
a year, and the bride isn't getting any
sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets
changed and goes down to the pub. She's
getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is
disappointed. Al comes home every night
completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular
night when Al gets in from work, Louise is
seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has,
suspenders, stockings, and very sexy
lace panties & bra.
As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and
goes to the pub. Once again Louise is
rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself.
Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Al
coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts
her sexually provocative pose on the sofa
and to her surprise, Al's first words are "Right woman, get upstairs -
into the bedroom." "YES!" she says under
her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get
some!" When Louise reaches the bedroom, she
removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her
black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps
up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now
get you clothes off!" Louise doesn't
need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front
of the mirror..", "Kinky" she thinks "great!", "and
do a handstand...", "Oh god, I've been waiting for this for fucking
ages" thinks Louise...
AL walks over to Louise parts her legs and places his chin in her
crotch..."Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard
wouldn't suit me!"
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened
to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar,
drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not
something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the
open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she
said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds,
the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald,her skirt hiked up to
her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't
have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish..."
A little old lady has a pet poodle, and every time she has to get it trimmed, it costs her a fortune. So she decides
she's going to do it herself.
She goes to the drug store and says, "I need some hair remover."
The druggist says, "Okay, lady. Here's some hair remover. If you're going to use it on your legs, use it full
strength. If you're going to use it under your arms, use it half strength."
She says, "Oh, you don't understand. I'm going to use it on my Schnauzer."
He says, "Well, then I recommend you use it quarter strength...and I suggest you don't ride a bicycle for a
while."
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The
first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig,
because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not
even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've
never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go
into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so
I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go
into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I
see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That
night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl
asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the
links
every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took
his
game very seriously.
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy
was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and
concentration. After all the scores were submitted, he was declared
the winner of the
tournament.
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize. He
kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least
bit
interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after
a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her
husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened? Why are
you
screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my privates
and
threw it up in the air!"
This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks
into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit
as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man
out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent,as the patrons try to ignore her. At
the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar
and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's
completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around
at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying,"What man out
there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After
serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little
drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg
up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.
The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his
wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to
his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man repeats his
gestures.
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first
points
to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her
butt,
and finally to her crotch.
Well there is no way in hell the
man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs
and
asks
her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure
where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the
skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts
and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised.
While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing,
one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I
believe that I was sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much
of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later,
that same day,as the passengers were unloading again, a second
little old lady bent down and Whispered in the driver's ear, "Sir, I
believe I was sexually harassed!" This time , he knew it had to be taken
care of
soon.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to
go back question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was
going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor
underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse
me, sir, can I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well,
sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I
Thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and
mine's parted on the side!"
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