Devotional '99

Dear Friends,

Well, we’re here again with another devotional. This one was harder to put together due to the year that I had. How do I talk about things that few people know about? Just talk, I've concluded. I’ve also decided to try to add more lyrics so that those who don’t hear the songs don’t miss some of the lyrics that I hear when I listen to them.

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist"

- Verbal Kint
"The Usual Suspects"

Supernatural by DC Talk: “Beyond this physical terrain there’s an invisible domain where angels battle over souls in vast array. But down on earth is where I am. No wings to fly, no place to stand. Here on my knees I am a stranger in this land” It wasn’t hard to find a song to start off this year’s devotional. I had this one ready all year. I have never experienced such forces working for and against me as I have in this past year. I have known the world beyond ours, where the spiritual warfare has become more evident to me. While this is both awesome and scary at the same time, I find the most amazing thing in the fact that few others seem to be able to comprehend it. Christians talk about angels and demons and God, but I find that they either are inexperienced in such things, or they have a great grasp on it and know what is needed to battle. There are few who are in the middle ground. I can tell others that there is a world beyond ours, but I cannot show them. It makes me even less interested in talking about it to them than I ever felt before. A scene in “Touched by an Angel” expressed it this way. Andrew was trying to explain what it’s like. “Imagine if you will a closet, and you have a child in that closet, and that closet is this child’s whole area in which to experience life. You care for this child from the very beginning, and as they grow you desire to describe what it’s like outside. So you draw pictures of trees and dogs and rain and mountains and stars and oceans. And this child comes to you one day and says that ‘trees and dogs and rain and mountains and stars and oceans are kinda flat, and small’. And you realize that, no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get this child, this child that you love so much, to imagine what these things are really like until they experience them for themselves. So, you tell them how much you love them, and that you are here with them, and that there is a world, a real world, that is so incredible that they can’t imagine it.” That’s it - I just pray for them.

In The Light by DC Talk: I have this basic desire to grow. To grow more mature in my faith and to grow closer to Him. But I also see who I am now. “What’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior . . . The disease of self runs through my blood. It’s a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed to bring this sickness under control.” I need to be in Him if I am ever to become the man that He wants me to be, and the man that I want and know I can be. I know it and I want it. But to accomplish that I need to relinquish control over me. It’s hard for me to trust. This has been the issue for years. He has even told me that I need to trust Him. He knows. And so do I. It’s just the steps that are so hard and brutal.

Job by Cindy Morgan: “Where were you when my night fell. Pieces shattered everywhere. . . Were the stars moving across the ocean, did the world turn away for just a glance, and leave me here in these ashes?” I have yet to find a better book than Job for the feelings of despair and isolation. I relate to it so well. While I didn’t shave my head, I do know the feeling of being shattered and having pieces lying all around you. Where you can’t make sense of anything anymore. And at that time it can be difficult - it was for me - to see that God is there. Sometimes I would wonder where He was. But He was there, even when I couldn’t feel Him. People would try to comfort me, telling me that He’s there and He loves me. They’d give me verses to meditate on and books to read. I know they were trying to help, and so I wasn’t offended. But I really needed friends like Job had, those who would just have sat with me in the silence and been there. At least I know how to better handle such a situation when a friend of mine goes through something. Maybe all they’ll need is someone to be there, not to offer advice or a solution, but just to share the time with.

The Master’s Hand by Cindy Morgan: “You carry me through the hard times in life, and You rescue me from the storms in the night” I have yet to find a comfort in this world that compares to when I am embraced in His hands. I cannot explain it, so I find that some just cannot fathom the feeling that I inadequately try to describe, and though I can compare it to the eye of a storm, the peace just cannot be put into words. Enough poets greater than I have tried, so I do not even start. I am trying to learn to go to Him first, something I believe will be a long lesson for me to learn. The fact that I realize this is a good start, though.

In The Middle of it All by Pam Thum: “You’re spinning into nowhere, and losing all control. There’s just too many scars on your body and your soul . . . and you’re haunted by the failure and the insecurity. And the shadows fall so hard that it drives you to your knees” I have never known such pain and despair as I have known in the past year. While I believe it’s because two very large events happened within days of each other and knocked me beyond recognition, I think it has to do with the fact that one of them dealt with an area of life that I had kept hidden, and suddenly had been blown open in me. Before, I kept the supernatural hidden because no one would understand me anyways. And afterwards I did the same. But for different reasons. I called it a curse for years, and prayed for it to just end. I finally decided to look at it in a more positive light and decided to try to understand it better. And then it turned out to be a curse after all. And I had few that I could talk to. Now it is gone, and it is the silence which I find deafening. Ironic. Despite the lack of discussion I was able to engage in, it was the revelations that I now had to wade through that made it so horrible. And I felt so alone and scared. I really had few people to turn to, and that list was dwindling instead of growing with every step of openness that I attempted. I think that forced me to turn to God, because I had no one here that would be there with me. When I feel alone, I usually try to stay alone. Instead, I tried to reach out. But I reached out to mortals, a critical mistake, and that only led to more pain. I had to reach out to One who is beyond that sort of political, relational play.

Undo Me by Jennifer Knapp: To tear down in me that which is not pleasing to Him and build me up into a better person. This past year has seen me torn down to nothing. I have been exposed to lies and intricate fallacies that have destroyed not only me, but those I care about who were unfortunate enough to get close to me. Sometimes I feel like my very touch is poisonous, that the wake that I leave in the waters around me upset those I try to get close to. I want to be a force for healing, not devistation. I want to be used by Him to lift people up and comfort them, not destroy and taint. I want Him to work in me so that I am more like Him. I am sick of this world, sometimes. You know, I prayed for the truth. I prayed that God would reveal the truth in me. I just didn’t bank on it being what it was. I would never have guessed it.

Little Man by The OC Supertones: Pride is the bane of many, many men. And so it was for me. In my pride, I had believed that I was following God’s will in staying at my home church, Bethany. I thought that it was God who was speaking to me. I thought that it was God’s will for many things. Foolishness cost me dearly. I had to learn the hard way (it always seems like it’s the hard way with me =) that my focus has to be on Him and nothing else, though there are so many things vying for my attention. I have to look at things with His perspective and love. That’s the only way I’m going to achieve this peace in my soul.

To Know You by Nicole Nordeman: “It’s well past midnight and I lie awake with questions that won’t wait for daylight. Separating fact from my imaginary fiction on this shelf on my conviction. I need to find a place where You and I come face to face. Thomas needed proof that You had really risen. Undefeated when he placed his fingers where the nails once broke Your skin. Did his faith finally begin? I’ve lied if I’ve denied the common ground I’ve shared with him. And I, I really want to know You. I want to make each day a different way that I can show You how I really want to love You. Be patient with my doubt. I’m just trying to figure out Your will.” Such a heartfelt song, and is my song for the year. And so true to me that it frightens me. It deals with the very real questions that sometimes we just aren’t supposed to ask because of proper etiquette or some other facade of decency. I think of Leni, and I pray for her, when I hear this song. She, like me, has questions that may make others cringe. So we go without asking. And we didn’t handle her situation well, and I feel the guilt of that. I have learnt to just go out and look for the answers instead of listening to people’s judgments on me. And I come out of it much stronger for asking and seeking, than if I had continued to keep such questions in me for the sake of others. That’s not me. Sometimes I think I lie more to Christians about where I am for the sake of being accepted, than feeling the freedom to ask my questions and get honest responses. Maybe that’s why I like working with teens so much and encouraging them to ask questions. I WANT them to question things they don’t understand, instead of trying to blindly believe. The bible doesn’t say that we are to blindly believe, so much as it says to test everything and hold to what proves to be true and good (1 Thess 5:21). How are we to test if we cannot ask? I think that’s why I feel for those like Leni and those who want to know things and want to ask things that are real for them. That’s how people like me grow. How many nights did I have this past year where I was up reading my bible, praying, crying, feeling alone and overwhelmed? Complete oppression left me with nothing. I couldn’t tell what was true and what wasn’t anymore. I couldn’t figure out up from down. Right from wrong. The deception took all that I had thought that I had gained in one fell swoop.

Testify To Love by Avalon: “All the colors of the rainbow. All the voices of the wind. Every dream that reaches out, that reaches out to find where love began. Every word of every story; every star in every sky. Every corner of creation lives to testify. For as long as I shall live I will testify to love. I’ll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. With every breath that I take I will give thanks to God above. For as long as I shall live I will testify to love” How could I explain myself better? I know that, at the very root of me, is love. It’s one of the most precious gifts that God has given to me, for without it I am nothing. I feel stronger and more alive when I can express His love to others. When I can feel safe to love others. Unfortunately, that is not quite as feasible as I would like, though I still try vainly to love others. It is what keeps me going sometimes, this drive to love. Unconditionally.

Reach For Heaven by World Wide Message Tribe: “Fight on, keep on pushing, it’ll open your eyes and when you get to heaven you’ll receive your prize. Like a warrior reaching up to follow You, gonna give my life just so that I can honor You . . . So let me tell you if you’ve been reaching up to see the light, the devil’s gonna give you hell - put up a mighty fight” Try reaching for heaven, and see just how much the devil puts interest in you. Before I became aware of things outside this world, I didn’t believe in a devil. After all, where was he? I never saw him, nor did I feel him. That’s the feeling of many atheists. The devil didn’t need to put any interest in me, since my naiveté was enough for him. It wasn’t until I started to understand evil and started to know more did he come into play. In the last year it’s been torture for me, for he hasn’t given me any room to move. Some don’t believe in such spiritual warfare, so to them I can say nothing. For others who believe, their prayers are helpful. And to those who understand more, their prayers can be more specific. I seem to see a division between those who understand and those who don’t. I was in the latter group. I didn’t want to believe. In fact, I was content knowing it existed, but not pertaining to me as much as it does. It indicated something I wasn’t prepared to accept. I just push on, keeping my focus on Christ and letting God direct me in my slow, small steps.

Concrete by Plumb: “Lack of faith in what I trust when all I measure turns to dust. When all I do decays in vain and I am left alone again . . . If you could see my fear. Should I believe or should I doubt” . This is a real song to me. While worship songs are real as well, there are things that, last year, sent me reeling. People tell me that there is no fear in Christ. People tell me that faith will make you strong. People tell me that I am never alone. People tell me a lot of things that are true. But sometimes I’m not in a position to hear them, and they fall away like water off a duck’s back. This reminds me of 2nd Corinthians 1:4. How we must go through something if we are to be fully able to console and comfort and aid someone else at a later date. Few have gone through this, I see. In the end, I must trust, blindly it seems, to God’s truth, and hold fast to things that seem intangible at times. Though they are far from blind faith steps, in the darkness, sight is not a luxury, and His hand is all I feel that is comforting.

Mirror by Rebecca St. James: “Take me, make me beautiful to You. Create me so I mirror You” This is a prayer request with two parts. One is that I need to ask Him to remove my useless parts and make me into His creation. Two, I need to allow Him to do that. I do believe that this past year my prayer for His truth in my life was what He wanted to show me, though I was not prepared for it. But, I can pray that this year will see a continuation of this path that I am on, and a strengthening of this person that He wants to be. That I will continue to heal and become this man that I want to be, and that He wants me to be.

The Love of God by Cheri Keaggy: “Though we may struggle in our journey, a closer walk is what we’re praying for” I find that I always return to this theme, this feeling. The love that God has for us. He is indeed the author of love, and I love to learn about His love for me and for us. I love to bask in the warmth of His love. I love to commune in nature, feeling close to Him in the quiet bath of moonlight. I need that solace. Sometimes, like the past year, I couldn’t feel it. I was so broken. It is still a long road back to this land. I feel like I’ve stepped into a new way of life. The supernatural was a part of my life before, but not like this. I have to learn to live again. And I have to learn to do it blindly. The quietness was what I wanted, and now that it is quiet, it seems as uneasy as when my mind was flooded. I have His word, though, and the love of others, to help me through. His love is an integral part of who I am to be.

Missing Person by Michael W. Smith: “Guarded and cynical now, can’t help but wondering how my heart evolved into a rock beating inside of me . . . There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain and like a child would believe without a reason. Without a trace he disappeared into the void and I’ve been searching for that missing person ” A couple years ago this song was in my devotions because of friends. Now, it seems, like this same song applies to me. It’s strange, and scary both. Not me. This is what triggered my depression last year. This revelation that I had become such a lifeless person. That I had finally succumbed to Satan’s beatings, and had lost myself. I just couldn’t continue living like this anymore. I wasn’t me. I have to love, and my inability to feel love or to express it was killing me. My lack of patience, my avoidance of friends, my hatred boiling in me. I had lost myself. I am now building myself back up, slowly.

Lift My Eyes by Miss Angie: “I’m so blind in times like these. Can’t see that I can know the way out of the way I feel if I lift my eyes up” It’s funny that depression turns our heads down, but the answer is up. But it’s hard to lift your head sometimes. I know. It takes time to look up again. It did for me. I just couldn’t get my bearings. It took me months to even feel something tangible to hold on to. I have never experienced such a breakdown before, nor do I wish to again. Again, I believe that it was the fact that it was so spiritually oriented that allowed me to be crippled for so long. Without being able to talk to an experienced person, I do believe that I would still be unable to get a grip.

Healing Waters by Michelle Tumes: God is like this calm stream that is always near, but never comes out at you. It’s like He wanted me to know that He was around, but He wasn’t going to push me unless I asked. And that is the hardest part. Some say that it’s easy. Just ask and ye shall receive. But I am not one to ask, and it takes a lot for me to get to that point, unfortunately. While I am getting better at it, I am still not where I want to be - comfortable trusting mortals. I do not trust people still. It is a bane that keeps getting reinforced instead of broken down with every attempt I make at opening up and trusting. My healing will come from Him in time, I know.

Like A Child by Jars of Clay: Faith like a child, or a mustard seed, is not what I have yet. I think it’s this analytical mind that I have. Like Thomas, I need proof. Thanx to science, I have that. But it’s still a process. As I learn more my faith grows stronger. As I experience God’s love more, my faith grows. Will I ever have that faith that is spoken about? Not sure. I have a very difficult time trusting, and that is what He wants most from me, though He also knows me, and is patient with me.

What I Wouldn’t Give by Carolyn Arends: “Sacrifices never made, desperate prayers I left unprayed. Forgiveness not asked for, love not confessed . . . What I wouldn’t give to be younger and wiser” Regret. It’s the guilt that eats at me. The “what if” and “if I would have” that kills me. Just something that I have to outgrow, I suppose.

After The Rain by Aaron Jeoffrey: “After the rain you can look to the sky again. The clouds will give way to the light of the sun. After the rain you know that you’ve made it through. And you finally see the joy from the pain” For the last year I have been spinning around in circles, not being able to get a clear grasp of anything. I had lost my footing, and was unable to regain it. People kept telling me to “hold onto Jesus” or “plant your feet on solid ground” or “stand on the Rock” or “hold onto God’s promises”. While they are all true statements and are great for them to say, I see now that they fail to understand what I needed. But I have no ill feelings for them, for I also understand their intentions and motives. They cared about me and wanted to see me smile again. But when I’ve been buffeted and thrown down like I have been, they’re merely words. I couldn’t grasp them. Finally, at the end of the year, I’ve got some bearing again. I will hold onto it, and build upon it. It’s the first time in months that I feel like there’s something for me to hold on to.

My God by Point of Grace: “My God has never let me down. My God has turned my world around. My God has never turned away. He’s with me every single day” I included this song because, even though it’s hard for me to feel sometimes, I know in the bottom of my heart that it’s true and I can count on it. And I have counted on it and it has gotten me through some tough times this year. Even when people I care about leave, He will not. And there have been many nights when it’s been just the two of us. Poor Guy, having to listen to me!! But I know that He wants to listen, so it’s not that bad. I figure that a 1000 years is like a day to Him, so my babbling isn’t that long to Him!!

Twelve Days of Christmas by The Sesame Street Gang: If you haven’t heard this, you’re missing out. A friend of mine gave me an email with the meaning of the twelve days of Christmas on it, so it has more meaning to me now, though this version doesn’t have the partridge, but rather “One delicious cookie”. I have regained my love of a child, and it is one of the most wonderful things I could have. I enjoy cartoons, I enjoy my Winnie the Pooh decor, I enjoy that fact that others think that it’s immature to enjoy such things!! Their loss, I’m afraid. I continue to smile and laugh and dance, again.

The Christmas Song by Pat Boone: Yet another song from my favorite Christmas album!! What more can I say? I love Christmas.