World of Mank

Dear Pat,

I am a cattle farmer and recently made some disturbing discoveries. When going out to tend to the animals in the morning I have lately found many of them in states of the most hideous disembowelment. I find this unsettling to say the least. I mean, we all know how easy it is to have a few drinks too many and go out all kill a couple of innocent farm animals with various types of power tools, but I don't think that this can account for the sheer volume of beasties that I have been losing recently. I don't know what to do, my business is going down the drain, and the next time I get drunk I may not have a cow of my own left to mutilate. Some teenagers reckon that there have been aliens involved, but I really don't believe in that junk. Please advise me.

Farmin' George.

Well George, your problem is not as uncommon as you may think. Bovine disembowelment is one of the most favoured pastimes of the pudding based font of unimaginable maliciousness that is the Mank. There is nothing the Mank enjoys more than a satisfying night spent separating cattle into their constituent components. To solve this problem, you're going to have get a sound system. A BIG sound system, and several easy listening records. I also advise that you acquire ear plugs. When the sun is going down and the ebon blackness is claiming the land for itself use your sound system to blast easy listening music out across your fields, that it may be heard to the very farthest reach of your livestock's domain. The Mank may be the ultimate physical representation of Evil on the planet, but it's not powerful enough to face the power of insanely boring and depressingly insipid easy listening music. Before you know it the Mank will have abandoned your lands and sought out new areas in which to practise vicious cruelty on unsuspecting quadrupeds.

MP

Dear Pat,

I have recently been having major problems with my anti-social next-door neighbours. They are a nightmare to live near, and constantly waste my own and the police's time with complaints about such innocent pastimes as playfully poking their children with a pointy stick and planting bear traps in their back garden. I have been superhumanly patient with these people but I can take no more. Hence I have decided to encourage them to move to a different locality. Is there any way that you can suggest to bring the Mank into this conflict on my side, in order that I may banish these humourless cretins from my street, and hence make this a better neighbourhood.

Concerned Paul.

Undesirables domiciled in the dwelling adjacent to our own are a problem which most of us come face to face with at some stage of our existence. As you have decided to seek my counsel in this matter I am assuming that you have already exhausted all the obvious alternatives, such as simple intimidation and violence and setting fire to their domestic pets in trying to persuade your pesky neighbours that yours is not the neighbourhood for them. It is obvious that the help of such a force as the Mank is necessary to help such a concerned citizen such as yourself to fight for a better future for your locality against the stubborn foe you describe. Unfortunately, the Mank being a force of astonishing evil it is not partial to entry into alliance with upstanding members of the community. The good news is that the Mank can however be encouraged to engage in battle with those you seek to conquer if you know enough about it's warped and twisted mentality. Basically what I'm saying is that the answer to your problem is a simple one and that that answer is badgers. The Mank hates badgers with a furious passion that is horrifying to behold. This goes back to a long running feud as the Mank has made war on the Badgers, whom it sees as a threat to it's position as the most viciously evil life-form on the planet. All you need to do is to place a group of badgers, say between 15 and 20, in or around the homestead of your foe, and within a few nights the Mank is sure to make a most favourable entrance (from your point of view) in your little dispute. In the unlikely event that your neighbours survive this experience, they will no doubt be more than agreeable to your suggestion that a new place of residence be found for them.

MP

Dear Pat,

As I battled the creature that materialised before me in my windmill, I became tired of its continual shrieking and flailing insectoid arms. Occasionally the arms would strike me, sending me reeling to earth. I would recompose myself and again engage the creature. After seven hours, I became convinced that I was not, as I had previously thought, in my windmill, but in a local supermarket, and was attempting to negotiate a turn-style. Seconds later, however, I again became confused. What do you suggest?

Andrew Hayles.

Well Andrew, I have to say that this is a tricky one. This is obviously one seriously anti-social insectoid creature thingy that has inflicted its real or imagined presence on you. The answer to your problem, like the answer to most problems, lies with alcohol. And maybe a hatchet. Either you haven't been drinking enough, and are therefore able to have this rather disturbing hallucination, or you have been drinking enough and you just need a bit of weaponry to help you in your assault on the creature. I find that a swift blow with a hatchet to the forehead of your assailant will, in most cases, get the point across. Otherwise, I suggest a hefty kick in the genitals (assuming the insectoid has such a thing). What I'm basically saying is that alcohol and violence is the answer.

MP.