The Queen's Collection of Jokes
..Afterall... The Queen Does Have a Sense of Humor..
"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and
you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."
"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so
The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he
said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing
suit on and run around the block three or four times."
"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had
mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long
before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he
kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth.
The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an
assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.
"Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting
next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is
"Yeah. It's my wife's seat."
"And why is it empty?"
"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a
friend to come to the game with you today?"
"Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her
A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through
her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a
little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life.
She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God
could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat
among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she
sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the
same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter
read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it.
However, I received only $90. It must have been those
jerks at the post office."
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered
far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower
altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the
balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me,
can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about
thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically
correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000
companies provided the following unbelievable but true
examples of job applicant behavior.
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a
question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the
organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she
was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for
"Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To
party and socialize."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the
interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent
high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a
"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to
my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to
eat it until later."
"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but
she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud
of her grade point average. It was 2.1."
"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid
of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses
and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer
wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and
proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and
his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could.
I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not
"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position,
although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."
"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then
tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I
"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume
and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid:
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with I
instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit
every branch on the way down
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found
guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This
means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs.
Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good
afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
How To Tell if You're a Geek:
*You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it.
*You can name six "Star Trek" episodes.
*You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but
every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
*You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
*People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
*You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
*You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
*You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep.
*You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
and your kid in the overhead compartment.
*You've tried to repair a $5 radio
*Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
*Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and
*You tend to save power cords from broken appliances.
*You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
*A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it
looks like an 'A'" on your paper.
*You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other
than hanging coats and taping ducts.
*You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile
*Your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.
*Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
*You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
*Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
*You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own
*You know what "http" stands for.
*You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
*You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of
the same weekend.
*You find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to
correct something he said.
*The first thing you notice when walking in a business is
their computer system. ...and offer advice on how you would
*You've ever mounted a magnetic tape reel.
*You own any shareware.
*You know more IP addresses than phone numbers.
*You've ever accidentally dialed an IP address.
*Your friends use you as tech support.
*You've ever named a computer.
*You have your local computer store on speed dial.
*You can't carry on a conversation without talking about
*Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you
out of the building.
*You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry.
*Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager
*You check the national weather service web page for current
weather conditions (rather than look out the window).
*You know more URLs than street addresses.
*Your pet has a web page.
*You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
*You have ever sent E-mail to someone sitting next to you.
*You have ever had a dream involving computers.
*You have ever modified an ini file.
*You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth.
*You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
*You get up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your E-mail on your way back to bed.
*You've entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get e-
mail saying "Forget it, Mike you are not going to win, just
go buy the modem".
*You know what the USR X2 contest is.
*If you have ever dozed off while at the computer.
*Have ever e-mailed yourself.
*The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough
*You have more than one copy of the same version of software
on your machine.
*You have ever submitted a tip to windows95.com.
*You have ever chatted with someone while talking to them on
*You've ever thought about, or have, bought a laptop for the sole reason of 'wanting to be 'outside more'.
*You are surprised that there are other real foods besides
A father often read Bible stories to his young children, One
day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife
and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was
turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How
could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes -
any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said,
'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my
club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed
the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one
swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball while
waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"
The Following Quotes Were Taken from Actual Medical Records
as Dictated By Physicians:
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third
day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the
past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
*The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences
with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when
Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during
the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat,"
"Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on
him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then
proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took
a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man
began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to
bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a
compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before
long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst
about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a
psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife
have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the
bartender, and left.
The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a
fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I
suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white
"I certainly did," the man said. I've been seeing the
psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. He
then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The
doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering
the question of whose profession was the oldest.
"I think my line of work would win this one hands
down," the surgeon said. "After all, Eve was created from
Adam's rib, and that sounds like surgery to me."
"Maybe," the architect said, "but before Adam, order
was created out of chaos. That was architectural
"Sure," the politician said. "But before that, someone
had to create the chaos."
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the
backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle
house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the
man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.
Just as he was getting started, an old man called from
inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that
guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with
Have you ever heard about the lawyer with a conscience?
Neither has anyone else.
The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting
to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would
blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.
Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick.
He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how
hard it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors. The
principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the
toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his
"First the bad news: The test came back, and your DNA
is an exact match.
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:
* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean
cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to
know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a
suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the
license plate motto is "Die American Pig"
Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the door
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor near the cash register. He asked the store's owner "Is
that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep," the proprietor answered, "That's him."
The stranger couldn't help being amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me," he chuckled. "Why
in the world did you decide to post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."
Bumper Stickers we'd like to See:
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end
to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
First Farmer: I used to quit plowing for lunch every day at
Second Farmer: Did you have a wristwatch or a pocket watch?
First Farmer: Neither. The whistle at the sawmill blows every
day at noon, and I would just quit a half-hour before I heard
A professor was conducting a class in decision making. In his
first drill, he picked a student from Georgia.
"Now son," he said, "I want you to tell me the decision you'd
make in this situation. You're driving a fully-loaded truck
down a mountain road at seventy miles an hour. Just as you
get close to an oncoming truck, two cars pull out from behind
him to pass. You hit the brakes and your brakes go out. On
your right side is a five-hundred foot cliff; on your left
side in a one-thousand food precipice. Now, son, you have
three second. What would you do?"
"Well," the boy drawled, "I reckon I'd wake up Leroy."
"Leroy!" the professor exclaimed. "Who's Leroy?"
"Leroy's my relief driver, sir. You see, he's from a small
country town and I'd wan to wake him up 'cause he ain't never
seen an accident like this before."
The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car
dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer
priced it to him like this: Basic cow, $200; two-tone
exterior, $45; extra stomach $75; product storage
compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10
each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15;
automatic fly swatter, $35. Total = $595.
The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive
"This one is called 'Perhaps'," the sales clerk said. "It's
$285 per ounce."
"Listen," the fellow shot back. "For $285 per ounce, I don't
want something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called 'You
Can Bet Your Sweet Bippy on It'!"
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one
smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the
"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and
the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on
time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going
exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home
office and let them know how pleased I am."
"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I
think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."
Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's:
10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you
can't get a job here."
7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking
6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy's
founder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sure
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mug
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole right
through your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touch
1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"
A local United Way office realized that it had never received
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
$500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times
her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation,
"leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I
don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the
husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...
However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his
buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this,
because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted
and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank
him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could
ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks
enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's
An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny
money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his
time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from
this batch of money, is to find a place where the people
aren't too bright and change his phony money for real cash.
He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a
small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man
behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An
8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her
minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as
bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to
do with the BODY?"
A former friend of mine was married to a great gal;
unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who
was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning
when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would
sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you
don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from
the grave and haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-
law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you
don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from
the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having
a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would
pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my
daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and
Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and
while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was
feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two
months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about
her ominous threat. He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face
down; let her dig; I don't care!"
Actress Jane Wyman tells of her most embarrassing moment,
which happened when she was entertaining some very special
After making sure the entire house was in order, she put a
note on the guest towels which read, "If you use these, I
will murder you." It was intended for her husband. In the
haste of her preparations, she forgot to remove the note.
When the guests had departed, she found the towels--and the
note--exactly as she had left them."
As a poor student, these are things you definitely would NOT
want to see happen at the ATM:
* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing
out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper.",
and ejects your card.
* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says:
"Account not found." and keeps your card.
* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM
laughs and spits out your shredded card.
* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and
the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA
there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
* You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take
out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and
laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get
your card back that the machine has taken.
* You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most
Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption
that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
"Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very
depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like
this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm
35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up
and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say
it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this
advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've
enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most
fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."