All right. It's ON. IT IS ON. By the way Jackass: I can't nearly update "Girl Talks" because I lent my copy to Robyn this summer and I forgot to get it back. So OFF ME!! I love you. OH! There's more. For those of you who love "Girl" as much as I, apparently there's a movie version out there. I'm holding off on watching it because I don't want my perfect images of Todd Sparrow to be shot if the movie blows. But they have it @ Blockbuster. I want to give a shout out to Canada (they never get any love) and Kellie because that truant bitch is goin' down. Now, onto the first order of business:

I'm a new woman, and I have a special soldier to thank. Is the Navy soldiers? Or officers? Whatever, they're mostly cocksuckers. If anyone out there has a positive story about someone in the military, please come forward. I would like to shake your hand. I've had my share of "suck me or fuck me"'s and "Gimmie that nut"s and I'm done. Finished, I tell you! Celibacy is the word. Don't laugh. My mom bought my little brother "The Marshall Mathers LP." Granted, it's the squeaky clean Wal-Mart version, but DAMN GINA. I would love to listen to that album" That would be pure comedy. So I was thinking. I really believe in Fate. I don't know if that's sacreligious or whatever, but I think it's more spiritual than not. I don't think Fate means that everything is mapped out and it can't be changed. But I wanted to talk to someone and I called someone to talk ABOUT him. They weren't home. Instead, the guy I really wanted to talk to happened to be there and he looked at the Caller ID and called me, not even knowing whose nunber it was. It was meant to be. I mean, it's no "Oedipus the King" but it's damn close. It's been analyzed enough and the moral is clear: WHAT AN ASS! I'm going to eat McDonald's now and watch my belly grow before my eyes. Keep it real.

"We will now discuss in a little more detail the Struggle for Existence." -Charles Darwin

*Sigh* Yeah, that's it, basically. says I'm 28% slutty, which is less slutty than 80% of test-takers, and since thespark is really smart, I believe it. You know what, what kind of shit is that? Sure, it's funny. Ha ha. You know, I'm amused. But that's sick. I don't need a web site telling me I'm a 'ho. That's what best friends are for! And frat boys! And yo' momma. And your gyno. Or not. The truth is, I'm Catholic and I don't sin. I am above you all, so please bow before my purity of soul and sing praises to my Name. Uhm, ok. Fuck you guys, give me my dick back! I want Bloomington. I want Boston. Labor Day weekend 95 plus 4 pennies; add that shit up. Wow, this is completely nonsensical! My friend Chrissy sent me the funniest e-mail. It was random thoughts and I laughed and laughed and laughed. Then she was all "hit me back, just to chat, your biggest fan..." I think I'm going to go back and read that e-mail in a minute. And maybe if she says it's OK, I'll plaster it all over my web site like a cheap suit. Pleasepleaseplease! My horoscope said that a Sagittarius is going to cross my romantic if there are any of you out there, you may as well just give in to fate now and come on over. Because it'll just be easier for all of us. SWEET. It's settled then, it's a date. I LOVE YOU ALL. I'm going to go clown now at my place of employment. And try not to be such a slut.

"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouff?"

Saturday, May 13, 2000.

This is going to take some practice. I'm extremely rusty at this web-site crap, so if things look funny, you can just shove it up your ass. Super! All right, so how is everyone? Blossoming, I hope. I'd like to think I've learned and grown up after a year of college (my little baby is all grows up), and yet, college is the last time when we can really fuck shit up and make bad choices and be a complete jackass (no offense, babycakes) with little or no consequence. So in that case, live it up fools! One of the most important lessons I learned is that no matter what a stripper says, there is no sex in the champagne room. Onward, ho!

One of my favorite pasttimes is working in a sweat shop that I call Bowers Envelope Co. And in my spare time I work at Tony Roma's Dyke Dating Service, We Also Serve Ribs! Sometimes a name says it all. It's nice to be back, my friends. There are so many little things that I've missed that I'm discovering every slapping my friends' ripe, round asses. And, well I guess that's it. But that's something I take great pride in. Then of course there are the things I didn't miss, such as buying gas (wowsers) and this goddamn house with no yard and toilets that refuse to flush. But we learn to deal. I wish I had a crisis so that this page was interesting...

Sunday, September 19, 1999.

I'm not changing the quote because I think it's especially pertinent to the college situation. I must admit it, I'm a little bummed right now. So don't freak out when you read this, thinking that this single entry represents my general malaise. It doesn't. It just represents Sunday, September 19, 1999. The fact that I'm physically ill doesn't help. I have the cough of a 65 year old smoker, or Father Kelly. My own mother called me today, and when I answered, "Hello?" she asked for Suzanne. I don't sound like myself. I'm going home next weekend! Excitement. I never thought I'd be this pumped about going home. It's not going to be right without late night drives to Carmel to share a P-Funk under the stars. But I'll have to make do...amuse myself doing laundry and packing up my room to relocate. Oh, yes. If you weren't aware, my family is moving to a new house. No worries, it's located at 71st and Shadeland. Just a short drive from good ole Devonshite. What else am I looking forward to? Picking up my check at TR's. Getting envelopes, bowls (for late night Easy-Mac cravings). The thing I look most forward to would have to be driving. One of my favorite pasttimes, driving is one thing that truly soothes the soul. Oh, and pooping in my own frickin bathroom will be wonderful! Shit... Exactly. it truly is the little things that make all the difference. I really don't look forward to the stench of Starkist Chunk Lite Tuna that pervades the dorm bathroom air.

It's Yom Kippur right now. To all of the unenlightened, it's the most important holiday in the Jewish Year. My roommate can't use any electricity, she can't bathe or eat for 24 hours, and the bitch gets to miss class tomorrow. THAT'S cool. Q. Ani DiFranco is coming to IU Audotorium! Cha-ching! Other news: I'm going to see Rent as well. People on my floor like Abercrombie much too much. Too many boys already have women. The end.

Monday, August 30, 1999.

I don't have much time to be brilliant with this, but I think an update was necessary. Is everyone enjoying college life "Animal House" style? I just want to make a shout out to Kellie who said that college isn't "all that." She was wrong. Plus I'm mad cause she didn't call me back. Snatcheroo. I'd like to take the time to give a couple messages to the ones that took a little piece of my heart with them:

Magic Three: Nothing has changed. All I have to say is, Next summer! C-$: You are a frickin butt-slapping good time. Long live P-Funks, late nights at Arby's, shared Rolling Rocks, TR conquests, and Japanese cars. You're my bright star, baby. Jackass, it's good to hear you have a few back-up plans. Crew boys top my list. Hoff-It's sweet to hear you're enjoying St. Mary's. We'll have to meet up @ a Notre Dame game this fall. Be a good girl. You always did need to chill out with your wild ways! Meggy Peters, my Tony Roma's GTC woman of the year: I saw Tony-the-server today. Ya gotta come party with us Co-Ed style! Scrappy-doo: you know you're a dipper when...:) Stay warm up north and stay away from that shrinkage. Much love to all.

Tuesday, August 10, 1999.

Christina Aguilera is.. what? Twelve years old? For some reason she thinks she knows about being lonely. And not just that whole teenage angst kind of lonliness. CENTURIES of lonliness! And (for the right price, o'course) you can release her from this torture. I think blond adolescent ex-Mouseketeers are running about 10 cents a dozen these days, so we have a decent chance!

I REEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY want tosee Brokedown Palace. For a couple of reasons. #1 is that my religion class read about Bangkok prisons and I would feel so erudite seeing this film. I guess the jails there had problems with vermin AND beastiality. #2 is Claire Danes. And while we're talking about films, I might as well join the masses in feeding the Blair Witch Project frenzy! Yes, I paid $7.50 to see it, and no, I don't regret it. SHiT. If you didn't think it was scary, see it again and fucking pay close attention. No, it's not the Chainsaw Massacre or even Casper, but there's a little more substance in the Blair Witch.

Ah mah gawd! 'NSync is singing to Gloria Estefan! It's good to see they're finally catering to women their age.

Ok, so do you like my swine? Don't ever talk to a guy in his car, because somehow it will turn into some abhorrent scene in which you chained him down against his will and forced him to listen to 98 Degrees on his car stereo and sing along. Or some shit. But whatever. We learn our lessons.

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