Volume 2, Issue Two. 4th September 1998

with Louise 'Hubber-hubber' Impersonator Hi there I'm not Louise, ex-Eternal pop babe and on this special birthday issue, I've been invited to come and speak about how much I love the Hamster Times. I know my footballer boyfriend (who I'm not surposed to speak about) doesn't like it that much, but that's only because he has only one pair of odd socks and it confuses him greatly. It's a man's life in the sunday league! Or so they tell me at least. I guess that takes up too much of his time, which means he has little to spend chuckling along with me as I read the latest issue HOT from the web. I really wish I had a normal man though, and not a footballer like all we sexy popstar impersonator people are meant to. Every night he comes in and complains about his balls, and while I smile comfortingly every time, it does get to be a little tiresome after a time. Of course, I never actually wanted to be a singer, a sex symbol. I always wanted to be a lumberjack. High up in the Canadian Mountains, leaping from tree to tree. The pine! The mighty redwood! The great birch! The Larch! With my best blokey at my side, and, we'd sing! "I'm not Louise and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day." And of course, my assorted backing mounties would join in, and we'd have a merry time.

ANOTHER MILESTONE REACHED!

Happy Birthday to us, Happy Birthday to us, Happy Birthday to us. Happy Birthday to us.

Well. As if by magic, the Hamster Times and Twin and Earth publishing is 1 year old today! It is amazing how time flies doesn't it? Why, just the other day I was only saying to Bill the Editor that we should really write something for the hamsters in the world as they seem to play such a big part in our everyday lives. From controlling the power plants to bring us electricity, to driving our buses and stealing our deckchairs at the beach.

The rest, I guess, is history. Although, specifically, our history. Now, I feel I should reveal the true origins of the Hamster Times. Of course, were I able to I would. It's true origins are unknown. It just kind of evolved overnight into the slightly satirical news humour thing you're reading now. It's had a fair number of changes over the year, becoming less "something knocked up in our lunch hour" and more "something knocked up in someone else's lunch hour".

Of course, we've had our little setbacks, our delayed issues (well, sometimes we forget and eat instead!), but that's all behind us. The future looks bright, the future's "pears"

Hope you enjoy our birthday special! Back to normal next week!

Mas
of the art department. Of course, this issue is a day early as the Hamster Times was concieved on the 5th of September '97 and not brought into existance until later in the month.

Here's one we made...

Well... not only is the Hamster Times celibrating, but, so is Blue Peter! The classic childrens show staring Lulu the elephant and her team of 'oh so less able' co-presenters. It is hard to believe this show is 40 years old, with it's contant use of household items such as coathangers, plastic washing-up bottles and yogurt pots to make such diverse things as thermonuclear missiles, a fork lift truck and a pooperscooper! Who would have believed it!

We spoke to John Noakes who had this to say,

"You know, everyone thinks I used to say 'get down Shep!' a lot. I didn't. I never actually said that - it's like that moment in Cassablanca where they all think he said 'play it again Sam'... What I actually said was 'Oy! Shep! Nooooooo!' which leads me to believe that one of our young viewers was the comedian Harry 'dime bar' Enfield..."

CLINTON-BLAIR CLONES RUN AMOCK!

"No!No!No! You cannot print that. This is a matter of top secrecy and printing that photograph of these two leaders with their electro-radiographic-energy emissions would be damaging to both the world and our world. If you don't withdraw your article we'll send our men in black shorts around to hit you about the head with a big stick until such a time that you're either dead, or a lot smaller."

The above message was left on the Hamster Times answerphone. But, we feel the world has a right to know. As previously reported back in the Hamster Times (Longs) issue 7 the world has been infiltrated by a number of robotic clones.

Although our original article had, we believe, been touched up by people mysterious to discredit us. This photo of both Blair and Clinton (the Uk Primeminister and the US President) together, taken with a micro-mantronic-emulusifier-enhedgeling fliter clearly shows high power activity within the head units of both clones. We, have of yet to determine whether or not the clones pose any threat to normal society. And of course we have yet to find the real Tony Blair and Bill Clinton.

These two are shown hear meeting to discuss the peace process in Northern Ireland. At least, that's the official reason behind the meeting. Whether it's the real reason is yet to be seen.

However, if it is the real reason. We have to ask ourselves

"why are human clones from other planets trying to stop us from destroying each other?"

The answer, we believe (from months of dedicated research watching B-Movies), is that they wish to mate with our females and eat the brains of our males. Tying us all down into slavery and whoremongery to rebuild their dying race.

Whether this is true or not, time, will tell.

with A 'plea for' Lettuce WRITE TO US? Feel free to talk about anything - we always appreciate lettuce of all varieties Email Address: Name:

THE HT:DESK

A unique photostory documenting some of the problems we face when putting out an issue of the Hamster Times (and perhaps the real reason behind it now being in shorts!)

The Hamster Times, HT Shorts, images and slogans are Trade Marked^Tm and copyright © 1998 Twin and Earth Publishing. Any likeness within these stories to people living or dead, or possibly both, is probably entirely intentional, although not intended to cause harm, hurt, pain, tears to those targetted by it. Our only aim is happiness, joy, and jokes forever. If you don't like our methods, you probably won't like our madness.

Of course, this is just our counter counter. Ignore it, it's not that important (unless you want to get one too).