Legal Notice

Legal Notice. Please read.

Warning. The lastest issue of Hamster Times has been declared so funny, is should be kept away from the following people;

people with no sense of humour.
minors. If the HT was a film, it would have a 15 classification.
people who are so-easilly offended, that this sentance alone has them fuming.
people who are under the age of 5 as they probably won't be able to read all the words and therefore will not benifit from any of the complex entertainment (in worded form) that we aim to give.
people who are called Eric, unless of cause the name Eric was forced on them by their parents and they had no choice in the matter. People who deliberately go out and change their name to Eric are quite silly people and while they probably will get a lot out of these pages but ... well... we have to discriminate against some minority group don't we?
people whose language isn't English. With the exception of a small scattering of German and French words, the wholeness of the Hamster Times is in English, and people who can't read English will obviously miss out.
people who have spotted underwear, because if you have spotted underwear you're obviously forgetting to wear any other clothing, which means, appart from getting a nasty chill, you may end up being arrested for indecent exposure (unless of course, you're in a nudest camp... but please, don't play with your joystick).
people whose hair is far more inteligent than they are.

If you fall into none of the above, then enter freely. If you fall into one or more of those groups of people, and feel like living life on the edge and taking a chance, well... enter freely too - but we won't be held responsible for the consequences (unless they're really nice and involve us recieving huge bundles of money, sweets, cars, real estate, marriage proposals, jewellery, knighthoods or any other things that are generally refered to as being "good").

If, however you don't want to view the Hamster Times (why did you come here?) then enter the depths of Heck - which will magically transport you to a place that is far worse than this one... at least in our opinion anyway...

Of course, before you leave on whichever journey you feel best fits your mood this day, you should really read our disclaimer. Especially if you may appear within these pages and be, as the late Queen Victoria used to say, "not amused" ... So here it is.

The Hamster Times Disclaimer, copyrights, trademarks and legal stuff

We Disclaim this, that and the other. In fact, almost anything we can disclaim we will, especially if we are able to under law. We disclaim any responsiblity for any injuries you may suffer whilst reading the Hamster Times. We place the responsiblity for safe reading squarely upon your shoulders. If you do not take ample precausions it is your own fault.
However, we would like to take a moment to advise people how we should be read (note that we're not liable from any bad things that happen as a result of someone following our advise). We advise that people who desire to read this should choose a sensible location. A sensible location being one that is not likely to put them in any danger in any way. As an example, we present the following; in a study, in a bedroom, in a computer room or in a library. Please note that this list is not exhaustive, it is merely a few of the many safe places that exist. Unsafe places are less obvious though, but here are a few. High places - such as Mount Everest or the roof of a house, or on top of a huge building (especially if near an edge). Wet places, such as the bath (unlike paper publications this web based one does far more than wrinkle up at the edge when exposed to water... bath water particularly), lakes, swimming baths... etc. We also advise that you find a comfy chair.
Good posture is vital to the enjoyment of the Hamster Times. A ready supply of food and drink ( remember the warnings for water also apply to drink, what with it being mostly water in substance... ) so that you may snack and not hunger for anything whilst you are enjoying that which is the Hamster Times. All that advise really is common sense, but, we like being helpful and we do, after all want you to enjoy reading our magazine.

We like to point out, that by reading the Hamster Times, you agree with everything we've said above. Of course, with all legal things, we're only half way through at the moment. Now would be an ideal time to go off and have a nice little snack, maybe a sandwich, or a can of a soda based drink of your choice. We would like to recommend "Virgin Cola" but, as we're not getting paid anything to recommend it, we won't.

Right, still with us? Then I'll continue.

All of these pages are © copyright 1997 Twin and Earth Publications. They should not be reproduced or republished in any form what-so-ever. Well, at least, not without our permission. Of course, if you want to either print a copy of the Hamster Times for your own personal pleasure, then we will let you do that. After all, there is not that much pleasure in the world nowadays and we are here, after all, to bring a moderate amount of pleasure into people's lives. It is not to us to deny such small pleasures. So yes, you may make a copy for yourself... oh, and to spread the word, to tell people of us (be we'd prefer if you passed our web address on rather than copies of our pages). So what did we just say? um.

Okay, after re-reading that, we can see that you can make copies for yourself, but only printouts mind - we don't want to see our pages appearing places that we didn't put them - that isn't allowed, heck no. You can re-publish and re-display our pages in any form electronically , or otherwise but only if you get our permission (and give us lots of money and stuff... well... something nice at least). Of course, we can't do anything to stop you doing stuff without our permission. We just have to trust that you won't do anything we won't like.

Okay, I think that covers most things. Oh, legal responsiblity. Almost forgot that. We are legally responsible - we don't break into homes, beat up old ladies, young ladies, or anyone of a female gender. To be honest, for that matter, we don't beat up anyone of a male gender either. We are really nice people, and, if you came around to see us you'd probably like us. In fact, if you've nothing better to do, feel free to come around and see us. We'll go down the pub and have a nice meal or something.

Oh, and there's one more thing... We are just trying to make people smile. We do not aim to offend, although at times we may make fun of certain people, or maybe report an event or occasion in a way that others may think does not befit it. To them we say, we're only human. We have a line, and unlike other publications, we will not cross that line (except to get the the drinks machine to get a lovely cool can of "Virgin Cola", which, by the way we're not getting paid any money at all to promote) and we rarely will publish something that we see as a little tasteless. If you do see something that does offend you, we suggest the following things. First, try and look at it from a different angle. Unless we expressively say so, there is always a funny side to everything we write. Secondly, if you are still offended, please get in touch with us. We don't like offending people, or in fact offending people ourselves. We accept that people may not find something funny. Everyone, after all, is different. Our contact address can be found on a number of places on the front cover, and we will take any comments on board. If we feel that your comment or complaint is viable, we will ammend the article concerned (assuming that the article is still available).

Oh, and one more thing. Unless we say otherwise (and trust us, we will if the case occurs that it is) all the work in these pages is copyright 1997 Twin and Earth Publications, and all trademarks (the Hamster Times logo, the various 'going' slogans and anything else we stick those two letters after ) are again to Twin and Earth Publications. All other trademarks, which are not owned by us, will be attributed to their rightful owners.

All names, events, locations and news is totally fictional and any similarity between the news we report and actual things is totally conincidental - unless of course, it isn't. Like most newspapers, we make up about 75 percent of all stories. The fun comes in working out which ones are real, and which, are total bollards.