The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentence.
In high school, everybody dealt with their rebellion. I dealt with sexual abuse and harassment.
After high school, I wanted to leave Gregory and go where no one knew me. I wanted to start over. However,little did I know that the scars of abuse would follow me to college.
I was so messed up mentally,emotionally and spiritually. Because of the sexual abuse by a teacher and one of his band students, I had turned to the occult and the influences of witchcraft to avenge my wounds. I had a hunger for power and control. I wanted total control over everyone and everything to get what I wanted. I lived to hurt other people. If I destroyed someone, I enjoyed it.
I had such a hatred in my heart. I played mind games with people. As long as I was in control, I could have cared less who I destroyed. Because of my selfish hunger for power and control, I never developed any close relationships with my friends. On the outside,I was sweet, always smiling. but on the inside, I trusted no one and was very unhappy. I hated myself, for what I had become. I was afraid to let anyone get "too close" to me. I thought that if they did they would see me for what I thought I really was "pure evil".
I became more involved in the occult, dappling in tarot cards,crystals,and even witchcraft. Tarot cards had become my "god" and obsession. My whole world evolved around the cards.
As far as I was concerned the real God of life didn't exist. Even speaking Jesus's name was impossible. I would become angry,resentful and bitter.
I fell into a deep depression my junior year of college. That's when the voices and nightmares started. The nightmares were so bad tht I would wake up screaming, lashing out, and cursing at the voices. One dream in particular was about two men who had sexually assaulted,and beaten me, leaving me for dead. In the dream, after they had finished they laughed and said,"Whores like you belong in hell". I was definitely headed for hell. I looked forward to it because life meant nothing to me.
I started looking for a way out. I don't know why, but I knew I had to get off the hell bound train that I was on. For once, I wanted peace and freedom. I did not want to hurt others or myself anymore.
Stacey, my best friend, started talking to me about God's love and His promises. She constantly reminded me that God loved me. Every time that we talked on the phone she would tell me. I never would respond to her, but the words where stirring in my heart. I wanted desperately to be free from the depression and voices,but the more I tried the worse it became.
Finally, I decided that the only way out was suicide. I thought that by taking my life, I would kill the depression and end the voices in my head. I remember as I sat in my car, carving on my wrists, screaming at these voices. I was willing to give them my life if they would go away. But something kept me from completing the job. As I sat there, another voice, unfamiliar to me, spoke. The voice said very clearly, "Marsha, if you will put down that razor, I will show you the peace you've been looking for." I put down that razor, knowing that I was going to live.
I started searching for God shortly after that. Once again the Lord used Stacey to reach me. She sent me a book called "Victory Over the Darkness" I started reading this book. So many things related to me. Emptiness or disconnected feeling in my spirit, battling with depression,suicidal thoughts, a dark presence that hovered over me.
Even though I was looking for the Lord, I continued to be involved in Wicca. I did not know it at the time, but the Lord was going to deliver me from Wicca. I shared an apartment with one of my college friends who also was involved in Wicca.One night we had some friends over for a movie party, I was trying to sleep, but couldn't because I felt as if I was being watched by someone or something. I got up and went out in the other room to tell my friends. They thought I was crazy! since they did not believe in a devil or evil. So I went back to my room. Something prompted me to turn on the bedroom light. When I did, that's when I say the horrifying face that was burned into the wood on the back of my door. The face was evil! It had the face of a man, but had horns! That is when I got on my knees in prayer and surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. I asked the Lord to deliver me from witchcraft, and to save me from my sins. I asked the Lord into my heart, to be my Lord and Savior and to reign over my life.
After that night, I finally had the peace and freedom that I was looking for. Jesus has given me the peace that he had promised me. Everyday, I thank the Lord for saving me and for accepting me into His family.
Since I gave my life to Christ, I no longer struggle with depression. The voices in my head are gone and the thoughts of suicide have left. The nightmares have ended too!
Jesus has healed my heart of sexual abuse and has replaced it with His unfailing love. Life is a precious gift from God. To know that he died on the cross for my sins, so that I could be set free from its chains, is a debt that I could never repay.
The christian walk is not always easy, but I would never turn back to my old ways. I love the Lord with all my heart, and want to serve Him the rest of my days. Everyday is a new experience in the Lord. He is constantly renewing my mind, and heart, cleansing it of the adversary's lies and filling it with the truth of His Word.