Letters to No One

By Violet Beck

One

 

Oh, god, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry it had to end like this.

Here I am, collapsed on my bed with my laptop pulled up tight against me. I’m not wearing much—just one of Tai’s old coats and my panties. Before, I wouldn’t have been caught dead looking like I do right now. I was never quite as fashion obsessed as, say, Mimi, but I still wouldn’t look like this.

That was before you. You turned my life upside down, and we both know it.

I remember the very first day I felt something for you. It seems I was such a little girl back then, though it was really only six months ago. It happened on a day not unlike any other—one of those nasty ones that is too cold to be fall but to warm to be winter. Everything was exceptionally ordinary that day—oh, for the innocent simplicities of the past!

Tai had brought you home after school, as he always did. Again, nothing unusual. You two had been best friends for ages, and were always messing around and breaking things at our house while you were supposed to be doing homework. I was laying luxuriously in front of the TV, watching Tenchi try to fight off a way-too-horny Ryoko on "Tenchi in Tokyo" as you two played catch with a jug of orange juice in the kitchen. As was customary, my homework had already been done for a good two hours. I used to be such a good girl.

Before you.

It was then that the orange juice slipped from Tai’s hands to smash open on the floor. I heard you both yelp in surprise, but it turned out you were a little slower getting out of the way. Though Tai’s stylish clothing had survived the incident unscathed, your pants and shirt were completely drenched in the orange liquid.

"Oh, god," Tai moaned. "I gotta run down to the store before Dad gets home to buy another one!"

"Well I’m not going anywhere," you snapped. "Look at me!" As he often did in times of mild crisis, Tai turned to me for help.

"Um, Kari, I’m gonna be gone for half an hour. Will you help Yamato find some of my clothes and clean up this mess?" I shrugged, standing up.

"Nothing better to do. But you owe me one, big bro."

"Like you’ll ever need my help, Ms. Perfect."

"Oh, get out of my house, baka-brain! Yes, go, or I won’t help!" Holding up his hands in a mock-defensive posture, Tai ducked guiltily out the door. With an enormous and slightly exasperated sigh, I turned to you.

"Come on." I motioned for you to follow me, and you did.

Tai’s room was unlit at the moment, but I didn’t bother to search for the light switch. I just kicked the curtains to the side, throwing some evening sunlight into the room, and threw open Tai’s shirt drawer and closet. You were standing uncomfortably in the middle of the room, obviously trying to wipe some of the sticky substance off of your hands. I stared blankly at you for a second, and then sighed again.

"Let me go get you something for the orange juice," I told you, and walked into Tai’s bathroom. Trying my best to ignore a certain something that appeared to be breathing on the floor, I grabbed a renegade bowl that had been in there for god only knows how long, filled it with warm water and carried it back into Tai’s bedroom with a washcloth.

I almost dropped my sloshing load when I saw you. You were wearing nothing but your shirt, and sitting on Tai’s bed. You seemed amused by the look of shock on my face.

"Oh, get over it, Kari. You have no idea how annoying it is to have a mass of sticky cloth wadded up against their skin." You laughed suddenly, and got that perverted look all men get when they have an…I’ll say interesting thought. "Or maybe you do know…I know how women get down there when they spend to much time around dead-sexy me—" I snorted at you.

"Don’t be a hentai, Yama! That’s disgusting." You laughed at me again as I set the bowl beside you so you could wash.

"You’re too damn virginal, Kari," you told me in an off-hand sort of way as you started to run the wet washcloth down your bare legs. "It pisses me off sometimes."

"I’d rather be virginal than be a slut like you."

"Gimme a break! Men can’t be sluts!" you exclaimed.

"Yes they can. You’re living proof!" You cracked up in spite of the fact that I was making fun of you, and stood to pull on a pair of Tai’s boxers on. Assuming, I suppose, that you were now covered enough, you pulled off your typical green shirt as well and started to rinse your arms and chest. I gasped, and you placed your hands on your hips with a very put-out expression on your face. This look, however, did not carry over to your aquamarine gaze—your eyes were full of playful fire.

"Do something like that one more time, and I’ll be forced to punish you," you menaced jokingly.

"As if you would!" You leapt for me, and I screamed shrilly. "Ahhh, no! That doesn’t count! Ouch—what—are—you—doing!?" You had me straddled on Tai’s bed with my back pressed firmly against the rumpled sheets. I squirmed, but to no avail—you were far stronger than I.

"You asked for it," you muttered, only inches from my face. My breath caught in my throat, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. With a thrill of horror, I realized I was almost enjoying the feeling of domination you’d just cruelly forced on me. Fighting far more myself than you, and shoved at your firmly-anchored waist.

"Get off me! This is so unfair!" I cried. You chuckled, and silenced me roughly with a firm kiss. Your tongue forced its way coldly into my mouth. I knew very well that you had no idea the alien passion I was feeling for you at that moment; in your eyes, you were only administering a joking "punishment" to some little prude.

I was drowning in you. Terrified by the new feelings of erratic beating in my breast and burning warmth between my legs, I forced your mouth out of mine.

"Get off!" I cried again, denying myself completely. I knew very well that I never wanted you to let go of me.

But nothing was fated to be just yet, for at that moment Tai burst through the door with anger blazing loudly on his countenance.

"What the hell is going on?" he snarled more dangerously than I could have imagined was possible. Taking my cue, I got quickly out from under you and ran out the door.

I listened to you and Tai yell for over twenty minutes as I blankly stared at the dark TV screen. Finally, you charged out of the hallway and straight through the open front door—I’m not sure you even saw me. I just watched you go in silence, and then fell back onto the couch with closed eyes.

Tai didn’t come out of his room for the rest of the night, and Dad was late getting home from work. For some strange reason, I was glad for both of these things—I needed time to think about what had transpired.

I wanted time to sit alone, thinking about you.

 

Two

I didn’t see you around the house for many weeks after that, but I still couldn’t shake the image of your apathetic face hanging inches above mine. I started dreaming about you—childish, feminine dreams that can’t even compare to the ones I have now.

The first snows had already fallen by the time Tai finally brought you home again. I supposed you have both resolved whatever difference had kept you parted during school hours, for everything seemed perfectly normal twixt you by the time I saw any of it. The only noticeable difference was that you suddenly appeared to be rather shy of me, but I took care of that one spare moment while Tai was in the restroom.

"Are you frightened of me?" I asked you in a bored fashion. You seemed surprised that I had spoken.

"Why—no. Of course not."

"Then how is it that you never want to talk to me anymore?" You sighed heavily at my words, and came to stand by me at the couch.

"I was just afraid you hadn’t…forgiven me yet, for what I did." Your voice was heavy with embarrassment, and you refused to meet my eyes. I simply shrugged.

"It was a stupid joke, and Tai walked in on it all wrong. There is nothing for me to forgive!"

"Arigato, Kari-san. You have laid my mind at rest. Is that all?" There was a silence, and the words just popped out of my mouth.

"It was fun, though," I commented coquettishly, and then looked quickly away. You never got to reply, because Tai made his untimely entrance.

"What was fun?" he asked, his eyes narrowing so slightly it was almost undetectable to the unpracticed eye.

"The carnival Yamato took me too last year," I lied smoothly. "He was just inviting me to the next one." Taichi smiled; any shred of suspicion he had carried before was utterly erased.

"Nice of you, Yamato," he said, and motioned for you to follow him out the door.

Your eyes remained on my face as you went, and I’ll never forget the look on your face. Confusion, innocence, interest. I flashed you a shy grin, and returned to my homework.

 

Through the next few days, we commenced in a skittish sort of dance. You would flirt almost unnoticeably, and I would giggle; I would throw you the slyest come-on, and you would smile indulgently. The sight of your face made me swoon, and I knew you were never yourself once I had entered the room.

I love him to death, you must understand, but I don’t pretend Taichi isn’t an idiot. Anyhow, in our current position, this was a blessing. Had he been any more perceptive than the average family pet—which he wasn’t—our strange mutation of a relationship would have been cut off for sure.

A dance it was, and nothing more—until that fateful night. Father was late from work, as usual, and I was cooking dinner. Though this may seem rather chauvinistic, I would do anything to avoid Taichi’s, well, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and call it "cooking."

As we sat eating my sort of makeshift stir-fry, Tai looked up from his food with the glint of sudden, striking thought in his eye.

"Isn’t that carnival you wanted to take Kari to tomorrow?" he inquired of you instantaneously. You jumped a tiny bit in your seat, but recovered quickly and gave him your dazzling smile to alleviate any distrust on his part.

"The one at the high school? Yes, now that you mention it, it is."

Tai’s face fell. "Oh," he said pathetically. "Then I won’t be able to go with you! I start my job as a bus boy at the Hatsu Inn at three, and the carnival begins at five!"

I felt my insides knot together in a tight ball.

"Pity," you said softly. Our eyes met for an instant, and the glance we shared could have charged lightening.

I read the most interesting fact in a book once. Did you know that ninety-five percent of dance partners become lovers?

Three

Oh, the carnival. A celebration of lights, and a festival of our secret darkness. You picked me up at quarter till five, and we took the omnibus there together. You held my hand gently as we walked the final block through snow, and for all the world we looked like brother and sister. All the world but us, that is.

The carnival was a large affair, despite the small-town atmosphere. We threaded through the pull-out rides and junk food machines, laughing and talking of trivial things like your boring school teachers and my obsession with Tenchi in Tokyo.

"Ryoko’s a fox," you commented nastily. "I don’t see why she’s after good-boy Tenchi, though!"

I just giggled uproariously, and led you onto the rickety roller coaster.

"You would have her for yourself, I take it?"

"Ooooh yeah."

******

The weather grew progressively worse as the night wore on, and it wasn’t yet nine when we both decided it was time to head home.

"Tai and Mom and Dad will be worried if I don’t," I said sadly, but you weren’t paying me much attention.

"Whose idea was it to have a carnival in the middle of winter?" you raged as we watched them shut the enormous, glowing ferris wheel down, steaming drinks in our hands. You drank your coffee as I daintily sipped my hot cocoa, and we didn’t hold hands as we walked back to the tiny bus shelter in silence. It was as if we had both been disappointed; perhaps we had expected something more of night that simply hadn’t happened. In any case, we were icy with one another until the bus pulled up.

You helped me on with a gentleman’s grace—I must say, it was utterly unbecoming of you. As we took our seats in the back, I started to think. I wondered what the hell I was doing, in the middle of Odaiba at night with my brother’s best friend. You would have to be crazy to be out here. You would have to be crazy, or maybe….

"I love you, Yamato," I said suddenly, looking up at you with shining eyes. "It’s insanity, but…." I trailed off, and fell against you. With instinctive speed you pulled me to you, and ran your fingers carefully through my hair. Our faces were centimeters away, and then—

You weren’t my first kiss, but you were the one that made my heart beat like a bass drum as you ran your hands down my back and worshipped my lips with your own. You sat up, unexpectedly, and issued a cute little cry as you stared out the bus window.

"That was your stop!" you exclaimed. A sudden resolution strengthened inside me, and I pulled your face down to mine one again. Your kiss made me feel like a goddess, and if that was anything to go by I just had to have more.

"I know," I whispered into your mouth, sounding more horrible and sultry than even I could have imagined was possible. With that, you took me into your mouth again, and the deal was signed in blood.

It was a long ride back to your house, and you didn’t let go of me the entire time. Oh, what are fellow bus riders must have thought—myself fourteen, and looking younger; you at sixteen and looking older. Neither of us gave a damn right then, though.

We didn’t care either as we stumbled off the bus, unable to forsake physical contact with one another for even a second. Finally, as we stood snogging in the snow by the bus stop, you tore away from my insistent lips as you grasped my hand and forced me to settle for just that as we ran to your house.

We entered silently: it was almost ten at night now, and both your parents and Takeru were fast asleep in their respective rooms. In the darkened kitchen, you continued to refuse me. When I pressed against you, you simply lifted me in your strong arms, careful to keep my face far enough from yours to prevent distraction. You carried me down the hall without the tiniest sound, and only allowed me to talk again once the door to your room had closed behind us.

"Nice place," I commented coyly, glancing around the semi-darkness (penetrated by only the golden glow of your closet light) as we removed our coats. You hung them meticulously in your closet, watching me over your shoulder. When you turned, though, it wasn’t to me. No, you little tease—you walked over to the phone. I looked at you, questioning, but you offered no answer. You just dialed Tai’s number.

"This had better be you, Yamato." I heard his voice snap over the telephone line.

"It is," you soothed.

"Where the hell are you two? I’ve been worried sick."

"It’s okay! We’re at my house! The snow just got really bad, and I didn’t want Kari to have to walk four blocks in it by herself, so…" I wrapped my arms around you, and stood on my toes to lick your ear seductively. You whirled around dangerously, and shoved me forcefully to your bed. "She’ll have my bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch," you told my brother, and not a note of physical strain carried over into your voice.

"Oh…all right then," Taichi answered. He was completely placated by your fabrication. "Tell her ‘hi’ for me then. I’ll see you both in the morning."

"Ja ne." You bid him goodbye, and hung up. Slowly, so slowly, you turned to look me over.

I laid on my back on your messily arranged comforter, still winded from the way you had thrown me there and from the feel of your mouth while on the bus. Carefully, you laid down on top of me. Your agile fingers stroked the side of my face, and helped me slide off my shoes. Yours were already off; you had left them at the door.

"You sure you want us to be like this?" The words resonated in the air and then died out, leaving my hastened heartbeat to seem alone and naked in my ears.

"Oh, yes," I answered breathlessly. You wasted no time in conquering me; your hands slid up my shirt and pulled it roughly over my head. My pants also fell prey to your rampage; you had yanked both them and my panties off in an instant. I lay before you then with nothing, and you still took the rest away. Your fingers tantalized the center of my back, playing expertly with the clasp of my bra. You undid it, and took the silky piece of white cloth away from my breasts with measured insolence. I watched as you hung it mock-scrupulously on the bedpost.

"Stand up and give me a look at what’s mine," you whispered in my ear, and rolled off of me. Nervously, I did as you said. At first, the experience was frightening one; allowing such voyeurism almost seemed a crime. In a moment, though, I started to get into it. After strutting around a few times, I looked you in the eye.

"You wouldn’t happen to have some nice, lady-like shoes around?" I mused.

"Actually, I do," you said, and I raised my eyebrow. You laughed. "Don’t be stupid. Sora left them here, and they’re in the closet." I screwed up my nose.

"Ugh…Sora? That little slut had a reason to be in this room after hours?"

"You’re right—that girl’s been around. You’re so much more fun." I blushed from the flattery, and then bent gratuitously over as I searched the closet floor for the aforementioned footwear. I found what I was looking for almost instantly: a pair of tiny, red spike heels. They were a perfect fit when I slipped them on and stalked back over to where you lay. I saw that you had removed your shirt.

"Come here, my little harlot," you hissed, and I obeyed. You motioned that I sit on the edge of the bed, and kneeling, you spread my legs. I shuddered as a cold breath of air reached where it had never before been, and felt your fingers on me.

"Your first time?" you inquired. I nodded mutely, and you smiled. Taking your index finger, you pressed it gently inside me. I gasped from the momentary pain and shudder of pleasure that followed. I felt it intimately as you bent your finger once, causing my legs to tense, and drew it smoothly out. I whimpered, and you stared up at me.

"More?" I nodded, my tongue tied in a knot around itself. I closed my eyes and arched my back as your middle finger entered me. This time, though, you only withdrew half way after crooking it a tad. I opened my eyes and looked at you expectantly.

"This will be new," you explained in a sensuous whisper, "but it will be good. Just bare with it if it hurts in the beginning." I nodded again, and found my voice this time.

"Anything." The word slipped from my lips like the flutter of a wet owl feather at midnight. You thrust your finger full inside of me, and I moaned loudly from the sudden pain it caused this time. You shushed me as you withdrew halfway again, and entered me once more.

It didn’t quite hurt this time. In fact, it felt sort of…good. I exhaled heavily before the third stroke, and then grasped your hair in my little fingers at the height of it. This time, the pleasure you could create had been made clear.

Four

Addiction. Usually a word reserved for heroin and cocaine, it had always appeared to me as a sort of dark fable told to keep little children and those of similar mindsets on the sunny side of life. For the very first time, I understood it with my deepest soul and all else that creates a human being.

You were my heroin. You are my cocaine. You will always be my addiction. As your careful, passionate strokes increased, my head started to swim. I was high as a kite on a perfect drug bearing your name.

When you stopped this time, I almost screamed with frustration.

"Do it more," I gasped, staring at you. I…needed…my…fix! You only smiled at me though, and held a finger to your lips. I obeyed.

"Something else," you said, still grinning secretively. I licked my lips with anticipation, and you follow suit. I gasped in shock as you bent in to kiss my bare stomach. Your teeth sought out my skin and nibbled it temptingly.

My pulse was pounding in my ears as I watched you brush your lips the tiniest bit lower, and kiss me again. The nip of your teeth sent electric shocks down my spine, and the soft feel of your skin made me forget to breathe. Farther and farther down you went, evincing little moans from my slackened mouth.

You were only inches from my tenderness, and involuntary words tumbled from my lips.

"Oh, god!" I exclaimed, and you smiled up at me.

"Lay back," you teased, running your hand up my side to press me down to the bed. "Relax…."

Your mouth found home, and a shudder rent my form. My back curved upward and I had to bite my tongue to keep from crying out. Pleasure raced through me like a thousand crazy ants; it lit my veins up like an army of fireflies. I felt a bead of sweat roll down my neck as your tongue worked inside me, and I moaned into the darkness.

The passion was thick and heady like a humid summer evening. The little noises coming from my lips increased in volume and frequency while blasts of light ignited in my brain. As my gratification reached a fever pitch, a lone thought pervaded my fogged mind:

What am I doing to myself?

But it left me quickly as the throws of orgasm claimed my dizzied body. I dimly felt you leave my nether regions as a world of white light engulfed me, spinning me like some celestial top through the firestorm recesses of passion. When I came back to you, you were kissing my face and muttering nothings in my ears.

"Was it good?" you inquired quietly. I only managed a small "oh," in reply. My head was still whirling. You chuckled, more to yourself than me, and knelt back down. You carefully removed my shoes and placed them back in the closet. I watched you from where I lay, unwilling to move.

I remained limp as you picked me up and placed me gently under the covers. My heart nearly stopped when I saw you remove your jeans—could I possibly take any more?—but you saw my expression and laughed again.

"No, no," you said. "I just can’t sleep in jeans, that’s all." A wave of guilt suddenly filled me.

"I never did anything for you," I said quietly. You shook your head as you lay down beside me and wrapped me in your arms.

"You didn’t need to. I just wanted to get the messy part over with before we really have some fun." I sighed and lay my head in the cradle of your neck.

"We’ll do this again?"

Silence filled the air for a moment, and then you spoke in a whispered tone.

"Oh Kari, how could we not?"

Neither of us made another sound. We just drifted off to sleep together—but our oblivion hardly came in peace. Your words had only convinced me of my darkest fears. This silly little game we’d played with each other had become something far, far more—something we could no longer control. Before, we could almost pretend that there was nothing between us, but there was certainly no hiding it anymore. What was done was eternally done, forevermore.

Our case was hopeless; we were addicted and another fix was inevitable.

Five

"Morning, Taichi!" I said brightly, hugging my brother.

"Oh, good to see you, Hikari," he said quickly into my shoulder. "I know you were only at Yamato's, but it was strange sleeping without you in the house."

"I'm sorry," I crooned sweetly, and pulled away. I could sense you standing behind me, smiling an unreadable smile.

"Thanks, Yama," Tai said, standing up. "Won't you come in? I'm making breakfast." I made a face as we walked inside.

"Gross, you're cooking? Let me see if I can resurrect this mess." Whipping an apron around my waist, I entered the kitchen and started to re-stir Tai's extremely lumpy idea of pancake batter. Your eyes were boring into the back of my neck, taking in my every move. My heart fluttered in my chest, and I tried to focus on the batter. Taichi came to stand beside me, and you beside him.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Hikari. I'm a perfectly good cook!" I rolled my eyes, and they fell upon something surprising. Tai had rested his hand on yours, which you quickly shook away. When I raised my eyebrow in inquiry, you simply shrugged your shoulders.

You liar.

******

I poured the maple syrup lavishly over my masterpiece pancakes and handed the plate to you.

"Arigato, Hikari," you said politely. I nodded my indulgence as I distributed food to Taichi as well.

"Mmm," Tai said happily as he took his first bite. "Congrats, lil' sister. Your best ever."

"You're so kind," I said, and leapt a little: your fingers had come to rest on my leg. I stared scandalously up at you, but you looked away as you spoke to my brother.

"Hikari was such a doll last night, Taichi. She is so polite and ladylike! I must say it was a welcome change from my usual company at that time of night." The pair of you shared a dirty laugh over some private joke. I giggled at the obvious implication.

If only I'd understood the real one.

"If you really like her, you should spend some more time together," Taichi said innocently. We shared a look of shock.

"What do you mean?" you said slowly, as though you were afraid of walking into a trap. You should have known better; Tai was too simple for such trickery.

"I just want you to get to know my family a little better," Taichi said. An indecipherable glance flew between you; it passed so quickly I wasn't quite sure it had happened at all.

"Oh!" You said suddenly. "You do. Well, I will most definitely do that then. That is, if Hikari doesn't object."

"No, of course not," I said demurely. "You are so good to me, Yamato-san, how could I refuse?"

Your lips curved into a thin, satisfied smile. "Indeed," you murmured with a sort of sordid finality. I watched your mouth move with riveted attention, imagining it was doing so against my own.

******

"Going so soon?" I asked. Taichi had already said his good-byes and retreated to his room. You smiled a quasi-angelic smile at me, and bent to kiss my lips.

"Yes, I am afraid. You know, I had a good time last night, Kari. What are you doing tomorrow?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"Nothing…except school." You nodded.

"I will pick you up at three o'clock tomorrow in front of the middle school, and we'll go out and grab a pop. Agreed?" You didn't wait for my answer; you just silenced any possible protests with a last luscious kiss and stood to go.

"Goodbye, koibito," I said softly. I don't think you heard me; you had already started down the path. I closed the door and leaned my back a against it, finally alone with my own thoughts.

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. Not a bit of it.

Authoress' Notes: Eheheheh--more lemon for you, Elione. I must say, I am undyingly proud of this story. Suggestions, especially from those who have caught on to my plot twist, are SERIOUSLY welcome. My muse is running a bit dry.

'NO I'M NOT! You stinking, lying authoress--'

Shut up. You are too. But moving on, the only reason I am finishing this ficcie is because a darling reviewer named Claire summed up her courage and asked me to. Good for her, and everyone say arigato! Now on with the fic.

Six

I didn't pay any attention to school that day. I just couldn't focus. Every time I tried to fasten my mind to Algebra I, it just went running back to you.

By three o'clock the blood was pounding in my head like a drum and could barely move without feeling little beads of sweat roll down my neck, even in the freezing cold of the day. I bundled myself up in my coat and scarf, almost hoping you would be late so I would have at least a second to group my thoughts. I won't deny it: you scared me. And I had never before had such and affinity for being scared.

Your car pulled up in front of the school, looking every deceptive bit like a perfect oasis from the chill, snow-laden air. Rubbing my arms convulsively, I opened the door and sat down beside you.

The inside of your second-hand but meticulously clean station wagon was stifling.

"Konnichiwa, Yamato-sama," I said submissively. You smiled and leaned in so I could kiss your cheek.

"It is good to see you," you murmured. I twisted uncomfortably in my heavy coat as you pulled away from the school; you had the heat cranked up extremely high.

"You should take of your jacket," you said logically.

"You should turn down the heat."

A sigh. "Hikari, haven't you ever heard the phrase 'some like it hot?'"

I giggled at your little joke and shrugged myself out of my coat in consent. I made away with my scarf as well and placed both articles of clothing at my feet. You stole a glance in my direction.

"I've always liked school uniforms," you commented. I rolled my eyes.

"That was the worst come-on I think I've ever heard."

"They only get worse, koi, they only get worse."

There was a heavy pause as I thought numbly about some random thing or another. Without warning, a pertinent question popped into my head.

"Where are we going?" I asked. You smirked.

"Some deserted lane so I can strip you down and eat you alive, of course," you said nastily. I wrinkled my nose.

"Gross, Yama. Now seriously."

"The only part I wasn't kidding about was the 'eat you alive' part," you whispered, nastier still. My heart leapt.

"You want to--"

"You got it. Any reservations, because I can always take you home."

"No," I said without even thinking about it. "I'd…love to stay."

******

I toyed with my stockings as you pulled over the car and turned off the engine on a deserted stretch of highway about fifteen miles out of Odaiba. You smiled wolfishly at me, and turned briefly around to collapse the back seats of the car. I saw you had prepared: there was a blanket stretched over the floor of the large, station wagon trunk.

Enfolding my small hand in yours, you helped me back and then followed yourself. You laid comfortably down, looking at me with your piercing ocean eyes. Tentatively, knowing it was what you expected, I laid down on top of you.

"Undress me," you hissed commandingly, and I shuddered with excitement. Your breath on my face sent crazy shocks up and down my spine. Wiping my hair out of my eyes--it was now sweaty from heat--I looked down at the buttons on your high school uniform.

The collar was already undone, so I quickly moved my fingers down your front, unclasping the rest. When I was finished I lifted the smooth white cloth away from your skin. Unbidden, my fingers traced down your chest and reached behind to caress you back.

You moaned at my touch, and I giggled girlishly until the arrival of your hands on my waist silence the noise. Gently but swiftly, you placed me on my back and crouched over me on all fours. With speedy expertise you roughly deprived me of all my clothes. Your were particularly violent with my tights; you ripped them clean off my legs.

"Now we're going to have some fun," you growled, and I instantly knew I wanted you inside me. As quickly as I could I unbuttoned your pants and pulled them off. I gasped when I realized you were rock hard for me and completely devoid of boxers or underwear.

"I'm scared," I moaned suddenly, not really feeling my words. You laughed.

"Too late now, baby girl," your voice growled huskily in my ear, and I breath quickly in, realizing you weren't going to stop just because I felt like it. Trying to steady myself, I grabbed hold of your poised hips and looked up into your crystalline eyes. Your eyes were glazed with passion, and I knew in an instant that you couldn't see my face.

You kissed me deeply and thrust down, allowing your full length to penetrate me at once. I howled into your mouth and spread my legs further as you withdrew and thrust again.

Together we built a sort of passionate rhythm, our bodies slamming together into the heights of all hell as the endless snowflakes swirling by the windows. I couldn't see them for the steam on the glass but I could most definitely feel their chill. Even in the heat, in the desire, in the heart of the maelstrom of sex and insanity, I could sense the cold…the feeling of something dark and horrible approaching, waiting for us on the other side of the window.

I swallowed my fears and came, but there were no fireworks this time. You fell asleep in my embrace, but I couldn't bring myself to shut my eyes.

For the first time, there was doubt. Not in you--I had always had a doubt in you--but now there was doubt in myself.

Seven

"You two are late," Taichi said decisively as we walked through the door.

"We went out to eat something after we hung out," you lied smoothly, sweeping me past him.

"You went and got something to eat after you went and got a pop?" He asked, eyes narrowed. You, however, didn't falter in the slightest.

"We were hungry. After all, it was only soda."

Taichi grabbed your arm as tried to walk around him into the kitchen.

"We were going to get something to eat," he said, sounding a little hurt. I thought I saw your skin grow slightly pale.

"Oh, Taichi," you said, genuinely sorry. "I'm so sorry! It completely slipped my mind!"

"You ditch me for my sister now?" Tai said, actually sounding quite angry now. "You are a rodent sometimes, Yamato. A kisama." With those insulting words, my brother turned on his heel and stomped off into the back of the house. Looking distressed, you hurried after him.

"I'm sorry--" you exclaimed.

I couldn't hear the rest of what you said because you had already disappeared into the other part of the house, but this was no problem of mine. It was just a bicker between my dumb older brother and his best friend, and besides that I had just been through and extremely stressful night.

With an enormous sigh of relief at finally being out of the proverbial frying pan, I seated myself on the sofa and flipped on one of my old Tenchi Muyo tapes.

"I can't believe you actually love that moron--she's practically a little girl!" Ryoko raged at Tenchi.

Poor Ayeka, I thought rather pointlessly of the "little girl" they spoke of. She wasn't a little girl at all--actually, she was a proud and strong Jurian Princess on the run from an evil usurper to her throne--but obviously things were different from Ryoko's point of view.

Slowly, I let myself relax and sink into the endless void of the television. The night was over….

Or so I thought.

Eight

Perhaps before I would have ended the story right there, while I was sitting at peace and watching my Tenchi tapes. Perhaps I would have left the following abomination to be forgotten by the ages, and perhaps I would have never spoken of it again.

Unfortunately, that was then and this is now. You changed me, and for better or for worse, I don't like hiding any more. I'm not a little girl who can be drawn into stupid lies with just a bit of sweet talk and some candy.

Your stupid lies, Yamato. They were yours, and now I'm free.

It was a long time I sat their, immersed in my TV show, not paying any attention to the steady background noise of you arguing with Taichi in his bedroom. I wondered, in the most offhand sort of way, why on earth my brother was so pissed off just because you had forgotten that the two of you had promised to meet.

Slowly, the argument started to die, and it finally faded away into oblivion. I stared at Ryoko and Ayeka, facing off in a swimsuit contest. They glared hatefully at each other, strutting down that stupid runway with their hands on their hips and sneers in their hearts.

Okay, I thought, this is a boring episode. I don't want to watch it. So I flicked off the TV and walked into the kitchen to eat a cupcake or something.

Halfway across the room, the silence suddenly took on an eerie hue. With no more anime swimsuit contest, it had become glaringly obvious to me that not a single noise was coming from Taichi's room.

I took a large bite out of my cupcake, trying to mask the screaming quiet with my own chewing, but it was all to no use. I could practically feel the noiselessness seeping through my pores. Quickly shoving the rest of my cupcake down my throat in the most un-ladylike of ways, I swigged a hurried glass of tap water to wash down the sticky frosting.

Walking as a mouse does when feral cats are afoot, I crept into the thin hallway that branches off into my family's various bedrooms. Silence, stillness, unusual in such a house that contains two such loud entities as myself and my brother.

My naked feet slipped carefully down the cool wooden floor, making a few sparse squeaking noises. For some reason, I felt my heartbeat begin to gain momentum--where was this panic coming from!? What was I so afraid of!?

I stopped in the middle of the short corridor, halfway to Taichi's door, trying to persuade myself to turn around and go back. The paranoia would not be quelled.

Come on, girl, I thought, do you really trust Yamato so little!? What do you think he's gone and done, killed Taichi? This is crazy.

Crazy, yes, but I new I was getting a little crazy already. May as well go with it--it certainly didn't look like my body was about to obey any other impulse.

I walked forward, more resolute now, and grasped the knob to Taichi's door and twisted it.

"Tai?" I hazarded, sounding extraordinarily normal as the door opened in front of me.

There was a great scrambling in the room, but it was already too late--I had seen what there was to see. My mouth fell open like a cave, and my arms went slack. A chill ran up and down my spine, and nausea almost claimed me twice.

Taichi smiled sheepishly, innocent as always of his crime, and gently stood from where he had previously been enveloped in your arms. Your arms! Arms I had so foolishly, girlishly been convinced might actually belong to me!

"We meant to tell you sooner," Taichi began, but I shut him out. My eyes and hatred were solely for you.

"With my own brother," I hissed quietly. My heart was pounding again, and I suddenly felt tears streaming down my cheeks. "With my brother!"

"It's not what it looks like!" you shouted, floundering as the world fell down. Taichi shouted something as well, having obviously started to catch on, but neither of us could hear him.

"I thought I could trust you…" I gasped. I could feel my very heart shattering within my breast. "And now this--this is what I get!? What have I done to deserve this!?"

Suddenly, your perfect blue eyes went dead. You could not see or feel; only hurt. All was truly over without the slightest hope for reconciliation.

"You just said it yourself," you spat violently in my face. "You thought you could trust me." And then you shoved me, hard, into Taichi's dresser. I fell to the floor as you rushed out the room, and disappeared from my world.

Tai raced after you, but again he was nothing but a spirit. Through my blurry, sobbing eyes, I seemed to half-see us, lying on Taichi's bed when I felt the first spark for you…standing outside in the snowy carnival…myself waiting anxiously for you after school.

And now you struck me and left me on the floor. Our dance had ended in disaster.

 

There, that is the end of the story. And the end of this letter as well. I have written you ten thousand letters before this Yamato, and thrown them all away. But none of them told the truth; they were full of apologies and cobbled-together proof for your lies. Today I can finally say in truth that I know better: you never loved me. You always loved Taichi, and toyed with me only because of our resemblance. Now you've hurt us both.

Perhaps I'll send the letter this time, just for my peace of mind. Just so I can imagine the look on your face as you read my neat penmanship, and comprehend these words.

Burn in hell, koi. I never loved you either.

 

 

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